i want to start cursing and swearing liao la!!! really cant stand it le. today so 倒霉 la! just now i was halfway typing and then suddenly my internet explorer whole thing closed down. argh. ok i shall say briefly cos dont feel like typing all in detail again. firstly, i changed shoe today cos got NAPFA, but turns out this shoe is as bad as my old one. all got holes de. luckily my mum say june hols go buy new pair. and somehow my right shoes always seem to be the one with the worst problems. next, yesterday i slept at 1.30am doing my 报章读后感 only to be told today morning by teacher that she will change dateline to wed cos many people havent do yet. i also realised i have a lot of homework and projects incomplete and that made me feel very guilty... lastly, NAPFA today wasnt a disaster, but can be considered as one. shuttle run B, sit up B, standing broad jump D or E, sit and reach D, and pull-up you dont want to know, and cos of that, i had to redo many many times and still not accepted so thursday i shall have to go retest every single thing again. i cant believe it cos i've never failed NAPFA in my entire life before. it made me feel so 失败 man.... oh well, nevermind, must think positive! at least i'll be more prepared and it makes me train harder and focus more. i just hope i'll be able to pass. please... [btw, today do NAPFA until everywhere aching can? wah piang.]

i realised that i suddenly seem to have a lot of things to do, and i dont think i'll have enough time to finish them all. it might not be a lot, but it sure seems a lot. work to be done: home econs portfolio, macbeth play, elit program, maths hw, study for physics test, maths quiz. besides that, its almost confirm that im going jogging with cryst and yiinghuey tml and at the same time train pull-up. also might have some macbeth group meetings in schedule cos we have to present on friday, which is very soon. well, im glad that at least our ipw project is done so we dont have to worry about that anymore. also, we received our chinese test papers today and i passed!!! whee so happy!!! 33/50 but considered terrible still because the paper was easier than usual this time and teacher was more lenient. oh well thats OK for me. im glad that at least i passed. [jiayou peishan! dont look so down all the time kay?] later i have online meeting with macbeth group members so i've got to go eat dinner now. also planning to sleep early today, because i feel very tired. goodnight.

sports day today. blue house was 2nd. i was quite sad but what made me really upset was when i saw the COMM crying... but even that, they still tried to be optimistic. i left school at 8pm and reached home around 9pm. even if i have a lot to say, im in no mood to, so i'll just post the pictures i took.

Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.

--Ralph Waldo Emerson--

listening to music now.. current song is 懂了. AHHH MY SHOES ARE SOAKED. ): cos my shoes got holes le, then all the water go in through the holes and my shoe and sock and feet wet. EWWW. nowadays rain so heavily... so depressing. oh yah! that reminds me... wanjane say my posts all so depressing. haha OK i shant talk about bad things today, okay? fine at least i shall TRY NOT TO. poor alicia... she sprained her ankle and i guess she cant take part in the cheerleading tml... haizz... CHEER UP alicia!! we had maths test today and well, to me.. 还好吧... not too bad. DONT WORRY PEISHAN, you'll do fine, dont be so sad over the test kay? JIAYOU!! hmm... oh yeah we also had maths olympiad training today. whee thanks peishan (: a lot. the person talk until i dont understand lor! hmphs. i look at the board can understand but listen to him then dont understand le. hahaha... =X oops. nevermind. after training then i went for cca - course today, which was boring. i sat there and stoned, as usual. when i walked in, someone called my name and it was.... shuling!! haha. (: shuling didnt go home with us today, and i dont know why. didnt see her after we were released... where did she disappear to? o.O haha anyway thats about all today, nothing much happened. i need to go for theory le! dont want to be late, so... yeah. no quote again, sorry. bye.

randomness. but i like it. (:

peishan and emily. we went to kialin's house to do macbeth project.

didnt mean to take janeal. was going to take kialin's house. her house is sooo nice!!

janeal, kialin and yiinghuey.

xingjun. our class 2nd cip, on the way to the home. xingjun and a few other 2G ppl went with us.

i like the scenery. (: trees swaying so nicely.

BOO! haunted house. hahaha... no lah.

going to school on the train today, i stared at a girl and i thought i heard her mumbling 'that stupid girl stare for what'. ehh u have no right to talk like that ok? you talk so loud, the whole train people all staring at you also, then i stare cannot arh? whats your problem? you are so lame and yet you try to act cute and funny in front of your friend. What the hell... i almost never seen such a person before, attitude seriously got problem lah. Your friend is so much nicer, i have no idea how both of you became friends ok? anyway, enough of that, we had sports day rehearsal and i guess it was ok. somehow i still cant seem to focus during lessons. the only thing i could sort of focus on was my UNSW science prac paper, which i was desperately doing before the real UNSW science. even during my real UNSW science, i was thinking of youtube and videos and songs. lols. XD was ok though, enough time to complete. yay! one of the questions came out twice in the prac paper so i know i sure correct le. whee... breezed through it quite calmly.

after school today, i didnt go for cca cos i went for cip. we went to a disabled home and it was quite ok. some 2G band ppl came over, which was quite fun. i guess it was better than the first home, although yes, i have to agree that the atmosphere there is more depressing... we wandered around and tried entertaining a few of them. later, some of our classmates went to help sweep the leaves and do the laundry... well, i guess thats not a bad sign, but still, we're supposed to be interacting with the patients for our cip points, not sweeping up all the leaves on the ground. lastly, to the people living in the home, CHEER UP and BE HAPPY!! jiayou! oh yeah, by the way, because i didnt go for cca, i would like to apologise to Wan Jane: sorry i couldnt go home with you and didnt inform you earlier either.

I took the bus back with Pei Shan, but she took the train to yishun, which i couldnt take, but its ok, cos anyway i really made her wait too long. 2 269s and 2 268s passed before a 76 came. SORRY PEISHAN!!!! oh my gosh im really sorry, i didnt know the bus would take so long to come... ): next time i wont make u wait le. SORRY! tomorrow i have HCL test but i just cant seem to concentrate on studying. again. feeling terrible because im not studying, but i know that anyway even if i fail chinese, it wont be a surprise to anyone. oh well, so im thinking nevermind then, rather not study. hehe. (Lastly, to the 'hate mail author': i have never in my life said that i am 'the smartest' so please get your facts right. i can swear that i have never said such an insulting thing so hopefully you wont accuse me wrongly. however, i still think you are childish to send such hate mail because it is a complete waste of everyone's time. it doesnt matter if people hate me because, truthfully, i wont feel hurt or upset. i just wanna ask you, why did u waste so much time making that hate mail? thats all.) OH YEAH, i started counting down: 22 more school days till the June holidays!!! XD whee... look forward people! just do your best and look forward to the wonderful June holidays, when we can finally have a short break and more rest than usual. JIAYOU EVERYONE!!! (: work hard and we'll all have our deserved breaks.



Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.
--Helen Keller--

OH MY GOD I DONT KNOW WHATS WRONG WITH ME. somehow i cant concentrate on any of my homework, even the easiest ones. my mind keeps wandering off and that makes me very scared. i keep thinking but i dont know what im thinking about. i have no idea whats gotten into me. its really frightening not to know yourself and what you're doing. my mind is definitely not at ease and i cant do homework like that. what now??? im thinking of so many other things that i cant focus on my homework. and i have a whole pile of homework... im really very worried. i think i might sleep quite late today, which will make my parents angry again. ): recently, my dad doesnt want me to watch youtube because he knows that i got addicted and therefore keep watching and he feels that this wont help my future, so he says instead of watching all the shows, go do something better. i really wish i could be that good girl again and listen to him, but its so hard to do so nowadays. haiz... anyway, my dad came home late today and he bought nice stuff for us! whee no matter what, i know i still love my dad (: cos unlike my mum, he uses his brain.

he bought ice cream, potato chips, and some nice thing from delifrance that he knows i like to eat. THANKS DAD. tasted great. compared to that terrible dinner, i felt like i was on cloud nine. dont worry, my mum didnt cook that terrible dinner, she bought it from the coffeeshop. but hey, imagine that during the whole june and december holidays, every single day without fail, you eat bread with jam for breakfast, beehoon with egg for lunch, and rice with terrible dishes for dinner. will u get sick of it? i will, and i already have. i feel that eating all that just makes me grow fat, especially when i have no appetite and still force it down. when my bro's at home, i ask him to finish it all cos i dont want it. when he isnt, i force as much as i can down my throat, and dump the rest. i really have no other choice. but anyway, i have to remember to exercise, NAPFA test coming up soon. i think i will try focusing on my homework now. hopefully i can finish it, or i'll just have to tell teacher i didnt do it. (: 我一定要加油!!



