#363

what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck. ok fine i shall stop my nonsense. but i am just feeling soooo frustrated and annoyed and irritated and whateverrr!!! ARGH.



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"Can you stop playing a fool? Stop this nonsense. Can you play it properly?" he demanded.

She froze. 'I am playing it properly.' Her gaze remained on the book, but her eyes were blank and not taking in anything.

"That's why I didn't want to promote you to the next grade. I could have earned a few more bucks but I said no. Why? Because I know you're not good enough." He was almost shouting now.

Slowly, her eyes became damp and wet with tears. Her face burned with shame and embarassment. Her violin sank lower and lower.

"I'm a violin teacher! I know when my students don't put in effort! You can ask me about the computer, I wouldn't know anything! You can ask me about politics, I wouldn't know anything! You can ask me what those guys do, I wouldn't know," he chuckled.

She felt disgusted. 'How could he even laugh?' She tilted her head up a little to try to get the tears to flow backwards.

"You can't pass like this! You're not even playing seriously, how do you expect to pass? The examiners can just stop you halfway and not listen to the rest of the song, if they don't think you're good enough. But this is my lesson, so I need to complete the whole 45 minutes of it! Are you sure you really want to sit for this exam? You can go and cancel it right now, and you'll still get your refund back, you know? Then during the lesson you can just relax, because you don't need to practice for any exam! I'm telling you honestly, I don't think you're ready for it! Who's forcing you to sit for the exam now? No one's forcing you! I'm not forcing you! You can take your time! Why are you wasting your father's money? Go and cancel it now if you don't want to continue!"

'My parents are forcing me, and I will do what they want.' She held the violin and its bow with one hand, and wiped her hand over her eyes hurriedly. Now her face was wet with tears. She wiped her face. Then she looked up and stared at the book again. She gathered her confidence and brought the violin up to her shoulder. Taking a deep breath, she raised the bow and started playing once again.

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anyway, I slept at 3.30am on Tuesday night/Wednesday morning, as I was trying to complete my elit essay. spent almost the whole night half doing it and half falling asleep. only finally went to bed at 3.30am. woke up at 5.30am. i think its really quite amazing. and i didnt fall asleep during lessons today. :D why was i doing my elit essay so late into the night, and why didnt i do it during the weekends or on monday? cancel the weekends. the only thing that i do during the weekends is to slack. on monday, i was feeling even more sick than the usual sore throat, cough, phlegm, runny nose, etc... as i had an additional slight fever. thus, i went to sleep at 11pm [so early right? (:] and did not do a draft for the elit essay that night, which meant that i would have to do the whole elit essay on tuesday night. how true. luckily, the only work for today is to study for chemistry test tomorrow, and there's not much to study for this test. *PHEW* i think i might be able to sleep at about 11pm again today? hopefully. i need my rest, else my throat and nose will never heal.

#362

ok. i must think positive. i was going to start with 'ahhhhhh' but i thought twice and decided not to. thats being negative. i must not be negative. must not. no matter what. because if i start doing so, im going to ruin my next 2 years of life. ok so nowadays im trying to work harder and stuff, but its still proving very hard to do so. even though i work hard during the weekdays, i still slack a lot during the weekends. and i work hard during weekdays only because i have so much homework that i sleep at like, what, 12am everyday? which is not good. i want to be change for the better, but i really dont know how to kill off my old habits. thats why, for now, i should just think positive first. maybe i'll improve as the year moves on. maybe i'll deprove. but for now, i'll just stay positive and try my best to work hard.

this week has been the usual - struggling with homework, studying for tests, sleeping late, falling asleep in class or while studying, etc... i think i have this mental thing against studying. every time i start studying, i get bored or fall asleep half an hour later. and this applies strongly for chinese - 5 minutes is all it takes. i have no idea why this happens. i think its my mindset, so i'm trying to change it, but its not workinggg. im still getting bored while studying halfway. its making me quite frustrated. *SIGH* woke up really late today, and my throat still isnt very good. it started giving me problems on thursday night, after i ate a few pieces of chicken which was in the dinner my mum bought. on thursday night it was really terrible. friday it was a bit better, and now its better than friday, but still not fully recovered. but luckily, now its just itching instead of hurting.

practiced my violin twice today, which is something i havent done for a long time, i think. im trying to practice more of my violin because im taking exam this year and i really want to pass, not because my dad will kill me if i dont, but because i dont want to let my parents down or waste their money. its really expensive okay? the violin exam. plus, there's still the accompanient whom we have to pay. i dont get why violins must be played with piano accompanients. i know there's a possibility that i might not get through this year, but i must try, right? recently, i've been wanting to get the physics textbook cos i dont learn physics and i want to self-learn it. but it costs $30... and i just spent all my savings, $40, on my violin exam book. i didnt want to ask my parents for money for the violin exam book, because im really afraid that i wont pass, and i dont want them to waste their money on me. but my dad says that i have to get up to grade 7 before he'll let me quit. that sentence alone can start me crying because of fear that i'll let him down. anyway, my mum told me that she'll give me back $40 for the violin exam book, and plus the $30 for the physics textbook. that makes me feel really really guilty. i'll save up another $30 if i have to, don't give me the money, mum. i mean it. also, im glad my dad encourages me to self-learn physics (: he really does encourage people with his words. i can tell that he really trusts me when he told me that he'll pay for all the practice papers and the o level physics exam if i want to sit for it.

oh and i thought my dad was being random, but he keeps talking about his 'new son' so often that i dont think he's random anymore. he knows this 19-year-old boy from a tribe in another country who came here to work, and he keeps calling him his new son. its quite interesting, really. seems to me that the guy is quite hardworking and nice, from what my dad told me. my dad told my bro that he had to call him elder brother because he's elder than my bro. also, the guy cant really talk english well, and talks mostly malay. and it was really nice of my dad to actually give the guy his handphone. :O my mum was quite mad over that, because my dad wanted to use my mum's handphone for a day or so because he had no handphone. i really really 佩服 my dad. is that the correct word? haha. oh well. and my dad says that he'll bring the guy over some time and teach him stuff like how to use the computer. o.O does that mean i'll have a new elder brother? i wouldnt mind. :D we'll see how it goes.

THINK POSITIVE!

#361

Somehow there's a lot of socialization this week. Monday was with 2W '07 clique during recess, and going home with Yiing Huey and Crystal after school. Tuesday was with 1P '06 clique during recess, and with JC1 seniors after CCA - shuling and karen. All of them were fun :D

Wednesday's assembly was the most interesting one ever since I've been in SN. 2 birds were set free, representing SN girls, 1 stayed on the field and the other flew into the trees and got eaten by a crow. We all saw that. So they recaptured the 1st one. I know a lot of people were sad, but I agree with what Sharon said. It's called the irony of life. Honestly, I was half amused and half sad. But, really sorry to those who are feeling sad for the bird. Whoever you are, if you want to know more about the interesting assembly we had, you can go to other SN girls' blogs... I think quite a lot of people will post about it.

When going home, I saw this teenage couple, probably from some foreign school because of their school uniform. It was quite cool, and looked like it might be Japanese or Korean or something of that sort. Plus, their hairstyles were extreme, especially the guy's one. You'll go 'WHOA' if you see people with that hairstyle in Singapore. Seriously. You can hardly find these kind of people in Singapore.

Thursday's CCA was bonding again, and it was fun too. Friday I went home with Crystal and we went to eat at Cavana yet again. Oh and we saw Dawn and her friend there. Saturday I watched videos for the whole day and got quite an earful from my parents. And today I did my homework and watched one episode only, but the temptation is really hard to resist. Anyway, sounds like I had quite an interesting week. (: Won't have much time to blog very often, I think.

#360

I haven't blogged for very long and that's a little sad. This post is partly because Gar Wai asked me to post, so here's your post Gar Wai (: This week has been just lessons and homework for me so far. In secondary 2, I used to play on the computer until 12am and then go to sleep. Now I'm doing homework until 12am and then going to sleep, which makes me feel really hardworking. o.O Though I have to admit that I do my homework very slowly, and I have absolutely no idea why. Maybe because I get distracted easily? Anyway, lessons are as usual, a quiet class listening attentively to the teacher, though nowadays the class has been a little more noisy. Or is it just because the people who I sit with are more talkative? No idea. I can't believe I actually did this: I brought home most of my different subjects books to study during the weekend. Yes I am feeling more hardworking than usual. I have never, in my life, bothered to study all the subjects during the weekend unless the exams are coming or something of that sort. I wonder what's wrong with me.