You get the best out of others when you give the best of yourself.
--Harry Firestone--

theres so much work to do and yet i havent started... when i went for a walk, i went to some exercise place in my neighbourhood, which isnt too far from my home. when i crossed the road, it had already started to drizzle... the weather really represented my mood at that time... i went to climb up something and sat on top, just staring into thin air. the wind was so strong that the branches of the tree hanging over me started dropping to the ground. i was thinking if that was the sign for me to go... but i hanged around a little longer, until i know that i wouldnt be upset anymore, and went back home hurriedly, afraid that my mum would see my clothes wet and started nagging again. when i sat there, i didnt think about anything, i was just plain calm. i dont know if it helped, but i guess it was better than being in the house. yes, my house is my home to me, because i know that here, i can rest when i need to, and i will be safe here. however, i dont like it. i dont like it because my family's always quarrelling in the house, and theres nothing i can do about it. theres always so many wars inside, almost no peace at all. maybe the only peace you get is when everyone is sleeping.

sometimes i wonder if maybe, just maybe, if only our family had remained rich, everything would be different? i remember that we used to be rich when we were younger, and my dad had so many things. i didnt treasure anything then, because i was still so young, but i often went with my dad to his working place, because i felt it was so much fun. then, slowly, we became poorer and poorer, and now we're reduced to this state. its not that we dont have anything to eat or drink. look, we even have a computer and a laptop, and many nifty little gadgets. somehow instead of paying finish the bills, our dad always seem to be wanting to get some latest gadget for us. sometimes i feel thats good, but yet sometimes, i find it irritating and troublesome. because of all these new gadgets, my parents often quarrel because of the bills, and because of my brother when he uses the computer for long hours. they dont quarrel so often about him anymore, because recently i've realised that my mum gave up on him, and dont shout at him like before. maybe she really thinks he's a sure-lose case? i really wish that we could be a rich family, so that we wouldnt have so many problems to worry about and things to settle.

i actually have a lot more to say, but i just dont feel like going on because im not in a very good mood. its hard to open up. its really hard.

haiz... what a bad start to a nice sunny day. i woke up and heard my mum nagging, and it continued from then until now. earlier, it was because i woke up late and im not helping out with any housework, right now its cos our things are all messy [somehow my parents decided to do spring cleaning suddenly] and keeps asking me if i want stuff or she'll throw them away. they threw 2 spoiled sofas, cleared the table and shifted our paradise of bags. haiz... my mum say next time if i want to find stuff, dont ask her. FINE WITH ME. i dint say i dont agree right? so why does she still bother nagging? i just dont get whats her problem. go take it out on the wall or something, not me. argh. im seriously sick of my mum nagging, and cos i know shes my mum, i dont ask her to shut up, unlike my brother. sometimes i wish i could tell her shut up, but both me and my bro knows that if we ask her to shut up, she'll say we're rude and therefore, have even more things to nag about. im guess you could say that im currently in a really bad mood, cos my mum keeps calling me out, and my bro turned on the huge fan so i keep sneezing, and he doesnt allow me to turn it off. FUCK my family today. argh. pissed off and wont go on. [i went for a walk after that and got it over with. it was probably the first time i went for a walk when i was pissed with my family]

i got an email and my zodiac sign was libra, so:
LIBRA - Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! however not the kind of person you wanna mess with ... u might end up crying...
well, maybe its just junk, i guess?



I do face facts. They’re lots easier to face than people.
--Meg, AWIT--

wheee. except for my HUGE WORKLOAD to finish, im fine and fun. (: yay me. yesterday night, after i settled the meeting and materials needed, i went to pack and then begged my dad to watch the VCD - Attack Force, acted by Steven Seagal. i still remember watching a lot of shows by Steven Seagal and Silvestein Solo [sry, never knew how to spell it] which were always so much fun, cos they were always action-packed and with loads of violence. anyway, the VCD was NC16 so my dad let me watch it but said that my mum had to watch it so if i didnt know anything i could ask her. i was like '*diaozzz...* oh, ok. can i watch now?' turned out to be neat. watched the 1st disk yesterday, 2nd one today. they keep using the word 'fuck' (: hehe. so cool. they were like 'get the fucking hell out of here' XDDD and they so violent!!! whee loved it. they attack so fast you can hardly see whats going on, and they kill so fast also! around the last part, there was this part where steven seagal injured the superhuman guy and didnt give him any chance of fighting back by breaking into his head, den that guy still can fight leh! wah.... slept around 12am.

next morning i was supposed to leave house at 10.45am, so supposed to wake up 10am, but ended up waking up at 10.36am. 9 mins how to get ready? so i sms peishan tell her i coming late around 10 mins, den she sms me say she late 15 mins leh! i angry at her cos the night before, she was the one who said 'dont be late' rawr. we stopped at macs bus stop to buy food and materials, and walked to kialin's house. reached around 12.15pm. we were supposed to reach 11.30am leh! 45 mins late! haizz... anyway, kialin's house was nice, atmosphere very calm, and she have her own room and computer leh! around 12.45pm, emily came and both kialin and emily went into her room and fell asleep! i told peishan we do the props lah, cos anyway if we dont do, they dont do, who will do? so no choice also lor. then janeal came but i didnt check the time, and she just explored the house. somehow we found out later that the 2 people sleeping inside locked the door. me and peishan were saying 'they 2 inside sleeping together, dunno doing what...' lols. last of all, yiinghuey came and didnt really know the place so me, peishan and janeal decided to go down to pick her up. then somehow janeal got both of the sleeping queens to wake up and they 2 also wanted to go down, cos we 3 wanted to go down and eat at the same time. so it ended up with all 5 of us going down and to the coffeeshop to it. janeal said we looked like a gang, and it was sort of true.

after eating, we went to the supermarket nearby to buy chocolate so that we could eat when we went back. went back and started eating a lot of chocolate and not doing any props, so we decided to rehearse our lines instead. (: jiayous macbeth! hahaha. then at 5pm, peishan and emily wanted to watch 'Prince tunrs to Frog'. then i wanted to watch 'Twin of Dragons' from 7pm to 9pm. after that they still want to watch a 9.30pm show and 11.30pm show, then they were saying 'aiya, stay overnight lah'. hahas... but we know impossible. we left around 6pm. i reached home in time for twin of dragons (: whee. we didnt do much props and i was quite disappointed, but at least i managed to relax. so i have to start doing homework soon. haizz...

homework. fuck. i really dont see any use to do homework when i dont learn anything from it. others might learn from doing homework, but i dont. i learn from studying ON MY OWN. it doesnt matter if i listen to the teacher or not, cos in the end, i learn best without a teacher there. it isnt about whether the teacher is interesting or boring, i just dont like listening to someone talking facts and me learning from that person. so basically, i dont like learning from others, cos i prefer self-learning. for example, i'd rather not learn from my brother, partly cos he doesnt want to teach me, but mainly cos i dont want to rely on him at all. oh well. i just think homework is useless. yepp thats all for today. watching a nice assassination show. (: byee. [violent movies r fun!]



"The time is always right to do what is right."
--Martin Luther King--

well, there are loads of things going on right now. i guess week 6 and 7 are gonna be real busy weeks. jiayous everyone (: firstly, yesterday theory lesson went well enough, we might have make-up lesson on monday, cos we missed last week's one cos teacher was sick. well, im fine with that, monday's a holiday! whee XD while going to theory lesson, guess what? I SAW ABIGAIL AT CAUSEWAY POINT! She was with her mum and sis. Of course she didnt recognise me, but I recognised her easily enough. Seeing her felt weird since just not long ago in the day, she was leading the whole of blue house. amazing? i think it is. (: abigail is nice.

today was supposedly alright. and just like i really really 佩服 xingjun for standing up to the vp, i feel the same way to crystal for standing up to cwm. (: jiayous crystal, we'll always support you and dont worry about anything, cos we know that you're innocent and you know that too! we love you!! (: i believe that justice will be done. i'll try my best to help you, i'll come up with something. [right now i am stressed because of all the homework and tests and projects so im listening to LOUD music.][damnation. i have that same old 'back of the head' headache again. i didnt expect it again so soon, cos i just had one harsh one a few days ago! ): this sucks.] here's my list of work:

1) PROJECT macbeth - props & preparations - meeting [sat & mon]
2) HOMEWORK maths hw 29 & 30 [tue]
3) HOMEWORK geog graded assignment [tue]
4) EXTRA chinese file [tue]
5) PROJECT send IPW oral presentation to teacher [wed]
6) STUDY read up on yi lun wen for HCL test [wed]
7) HOMEWORK home econs portfolio [thur]
8) STUDY maths test [thur]
9) HOMEWORK science UNSW prac

AHHH I GOING SIAO. so many things! sooo stress! what kind of school... aiyooo somemore NAPFA is coming up in 2 week's time. today 2.4km I got 16th position!!! ): was sad. timing of 16:04. currently discussing with yiinghuey what materials needed to bring tomorrow. we having meeting at kialin's house, for macbeth project. working on props. i want to watch VCD aft this! my dad rented. (: very nice de! he rented 3, i wanna watch 2 of them. sooo stress! have to quickly finish discussing what materials so can sms all of them what to bring. argh and i havent check street directory how to go there. oops. anyway, really busy so gotta do work. byeee.



Only a fool is afraid.
-- Mrs Who, AWIT --

i had CCA again today, course. was boring and i didnt understand much, all i knew was that we were supposed to create some hyperlink thing. once again... my sectional friends arent talking to me and that made me quite depressed. i thought maybe jolene would... but she didnt ): rachel did smile at me but i know thats cos shes neutral. [its good to be neutral...] i thought sherlyn and me used to talk to each other a lot, but i guess ever since debra and rachel came, she's been talking more to them, especially debra, and well, i just have a queer feeling. and NO im not jealous and neither do i hold a grudge or dislike debra. i think debra's great. (: shes really friendly and nice. its rather upsetting to be sitting and watching all of them have such a great time while me... well, yeah. it makes me feel extra. maybe because they're all in 2C and 2D and have a closer bond, whereas im the only one from 2W and thats why im so extra? it didnt use to be like this. sherlyn and me were good friends last time, and i really dont know what happened. is it my character? did i do something wrong? it was just a few weeks ago that i remember talking happily to all of them and laughing at those weird jokes. im especially sad because they're my sectional friends, and after all, arent we supposed to be closer since we're in the same section? i have really no idea how to handle this.

my class has been hit by a 'star folding' maniac. many people started folding stars and collected a lot. its really amazing that we're doing this, since we're already sec 2s. we fold while lessons are on, because its really quite easy to do so. loads of homework today so im blogging before i attend theory. when i come back from theory, i have to do all my homework. i think i'll probably be sleeping around 12am today. aww darn. i've been jogging all week except today. i just didnt feel like sweating in such cool weather, so i went to the canteen to eat. (: i've got 2.4km and 5 items tml.. good luck classmates! violin lesson yesterday was terrible, and i felt rebellious so i started playing a lot of wrong notes and didnt bother to change, making the teacher repeat what he say about 5 times each. oops. but HEY, i dont want to learn violin anymore. theres hardly any motivation left for me to continue studying it. i now want to learn piano and guitar and drums. XD oh yeah today in class i was eating a gobstopper when peishan made me laugh so much that i choked on it! was sooo scary. managed to swallow it down with a lot of water. PHEW. thats one reason why i hate pills. well, i think thats all for now, i need to go now. hoping that my friend who wrote me the 'hate mail' will think over her actions and decide if she really hate me, cos i dont do things to make people hate me. gotta go for theory! (:



"It matters if you just don't give up."
--Stephen Hawking--

morning jog was OK, but i felt i was still jogging too slowly. i went to the gym during recess and confirmed that i was jogging much too slowly, and my legs hurt after that. aww darn. this means i have to buck up and practice more. oh well... we had health check up today, and missed english enrichment as a result. music lesson the teacher wasnt here, so we just sat in our class. that time of the day made me quite irritated, as the class was so noisy and i wanted to yell at them to shut up. im not a monitor or anything, but i dont know why, for some reason i felt our class was extremely noisy during music period that day. i bet people can hear us 3 classes away. what the... some of them were ok, but there was this huge and noisy group consisting of a lot of loud people and there were playing a game together, making a really huge racket as a result. the worst thing was, they were right next to me. wah lao... trying to control myself, i listened to music on my hp and put it at my ear. it didnt help. so i ended up with earplugs and the music at the highest volume. i was doing sudoku then, and i just couldnt concentrate with all the noise. some people think that sudoku is dumb and i waste my time doing it, but HEY, i dont hate it and it helps exercise your mind and logic. furthermore, with a brother who had created a computer program to solve sudoku puzzles, how can i not know how to do sudoku? once again, its about my parents expectations of me...

i received a piece of hate mail today, on chinese stnick foolscap paper under my desk. i was like, WOW. firstly, i would like to mention that, although i had never gotten hate mail before, i promise you that these sort of things will not affect me in any way, except that i will type about them, because i find them extremely interesting and amusing. it was half handwritten and half pasted with alphabets cut out from magazine, which made it look really colourful, i thought it was some artwork when i first spotted it under my desk. well, here goes the message: Chan Jane Vin u have no friend. the world does not revolve around u. all u know is to call ppl stupid as if u r e smartest. we dun look at brains 4 friends. if your so insecure n want attention go look in a mirror!

interesting? i think it is. now, for my rating: some of the pasted alphabets dropped out, and it was on foolscap paper and not plain blank white paper. the english used was in short forms and singlish. the word 'insecure' doesnt really fit into the whole 'hate mail' thing.
quality: 2/5
language: 1/5
content: 8/10
overall: 11/20
and, most importantly, my comments:
1) from the rating, you can tell that this person did not put in hard work into the hate mail, which is sad.
2) the person probably doesnt really hate me a lot.
3) afraid of being caught, the person mixed handwriting with pasted alphabets.
4) if you're so brave to write the hate mail, why not just come to me direct and pass it to me, or rather, save your time and effort and just tell me direct.
5) if you really hate me so much, i dont see why you should waste so much time to cut out alphabets and paste it on a paper to write a hate mail, because by doing so, you're giving up your precious time for me. [i swear i'd tell the person "i feel so honoured because u wasted ur time for me."]
6) i dont get affected by these kind of things.
7) from all of the above, i've come to the conclusion that there can only be 2 people who would have done this, and i think i know which of the 2 did this. but dont worry, i wont accuse anyone without any proof.

some last words about the hate mail: i think i seldom do things to make others hate me. the only time i use rude words is to my good friends. to people who i hardly know, i dont use words like that because as i once said before, they just seem innocent to me. not like my friends are guilty, but surely everyone feels more relaxed when they're with their friends compared to when they're with strangers? so im more open when with good friends and therefore can say some things which get on their nerves sometimes, but friends who really know me, know that im always joking when i use rude words, and i almost never mean them. hopefully some of my friends will figure it out...