Now, for main events. Monday I had to stay back to prepare for the micromouse competition on Tuesday. Tuesday I left class a few minutes before recess, bought food, and went to the forum to meet the others. We spent much of the waiting time doing homework, which was more than I expected, but I suppose it was expected considering that the waiting time was really long. Halfway through the competition, my team's mouse blacked out so we couldn't continue. I'm not too sure about how the other team's mouse did though. After that, we just went back to doing our homework. Our teacher told us that the competition ended around 5pm, but we went home at 4pm.

Wednesday was my mum's birthday, and after school I went to Causeway Point to find a nice cake. Ended up choosing a coffee cake. Later, on the way to violin lesson, I reserved a cake, then went to collect it after my lesson and went home with it. After my mum opened it, she told me it was the exact same cake that her colleagues bought for her that very day for her birthday too. That was sooo coincidental. Of all the many cakes, I chose that coffee one and it happened to be the one her colleagues chose too. That's interesting. Today's my dad's birthday, but I didn't know what to get for him and he said that he didn't want a cake, so I haven't gotten anything for him yet. By the way, 7 Jan was my cousin, Benson's birthday. 9 Jan was my mum's and 11 Jan is my dad's. Then, 14 Jan is another of my cousin, Gina's birthday. Lastly, 19 Jan is my brother's birthday. 5 birthdays of my relatives in 2 weeks. Interesting, right? Oh, 19 Jan is also Duncan's birthday, but that's extra. Haha oops sorry Duncan.

I'm glad today's Friday. Went home with Crystal and we ate at Cavana and did some of our homework there. That was fun. For the weekend, I have about 3 pieces of homework and I'm also planning to study most of the subjects. Wish me luck? Haha. Its been some time since the last time I used my laptop. I wonder how busy I'll be in the middle of the year or something. I still feel like slacking, but I'm planning to score well for something, for probably the second time. The first time I wanted to score well, it was for PSLE, but I didn't do anything. I've learnt from my mistake. This time I'm going to study hard 2 years before O-levels and I must score well for my dad. I must I must I must for my dad. Wanting to score well for PSLE was for myself, because I wanted to be with my friends, but now, its not about myself anymore. I didn't really care actually, but my dad wants me to score well, so I'm going to work hard mans. :D

I'm currently having some problems with some of my friends, and I can't think of any idea to solve it. My previous 'brilliant idea' didnt work too well when I tried it. I am sooo frustrated with myself because I can't think of any ideas to help my friends. They might not think they need help, but I think they really need help. Its just that... They never listen. How I wish they would be serious about it... *sigh* Oh and one more point. If you ever hear me talking bad stuff about someone[adults don't count], seriously, punch me in the face. I mean it. I swear I shan't talk bad about my peers ever again in my life. Well, thats what's been happening recently, and I've got to go slack now, because I'm going to have to do my homework after I'm done slacking. Goodnights (:

#359

I forgot to mention that my dad bought 2 more dvds :D I love my dad! Anyway, Friday was a normal day. But I realised that lessons are really quiet. When the teacher talks, no one else talks, and its amazing, considering that my sec 1 and 2 classes were both chaotic and noisy, so you seldom hear only the teacher talking. Its quite a huge change, and I'm still trying to adjust to it. I have to refrain from talking to my table partner, and also from sleeping, which is hard, okay? Which is really really hard for me, because my attention span lasts very short for boring things like proper lessons. Ok, so then there was photo taking after school, which started around 3pm. Since my index number is quite early, I left after getting my photo taken, to go for CCA, which our section had because we had to prepare for a competition coming up next Tuesday. [Oh no, that means I have to miss lessons D: I don't want to miss lessons...]

Today, I was leaving my house for school because of the CCA fair. At the MRT, a group of guys were in school uniform and talking among themselves. They were holding papers in their hands so I was wondering what was up with them. While I was walking up the stiars, one of them suddenly broke off from the group and stepped some way in front of me, facing me. He was holding a donation bag and smiling and looking at me. I was expecting him to ask if I could donate, and I planned to say sorry, no, and continue walking on. But somehow, maybe because he hadn't done this sort of thing before or was shy or thought that it was common sense that I should donate, when I reached him, he didn't say anything, just continued smiling and looking at me. I was thinking to myself 'um... this is weird...' And, feeling a little guilty, I walked past him. I don't know what he did after that, but I suppose that he was probably feeling quite embarrassed or dumb. [Well, if it was me, I would feel both embarrassed and dumb.] I think I heard laughter from behind me, and that made me feel more guilty. But still, I think that he was really cute, smiling and looking at me expecting me to donate, and there I was staring back and feeling unsure and finally walking past him. And, I think that compared to his friends, he was more daring than them, though probably still not daring enough to ask people to donate. What an interesting experience.