The spoken word is one of the triumphs of man.
-- Charles Wallace, AWIT --
[why not use it to express yourself instead of writing?]

whee jogging on sunday was successful! (: hehe. i jogged 5 rounds and walked/jogged 3 rounds, making a total of 8. but it was slower that the speed i normally jog in school. hopefully i will be well-prepared for 2.4km in 2 weeks time. hopefully. i left house around 5.30 and finished jogging around 6.30. came home 6.45, and was rushing to watch my show XD sherilyn, pearly, and their friends were still at the stadium when i left. they slacked!! rahhh. at least pearly said she did. well, i admit i sort of slacked too, but im glad i at least jogged 5 rounds. (: whee was drenched and my feet hurt after that, but i felt great. heyy the shoes were ok after all... i think. only for jogging, cos they feel uncomfortable when walking. what a pair of queer shoes.

today recess i jogged for 12mins on the treadmill at 7.2km/h. 12 mins only... haizz... i didnt have time cos i ate recess before that, so i just did a brief jog. (: felt sooo sweaty after that! haha. wahh today chi lit i got caught sleeping by teacher. OOPS. haha. third time liao leh. as in, getting caught sleeping. first n second was by eng teacher, and elit teacher. now by chinese teacher. aww darn. do i only get caught by teachers who teach languages? oh well. i felt a bit guilty but it didnt last long, cos what can i say? I WAS SLEEPY!!! since im being deprived of sleep, how can i not feel sleepy? must be inhuman if i dont feel sleepy. and how do u expect me to keep awake when the lesson's so boring, i cant understand anything, and all we do is take down notes??? in fact, this made me decide that i shall use more time in school to rest, since some of the subjects are a total waste of time. example: some subjects like geography and history, it doesnt make a difference if i stay awake or not because i wont listen and in the end, i will still go home and read the textbook and learn about it myself. so, why not just sleep instead? (: must learn to save your time!

my class went cip today and it was ok. dont believe if other ppl frm my class tell u its damn scary, cos compared to classes like... 2Unity? yepp, compared to them, ours was really OK. but the games and songs were boring to me and i was almost going to faint because of thirst at the end of it. to think i only had 1/5 of water left in my bottle! i was so sad and thirsty after i drank it finish. slept on the bus ride back to school. really couldnt be enthu anymore, was sooo damn tired after seeing the ppl there so enthu. luckily i didnt have a headache or it would have been terrible. my headaches always are. reached school around 5.30, half an hr earlier than planned, so i guess i managed to reach home at a reasonable time. had a bit of a problem staying awake on the train. darn it.

right now i hardly have any appetite cos im still suffering from thirst and although im hungry, right now i'd rather eat an apple than rice and dishes that taste terrible [cos my mum bought them and they seriously taste terrible]. also, my left arm and wrist hurts and i have no idea why. i got the injury today, while in school, before i went for cip. my numb hand, compared to the pain arm and wrist, is nothing at all. gotta go eat dinner now, cya!

(: my hand is slowly recovering!! was really happy. after i played violin yesterday, i tried playing piano again and it was better. was soo relieved. not fully recovered yet, but i guess it'll be fine in a few days' time. THANKS GARY, you're the first person to ask me about my hand, and really, thanks for your concern (: i did tell my parents about it, but i mainly complained to my mum so my dad didnt really know much. they didnt ask though, i was the one who told them. my mum was telling me it was because i wasnt fit [the day i injured my hand was the same day we had PE and 5 rounds of jogging] but i felt it hand nothing got to do with PE. i felt so angry at her. furthermore, she hardly cared. she told me its normal and will recover. i was really worried about my hand and there she was watching tv and telling me that i had told her about my hand so many times already, also meaning that i was annoying and that she didnt want to hear anymore. i was worried because this sort of thing had NEVER happened to me before and i was afraid it would recover. she could at least have consoled me or something...

anyway, im going jogging later and hopefully it doesnt rain. we're going stadium to jog but it'd be hard to walk there if it rains. my dad showed me a newspaper article that said that exercise is important and it helps in your ability to learn. sounds neat. so i know i wont regret jogging later, even though i might be in pain while running, but its ok, cos after the whole thing, i know it was good for my health and brain, and furthermore, exercising gives me a sense of satisfaction. just like when i solve a puzzle, or a maths question, or a mystery, it gives me the same sense of satisfaction so i know i wont regret what i did. (:

my homework list: physics assignment, chinese ws, home econs homework and portfolio, and macbeth play if i complete all the rest, which is probably not going to happen. oh well, i shall still do my best for the group. i started memorising my lines for the play (: let me recite it:

thrice the brinded cat hath mewed.
round about the cauldron go,
in the poisoned entrails throw.
toad, that under cold stone,
days and nights has thirty-one.
sweltered venom, sleeping got,
boil thou first in the charmed pot.
speak.
say, if thou'dst rather hear it from our mouths,
or from our masters.
pour in sow's blood, that hath eaten,
her nine farrow, grease, thats sweaten.

oops thats all i remember so far. i was supposed to remember 4 more lines. darn. i shall recite it to myself while jogging later XD the last 4 lines:

from the murderer's gibbet, throw
into the flame.
he knows thy thought,
hear his speech, but say thou nought.

hahas. i shall memorise later. oh no its raining... hope it stops by 4 or something... oh well. for now, i have to concentrate on my homework. ): bleah. okay i think i better go do my homework.. seriously spent too much time watching youtube for the past 2 days. cya.



"Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connait point." French. Pascal.
The heart has it reasons, whereof reason knows nothing.
-- Mrs Who, AWIT --

NOOOO my hand still hurts! i really wanted to cry le today morning lor.... what if it doesnt recover? just now i wanted to practice piano but couldnt! because my left hand very weak, i cant control it... ): my mum tell me practice violin later... i scared i cannot play violin also... ): really scared... what if it doesnt recover? i know that i should be glad im right handed and my right hand is still working properly, but i often use my left hand too. i have absolutely no idea what happened to my hand, cos this has never happened to me before. HOW? i still can do daily things, but like, if i want to hold a cup with my left hand, i have to use strength, whereas my right hand just needs about 1/20 of the strength i use with my left hand. oh no... ):

yesterday, we [sec 2 cohort] had vp's lesson again and xingjun was so brave man! she folded the paper into aeroplane and threw it. vp saw and asked her to stand up. when she stand up, like kialin said 'so shiok!'. she just stand up like nobody's business lor. really 佩服 her lor (: den vp scold her and say blahblahblah.. den say something like 'its an insult to me'. i think yesterday's lesson, she finally cracked up abit. kept calling people and scolding them, including peishan, who was hardly doing anything wrong. well, i think this might just be the starting of a rebellion. maybe. i dont know. i told kialin, i didnt think even the most guai person in the cohort would be listening to her lesson, and kialin agreed. maybe next lesson, people will be more scared, or be more brave, but i dont think the usual boringness would stay the same. i feel that something's bound to change. after yesterday's lesson. (: [xingjun, you really rock. and dont cry kay? cos we all love you and i think some people really wished that they were as brave as you.]

i've got loads of homework and i intend to do them, cos i wanna go jogging with sherilyn, pearly, and charmaine tml evening, so yeah. (: hopefully i can finish most of my homework by tml evening. [dont think about me finishing everything, its never possible.] well, gotta go, byee!