Also, while going to school, a lady walked up to me and asked me about CCAs, saying that her daughter was in sec 1. I tried answering her questions as best as I could, when she asked about the sports CCAs and others, but I don't think I did a very good job, because she was speaking Mandarin, and, as you all know, my Chinese is lousy. As for the CCA fair, it wasn't as interesting as I expected it to be, but after a while it was ok. Basically we just wait for sec 1s or parents to come, and explain the CCA to them and show them our achievements and things like that. I had to run the micromouse, and had to keep starting it especially when the sec 1s were there, because most of them thought that the mouse moving was interesting and stayed to watch me run the mouse for I-dont-know how many times. I heard a few 'that's so cool' when I ran the mouse and that raised my spirits up a little. I left and came back twice. The first time was because I met Sherlyn, so I went back to the booth with her for a while. The second time was because I met Gar Wai and she wanted me to bring her to my CCA's booth.

I came home and ate lunch and fell asleep while doing something halfway. Right now I'm still feeling sleepy but I want to watch a dvd :D catch you another time!

#358

what a crappy day. *curses* I woke up late because somehow the alarm clock rang at 6pm instead of 5pm. then I got to school not late, but late enough anyway. the whole class was already in the hall. lessons were all normal and as usual, which was sian. then at the end of the day we had a talk by principal =.= I ate lunch in class while trying to figure out what to write on my piece of chinese homework. went for cca after that. bonding: ok. work: crap. total rubbish. although I have to admit that I think our mouse drawing was funny although it was sort of crap anyway.

after cca, as usual, went home with wanjane and wenyi. reached home and got ready to go for theory. and my mum came back and asked me to eat dinner before I went, so there I was trying to stuff food into my mouth quickly. argh. and I was late for theory. and thus didnt get a chance to pay my fees because I went straight for lesson. after lesson, I had to ask the teacher if I could take the exam in march, and guess what? I cant. damn. because that means i'll have to take the one in october and that's when I'm supposed to be having exam period and stuff. and because I talked to teacher, by the time I went to the counter wanting to pay my fees, the staff were already leaving and told me to pay next week. *swears*

and I came home and found my brother playing beethoven music on his computer which probably can be heard even from outside our front door. I'm ok with beethoven music, but I hate noise, and turning it up so loud is labelled as noise, ok? plus, he was working on the table which my laptop was on, which made me more annoyed because I was very bu shuang with him and I didnt want to sit next to him. another reason for me to be bu shuang with him was that when I turn on my music loud, he scolds me and makes me shut it off no matter what. but there he was, happily doing homework and listening to his music out loud. he could at least have used earphones like I do. but no, he didnt. so I turned on my laptop and put on my earphones and turned the volume up, and since he was sitting next to me, he could hear it and scolded me. hellooo I was doing homework too, okay? he is so damn inconsiderate and rude man.

AND I have homework to do. thus, ending off this post with one more sentence:

I AM SO FREAKING PISSED AND FRUSTRATED RIGHT NOW BECAUSE OF THE CRAPPY DAY THAT I HAD.

#357

first day of school. (: well it was okay. not great, but OK. I came quite early and it was emptier than I expected. only munfoong was there. so I was second. third was zhuangyun. anyway, I chose a side seat next to the window at the corridor, and zhuangyun sat next to me. lynette and eileen sat in front of us and sharon sat in front of them. 2W '07. I dont know why, but we were sitting together, and it was something that made people feel united. well, I did, at least. although we still had to change our seating arrangements though. to go to my next seat, I just have to stand up, turn left, walk all the way to the other end of the classroom, and sit down. interesting, huh? (: I'll be next to natalie.

for the first half of the day, it was mostly talks, and thus, *snore*. the next half we had lessons, and for our class it was maths and bio. maths lesson was rather interesting. bio was plain normal lesson, which also equals to boring. after that we had project work period when we appointed our subject reps. sharon's english rep, and lynette's math rep. and weirdly enough, I'm amath rep. eileen called out my name, and I was really quite shocked. and about the speech... sorry to cheryl because I asked her to go first, but I had absolutely no idea what to say and I was still in a state of shock at that time. I shall tell you honestly that I am absolutely clueless about speeches, so I was really nervous about it. 5 seconds before cheryl was done with her speech, I was still frantically asking zhuangyun about what I could say in my speech, telling her 'I don't know what to say!' and asking 'What am I supposed to say???' sorry zhuangyun. it was a surprise when I got the position and I was quite :O for about 5 mins or so.

besides that, I hope that my classmates will be good to work with because we're going to be with each other for 2 years, so, :D looking forward to knowing everyone better and hopefully we'll all become much closer at the end of these 2 years.



Did i make a mistake in saying no?
If I did, when will I find out that my choice was wrong? Will it be too late by then? But if I didn't, why am I feeling so confused about my decision?
Someone tell me what I'm supposed to do. Now isn't too late to change my answer to a yes, but I don't know if I want to or not. Someone tell me what I'm thinking. Please.

#356

ok i shall make this post short and brief. hopefully.

on saturday, me and my bro went to marina bay and met our aunt there, then we took a ride in one of our aunt's friend's car to this place where ships can be docked, and we went onboard a stationary ship. there were activities, then the buffet dinner, then activities, and home sweet home. a few of the activities were pass the parcel and talent time. it was quite interesting and fun, except for the fact that i missed about an hour of my show! home alone 4. ): only watched the back part when i got home. home alone rocks man :D the whole series. slept late, around 12+, which wasnt too good.

on sunday, i had to wake up at 4.30am and get ready to go out. it was freaking early but... ah well. me and my mum took a cab to paya lebar, where we took a coach to m'sia. we stopped at a coffeeshop for breakfast. i was looking at the signs and hearing the people talk and like, everything was in chinese, so i was :O cos... well, aren't we supposed to be in m'sia? it was weird. anyway, we ate dim sum. after that, we went to this chocolate shop, where there were lots of varieties of chocolates. the tour guide said m'sia had cocoa trees and was quite famous for that, besides rubber and stuff. the chocolates looked really tempting. but we didnt buy any cos they came in quite big packs. you could get free chocolate there though. then, we went to a salted fish shop and there were some common shops around.

we had lunch at a restaurant and it was seafood like lobster, crab and fish. the rice and fishball soup and fish and chicken were all quite common-tasting. after that we walked around a bit, then went to an ostrich farm, where there were lots of ostriches and a few ostrich eggs which you could try stepping on. the little kids fed a few ostriches with corn and about 4 girls tried riding an ostrich called tom. that was quite cool. (: next stop was the desaru fruit farm, which was one of the highlights of the day. theres durian, orange, dragonfruit, jackfruit, passionfruit, and lots more. and there were bees too. and a mini zoo with monkeys, rabbits and more importantly, goats. the goats were just darn cute, and the tinier ones looked like little dogs. they acted like dogs too, putting their front legs on you if they wanted more food from you. they were just plain cute, and the little kids went around feeding them with grass.

then we had dinner at a restaurant, and finally went to see the fireflies. we took a boat and went around the bushes seeing if we could spot any fireflies. after about 5 mins of going around trying to spot fireflies, we finally started seeing them. and as time passed, more of them were visible. they made the bushes and trees look like christmas trees. dad wanted me to use the video cam to record it but i didnt bring it. i tried recording with my handphone camera but it was all black, so i didnt bother recording anything. after about 10 mins or so, the boat went back and we took the coach all the way back to s'pore, going through the second link at tuas. when we finally reached paya lebar again, it was around 11.15pm and me and my mum took a cab back home. what a day. i couldnt wait to go to sleep. (:

on monday, which was the last day of the year, i woke up in the morning, ate and did some things, then slept through the afternoon because i was so tired from the day before. at night i watched the terminator 3, which is also one of my favourite series, like home alone. it rocks too! :D planned to do homework during the day but didnt really do much.

and today, [oh yes, happy new year to all out there] i havent touched my homework yet, which is bad news, but i cant help it. its the last day of the holidays. how sad ): tomorrow school starts, and there'll be a never-ending pile of homework again. *sighhh* well, happy last day of holidays, everyone! [and yay i took about 20 minutes to type all this] now, on to homework! if i can ever get them done.