friday the 13th. i guess it really lives up to its name. i felt terrible today, and im still feeling terrible. 5 rounds of jogging was crazy... after i finished, i sounded as if i had an asthma attack, even though i dont have asthma. O.O i cant believe it. during the run i walked a few times because [this happens to me sometimes] there wasnt an equal amount of air in my lungs or something, and it was really pain, so i couldnt run. im glad i ran for most of the time though (: i felt so relieved after the run. however, my stomach was hurting the whole day and after running, it started hurting again. somehow it didnt hurt when i was running. O.O?? i went home later than usual today - left school around 4.30pm, because i wanted to go home with chowlyn and she was eating her lontong. lols. but i was so sad cos that meant that i was going to have lesser time on the computer ): aww... anyway, we took the bus with ruth [chowlyn and ruth arh... aiyo... they're abit de weird lah. hahaha. ewww talk porn!] when i came home, i realised my socks were drenched, although i did feel them wet, but i didnt expect it to be so wet. it was because we were running on a wet track and all the water splashed around. ):

after i bathed, i used the computer but was so tired that i fell asleep in a weird position, so that when i woke up, my left hand was really numb. normally it recovers in a couple of minutes, but mine was numb for the rest of the day. even now when im typing, so im having some difficulty. i really dont know whats wrong, and im afraid it might be worse than that day when i couldnt press the violin strings properly. when i was eating dinner, i could only use my right hand, because my left hand seems very flimsy and couldnt possibly hold a fork. even when i was holding a cup to drink water, the water almost spilled! because my hand could either turn in or out, so it was hard to hold the cup. had to use strength to make sure it wouldnt tilt until the content spilled out ): the disability of my left hand made me very depressed. after dinner, i used the computer and i seemed to have gotten a headache. its really pain now, so i think i might sleep soon. normally when i have headaches and i watch nice shows, the pain doesnt seem so real anymore, but now it seems worse. oh no... did someone really curse me today? an asthma attack, stomachache, uneven air in lungs, go home late, left hand numb, headache. maybe friday the 13th is really something true? i dont believe in things like curses, so i dont know, but my head is really hurting and i dont think i can continue any further, so i'll just end off here.



I learned that it is the weak who are cruel, and that gentleness is to be expected only from the strong.
-- Leo Rosten --

I've realised that recently, I've been blogging quite often. Or not? I know Wan Jane blogs more often than me (: she blogs everyday... oh well. that day on the bus with crystal, i saw an indian girl from RGS entertaining a younger european or american girl. the RGS girl was about sec 1, i think, and the american girl was about 6 or so. sitting next to the american girl was her father, but he didnt mind at all. just before they got off the bus, i heard the father say to the RGS girl 'thanks so much for [etc...]. you're a sweet girl.' i think that was really nice, and i agree with him too. that RGS girl was really nice and talked to the american girl friendly. she's really outspoken and not shy like others, and dont mind talking to strangers. thats something really interesting.

i cant believe its already week 4 in term 2. it seemed just a few days ago that we came back from the march holidays and started school again. i've been sleeping quite late these few days for not very good reasons, like watching videos and blogging. i think tml PE lesson we'll be running 5 rounds. darn it. i think i will die. ): haish. oh well. i cant do anything about it. oww my stomach hurts today. might be because of the food i ate was a bit inconsistent. actually it is like that nowadays. sometimes i dont eat at all for the whole school day, sometimes i eat 2 or more things during recess, and another 2 or more during lunch. gosh. thats WEIRD. thats often because sometimes i have no appetite, and sometimes my stomach's really hungry. i dont seem to have much appetite nowadays. my mouth is always dry and i never seem like eating anything. i had a headache deciding what light food or snack to buy because of my poor appetite. but yet i still eat alot, because even though i have poor appetite, HEY, my stomach's grumbling anyway. hahas.

im planning to sleep early today and hopefully i will be able to. today and weekends, i have 2 more questions of maths hw, physics assignment, home econs homework, home econs portfolio, read through hist textbk for openbk test, and study maths. i also have to file home econs and clear my daily file because its getting very thick. my violin teacher also asked me to practice violin everyday. that sucks, because, like today, i already missed the chance to play it. lols. how? oh well, i shall play tml. hopefully... hehe. he keep saying i never practice [which is true] but i hate it when people say that, cos its not like i have time to practice or i can practice at 12 midnight even if i have the time. i dont have theory lesson today because teacher's not feeling well. that means a replacement lesson somtime later. oh well. im ok with theory cos its not as bad as violin. [sewing's fun (: random, sorry.]

im addicted to movies and i believe strongly in some of their morals. (: thats why i watch so often nowadays and seldom have time to finish my work. luckily i managed to fix the printer to the laptop that day, or i would have to wait until 3am or so for my bro to let me use his com to print out stuff. whee i love myself for fixing the printer. (: hahaha.



Where all men think alike, no one thinks very much.
--Walter Lippmann--

haiz. i keep telling myself to sleep early, so i shall just faster finish this post and go and sleep. must catch more sleep! nevermind the eyebags, what i mind is being late for school!! its not that i mind being late, but i want to go early because i still have many many things to do. life feels so busy and DULL, cos its all homework and lessons and no fun, and yet somehow i dont have any fun, but i cant seem to find time to do my homework either. maybe i just dont know it but at that time i was having fun? i dont know. my amount of fun just never seems to be enough to satisfy my needs and it feels like im being deprived from fun. aww... *acts drama* NOOO!!! how can a child be deprived of her childhood days of fun? lols. sounds dumb. ok la... currently i've got a 'going to 爆炸' file. [learnt that word from caroline (: hahaha.] and i seriously need to clear it soon but i too lazy and tell myself no time. im always like that. thats probably my most common way of making excuses. no time... haiz... now that i think it over, i actually have a lot of time but i do nonsense during the free time so that it feels as if i dont have any free time. darn. WORK and STRESS!!! but nevermind, i shall work hard [NOT]. ok fine i shall maintain my standard and try not to waste my time anymore, by 发呆-ing or stoning. (: TRY. *jiayous to me*

theres quite a number of project work nowadays and i somehow dont seem to be in the mood for some of time, example, english advertisement. on opposite terms, i am very enthu in some, like, literature play. i remember another project is the science experiment... im not too enthu in that, but i try and help and play my part as a member at least, mabe partly because i feel really guilty when yiinghuey just do the whole thing by herself. its really sad to think of it, cos i can almost never imagine myself doing that. maybe last time yes, but probably not during sec sch life. currently, because im so enthu in the lit play, i told myself i'd start working on it, and plan all the preparations. i want to finally be responsible for something, and since its something i like so much, why not give it a shot? (: i really want to try to be responsible for it and help the group as much as possible. *jiayous our group!* [me, peishan, yiinghuey, emily, kialin, janeal]

im always quiet in class, as many teachers like to say, and some classmates and friends too, but my good friends know better. when im with them, i can talk non-stop like a robot, and always manage to end up acting lame and dumb and thinking about how lame i was earlier on. oh well. the only people who i talk freely to, are my good friends. even normal friends, i hardly talk when i go out with them because im afraid of offending them. YES thats my biggest worry whenever i make new friends. i dont want to make them hurt or angry, so i normally remain silent unless needed to talk. as a result, im very quiet in class for fear of causing people to hate me because of something i did or said. sometimes i wish i could be like trella and just speak my mind anytime. but that wouldnt be me, then.

here are some of my common moods and actions::
Happy: i smile and talk a lot and my eyes remain reasonably big.
Sad: i look at the floor when walking and dont talk to the people around me, only to those who are innocent and really dont deserve to get any coldness from me [i talk as if im alright when its to innocent people]. sometimes i pretend water is wine [if only i had real wine] and try drowning my sorrows.
Thinking: i stare into air and sometimes bite my lip.
Thinking hard: i stare into air and clench my teeth really hard and get very irritated when others bother me.
Bored: my eyes are small and i normally rest my head on my hand or arm.
Curious: my eyes become huge and i stare at the thing i want to find out more about.
Angry/Frustrated: *its one of the easiest to notice. its so visible that few people dont notice it* i make normal noises sound very loud, like banging my file on the table instead of putting it down, and flipping the pages of a book more noisily than usual. VERY RARELY, when im really mad, i give people a certain type of look - my dad says it looks like im going to kill someone... i only remember doing that once, to my brother and both my dad and mum saw it and asked me to stop it. but i did quite feel like killing him at that point in time...



Childhood is the sleep of reason.
-- Jean-Jacques Rousseau --

Today seemed like such a lifeless day, what a waste of a precious day in my life. there was morning jog in the morning and it was considerably fine, then there was science, which i didnt listen to as i was studying for 听写. after that was hcl and we had 听写 which teacher read out really fast and i got left one blank. after all the hard work studying and all the confidence that i had, i forgot a small important point that i didnt study for and that caused my mistake. i felt really upset and shut up for the rest of hcl lesson. after recess, there was english, which was not too good, and then we had english enrichment. joanna didnt come, so our group was in a panic, as she had all the notes and we needed her in the oral presentation and skit. we managed to settle that problem but when i presented, i paused for quite long and i felt that it was terrible. furthermore, the skit we acted out wasnt very well done either. the last period was music and we just slacked through it, which was fine with me. during lunch, i ate a lot and later went to play the piano with wenyi and caroline. we havent done that in a long time. munfoong wasnt there... oh well. i really miss our sec1 days sometimes. it felt so carefree.

i did sectionals today for CCA, and it was probably the worst ever. i've never been like that before. maybe because last time, there was always at least sherlyn to talk to, and to be guai with. but i guess times have really changed. ever since there were more members, our whole sec2 programming began slacking and just talking to each other. some people have also become more rude to the seniors and i find it intolerable sometimes. today was even worst. some of us suggested to work together as a sec2 level and didnt want to be separated, causing a headache for our section head as we were supposed to do in 2 groups consisting of fair numbers of sec 2, 3 and 4. as a result, she let us do it in 1 group but made sure 2 sec3s were in too, partly to make sure that we were doing the correct things and because it was their team's micromouse.

but when their sec4 team member came, i knew what the result was going to be already. im not sure if sherlyn knew, but im quite sure she would have known. however, she didnt show any reaction when the sec4 came in and continued laughing with our friends. i felt quite uneasy because i knew that things wouldnt go well. i was also quite upset that she pretended that nothing was wrong when i told her about it, and went on chatting. if sherlyn and me were as close as last time, i guess we probably would have known. as i expected, the sec4 wasnt happy to know that we were all working on the mouse too and just worked with the sec3s. so basically, it was only 3 of them working on the mouse. i was really angry when the sec2s just continued slacking, especially sherlyn. she wasnt like this last time... that was one thing that made me very angry. i almost felt like going to the section head and asking her if i could work with the other group. but i didnt.

later, genin came over to chat and asked me what was going on. i told her, and later she did something really nice, which made me extremely touched. (: thanks genin, you really helped to brighten up my day a lot. not long later, 4 of them [excluding xiwen] stood up and talked to the seniors. i wasnt sure what they were saying but found out later that they wanted to go to the "toilet". xiwen asked them to wait up and followed them out. genin was talking to me then, but i stood up and upon realising where they were going, sat back down. usually i would have just followed them and gone out too, but somehow i didnt feel like going today. i would feel extremely guilty if i did, so i think i did the right thing by not going. i felt as if i owed the seniors some help and so i decided to just stay in the com lab and try and learn anything if possible. i was glad i could help. the 3 seniors asked me to do some things and i felt really relieved. i feel as if i really owe them a lot, and wanted to make up for all the sec2s' slacking. at least i could help out a little, or i would have gone home feeling so guilty i dont know if i will ever slack during CCA again. later, the sec2s came back and the seniors didnt ask me to do anything anymore. i just sat watching the mouse and its progress while listening to the sec2s chatting. some of them did talk to me but i guess it cant really be called talking. it was just those 1-question sentences.

later, genin came again and asked if i would like to join a filming course, every thursday, taught by her. i heard that the PA sec2s were going, and i immediately though of wenyi and caroline, so i said yes. then she told me the details and i found out that thursday during CCA, i would be having CCA course, so i told genin and she said she'd help me ask mr imran if i could go. (: thansk again genin!! by then, i wasnt too sure if i wanted to go. however, when i thought of how the next few thursdays were going to be like, [slacking and with only the sec2 programming to talk to] i decided that i wanted to go. im very sure. its no point if i just slack and not learn anything. anyway, nowadays the sec2 programming hardly ever talks to me either, and i have no idea why. [them not talking to me started last thursday] so i decided that instead of all these, why not just go and learn some new things from genin? and besides, i have other good friends, like wenyi and caroline, who will be there too. its definitely a better experience.



"To dream anything that you want to dream, that is the beauty of the human mind. To do anything that you want to do, that is the strength of the human will. To trust yourself, to test your limits, that is the courage to succeed."
-- Bernard Edmonds --

***No matter how hard I try, I cant seem to beat you, and you'll still look down on me, cos im just an idiot to you.

I practiced my violin and i realised at the end of about 4 bars that my left hand was not right. i dont know what was wrong. after i played a song finished, i went to soak my left hand in water for a while, then tried flexing it and went back to playing but it did no good. i dont know whats wrong with it, but if my left hand remains like that, i wont be able to play the violin well. i was trying to play it really well today, but turns out... today's not really my lucky day i guess. my left hand ruined quite a lot of my pieces... i played 3 and all didnt sound too good. its mainly the fingers on my left hand which are giving me problems, because they dont seem to be able to press down the strings at the right time, so my left and right hand has no cooperation, leading to a failed piece of song. this wont do. seriously, if my left hand cant perform well by tuesday, [not like i even practice violin during the weekdays, but well, my left hand feels weak, so if it doesnt feel stronger and better by tuesday] im not sure if i'll be able to get through wednesday's violin lesson.

at the end of the 3 pieces, my right hand was worn out while my left hand just felt confused. its because normally i use strength from both hands but today it was mostly my right hand. normally, both hands feel worn out, although, of course, the right one is always feeling worse. oww my right thumb was red, as usual nowadays. i was sweating as if i had just ran 1.2km. that seldom happens. oh well. right now even as im typing, my left hand feels so weak and it can only press lightly on the keyboard while my right hand is banging everything. this feels weird. im afraid my left hand wont recover.... but this seldom happens to me... well, its probably temporary anyway. yepp.

after practicing violin, i practiced piano. so 用功 right? haha kidding. anyway i practice then my brother say he filling up form ask me shut up... i said what has it got to do with my music then he say its very irritating. i was soo pissed lor... ehh even if it doesnt sound nice, im practicing and learning at home right? where else u expect me to practice? people are supposed to practice at home anyway. especially since we HAVE a piano, then dun practice, play only those full and nice songs, got any point meh? walao eh... i wanted to kick him right there and then lah. i felt damn pissed. then he say dun play liao, and to make me not play, he put a calendar on the piano and tried to read it. like, seriously, WTF lah. then i just continue playing, and tell our mum, so she came and scolded him and took the calendar away, placing it on the table. after that, my brother took the phone and said he want to call someone, ask me keep quiet. i was burning lah, but my mum say dun play le, and she take the scoresheet and tries to read it [she cant read it, puh-lease] and i felt so angry that i shouted something like 'OK LAH. dun play liao lah. i want to go in le [go into the room], need the paper lah!' and snatched the paper out of my mum's hand, out of anger. my mum said 'so rude' but didnt comment further.

when i entered the room, i saw my dad using the laptop and said 'i want to use the laptop.' luckily, my dad knows me better than those 2 people and i guess he knew i was angry, so he left the laptop even though he was halfway through his freecell game, telling me i could use it already. i felt better at least, because most of the time, he'll finish his game before he let us use the computer or laptop. thats one of the reasons why i love my dad so much... sometimes he really understands me, unlike some other people. its just that i know his expectations are always high, so we always have to try to do our best to meet them.

peishan told me she had a lot of work to do, which made me remember... me too. i havent studied 听写. darn it. i take about 5 hours to study, and since i cant study 5 hours straight, i take about a day or 2. i havent even read the paper! i only find the words which i dunno how to pronounce, and thats not counted as read, cos i didnt understand the sentences at all. well, maybe one or two. yeah. anyway, nowadays, i also noted that im not exercising anymore and, as a result, im getting fat. cos i eat but dont exercise. i should start exercising. NAPFA coming up soon anyway. haizz... im currently listening to extremely soft music. thats rare because normally when im not in a good mood, i'll turn on my music blasting loud. but i think i'll get a headache if i do that, cos lately, some of my songs give me a headache. so rather not. but i dunno why i put it so soft either. maybe cos i dun want to get a headache?



Beware how you take away hope from another human being.
--Oliver Wendell Holmes--

its strange how my character can change so fast sometimes, that im astonished with myself for being like that. one moment i can be chatting happily away with my friends and the next, looking sulky and staying away from everyone. during projects, i can be really slack and then suddenly start working hard at it. when helping friends, i can be really nice and ask them if they need any help, but then sometimes i can help but i purposely refuse to, giving excuses like my printer spoiled if i dont want to help them print something. thats just me, i guess. and NO, i dont treat my closer friends better than others. not in these cases. meaning that, yes i do refuse to help my really close friends.

i feel that some of my close friends are very irritating, even though, yes, we're supposed to be very close and know each other well. however, sometimes i think some of them are either too serious or too playful. i hate those characters. why cant there just be a mix of playful and seriousness in them? why do they have to be all out? its something i really cant stand. i dont know why, but i dont like those kind of people. and yet, a few of them turn out to be my friends. its surprising that they even are, because when i say i hate someone, or that someone is irritating, i almost never go back on my words. i guess i dont really hate them, then? maybe i just feel that they're irritating at some point in time. which is quite true. why is it that when im playful, they are serious? and when im serious, they are playful? cant we just cooperate and be serious at one time and playful at another? why is there such confusion in our characters? and then, i also have those friends who never enjoy fun, or others who never enjoy work. i find it extremely tiring and difficult to persuade them to be more fun-loving, or hardworking. especially when THEY DONT EVEN LISTEN, so its no point to try telling them. should i just severe ties with them? because i detest that side of them, because this means that: if i want to have fun, i have to go to my fun-loving friends. if i want to do work, i have to go to my hardworking friends. its really tiring to keep going here and there. cant everyone just have a mix of fun and work in them?

i believe i have a mix of fun and work in my character, but i always seem to be serious when playing and playful when working. does that problem really lie with me? do i have to change and be like others? do i have to be playful when they're playful and serious when they're serious? will it be better for everyone?

my dad asked me to do some work for him again. haizz... work = typing. oh well. i sort of argued with him and then he told me not to type first, and he'll go photocopy it first and see how. oh well. oops? i feel a bit guilty. maybe i should have agreed to typing after all? because after that he told me to change the dates and i was like, huh?? oh well. typing seems a better choice after all, but after what i told him, i cant possibly back down and say i dont mind typing, cos he agrees with me that typing is a dumb idea. haha... oops again? haizzz...



"A lot of people think or believe or know they feel (experience) -- but that's thinking or believing or knowing; not feeling (experiencing). Almost anybody can learn to think or believe or know, but not a single human being can be taught to feel (experience). Why? Because whenever you think or you believe or you know, you're a lot of other people: but the moment you feel (experience), you're nobody-but-yourself. To be nobody-but-yourself -- in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting."
--From Critical Path--

i woke up at 12 today. was glad that my mum didnt wake me up earlier, but once i got up she started her usual nagging, which wasnt such a difference either. later, my aunt came and BLAH. [also meaning, no point talking about it cos its all nonsense.] i watched the academy and detective academy Q until 10pm. pro, right? XD anyway, i need to do homework and study, but obviously im too lazy to do it and anyway, everytime i say i have homework, i hardly ever do it right after blogging either. im just too slack. seems like a lot of people in youtube are now deleting their shows or getting suspended. weird. which is bad cos i cant watch as many shows. but its not like i'll have the time anyway. current shows watching: MARS. The Academy. Detective Academy Q. KO One. planning to watch: Meteor Garden. Death Note Movie 2. and maybe other nice shows. its very easy for me to find a nice show, but i know i'll get addicted, so thats why im trying not to go find a new one so soon. watched before: Ouran High School Host Club. Death Note Anime. Death Note Movie 1. [the first 2 were the ones which got me addicted to watching youtube]

im thinking more about the band these few days... cos it seems we've hardly made any steps forward. maybe i should add some pressure? crystal says to start in the june hols. i dont know... i think we should just start now. i mean, sometimes when we have time, we can just practice. alone. then maybe during june hols we meet up to practice. haiz... should i get them to start it now? i dont know... is it a good idea? it seems like a good one to me.

nowadays i feel like studying everything else except violin. but i also know that a part of me dont want to give up on violin. a part of me want to get up to grade 8 violin. will that be too tough for me? should i just give up on it? but my dad told me not too, and i trust him. but meanwhile, i also want to learn many other things and i cant learn them if im already learning violin, because my parents just cant afford all of them. should i just concentrate on my violin and theory lessons, or should i start trying to learn new things? i want to learn many things, and learn them well, but it seems like i can only choose either one. which should i choose?

tey guan asked me about the chalet again today. thurs and fri. alright, sounds fine. he told me he's paying for the first day of both chalets, and his parents gave him a budget of $200. well, i suppose its good news to some people, but i think its really unfair that he pays so much. i know he's very persistent on getting everyone back together, but is this really worth it? will it really turn out as what he wants it to? if anyone, after learning that TG is going to pay for the 1st night of the chalet, feels happy and therefore wants to go, i think thats just plain selfish. TG's paying for it because he wants to see everyone united as one again. i really wonder if that will happen. i would be glad to see that too, but going to such an extent? i dont know. i told TG that he shouldnt be the one paying for so much, but he's keen the chalet idea. haiz. i know i'll definitely feel guilty. im guessing some people will only go for the first night because its free. well, im going for 2 nights and i'll pay TG double of the price because thats my share for the 1st night too. no matter how much it is. its just unfair for TG to be paying so much.

lately, i've also been thinking about rebelling against homework. i just dont feel like doing any. im not afraid of being scolded by the teacher. nope, im definitely not afraid of that. im afraid of getting scolded by my parents. especially my dad. other things dont bother me. probably the only thing which is keeping me going is the fact that my dad have trust in me that i will do well, and even better than my brother. i want to prove it to him that he is right, that i can do better than my brother, and because of that, i dont want to disappoint him by doing badly in school. from experience, my dad told us that some graduates are stupid [believe me, they really are] and yet, he wants us to go to university. i find that a little odd, but then of course, so many people want to get into university, its like a universal goal. or at least, almost 95% of the students whom i know want to get into university. sometimes i want to. but yet, sometimes i dont. i know that currently, im just going to school because my parents pay for my school fees and my dad have faith in me. thats all. but i think this has been going on for too long. now that i can think for myself, i know that i dont want to study all this useless things and i want to have my own way, my own life. i SWEAR i'll be earning at least $100 a month by now, if i dont have to go to school. im really sure of that.

- Had home econs sewing for the first time today
- I think the machines are fun to use. (:
- Practiced playing piano today. XD must learn, so I practised after all. Now all I have to do is keep up the habit.

- CCA today was course
- When I came in, it seemed like no one wanted to talk to me, and I felt a bit left out, so I just sat and watched. Is it just me, or did my friends really not want to talk to me? Hope I can figure it out soon...
- They did talk to me in the later half of the CCA, but not very much either. Am I being selfish by thinking that they dont want to talk to me? Does the problem lie with me or them?
- Went home with I-Tien up to bus stop, Wenyi, Shuling, Meiying, and later in the MRT, Huizhen. We missed a 76! And Wenyi says its because of me... [I went to buy fries, but they could've ran for the bus, I guess?]
- Wenyi kept talking about a giraffe having a blue tongue. ewww... sounds gross. anyway, neither me nor Shuling agreed with her.
- Yay I now know another senior.

- Theory lesson was OK.
- We got last year papers to do, grade 3 one, and so far Section A is a bit worse than OK, but still reasonable.
- 有件事情让我感到非常开心。我想很多人都会说我坏，但我觉得这不是大事所以这样的反应也没关系。

School was OK today, shant elaborate, but i was glad after we got the geog test and chinese 议论文 out of the way. house meeting was OK too. after that, i went home with WAN jane. physics teacher was in the bus too O.O he lives somewhere near YCK MRT i guess, cos he walked when he got off the bus. wan jane stop at wdlands, then at the same time sherilyn got on!!! XD was happy to see her. mainly cos i was feeling sian i guess. (: her sch u is WEIRD> totally! lols. when we got off at marsiling, we saw aiky. (: awww... aiky just say hi and walk on lor... i abit sad... haish... nevermind, maybe she's busy or smth lor. its really fun to have someone to walk home with. it makes A WHOLE LOT of difference. i realised that after using my new handphone for 3 days, i still havent taken a real photo with it and post it or anything. OK i shall remember to take a photo. (: hehehe. but it has very little space.. bleahs... have to store in the memory card. 64MB lehs! verii little to me.

typed on handphone while coming home from violin lesson:: Darn those freaking violin lessons, i dun seem to be learning anything except that i play like a grade 3 when im supposed to play like a grade 5 and my fingers hurt after every single lesson. I want to learn, but somehow i cant seem to. As a result, i've decided to start learning the piano on my own - if i cant spend money on lessons, then why not self-learn for free? I wonder if theres a 'learn-it-yourself' book for piano? Hopefully i'll be able to learn something unlike during my violin lessons. Well, anyway, i know that i can always look my friends up if theres any problem - about 50% or more of my friends know how to play the piano. Isnt that good? I think thats great cos it means that the world is becoming more music-literate.

RANDOMness
- i just read my senior's blog and well, its long but it writes about a lot of things in her life. i used to take her as a role model and i still do. i really hope that i can be like her...
- my handphone plastic cover on top is coming off and i havent gotten the real cover yet. damnit.
- if u didnt realise, i have been updating my profile bit by bit. here and there. yepp, so u can go read it again and maybe you'll find something different >> [wishlist!!!]

i hate my brother. i really hate him. i treat him as a brother because i know that no matter what, we're still related by blood, but i really detest his character and attitude. he has a really huge ATTITUDE PROBLEM. and his EXTREMELY SELFISH. im not being 夸张 at all. i swear its true. to his friends, he act very nice, but then he only befriends people who are smart, and furthermore, he acts very different at home and he keeps ill-treating our mum... ): sometimes i really cant stand it. i mean, even if our mum nags a lot and i cant stand it sometimes too, he doesnt have to be so mean, OK? there was once when he injured our mum's leg until she couldnt walk properly for a week okay? what kind of son is he lah?! i think he's just plain evil... and he cant be bothered with anyone when he's concentrating on something. i think thats rude, cos its like, i just ask one question and he shouts at me 10 times louder. and of course, he says 'SHUT UP' to me. and he really likes calling me an idiot. ): i really dont want a brother like him... when i ask my friends' about their brothers, no matter younger or elder, they might complain a lot and say their brother bully them, but theres still a time when they'll still say they love their brother. it really makes me upset when i think about my own brother and how different he is from other people's brothers. how i wish someday he'll just talk to me without insulting me at least once in 5 sentences, or that he'll just care about the family. but you know what? the chances of those things happening is -100% out of 100%. [im already sniffing and have watery eyes] OK lets just stop here. i cant talk about it anymore, and typing all these wont help solve anything either. im just emptying my thoughts into my blog, nothing more.

this friday is good friday, which also means... holiday!! (: hehe. i've got to study for 听写 and history test during good friday and the weekends. just now, when i came back from violin lesson, i had no appetite to eat and almost vomited out the food that i was trying to swallow. tasted terrible. or maybe its just me? or both. i realised that violin lessons either *make me hungry, OR *leave me with no appetite for anything. ): thats not a good sign. anyway, im trying to fix the printer to my laptop so that i can print direct and dont have to beg my brother to let me use his computer anymore. *PUKES* yepp so i better finish it quick cos i wan to print something and then sleep - very tired, must get more rest so i can study during weekends. (: hehe. nite!

Wowee, i slept in eng lesson today, while doing grpwk! lols. teacher saw and came over, so my friend prodded me awake.
teacher said 'jane, do you know its very unfair to your group members if you're sleeping and not doing any work?'
i stoned.
teacher said 'go and wash your face.'
i stoned.
teacher repeated 'go and wash your face.'
i got up and walked out of the classroom. went to the toilet but hardly washed my face, hung around for a while, then went back to class and slipped in quietly. started doing work.
teacher came around and said 'jane, are u alright now?'
i nodded.
teacher said 'drink some water, it'll help keep you awake.'
i coldly said 'no thanks.' thinking to myself 'WHAT THE?!'
horrid teacher. no one likes her. anyway, that was all. nowadays i seem to keep falling asleep during lessons. as in, i dont just fall asleep like this, i realised i fall asleep when i put my head on my table in a sleeping position. or else, i probably wont fall asleep. o.O

cca was terrible... ): only me and sherlyn were there. rachel not in school, jolene and xiwen at media leader training, debra no idea. i felt terrible when i did something wrong and the section head corrected me. sobb.... sorry!!! but i didnt know that it was supposed to be done that way. awww... oh well nevermind. she was ok to me after that, at least, and not angry. but cca was boring and quiet because the others werent there. theres a gaming course which costs around $100. i wanted to go but after hearing the price, im 101% sure that my parents wont allow. besides, they dont have the money. and even if it uses edusave, mine's running low. anyway, went home with jane liew and shuling after cca. wenyi didnt come for cca because she had cip. met sufyan and russ wong in mrt and i hardly greeted them or said hi. just kept talking to my seniors. so, sufyan smsed me, accusing me of not 'acknowledging ex-classmates', and talking to my friends instead. as if i even need to acknowledge him. anyway i told him that was my senior not my friend [my senior typed it and i agreed.] anyway, he and russ stopped at semb, which was good cos i could talk to my senior peacefully and without sms interruptions.

RANDOMNESS:
- stupid chinese test tml. ARGH go die!!! i shall write crap tomorrow, and i know im good at writing crap XD
- shall study chinese for the whole night. lucky i studied geog already.
- waaaa i dont like my dinner.
- sleeping in class is becoming a habit to me.
- I LOVE MY NEW HANDPHONE!!!
- i'm sleepy... seriously. i can sleep RIGHT NOW if i want to... aww how?? sooo sleepy...

typed on my handphone so its kind of short. too busy to add in other stuff. here u go: Aww crap. I was supposed to stop at wdlands mrt but i forgot and ended up at marsiling mrt so i had to take a train back :'( darn it. Waste my time. Luckily i didnt step out of marsiling mrt yet. PHEW! When i was going back, at wdlands mrt, an old lady asked me for directions. Oh well, at least i helped someone. Haiz. Sch was ok today except that i fell asleep during elit lesson and d teacher spotted me, but at least she isnt fierce, but the whole class was staring at me. Oops? Clit lesson i didnt sleep - yay! But anyway i seldom slp during clit anymore, too busy copying notes. Had chinese remedial for my 2nd time. I hardly understood what the teacher was saying and almost fell asleep.

well, i was out again today afternoon. got a new handphone! (: its loads nicer than my old one. i'll be passing my dad my old phone. (: i spent a lot of time out to get the new phone, but its ok, i think its worth it. finally, huh? yeah, i was getting sick of my old one because its so hard to press, and sometimes i'd get really irritated with it. i think my new phone is FUN. its nokia model. gotta do maths hw, IPW and study geog now. maths hw is giving me a headache... i dunno how to do the 2nd last question... and i dun wan to do the last question cos i dont like to skip questions. so im thinking about q14 now... peishan also dunno how to do. she say last question she also dunno. oh well. must solve it myself! jiayous!!! (: