[tag reply]

suzume: haha good for you (: at least i know my blog is of some use :D and why did you say yes to zoe! tsktsktsk. haha she come along then she'll be 电灯泡! hahaha. okay i'm so evil. no lah kidding lah (: let her come and be 电灯泡 lor :D and you mustmustmust convince jacq and jessica to come! :D yay! fun-ness. i cant wait!!! :D my lovely arcade awaits me! :D [haha paiseh. so 夸张. ^^'']



yay i am HIGH right now :D because. i studied like shit on saturday, and treated myself to 4 hours of videos yesterday, plus a lot more time slacking and doing nothing :D [told you that my concentration span can't last long.] :D then i was super happy because i watched 5 episodes of a new drama. haha [yes i started a new one! even though i have 14 halfway-watched dramas already, 5 of which are repeated. but i just dont feel like watching them lor. i want new one! :D] and then after i was done watching, it was past 11pm. and i was like :O WHAT?! and then i studied elit for about half an hour or so, and went to sleep. not because i didnt want to study, but because i couldnt concentrate with my mum nagging. she was nagging because i was watching my videos very 爽-ly even though i had exam the next day :D hahaha. whateverrr lah. i am pro de. dont need to study can pass. [pass only hor] so i dont want to study lor.

but i think i'm becoming more and more like jan. i dont want to be like him. i want to be everything opposite of him mans. i DO NOT want to be like him and i dont want anyone to say that i'm like him okay. and the only person who says that i'm like him is my mum. maybe thats why i really really dont like my mum sometimes. i will go all out to just NOT be like him. and i never, in my whole life, want to be compared to him again.

yeah so anyway, today's elit exam was okay lor. [as usual.] i tell everyone that everything is ok. because thats the easiest way to describe everything, so that no one will question me or comment on anything. if you say something its easy, people who think its difficult will think that you're arrogant i guess. if you say its difficult, people who think its easy will look down on you. you know, sometimes i really hate this world.

after exams, i went home with jacq, but we met elaine on the way so we all went home together. the mrt was fantabulously empty :D i know there's no such word. its a combination of fantastic + fabulous. ok actually there were still people lah. but yeah, its been quite long since i've been on such an empty and quiet mrt. (: i love the peacefulness and calmness and tranquilty of it all :D haha okay sounds stupid. but i did mention a lot of times that i hate noise. so, yeah. and i was super high so i couldnt be bothered to be a 有公德心的好孩子 and not make noise. so i think i myself made a lot of noise :/ sorry whoever was in the mrt if i disturbed you. yeah then at first i wanted to get off at woodlands with them, but decided against it. wanted to come home and sleep, but ended up using my lovely laptop and then now i'm going to watch my fantabulous videos! :D hehehe. i'm so evil. nevermind. can study bio later =P seeyou~!

okay. i am in a badbadbad mood right now.

i dunno why. i was feeling tired so i went to play piano, which was ok. then after that i changed to playing violin, and then i just got supersuper pissed while playing it and was thinking about elit and exams and all that shit and then i played like crap too. i'm glad my parents didnt comment on my playing today, or else i would probably just explode. and when i played the song a second time, i 故意 played it terribly and with some really heck-care attitude. :/ sorry but i was just feeling really pissed okay. i know i wasnt supposed to vent my anger on things :/ sorry sorry sorry. especially sorry to my violin. and yeah then after that i was damn pissed and didnt even bother to correct my mistakes and just anyhow play the violin lor. crapcrapcrap. and then after that i was done, i was sweating so my temper just got worse because the stupid fan wasnt even blowing at me. i had that really really pissed expression on my face. the one that, if my mum saw, she'd go 'what. whats wrong with you.' in a very rude manner, which would make my mood worse. lucky she didnt my expression.

yeah then i was pissed with the light that my dad had turned on for me to be able to see my scoresheet properly. haha i dunno why. dont ask me. i was just pissed at a lot of things at that time. yeah then after that i turned it off. and was pissed at my mum when she told me turn on the table light. [uh. different light lah. but still, i just didnt want to have any lights turned on lor.] and then, since i was so pissed and in no mood at all to study, i decided to turn on my laptop. and wow. it just bloody lagged like its been doing for for the past i-dunno-how-long. and i just got even more pissed.

yeah then right now, i'm trying to chill by listening to my very nice chinese songs. normally, if i'm pissed, i'll listen to english rock songs. like those by linkin park. but then i'm not in that mood either lah. i think that, if i listen to any english rock songs now, i'll get a headache. the chinese songs are working, but then just now, my brother sat down at the table with 3 piece of butter cake in this plastic bag, and he ate one. and i got damn pissed again, because i wanted to eat one, but then he ate from the plastic bag itself, so i just got angry at him and refused to eat the butter cake. dont feel like eating anything which he had eaten from. yes, i hate him that much i guess. so anyway, that made me turn my music volume up.

and i dont feel like studying elit anymore. i just dont feel like studying mans. crapcrapcrap. i want to watch my videos! D: feel so deprived of my videos. shall go see if the latest video is out. oh yah. i'm going to uninstall my stupid sims right now okay. i dont care if i never ever play it again. its lagging up my whole laptop. and making me pissed. maybe i'll start studying again later, after uninstalling sims and watching my video and when i no longer feel so pissed. yeah. well, i'm cooling down now already, because i'm using my beloved laptop and listening to all my nice chinese songs :D [i specially selected them from my whole list of chinese songs. so they're the nicest ones. haha. (:] yepp. and shit. my videos arent out yet. crap. oh well. maybe i'll watch some other videos lor. but i want my nice nice videos D: haiz. oh well. off to do some other crap besides studying, then.



[tag reply]

wanjane: dont be sad lahh (: you can always study more! hahahaha. okay that sounded kind of evil. or you can just ignore it all and not care about anything. but thats not very good advice. haha oops :/ oh well. but you can be glad that at least you're not as slack as me! :D

hello! :D haha i'm very high today. you know why? i actually studied for the whole day yesterday! :O was very shocked at myself. and i actually finished studying the 5 chapters of bio i said i would. um :/ but i didnt finish all yesterday lahh. haha. i did 4 chapters yesterday and 1 chapter today morning. and you know what! yesterday i was studying like shit and trying to cram everything, and then i kept thinking it was a sunday! hahahaha. because i've almost NEVER studied so much on a saturday. i usually just cram everything on sundays. haha. so i had that 'oh no i need to study quickly' kind of feeling because i kept thinking it was a sunday and my exam was the next day. hahaha :D which was good because it kept me going i guess. although i would digress quite often. like. readreadread, very good. then suddenly, [FOR EXAMPLE] i think about how guai i am. and then i DIGRESS. and then i'll be reading the same line over and over again and not absorbing anything. then i'll be like 'shit. DONT DIGRESS.' and stop thinking about whatever i was thinking about, and go back to bio. hahahah :D felt damn pro yesterday! (: someone please tell me i am pro! :D hahaha. okay egoistic. haha. yeah then i was supposed to study 5 chapters yesterday, but i studied 4 and it was almost midnight already, and i was bloody tired, so i decided that i could do it the next day. and cut short my elit study time.

today morning, i woke up before the alarm sounded!!! :O *shocked* hahahahahah :D i woke up about 2 or 3 mins before it sounded and waited for it to ring. hahaha. then i intended to get out of bed without waking my mum up, but she woke up anyway -_- which, anyway, means that i woke up at 8AM. wow i actually woke up at 8am to study!! ohmygod. haha :D see? i can be pro when i want to okayyy. =P and i studied excretion from about 8.40am - 9.40am :D plus, i studied extra!!! hahahaha. i went to study the dialysis fluid thing when we didnt need to. hahaha. then i was thinking how easy the stupid dialysis thing was, compared to the rest of the chapter about the kidneys. and then later, when i checked what i'm supposed to study, it said: Excretion (up to TB page 231). and i was like :O whattt?! and went to check how much extra i had studied. hahahaha. so dumb of me right? :D but nevermind. i'm very very high today! :D

after i was done with bio, i started on elit. shall read the notes that teacher gave us first, because i have a feeling i'll just fall asleep if i start reading the whole book from cover to cover. hahaha. at least the notes are more. understandable. hahaha :D and i bet you noticed how high i am because of all my exclamation marks and hahahas and :D, right? this is what i'm thinking now: 既然已经把 5 chapters of bio 搞定了, 那 elit 一定难不倒我的! :D hahaha. i think i'm too over-confident. hahaha. but whatever. i'm just very glad that i can actually practise self-discipline and study half of bio in a day and still have time to study elit and the other half of bio before the exams! :D haha everyone knows i usually dont have self-discipline :D [refer to when i was studying for egeog] and the half of bio that i studied consisted of the harder chapters [to me], so it'll be much easier for me to study bio on monday :D be amazed at my time management! :D hahaha. yepp so today, i shall study elit. and tomorrow, after i come home from elit exam in school, i will finish up my bio and SLEEP! :D wahahaha. okay i'm too high le.

hmm so the only thing i'm worried about now is that i wont have enough time to finish my elit paper. why? because. i write super slow :D hahaha. and my brain works super slow during exams too. you must keep in mind that i'm not exam-smart. yeah, so basically i'm kinda stressed over my elit exam cos i'm scared that i will either blank-out, or just write super slowly and not have enough time to finish the paper. like my chem exam. gah okay forget it. thinking about my chem exam will make me un-high. so anyway, i'm just telling myself that i have to write super fast during the exam and not waste time digressing! did i mention how i digressed in my english and chinese and egeog and math and chem papers? hahaha. i'd be halfway writing a sentence or whatever, and then suddenly think about stupid stuff. like 'oh wow. i cant wait till end of exams. can go arcade!' and 'i wonder what my dad will get me for my birthday. lucky my birthday is after exams (:' and 'i hope jacq made good use of the notes i lent her. wonder if she has any problems doing her math paper...' and 'is green tea that nice? how come i seem to be hearing green tea everywhere? like wanjane who wants her bottled green tea and my dad who drinks green tea almost everyday.' haha tell me i am super pro please :D

yepp so for elit, i must not digress and must write super fast and must not waste time looking out of the window and must not blank-out :D even if i blank-out, at least write some reasonable crap which sounds nice for an essay :D haha okay i've spent half an hour on this post :D and i'm feeling sleepy :O oh no. crap. must not fall asleep while studying! :/ oh well. even if i do, heck. hahaha. its already like 看眼界 that i actually didnt fall asleep while studying bio and managed to study bio for almost the whole day and felt accomplished with what i had done. haha :D after exams, i MIGHT just start studying a few hours everyday, since studying for long periods of time makes me fall asleep. haha. see how self-disciplined i am? :D haha okay egoistic again. well, i better go and start studying elit. just need to read through the stuff. it cant be that hard, right? [i wish.]

NOOO. i fell asleep while studying elit yesterday -_- i feel extremely 失败 can. like. even reading the stupid character study also fall asleep. reading quotes also fall asleep. omg when can i NOT fall asleep? crap. and i dont think my lack of sleep is that bad okay. i've been taking afternoon naps ever since my exams started leh. how can it be that i still have such a bad lack of sleep? must just be my mind. my extremely lazy mind which refuses to continue studying and just wants to turn off. well, you lazy brain, i'm telling you that you are sooo dead if you turn off while studying bio today. you will be fried and eaten up for breakfast okay.

yeah okay so i have to make this post short. have to chiong bio after this. i didnt manage to do much of elit yesterday... *guilty conscience* :/ yeah i only read the front of the book and then read through the themes and tried memorising quotes [but not very successfully]. tomorrow, i shall read through the whole book quickly [and NOT fall asleep] and then read through all my notes and everything. at least elit isnt making me as stressed as bio, because even if i dont study, i think i still can pass. hopefully? haha :/ but yeah, even if i studied for elit, i'd still feel as if i didnt study, because i dont see much point in studying so much. the main things are just the themes, characters, and quotes, right? oh yah and the relationship between characters. so not much really. [haha okay i'm just trying to convince myself that its little so i wont conk out tomorrow when i start on it] so just read through the book, make sure i know whats going on, memorise some quotes, know each character, and perfecto. :D haha its not going to be so perfect tomorrow though. you know how i always fail at studying? well, yeah, i have a feeling i'm going to continue failing for quite a while.

wanted to wake up at 8am today. but as usual, the alarm rang, i turned it off, started thinking whether i should get up, decided not to because i was still tired, and went right back to sleep. :D i think i'm like ultimate pro-ness. haha. yeah so i woke up at 10am, cos my mum called me up. very good. at least i didnt sleep up to 2pm or what, and then wake up and go 'oh shit! so little time left to study!' yeah. so right now its almost 11.30am and i am planning to eat something, then start bio and chiong 5 chapters today. at least 5 chapters. and i need to study really really well this time. because i dont want to re-study everything again on monday. so yeah, tough work but i've got to do it. besides, 5 chapters a day doesnt sound too bad, does it? haha :D even if i take 2 hours for 1 chapter, should be able to finish bahh :D anw, i have an ulcer on my tongue, because i bit my tongue yesterday while eating an apple -_- the apple was to keep me awake. but it ended up giving me a stomachache, and an ulcer, and i still fell asleep after that. hahaha. i think i can be a sleeping queen already. hahaha okay thats dumb. lalala~ but i still think i sleep too much. WAY too much.

yeah okay so i better get to work. but before that, i want my cheesecake! :D and milo :D yumm. see you around! and if you have your exams too, stop reading this and go and study! tsktsk. 无聊没事做 then come my blog read is it? haha if thats the case, i think you're very dead. go and studyyy! haha like me :D but dont sleep so much like me horr. if you do, i wont be able to guarantee you anything.

lalala~ i am BORED. haha ok i'm too random. i shall make this post short, and then go and bathe right after that, to prevent myself from falling asleep and wasting time.

ok so today i had chem exam. anyway, in the morning, i was smsing sufyan and i found out that his exams are like 2 weeks away :D so can suan him :D his exams start on the same week that my exam ends. haha yay. very good. haha but i must tell chewlin and muni to jiayou! :D see i'm such a nice person. hmm yeah then for today's chem exam, i guess i can only say that 我真的对自己觉得非常失望, 内疚, 与愧愤. 这种因为自己有缺点, 使得内心惭愧不安的感觉, 真的很难受. 我也很久没有这种感觉了. 过了一段时间, 一定会忘记这件事的, 但是我曾经对自己有的愧疚, 应该是永远忘不了吧.

有时候, 真的很想就这样消失, 不用再面对自己的要求或痛恨, 也不用每天在大家面前假装快乐或什么都不管. 虽然说我其实可以在大家面前表达真正的感情, 不必假装, 但是这样应该只会更深地伤害别人吧. 所以, 就让我继续假装下去, 扮演那个每天都超开心的傻瓜, 就算有什么事情让我伤心, 我还是会继续笑着, 假装我一点都不在乎. 从今天开始, 我不只要在朋友们面前演, 连家里都要这样, 才不会再伤害别人, 也不会让别人因为我而烦恼. 至少这样会让我觉得更好过一点.



haha okay this post is taking longer than i had intended it too. i wonder why i always take so long to post. must be because i'm forever trying to sort out my incomprehensible thoughts. oh yes, by the way, please note that, while i am blogging, my words do not usually come out as i want them to. not like what i'm thinking at all. so, please do not take all my posts too seriously. and some are posted under blurry conditions. um. this one is a bit blurry. yeahh. haha :D the weirder it is, the more you shouldnt trust it. but i have to admit that its usually not too far from what i'm thinking at that time.

ok shit i feel like sleeping :/ crap. shall hurry up and finish this post. so after the exam today, me yiinghuey and crystal went to cwp and ate at pizzahut :D to celebrate because our first week of exams are overrr :D haha. we ate baked rice and shared criss-cross fries. :D i was super full after that. then we walked around cwp a bit and then went home. [i didnt want to go home, but they had to go, so yeah... i dont want to go home cos then i'll have to start studying ):] yeah so anyway, i really enjoyed lunch [even though my $10 flew away...] and it made me destress. sort of, anyway. a bit. i guess.

yepp so i need to go and bathe now. then must start studying elit after that. and i cannot sleep today! especially not while studying!!!



[STUDY REVIEW]
english literature 0/?
biology 0/10
social studies 0/5
additional mathematics 0/8
higher chinese 0/?

[EXAMS]
OK. english language paper I
OK. higher chinese language paper I
OK. elective geography
OK. english language paper II
OK. mathematics
OK. chemistry
english literature paper II
biology
social studies
additional mathematics
higher chinese language paper II
english literature paper I

COUNTDOWN TO END OF EOYS! :D
TOTAL NO. OF EXAMS: 12
COMPLETED: 6
EXAMS LEFT: 6 [yeah man. we're left with half of the exams only (:]
6 MORE EXAMS TILL END OF EOYS! :D

haha we only had 1 paper today, so i came back earlier, and then i 看 video 看到爽 :D when i'm supposed to be studying. as usual. feel so slack. but yeah, i came back earlier whatt. haha :D so have more time. anyway, i didnt manage to re-study math yesterday night cos i didnt have time, [i studied about a week ago, so i forgot most of it already, so have to re-study]. so i had to study on the train and bus today morning :/ but i actually managed to study finish lehh :D felt accomplished. and then i somemore lend my one-piece-of-paper notes to jacq. :D haha have all the formulas and stuff. yeah then i went to buy the bottled green tea for wanjane before i went to school and it was like super cold, and then it became super wet by the time i reached school. and when i reached school, i realised that sufyan had sent me 3 smses in a row :O whoa. haha. and i didnt realise them at all until i reached school lehh. crap. haha their exams in 2 weeks' time :D -幸灾乐祸- cos their exams start after ours end. brilliant. hmm. i hope there's a chalet this holidays :D i want to go!



oh yah. and after the exams, most probably me and crystal will do this exchange thing. she'll teach me piano and i'll teach her violin. the only thing i'm worried about is that my teaching skills aren't good :/ oh well. i guess we'll have to see how it goes.

and i'm going to promise myself now that i will NOT waste time after exams. yepp. so i have to start doing more meaningful stuff. haha shall copy and paste my after-exam plans here from my very-long-ago post :D
- study for theory exam
- read more chinese
- practise music more often
- study physics
- play basketball
- go swimming
- learn to write properly with my left hand
- finish reading the 9 books on my waiting list
- read the set of encyclopedias in my house
- clear out all my random stuff
- earn my own pocket money
- go on a shopping spree and get new clothes
- be busy everyday! :D with 正事 stuff.

ok. let's see. computer games will be restricted to... um... 5 hours a week. yepp. watching videos are ok :D hahahaha because i say so :D ok lah... um... watching videos restricted to... 7 hours a week when i still have school, and 14 hours a week when the holidays start. :O so little! D: haiz...

[fell asleep for about 1 hour+ and i realised that i often fall asleep while blogging ):]



haha and i've found a nice tv programme to watch. usually i dont watch tv, you see. because i just watch my videos on the internet. but anyway, yeah i'm going to watch tv every weekday le :D actually i wanted to watch the show very long ago, but i forgot about it, and anw i thought it would distract me from studying [which doesnt really matter, because i'm forever distracted anyway]

yeah so anyway tmr is chem exam and i'm still left with all the content-based stuff to study. haha :D especially stupid QA. so boringgg. and so much to memorise. i will just -knock out-. oh well. have theory lesson later. sianzz. do you know that i dont have violin & theory lesson next week? because of holiday. if only it was this week! because then i can start studying for elit and bio. i think i'm going to have to chiong studying for elit and bio. shit. how? ): i only have the weekends. 1 subject 1 day. is that even possible? or maybe i study a bit more of elit? i'm scared i'll use up too much time studying elit and no time to study bio. since elit exam is earlier. i guess i'll really have to chiong like shit. ok. tomorrow after chem exam, i can start studying elit. then saturday i study bio. and sunday i study elit. hmm. wonder if that'll work. then i have monday to study bio. so 2 days for each subject? hope it works out (: yeahh? then today must chiong chem. yepp :D gogogo! haha but i need to go and bathe first though. ^^'' and can study chem later during theory lesson :D see ya!



[STUDY REVIEW]
chemistry 9/13
english literature 0/?
biology 0/10
social studies 0/5
additional mathematics 0/8
higher chinese 0/?

[EXAMS]
OK. english language paper I
OK. higher chinese language paper I
OK. elective geography
OK. english language paper II
OK. mathematics
chemistry
english literature paper II
biology
social studies
additional mathematics
higher chinese language paper II
english literature paper I

COUNTDOWN TO END OF EOYS! :D
TOTAL NO. OF EXAMS: 12
COMPLETED: 5
EXAMS LEFT: 7
7 MORE EXAMS TILL END OF EOYS! :D

AHHHHH. someone HELP. yes its very good that i managed to pass grade 5 violin and i'm moving on to grade 6. BUT. GRADE 6 = 1 HOUR LESSON!!! like. WHAT?!?!?! ONE WHOLE HOUR?! omg I WILL DIE MAN. I WILL DIEEEE. i cant last an hour. 45 minutes are enough to kill me. and you want to add another extra 15 minutes? crap. shit. tell me you're kidding. please. i beg you. SOMEONE TELL ME THAT THIS IS A NIGHTMARE. crapcrapcrap. HOW?! and i need to take lessons for another year. or, to be more accurate, about 3/4 a year i think. yeah. but its still enough to kill me. this is NUTS. and then i started thinking about the piano lessons that my dad agreed to after my exams. hmm. maybe i should start checking :D but like. piano lesson + 1 hour of violin lesson + theory ALL IN A WEEK?! :O i will DIE. haha lucky my theory lesson is only until october. but october might be a bad month for me this year. see. piano lessons: after exams. exams end in october. so most probably i'll be starting lessons in october i guess. and then my violin teacher wants to upgrade me by october. so probably starting october, i'm grade 6 = 1 hour of violin lesson. and then theory exam is in november, so theory lessons will be until the end of october. so, if my calculations are correct, OCTOBER THIS YEAR = PIANO LESSON + 1 HOUR VIOLIN LESSON + THEORY LESSON = MY DEATH. haha. ok maybe a bit too 夸张, but yeah, you get the point right.

well, for the earlier part of today, i reached home and used the computer. then i fell asleep for about half an hour, woke up and looked around and stoned and wondered what i was doing, then went back to sleep for about another half hour :D shows that i cant get work done in the early afternoon. and especially not when i'm super tired after coming back from school. didnt do anything much in the afternoon. after i woke up, i went to bathe, then practised my violin. then quickly packed up to go for violin lesson. violin lesson was quite ok today. which was a huge relief, because last week's one didnt go well, and i was wondering if this week's one would be worse, since i was busy with studying for exams [not really actually] and had lesser time to practise. no violin lesson next week! :D yeah man. and i think there's no theory lesson next week either. woots :D haha i'm happy because, for violin lesson, its very tiring and takes up a lot of energy and i dont like it if the lesson doesnt go well. for theory, its very boring and we dont do anything much, so theres not much point in going. for both, its because i can save my time, energy, and money. yepp. and i cant wait to have piano lessons :D

i just had a stomachache :/ crap. i hope i'll be ok tomorrow. i think i better start jogging around the house more. haha. not like i have any other place to jog right. if i dont exercise, i'm just going to feel extremely bloated. or maybe tomorrow's math test will help use up my brain juices. hope it does. :D then i'll use up more energy and my stomach will digest more food. yay.

and i realised why i dont feel as depressed as others when i do badly in a test. i mean, yes, i feel depressed because i didnt get full marks and feel guilty of disappointing [i need to find another word to use. its boring using the same word.] my parents and all that, but i wont be affected as much as others. because. i didnt even work hard. haha :D so i cant say that 'i'm depressed cos i worked so hard yet i did so badly'. so, in fact, i have no reason at all to be depressed, since i hardly even worked hard to achieve good results. thus, you see why i adopt a heck-care attitude with anything concerning results or marks or grades. (:

better go study some math. i need to re-study it, in case. my 搞定 only refers to notes. hahaha :D

not gonna attempt to blog in chinese today. 百分之八 chance that i will fall asleep if i do so. its so tiring and everything :/ crap. ): but i have to admit that its an accomplishment to blog in chinese for me. because i'd look at my finally-done blogpost and be like. whoa. i can actually type in chinese. haha. yeah..

had to chiong my egeog yesterday night. slept at 12.30am. not bad, really. i wanted to sleep at 10pm, but since i wasted so much time in the afternoon, i only started studying around evening time. then i had dinner and talked to my mum for very long about crap :D so i properly started studying around... 8pm? yeah about there i think. and talking to my mum is not called waste time (: got difference de. talking to someone helps you to destress. but if you spend your time typing long crappy blogposts, thats a different thing altogether. yeah and it was amazing that i actually didnt fall asleep while studying :O i think thats one of my rare keep-wide-awake-while-studying moments. haha. i only yawned once, and that was around 12am i think :D pro, right? but my eyes were very tired ever since 9pm+, so whenever my eyes were so tired it was hard to concentrate, i would close my eyes and count. either to 20, 30, or 60. and then i'd feel much better. at first, it took about 20 mins or so before my eyes felt tired again. but nearing the end... from around 11pm onwards, my eyes became tired every few mins after i did that. well, at least it did help quite a lot lah. (: felt accomplished when i finally finished studying everything at 12.30am, even though i couldnt remember some stuff, but i just told myself that i'd go through everything again the next morning. which was exactly what i did :D



went to school the usual early time, and studied on the mrt and bus. managed to scan through everything, especially the main points. when i reached school, i went to find wanjane to return her notes. then egeog exam was... um... i dunno. easy and straightforward but i screwed up? haha. really badly. then the last part i had to chiong because not much time left :/ oops. but. i think can pass lah. haha. :O my expectations so low. everything can pass then can le. feel so 失败. haha. ok whatever. yepp then we had break, and then went back to class for english exam. english exam was... the usual? yeah. took a long long time to do summary and i think i exceeded the word limit. was summarizing the first half slowly, then i heard 10 more mins or something, so i quickly wrote it out in ink, causing me to summarize the second half without much replacement of words :/ oh well. this one i'm not sure if i can pass, but heck. its overrr! :D anyway, even if i cant pass, i dont want to know now. you can tell me when i get back my exam results (: yepp then after exams i had a headache for a while. not the usual terrible one. just a normal headache i think. yeah.

was supposed to eat lunch in school, but i was feeling full so i bought something to eat on the way home. and these few days i've been feeling kind of bloated, so i'm not eating much. i have that kind of extremely-full-stomach and feel-like-vomiting feeling. haha. lucky i didnt vomit, though i was quite close to doing so. twice. i have no idea why i still eat so much even though i'm feeling full. must be out of habit. oh well.

went home today and my dad was at home! :D i knew it before i stepped into the house because his shoes were outside. but its too bad that just as i arrived home, he was preparing to go out. ): but he bought chocolate cookies :D one kind is the usual cookie shape but it was salty with chocolate, and its really nice. the other kind is a tiny piece of chocolate in a tiny cupcake thingy and it has nuts inside and on top of it. yum :D and gahh i havent done any exercise for a long time, because of the stupid exams. ok wait. i shall go and exercise for a bit. -off to exercise- hmm. a bit better i suppose. haha. just stretched and jogged for a bit. hmm. or i can just use up my brain juices later on when i start studying. it'll make me hungry because i need food to think :D so if i'm hungry, means my stomach is empty. yay very good. haiz. later have violin lesson. sian... and i realised that, even if i blog in english, i still feel like sleeping! haha. maybe i'll sleep for a while later.



[STUDY REVIEW]
mathematics 搞定
chemistry 9/13
english literature 0/?
biology 0/10
social studies 0/5
additional mathematics 0/8
higher chinese 0/?

[EXAMS]
OK. english language paper I
OK. higher chinese language paper I
OK. elective geography
OK. english language paper II
mathematics
chemistry
english literature paper II
biology
social studies
additional mathematics
higher chinese language paper II
english literature paper I

COUNTDOWN TO END OF EOYS! :D
TOTAL NO. OF EXAMS: 12
COMPLETED: 4
EXAMS LEFT: 8
8 MORE EXAMS TILL END OF EOYS! :D

昨天浪费了这么多时间写废话，没有把我的nat veg完成. ): 可是有学到大概一半吧. 今天要快点学完egeog, 不然我明天就死定了. 啊. 还有, 我昨天废话一堆, 还在那里哭着脸[还满不好意思说], 结果今天起床时, 发现眼睛都不可以好好地睁开. 好险眼睛不是红色或什么的, 所以后来被我妈问, 就说我不知道, 今天起床就已经这样了.

因为这是考试时段, 所以我收到了很多sms, 说什么要传给１０个人, 考试就会顺利. 好像是每次有考试都会受到这些smses. 我先说好吧, 这些东西我统统不相信, 因为你考试跟sms到底有什么关系吗! 而且, 你要考得好成绩, 不如用功学习, 干吗在那里浪费时间传sms呢? 真是麻烦死了. 而且, 我也不相信什么‘好运’之类的. 所以呢, 请你们不要祝我好运或'good luck'或什么的. 你祝我好运, 不就等于希望我的运气好, 所以考试时我才会作答吗? 那如果运气不好, 我在考试上就不及格了, 不是吗? 考试上要考好成绩的话, 就用你的脑袋, 不要在那里希望自己的运气好. 这样, 就算你的运气不好, 你也会考得好成绩的. 而且, 运气跟考试是无关的啦. 如果你只是因为运气好而考得好成绩, 觉得很快乐, 那你就是在自欺欺人.



今天是我们第一天的考试, 考的是英文与华文作文. 哇塞. 只是第一天, 每个人就紧张得要命. 我看啊, 明天一定更惨了. 早上时, 每个人都在和朋友复习英文与华文实用文的格式, 吵死了. 而且, 这只是格式而已耶! 明天真的惨了. 我最讨厌每个人都在闹嚷嚷的, 真是吵死人. 连一个安静的地方都难找. 如果你有乖乖地学习, 那干吗还要在最后一分钟复习呢? 你应该很有自信的嘛. 应该是像我这些, 在最后一分钟学习的人, 才应该紧张起来吧. 怎么我都不觉得紧张, 你们却都在那里利用最后一分一秒去温习你们所学的东西啊? 要说大开眼界也不能, 因为我在这学校里3年了, 见多了, 所以很熟悉. 但是还是很让人觉得烦恼. 你们能不能不要那么吵?!

而且我今天带了词典到学校, 真的超重的可以吗. 其实我有电脑词典啦, 但是怕它突然间坏掉嘛. 考试卷都还好的啦, 像平常我们拿到的题目, 所以都满ok的吧. 哈哈可是我的ok等于应该是刚刚及格吧. 还有啊, 考完卷子了我就觉得很累, 超想去睡觉耶. 现在也觉得满累, 但是我需要开始读书, 不应该睡觉的. 真得很想练我的吉他. [这个时候, 写作者很想睡觉, 所以在椅子上睡着了.]



[刚刚醒来] O: 我真得太爱睡觉了吧! 连这样也可以睡着. 竟然已经5点了. 我睡多久啊? 大概一个小时左右吧... 惨了. 都还没有学egeog. 还是快点去念书吧. 至少我睡觉了, 现在不再那么累, 有精神念书哦. :D 还有, 谢谢你wanjane, 你的notes真得很棒, 可以很容易地学东西. 可是你的树怎么画成怪怪的? 我的艺术朋友看到了, 还以为是alveoli呢! 哈哈. 而且她说可以帮你画一个更好看的树! [没有恶意哦.] (: 念书咯!



[哦. 对了. 差点忘记了.]

[STUDY REVIEW]
elective geography 1.8/5 [真的是1.8哦]
english 0/?
mathematics 搞定
chemistry 9/13
english literature 0/?
biology 0/10
social studies 0/5
additional mathematics 0/8
higher chinese 0/?

[EXAMS]
OK. english language paper I
OK. higher chinese language paper I
elective geography
english language paper II
mathematics
chemistry
english literature paper II
biology
social studies
additional mathematics
higher chinese language paper II
english literature paper I

COUNTDOWN TO END OF EOYS! :D
TOTAL NO. OF EXAMS: 12
COMPLETED: 2
EXAMS LEFT: 10
10 MORE EXAMS TILL END OF EOYS! :D

yes i know i should be here. i havent finished nat veg!!!
this is what i told myself in the afternoon:
一定行的! nat veg这种这么容易的topic, 不行才怪. 而且，三个小时，一个小时读一个chapter, 百分白够时间啦. 不用担心, 你做得到的!
AND I STILL HAVENT 搞定 NAT VEG!!! D: CRAP.

ate my dinner early, then spent a lot a lot of time copying quotes into my student diary [FOR FUN!!! WHEN I SHOULD BE STUDYING] and then i went to read wanjane's blog and had a long time reading the chinese and trying to learn new words. haha see i so guai :D haha ok wait. need to 发气...

note to myself: OI YOU LOUSY LANDIAO PERSON! SAY YOU WANT TO FINISH NAT VEG BY TODAY THEN WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW? BLOGGING! THAT IS SO IRRESPONSIBLE AND SLACK OF YOU! STOP SLACKING AND GO FINISH YOUR NAT VEG QUICKLY!!! YOU STILL HAVE ABOUT 1 MORE HOUR BEFORE YOU NEED TO GO SLEEP! USE IT WISELY AND DONT BLOG! AND YOU BETTER GO AND READ UP ON YOUR ENGLISH AND CHINESE LETTER WRITING FORMAT TOO! AND TOMORROW YOU BETTER 给我好好做考试! 不准睡觉!!! 也不准不及格!!!



ok much better. anyway, [credits to wanjane's blog] i started thinking about my friends and stuff. and wanjane if you're reading this, crap you cos your blog is like so damn substantial. haha. ok no i'm kidding. anyway, yeah i started thinking about how i treat my friends and stuff, so.

i know a lot of my friends care about me, and i know a lot don't. but i just want to tell those people who care about me to like. just stop caring about me. do you know sometimes it really sucks to see that you actually care? because you know [and i know] that i dont care. you know how my character is like. if you're nice to me, i wont repay you or anything or whatever. well, i am nice to some people, but usually i'm not. so, what i'm trying to say is, yeah sometimes i just dont want you all to care about me okay? when you first know me, i guess you usually think i'm quite an okay person [ok some egoism here :/]. or whatever you think of me, i'm probably not that kind of person, ok? i'm not friendly or nice or guai or whatever that you think i'm like. first impression is not a good way to judge who people really are. and i can tell you honestly that your first impression of me is probably 80% wrong. so i really really hope that some people can stop bothering about me.

its not that i dont want friends. but personally, i feel that i'm a very mean and selfish and slack person who probably does not deserve your friendship. and i know you are already being hurt by me everyday. i can see with my own eyes, i'm not blind. so can you just stop hurting yourself? being friends with me will only make you even more hurt because i admit that i'm very selfish. and the kind who, when i'm thinking about myself, doesnt think about others. well, seldom anyway. and that sucks because even if you're thinking about me and want to help me, i'm not doing the same. its just not right. you're being nice to me when i'm mean to you. thats not fair to you. i can see how i'm hurting you so often, and i know myself best. you probably dont know that i've tried avoiding you before. just leave me alone and dont be my friend, ok? its not worth it being friends with me. and i'll admit that you're not the only person i've been trying to avoid recently. i've been trying to avoid a lot of people. they just dont know. sometimes i wish all of you weren't so innocent and nice and kind. because then you cant see how i'm hurting you. can you just be mean for once and ignore me?

and i also want to say that, [i said this before sometime very long ago] besides being selfish, i'm very jealous and greedy too. i think that i just try not to show it. the selfish, greedy and jealous side of me. so not many people know either. i think i'm a very evil person. so maybe its better if you stay further away from me. let me give you examples. selfish: when i know the answer to a question, i dont teach others. [oh wait. i dont think that ever happened before. hmm.] or like. when i have something. i dont share it with others. greedy: when i see that others have nice things, i want them too. very badly. if you offer me something, i might just take one, but inside me, i'm wanting the whole box. jealous: when i see that someone is better than me, i'll dislike the person. not always though. its just. sometimes. i dunno. i'll be very jealous of the person and even though i dont say it out loud, i know that i'm doing something wrong. and i cant be jealous of someone just because they're better than me.

but do you know how hard it is to NOT be jealous of so many people? like how they have better parents, better siblings, people who love them, a loving family, friends who care about them, good grades, and the fact that they're happy everyday. it just sucks to know that there are people out there who are living their lives so happily. and that they dont need to be jealous of anyone. [ok shit i need a tissue. but you're not supposed to know that.]

it sucks because when i think of my own life, all i know is that my parents are quarreling everyday, jan doesnt love me at all [in fact, he probably hardly even knows that i exist], the only people who love me are probably my parents only, but i dont love them back [is that my problem?], and my family is just chaos all over because everyday people are quarreling and shouting at each other and we never go out together as a family anymore, and i have friends who dont care about me, and i dont want friends to care about me anyway because i'll hurt them in the end, and how my parents always see my results and are never satisfied, how they never praise me or buy me anything even when i do really well. [like how they expect me to score even better than jan. like when i used to get 100 straight in fuchun and they took it as 理所当然 and if i got 90+, they would start scolding me for losing marks, and then they would dig out jan's books and get me to read his work and learn from it. and when i got into rosyth and did even worse, and they didnt even want to sign my report card when they saw my results, because they still expect me to get good marks. and when i got my psle result back and they saw it and asked me 'shouldnt you be doing better than your brother?' and when i got into st nicks and got better grades, but they still weren't satisfied, because they said that i didnt even get into raffles, and i'm in st nicks so i should be one of the top few in my school, and every time they look at my results now, they just dont say anything anymore, which is even worse than if they scold me.] it just sucks okay. it just sucks really really bad.

and you know what? the only reason that i'm studying is because i dont want to disappoint my parents. but i'm ending up disappointing them every single time they see my results, so now i dont show them my results as often as before. if i get back a test paper, it just gets dumped into my file, together with the guilt of yet again disappointing my parents. and do you know how it sucks having a sibling who is smart? because everyone expects you to be as good as him, if not better. what is with people and their expectations? can they just, for once, stop comparing me to jan? i hate it when people do that. what do you want me to do? say 'sorry i didnt do as well as jan. i'll try harder next time to be as smart as him'?

and when i got into rosyth, my mum was telling everyone that her daughter got into gep. well, whatever. thats a fact, so i'm ok with it. but then after that when i got into st nicks and didnt get triple science as my subject combination, she actually told my aunt that i got triple science. what is the problem with people and their pride or whatever? am i that embarrassing to you because i didnt get into triple science? and every time i talk about my friends, my mum will ask 'your friend smart anot?' or 'is she smarter than you?' or 'did she do well for her chinese?' or whatever other questions of that sort. and then because i dont want to answer her question, i'll just give a vague 'ok lah.' and then she'll start telling me that i have to mix with smarter people and make more friends who are smarter than me. wtf is her problem??? its not like she's very smart or what. i wish she would just stop it. if everyone thought like her, no one would have friends, because everyone would only befriend people who were smarter than them, and the smarter people would only befriend poeple smarter than them. thats just the stupidest way of thinking that i've ever heard.

i just wish that my family was a bit more normal. not with a mum who cares so much about results, or a sibling who hardly even talks to me, or a dad who is almost never at home. just a normal family who communicates to each other by talking, not shouting. is that a lot to ask for? but then again, 'we never reflect how pleasant it is to ask for nothing.' - seneca. so maybe i shouldnt ask for anything else and just be happy with my family? i dont know. if you want me to do that, i can honestly say that i might take more than a lifetime to do so. so.... :/



yeah i guess i better stop here for now. my aunt just called =.= hellooo i just wanted to go and chiong my egeog. ok better chiong now. maybe half an hour or so? then my letter writing can leave to tmr on the train or something. very good. hope i can finish a reasonable amount of egeog today. 加油! :D

唉... 我真的觉得好失败. 昨天学了一整天，结果什么都没学到. 这样还不叫失败才怪. 我看我应该是发疯了吧. 所以今天早上, 钟声一响, 我既然听到了, 还起床了耶! 真不可思议. 而且, 今天整天都好high. 每个人都在那里拼命地学习, 我还在那里跟朋友说我很闷. 我的朋友叫我学egeog, 我还告诉她我没有心情学. 哈哈. 一定是疯掉了.

喔. 对了,我在写华文因为我想多练我的华文 :D

今天放学后就马上赶回家读书. 到家了已经很累, 原本想练我的小提琴和吉他, 但看来我应该没时间练了吧.可是我真的很想练吉他, 因为好久好久没有碰它了. ):

而且, 我原本的心情非常好, 所以想直接读完我的egeog - nat veg的. 但是呢, 都被我讨厌的哥哥搞杂了. 都不想认他为哥哥了. 以后, 英文就叫他jan, 华文就叫他建林. 他的考试都完了, 这么轻松而有空, 但叫他做一点小事都不肯! 气死我了. 我真得受不了他那超级差的态度. 我只是叫他帮我install一个anti-virus, 因为我们之前的anti-virus过期了. [因该不叫过期吧] 这种事情很难吗? 而且, 他是computer genius的种类耶! 他不只是懒惰鬼, 而且态度非常差! 恨死他了. 害我需要自己install, 多浪费我的时间啊!

其实我已经计划好了, 要用三个小时完成nat veg, 然后吃晚饭, 然后开始学英文和华文的公函格式, 然后多读一点华文, 然后就能在准准10点去睡觉. 看吧, 现在我的计划都被他搞杂了. 我必须要在很早的时间睡觉的. 不然, 明天的考试, 我就完蛋了. 还记得我去年的考试, 好像有一个考试上睡着了. 其实想说谁1分钟而已, 然后继续写, 但却睡了整整5分钟, 醒来后就很怕没时间完成考试, 赶快继续作答. 所以呢, 如果很迟才去睡觉, 一定完蛋的. 现在我的计划被搞杂了, 不知道该怎么办. 不知道还能不能准时读完我的书? 唉...

还是快点去读书，不要在这里浪费我珍贵的时间吧.

omg. i really 疯掉 already! why am i blogging 3 times a day? when i should be studying? *sigh* i'm hopeless already lahh. haha. here's what i've completed so far: [in order of which exams come first]

english 0/?
higher chinese 0/?
elective geography 0/5
mathematics 搞定
chemistry 9/13
english literature 0/?
biology 0/10
social studies 0/5
additional mathematics 0/8

conclusion: i've only touched 2 subjects. :D i've done egeog notes, but thats not studying, you see.

i think i'm getting worse and worse as time passes. haiz. i cant remember what its like to work hard any longer. well, not for school, at least. hmm. how to chiong so many subjects? *sigh* oh well. i remember how i tried to cramp all the 3 sciences in a day. didnt work. but now that there's only one science, maybe it'll be a bit better? haha. [fat hope. my bio is hopeless.]

someone help! must inspire and motivate me to work hard. haha. like real. no one can motivate me lor. -sian diao- shall try to study again. must stop listening to music and humming tunes and whatever. if i dont concentrate, i shall slap myself. blogging here = not concentrating. *slaps myself* :O not hard enough. crap. haha. ok nevermind. later if i start digressing from my study materials, i shall slap myself harderrr :D hope this method will work? haha. maybe i'll call wanjane after all. since i'm so sian. i can ask her to teach me egeog :D hahaha. and i better see sufyan on the train tmr lahh. i need someone to talk crap to. before i become totally 疯掉 like mx. 哇靠. and i'm like so not-sleepy at all but my eyes are bloody tired. crap. -off to TRY to study-

i am getting VERY STRESSED.

i havent studied finish the stupid rivers. HOW? that means i'll have to chiong tomorrow and tuesday D: or maybe i can chiong a bit later. HOW IN THE WORLD CAN RIVERS, WHICH CONSISTS OF ONLY 1 CHAPTER, BE HARDER THAN NAT VEG, WHICH CONSISTS OF 3 CHAPTERS? now i think our teacher really sot diao already. this is IMPOSSIBLE!!! 不可能! 绝对不可能!!! crap. ok i think i'm very 激动 now. crap. but i really cant stand it. RIVERS IS KILLING ME. BUT ITS NOT THE CHAPTER. its the lessons that i dont learn anything from and get even more confused. crap. and my friend from another class actually told me that rivers is easier than nat veg. i was like :O WHAT?! and did you know that i didnt know that rivers only consisted of 1 PATHETIC CHAPTER? OMG WHY DIDNT SOMEONE TELL ME EARLIER?! only knew when wanyee told me. thanks a lot wanyee, you saved my life, if not i would have wasted probably 2 days studying rivers. which is stupid. i wish our teacher didnt make rivers seem like such a huge and complicated topic. because. IT ISNT. its just ONE PATHETIC CHAPTER. how can that be killing me? crap. oops sorry that was contradictory to my earlier statement. but whateverrrr. someone just help me out with rivers PLEASE. at this rate, I WILL DIE.

and my mum just realised that the exams i'm studying for is my END-OF-YEAR EXAMS. haha so funny. she thought it was my term 3 exams. hahaha. and the past few days she's been asking me why i take so long to study 1 subject. well, 1) excuse me, its EOYs. 2) its because i have NO IDEA what i am studying. 3) i cant concentrate and spend most of my time using the laptop instead. but you're not supposed to know that (:

and i wanted to call wanjane to ask her about the stupid rivers. too stressed already, so i need someone to talk to. just now when lynette called me, i wasted a lot of her time by crapping how crappy the stupid rivers are. haha oops SORRY LYNETTE! but anyway, i dont dare to call wanjane because i'm scared that she will start crapping about her idol. hahaha. because i already so stressed here, then if she tells me about her idol, i think i will 疯掉. [haha. wanjane if you're reading this, sorry!] so yeah... and she 爽 lor cos her exams are over. [ok actually no i dont think so. still have o levels mah.] i'm here studying like shit [actually, no i'm not] and feeling stressed because i dont understand anything and i dont feel like understanding anything. HOW? haha deciding whether i should call her or not. but i think better not lah. haha. i shall try and chiong this stupid thing on my own and stop disturbing other people. i can do this man. must just concentrate and stop listening to my songs [they're distracting because i sing along with them :D] and study in peaceful silence.

note to myself: COME ON YOU CAN DO IT! MUST NOT 放弃 BECAUSE OF ONE PATHETIC CHAPTER! JUST GET IT OVER WITH. AND AFTER EGEOG EXAM, YOU'LL BE FREE FROM EGEOG! :D VERY GOOD. 加油!!! [although you still have to chiong for bio after you're done with egeog. haha =P]



[i shall try to motivate myself with quotes :D]

"It matters if you just don't give up."
--Stephen Hawking--

"There are certain emotions that will kill your drive; frustration and confusion. You can change these to a positive force. Frustration means you are on the verge of a breakthrough. Confusion can mean you are about to learn something. Expect the breakthrough and expect to learn."
--Kathleen Spike, Master Certified Coach--

"Determine that the thing can and shall be done, and then we shall find the way."
--Abraham Lincoln--

[tag reply]

wanjane: haha. cant imagine you listening to linkin park music. very weird. haha. ok lahh fine lor i'll stop being so emo. you arh.. worse than me right. haha.



i think my apology yesterday was quite crappy and nonsensical. so, to be more... um... not-so-nonsensical?... i'll summarise everything into: i'm sorry and dont be angry at me, ok? (: and we can continue crapping and everything, yeah? :D and btw, if you're trying to pretend that all this never happened, i have to say that your acting skills are superb! really. haha.



ok so i didnt wake up in a very good mood today :/ because when i woke up, my parents were quarreling about some random thing, and then the subject turned to us and how spoilt we were. so yeah, waking up in the morning and hearing all this quarreling about us, that definitely didnt feel very good. and my mum's having mood swings again. she was angry at me in the morning [because she was quarreling with my dad about how spoilt we were], and then just now she was nice to me, but now she's complaining about me again. can she STOP her mood swings? crap.

i shall wholeheartedly agree that, yes, i am spoilt. i'm a spoilt kid who doesnt like doing housework and everything. but i also have to say that, i feel that my mum spoilt me when i was younger, so thats why i'm like that now. shan't go into the details, but yeah, i know my mum loves us so thats why she let us have our way, and keep doing things for us. but you have to know that jan is 超级 worse than me. his character is like... 'mum, my pencil box spoil already', 'i need a new pen', 'i'm running out of foolscap', 'my bag has a hole in it', and his recent 'i put the keys to the padlock of my locker inside my locker, so i had to break it open, and i need a new padlock' and then his expects my mum to buy everything for him. and if she buys something wrongly, he'll go 'why you buy this type? not this kind lah. the .... type.' like wth? but whatever. yes, i'm a spoilt kid. big deal. its not that i dont know how to do stuff, i'm just too lazy to do them.



gahh. right now, 我真得很没有心情做事!!! feeling angry and sad and confused and hopeless. and like. i just seem so 没有希望了. tell me whats the point of studying. 它毁了我的人生 okay? crap. and whats with everyone's expectations and everything? i know some of my friends want to study hard and everything, so that they can get into good jcs and universities and go overseas or something. but like. WHATEVER OKAY. can you all just stop it? there are actually people out there who DO NOT want to study anymore and just want to give up school. stop telling me what jc you want to go to. i DO NOT care okay. and the only reason i want to go to a certain jc, is because my friends are there. not because of anything else. not because i want to study hard and get into university or whatever. i just dont want to study. is that so hard to understand? and by the way, my school sooo does not have a conducive studying environment. do you know how hard it is to find a QUIET place in the school and just NOT hear people talking and shouting and screaming their heads off? sometimes, i dont even understand how my school is considered a good school.

and anyway, i want to learn my own stuff. i dont want to take lessons. especially not in school. do you know that taking lessons for things actually makes me start hating it? like right now, i hate all the subjects i take in school, and playing the violin, and theory. how do you explain that? ok -pause- fine. i'm just crapping like some idiot right now because i am damn pissed at studying and i am in absolutely NO MOOD TO STUDY. what do expect me to do? forcing me to read stuff isnt going to work. i can read the same sentence a thousand times and not take in anything, if i dont feel like it. so what now? i have no idea how to motivate myself to study either. its almost impossible to motivate myself to do anything, actually. i only feel inspired to do stuff when i want to. and right now i dont. crapcrapcrapcrapcrap.

its just that. i miss my life when i was younger. when i didnt have to care about my results and lessons and school and everything. and how you actually HAVE a life and you talk to your friends everyday and stuff. i guess you could say i even miss people bullying me. at least i'm not invisible to them. i remember that in primary 2, i started actually understanding the world. like when someone tore my chinese textbook, and i didnt know who. [probably someone who was 不爽 with me. i know i managed to 惹 quite a few people. haha :D because i was 不爽 with them anyway.] and my teacher actually asked my mum if it was possible that I tore my own textbook. and another incident where my friends actually asked me to get lost because they wanted to share a secret. haha. dumb, right? yeah but, at least people noticed that i existed then.



oh man. i dunno why i'm crapping so much these few days. must be because i read someone's blog and its so meaningful and suddenly everything i say seem to be just nonsense. which it is, by the way. -STOPS CRAPPING- um ok. so basically i shall try and study egeog today and stop studying chem [i only do that because its easier to study than egeog] and must force myself to study!!! and even if i cant, i still have to do it, so whatever. and i MUST start on rivers soon. its such a huge topic. must not waste my time on stupid nat veg. which i havent studied yet anyway. arghh ok so today i shall FINISH rivers. ok? yes i will. even if cannot, i'll find a way to. must stop wasting my time. i only have today, monday and tuesday to study for egeog. 1 day 1 topic. very good. today - rivers. monday - nat veg. tuesday - coasts. OK 搞定. START STUDYING!!!



"There is nothing to fear except fear itself." - from A Wrinkle In Time

[tag reply]

wanjane: WHOA. really ah? you dont look like the type who will listen to linkin park! hahaha. but yeah, this song rocks! :D and i didnt want to change my blog song at first, because i wanted to change it together with my blogskin. but since i dont have time to change my blogskin, decided to just change the song first.



crap. i wish someone would stop being so emo all the time. you know i read your post then i feel damn sad? and the thing is, i dont know if you're talking about me or someone else. do you know how annoying it is when i dont know if that person you're referring to is me or not? so then i dont know whether to feel angry at myself or not.

but if you're talking about me, then i am really extremely sorry. i dont know if you'll accept this apology but i'm really sorry for making you so emo and sad and everything. i didnt know that it'd affect you that badly. and i can say that my 'sorry's are usually just said for the sake of saying, but this time, its really from the bottom of my heart.

i wanted to say a lot of things just now, but now my mind is like blank-out and i really dont know how to apologise to you. its just that. my crapping was because i was feeling quite sadistic at that time. i dont take back my words, and i wont take them back this time, but i can promise that, i will never treat our friendship that way. or like whatever crap i mentioned. and if you feel like i'm distancing myself from others, yes i guess i am, but definitely not from you. and i'm sorry i hardly ever talk to you. its not that i dont want to talk to you more often, but i feel like i'm disturbing your life. because your life seems to be filled with so many people, so sometimes i'll wonder if i'm your friend at all. and because i hardly seem to know you at all. i realised that i dont know a lot of things about you. that way, can i still be your friend?

and please stop being so emo, ok? you have no idea how 心痛 i am when i see you so emo. and do you know that you wasted about 2 hours of my time! reading your post over and over again and replying. i'm supposed to be studying leh! haha kidding lah. its worth it to me. not like i can concentrate on studying anyway.

or maybe you're not even talking about me. so maybe its just my mistake. if that's the case, then i guess i thought too highly of myself. but even if you're not talking about me, i still hope that you'll stop being so emo, because i'll still feel sad for you if you're so upset over something. but its good that you can recover quickly, yeah? (:



haiz. this is one of the few times i'm so upset over someone else's blogpost. only happened once before, i think. and i remember that incident very clearly too. which reminds me of my friend now... wonder how she's doing? quite upset that i havent been talking to a lot of my old friends. i really want to talk to them sometimes, but its just that, i dont know how to... i guess i'm more of the invisible kind in class that people hardly notice. so it feels weird talking to people who probably never noticed me anyway. its alright, my existence in this world is ignored by a lot of people anyway, and i've been used to it ever since i've learnt the way the world works. which was sometime in primary 2 i think. ever since i experienced what people can be like.

feeling very emo now. was quite pissed earlier today, at jan and my mum. jan annoyed me the way he always does and i had a pissed face when i opened the door for my mum, so naturally, she was pissed at me for giving her that kind of look. my mum is extremely annoying too. its not like i was pissed at her! and i told her that and tried to explain, but she totally ignored me and asked me to keep quiet and went on rambling about how i wouldnt even do a simple thing as opening the door for her. and then when i was going to call my dad up because his phone was ringing, my mum scolded me and told me not to, and said that i will call my dad up, but wont even open the door for her. ITS NOT LIKE THAT OK. i told you, THAT'S NOT THE POINT. and if you wont even listen to me, please DO NOT accuse me of doing things that i did not do. she was angry at me at first, then her anger faded off when my dad woke up [i dont know if it was just a pretense. it felt like one, anyway], and then she got angry at me again when i annoyed her with the clothes which i hadnt brought in [by that time, my dad had gone out], and then her anger subsided again. this mood swing thing is getting irritating.

and all this trouble with my mum further emphasized my point that jan is the cause of all trouble. if he had just opened the door for my mum, everything would be so different. HELLO. HE WAS STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO THE DOOR, AND WHEN MY MUM KNOCKED ON IT AND I ASKED HIM TO OPEN THE DOOR, HE PURPOSELY TURNED OFF THE TV THAT HE WAS WATCHING, AND WALKED INTO THE ROOM. WHAT KIND OF ATTITUDE IS THAT? and there's so many more examples, they're unlimited. i really cant wait for him to go for ns. and then, overseas. the further away, the better. the more he's tortured, the better. if he dies, i'd be happy for him. the sooner, the better. and if he dies, i wouldnt drop a tear for him. i wouldnt.

and i think my mum doesnt believe it. she doesnt believe that jan is that terrible. no one believes me. well, whatever. heck. just go on nagging at me. yes, i'm so temperamental, i have a huge problem, everything's my fault. fine with me. you know why i love my dad more than i love my mum? because my dad doesnt nag. my dad doesnt go on about me every single day. my dad doesnt come to conclusions without first understanding the situation. my dad listens to my explanations. my dad loves me in a different way. yes, i know my mum loves me to, and probably more. but can she please just express her love differently? nagging is definitely NOT a good way to do so.

PLUS, i hardly did anything today. doesnt studying 3 chapters of chem count as anything? i spent the afternoon studying and eating and doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, and the whole night reading blogposts and blogging and reading more blogposts. and that person who was so emo, i tell you arh, you wasted my whole night lehh. because i read your blog, then i blogged, then while i was blogging i thought of my friend's blog, and i went to read her blog, then i clicked the links and read a lot a lot of other people's blogs. haha i'm so landiao right? now no time to study le. wasted my day just like that. hate myself for wasting time. but then again, now i dont feel motivated to study anymore. i just had a really bad day, and i dont feel like studying or talking to jan ever again or practising my violin [anyhow played it today] or working hard. and i have the feeling that this might continue until tomorrow, unless someone talks to me soon. and just to let that person know, if you want me to count the number of friends i have who i really treasure, i can count them in one hand, but you're definitely one of them. i promise.



when i want my life to rock, the world rocks along with it. but when my life sucks, the whole world just comes tumbling down and starts mocking me with one thing after another. its one of the ways the world works. right now, i'm upset about my friends, angry at my family, not motivated to study or practise violin, and my eyes hurt from tearing and staring at the computer for too long. [i cried in the afternoon because i was angry at my mum, and then cried again when i read that blogpost, and then read a lot of blogs, so now my eyes really hurt from everything.] damn it. well, at least my dad told me that i could start learning piano after my exams this year, until my o levels. even though he mentioned very clearly that i was NOT to drop violin. haiz. and i've started reading chinese stuff to try to improve my chinese. so hopefully it works? haha. although i'm doubtful because of a limited 3 days before my chinese exam. haha.

well, off to sleep. i started this post at about 10pm, but because of re-reading blogposts and reading other blogs, i was distracted halfway through, and its past 12am now. crap. tell me i rock at wasting my time. because like, thanks, i know i do. and i'm sleeping so early because i've decided to try and sleep early in preparation for the exams. so that i wont like, die during exams? i fell asleep during one of my exams last year before. and i was probably the sleeping queen in class last year or something. hahaha. which explains my bad results ever since the start of sec 2 until now. [i've been sleeping in class for the past few days especially.]

on a lighter and happier note from everything above, who cares if my whole day is totally ruined?
here's a quote from 小鱼儿 in 小鱼儿与花无缺:
"最快乐的人是并不需要任何理由而一样可以快乐的人
旨意快乐而快乐
我决定要快乐就快乐
快乐就是那么简单"
so even though i'm going to do some deep thinking before i go to sleep, i'll fall asleep feeling happy, because i want to. (:



sometimes i wished i wasn't so invisible.

changed my blog song! numb - linkin park.

haha just for fun. here are the lyrics. [trying to waste time because i dont feel like studying]



i'm tired of being what you want me to be
feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
don't know what you're expecting of me
put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
[caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow]
every step that i take is another mistake to you
[caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow]

i've become so numb i can't feel you there
become so tired, so much more aware
i'm becoming this, all i want to do
is be more like me and be less like you

can't you see that you're smothering me
holding too tightly, afraid to lose control
cause everything that you thought i would be
has fallen apart right in front of you
[caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow]
every step that i take is another mistake to you
[caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow]
and every second i waste is more than i can take

i've become so numb i can't feel you there
become so tired, so much more aware
i'm becoming this, all i want to do
is be more like me and be less like you

and i know
i may end up failing to
but i know
you were just like me with someone disappointed in you

i've become so numb i can't feel you there
become so tired, so much more aware
i'm becoming this, all i want to do
is be more like me and be less like you

i've become so numb i can't feel you there
i'm tired of being what you want me to be
i've become so numb i can't feel you there
i'm tired of being what you want me to be



i think its a song that really reflects my 心情 so i really like it. yepp. dont know when i started being like this, but i know that this is exactly what i'm like right now. but, for me, 'you' refers to more than just one person. definitely. just love this song a lot because i find it really meaningful and it reminds me of myself.

anyway, my dad just came home :D yay. i haven't seen him for the whole week ever since monday. didnt manage to catch him, although he's been coming home for a while and then going out again. usually in the late morning or early afternoon, so i'd still be in school. [which is another reason why school sucks, by the way. i cant see my dad because i'm having lessons in school.] really miss him (: but i dont think he has much time to talk to me. guess he's going to go sleep, cause he has to go out again later.

oh well. need to sweep the floor, then practise violin. [nooo. i dont want to. no inspiration or time or energy to practise. especially not with the damn exams so near.] crap. at this rate, i dont even need to think about continuing violin lessons. must get myself inspired to practise! i wonder how. and then after that i need to start studying. managed to complete about 1/3 of chem yesterday, in about an hour or two :D yay. chem is quite crappy actually. i'm not really very stressed about it. the only thing i'm stressed about is my languages and egeog [because its content-based and i hate content-based stuff because my memory sucks and because its so bloody near on wednesday and i'm not even done with 1/3 of it yet] and although finishing 1/3 of chem is good, its also bad because WHY THE HELL AM I WASTING MY TIME STUDYING CHEM WHEN I'M SUPPOSED TO BE STUDYING EGEOG? SHIT. i'm so screwed.

and i realised that, besides being screwed because i can't prioritise stuff, my whole body is probably malfunctioning too. that day, i had been sleeping at 2am for the past 3 days, and had been sleeping a lot during lessons and stuff, because of my lack of sleep. but when i came to school, my friend suddenly noticed my eyebags and told me that they dont seem to be as bad as the first half of the year. EXCUSE ME??? i've been sleeping at 12am for the first half of the year! what kind of logic is that? really wonder whats wrong with me.

yeah and i noticed that the sec4s are done with their exams, and so is jan, who's in jc2. so, after their exams, its our turn to take our exams. haha. its like a cycle. after our exams, there are still other people who have their exams later than us. like raffles people. so then, after our exams, it'll be their turn to take their exams. haha. oh well. i guess i better start doing stuff. MUST INSPIRE MYSELF TO STUDY AND PRACTISE VIOLIN! especially since my dad pays for my violin fees. and at the same time, i can inspire myself to sweep the floor too :D hahahah. JIAYOU JIAYOU JIAYOU! uh yes, to myself. (:

its friday. i like fridays. makes you feel as if you're free. even though you're not. but i dont really care. i realised that i dont really care about anything anymore.

ever since i've started thinking about all these things, my life has been like a game to me. like sims, perhaps. i've been wanting to go to extremes, find out how far out people can go. and i've been wanting to do new things. maybe be someone else for once, like change my character, or lose a friend, and see what happens. sadistic, maybe, but fun to me. i have this yearning to find out what life actually holds. i want to find out a lot more about life. how do people die because of others? what are they actually thinking in their minds? and how are some people so full of confidence, yet others just plain pathetic? what exactly is going on in their brains? if only i could read minds. life would be so much more interesting. but thats alright, i dont need to have the ability to read minds to entertain myself.

i can always entertain myself with life. relationships are like interesting wires which connect people together. i wonder if there is anyone in the world who do not interact with others? if there is, what would this person be like? would life be much more fun, or much more boring? and how do animals communicate? are they like humans? why do humans think they are so smart? and what happens when people die? do they just turn into a pile of bones? nothing else? and is it fun to kill someone? does it really make you feel guilty? i dont know. i just have a lot of questions i want answered. and a lot of experiments to carry out. i want to start testing the boundaries of life and find out much much more. right now, i'm craving for a philosophy book :D



in the meantime, here are a few quotes that i find really meaningful.

"幸福其实是建筑在别人的不幸上"
Happiness always comes from others’ misery.

"幸福只不过是一场骗局"
Happiness is just a scam.

"他们不是不怕，而是不能怕，也不允许自己怕。"



ok. all the above was randomness and my sudden outburst of philosophical stuff. yeah so anyway, i have lots of stuff to study. egeog and chem especially. and i need to go through math again, the day before exam. plus, i need to read up on both english and chinese stuff. especially for the compositions. thats all for first week. the rest can wait. hopefully. no, actually they cant. i need to start on elit and bio too. not much time to study these two subjects. only 2 days. and i cant possibly do 1 day 1 subject. it'll never work out. but i only have about 3 more days till exams. if i take 1 day for languages, 1 day for egeog, 1 day for chem, where am i going to get anymore time to study for elit and bio? oops =x AND i'm still wasting my time here. wtc. and i found out that i get inspiration to study anytime. if i want to. but i just dont want to. thats why it happens so seldom, and i can hardly study. oops. and i wish people would stop saying 'oh no i'm going to die for EOYs.' because you wont die. so just shut up about it. its so annoying that i'll have an urge to 动手打人 whenever i hear that line.

guess i'll be studying last minute again for this year's exams. oh well. its nothing new. good for the sec 4s because they finished their exams [even though they still have o levels, but yeah, still, they finished their exams] and jiayou to my friends for our exams which start next week. you're never going to hear me say good luck, because i dont believe in that. luck helps, yes, but if its luck you're counting on to pass, then you'll be better off staying at home and sleeping. well, off to start doing crap now. although i'm not in the least motivated to do anything right now. just feel like eating dinner then sleeping :D lazy me. oh well. guess i wont be doing anything much for now. cant wait to sleep! :D



[and to a particular someone who will probably be reading this: it's alright if others dont understand you or believe you when you tell them something. i think a lot of people are like that. but its really alright, because there'll be someone who believes you 百分百, yeah? :D]

[tag reply]

suzume: yeah ok :D thanks you too!



i've been sleeping at 2am for the past 2 days, and waking up later than usual too. crap. so i get to school later too. was supposed to study these few days, but just end up studying a bit and then using the laptop :/ havent been listening much during lessons. and yesterday's violin lesson was crappy. dont feel like continuing learning violin. anyway, had english prelim today, but there wasnt a teacher around, so yeah. finished up my paper with just a few minutes left, then started wrapping my table with mahjong paper. went home with yiinghuey and crystal. i feel like eating at macs tomorrow morning, but i have a sore throat :/ so i dont think i should go. haiz... and i'm quite annoyed at people around me. so, i have decided to just ignore them.

i managed to write notes for the first topic of elective geography. a lot more to go, though. and i havent started on chemistry either. crap. dont have enough time to study because i fall asleep in the afternoons when i try to study. and my mum actually asked me to go to sleep when i was studying! she told me not to sleep late, because i had school the next day. then what? want me to sleep late when i have exam the next day is it? of course i sleep late when i only have school the next day right.

and i'm still thinking about my skateboard. haha well sometimes, yeah. changed the list.
1) skateboard
2) new bicycle
3) mp3
4) new violin stand
5) a cool jacket like the orange one at sportslink that day
6) a pair of sports shoes
yay. now i just have to take out one more option.

feeling quite sleepy and tired :/ have theory lesson later. SIAN.

[tag replies]

jessica: HI JESSICA :D yeahh lets all go arcade together! :D

MX: haha okaaay... normally i dont ask for anything on my birthday anyway.

Suzume: yepp my last paper is on the 7th :D yay ok we can go on the 9th! :D hmm. -wonders whether i should just skip my theory lesson in the evening on the 9th- hahaha. ok whatever. see you around! :D

wanjane: haha. i know my dad rocks. but have budget lahh. all the things you want are too expensive =.= and duhh you wont get anything for your birthday cos you want too many things! tsktsk.



nothing much today. no homework, but lessons were crap. i guess its EOY revision time. about a week before exams start, right? haha. and i'm like, still here crapping. crap. lessons were 超级 boring today. english and chinese were both just teacher talking to us and telling us stuff. i had no idea what happened during english and chinese lessons. oops =x haha. then PE, we had the whole field to ourselves and played softball until 5 mins before lesson ended, then sat around in the shade doing nothing :D ultra slack. cos teacher wasnt there. and it was scorching hot outside in the sun. seriously. yeah then during recess, we just sat around and talked while eating. no one ate proper meals. all of us were just either eating snacks or toast or whatever, or drinking. (: after that was math. it was quite stressing because i couldnt catch up. or was it because i was talking to debbie? oops. haha. and bio after that was the usual going through of answers and mindmaps. but i really wish some people will stop going on about guys. its really getting quite irritating. like whatever, ok? i hear until sian already lah. change the topic, people. and this isnt to anyone in particular. really.

we were released 5 or 10 mins early after bio, so we could actually go home already, but quite a few of us lingered around. at first, it was debbie and melody who started singing a duet. then a group started gathering around. then we called huishan over and huishan and debbie sang the lion king song. haha and everyone agrees that huishan's voice is nice. see? :D it was fun being her table partner and hearing her sing :D then it was like some fanclub or something and they were saying something about the debbie-and-huishan fanclub. haha. cool. yep then clarice said that we should start a class band. hahaha. cos have a lot of good singers and a lot of mep students and stuff i guess. coolios :D

after school, i went home with yiinghuey, crystal, and elaine. i was quite stone lor. was feeling quite sian diao. went to cwp after that to buy stationery from popular :D that was fun. i think i spent about an hour there. haha. dropped in at sportslink before i went to popular. wanted to see the skateboards, but like very paiseh, so i went to see the rollerblades instead. haha its paiseh because the skateboards are piled in a stack right in front of the counter. haha ok whatever. i think i'm being stupid. oh well. yeah then i bought $10.10 worth of things from popular :D hahaha. foolscap, pens, eraser, correction tape refill, scotchtape. its fun to shop :D and fun to spend money. feels like i'm playing sims or something. fun-ness :D i think, the more money i spend, the more 爽 i'll feel. haha :D i'm like my dad. if you give me money, dont think of getting it back. my mum and jan are more 省钱 kind of people. haha. well, whatever. on my way back, i dropped in at sportslink again. for fun. haha.

went home and started copying elit stuff into my book, but fell asleep instead. when i woke up, i went to bathe and then pasted my egeog notes. its in a receipt format. long and nice and continuous and pasted together with scotchtape. hahaha. you should see it. i'll post the pictures i took of it after EOYs or something. when i feel like it. after i was done, i started doing notes for the last chapter of the first topic. which is the case study of kalimantan. the topic is natural vegetation. and there's still extra to study for the topic - the amazon rainforest. wtc. [what the crap] so irritating lah. its like, i have to combine all the info from the textbook and the incomprehensible notes that our teacher gave us, and try and learn something out of it. and try relating everything together. quite hard. hard for writing notes, anyway. if i write notes from the textbook, its usually a breeze.

and i guess you cant really say i'm happy now. i'm happy in a way. because i cant wait for the end of EOYs. but yet i think i'm quite pissed because EOYs is getting damn irritating. its totally spoiling my life. you have no time to go jog or play badminton or whatnot, because you're SUPPOSED to be very guai and stay at home to study. wtc. something is seriously wrong with how people's brains work. take myself as an example. i stay at home to study for 5 minutes, then fall asleep. its such a waste of my time. when i can actually go jog for 15 minutes and NOT fall asleep. makes sense, doesnt it? and if you force me to stay at home, here i am, staring at the computer typing nonsense.

i'm thinking about my birthday these few days, and the only thing i'm worried about is that my dad doesnt get me a skateboard. haha. dumb, right? because he said 5 things, and he'll get one of them. of course, i can always tell him that i want a skateboard the most, and put it at the top of the list or something, but that doesnt guarantee anything. so, yeah. but i guess i'm fine if he doesnt get me a skateboard lah. anyway, its already good enough that he asks me what i want, right? :D and if i get a skateboard and dont know how to skate, isnt that worst? although i can always learn, i guess. but i wont know where to practise. i dont think i want to practise at the badminton court or what like the guys in my neighbourhood. cos i think it'll be really paiseh. haha. =x how? now i'm wondering if i really want a skateboard or not. :/

well, off to find out more about skateboards. and maybe study a bit. haha :D bye!

[tag replies]

suzume: YEAH! ABSOLUTELY! :D but i cant go out with you all on the day of the last paper :/ i'm going out with my friends to taka. SORRY!!! ): but we can go out on any other day! :D yay i miss the arcade! havent been there for very long! yeahhh man i'm so looking forward to the end of EOYs :D

MJ: haha YEAH I KNOW. DUHH. he's like the best dad in the world mans :D



yeah man :D went to school today and was SUPER HAPPY because of yesterday. oh. did i mention that last night, i could hardly get to sleep? was tossing and turning about, because i was thinking about getting my skateboard :D hahaha. then today morning, when the alarm rang, i actually heard it and stopped it. and when my mum came in to wake me up, i was half sleeping but i jumped out of the bed immediately. i think she was quite shocked. haha. and i went to school in the morning all smiles, so huishan was asking me, 'jane, are you very happy today?' haha and i was like YEAHHH :D and i told a lot a lot of people that my dad let me write down 5 things and he'll get me one for my birthday present. my dad rocks the world :D

but although i was very hyper in the morning, i got tired after that, so i was in a tired-but-happy kind of mood. yepp. and we changed out seating arrangements today. so now i'm sitting with debbie hoe :D haha and we're both like quite slack? haha fun-ness. talked a lot of crap. and i told her about my skateboard thing and she drew a picture of me riding a skateboard. =.= haha randomness. but yeah her art is like damn pro. i miss huishan D: but she's not sitting very far away. about 2 or 3 seats diagonally. and melody's still in the diagonal seat in front of me. hahaha. and alison's sitting next to huishan! hahaha. coolios :D

yepp and i went recess with the usual people :D and celine asked if i wanted to go taka with them on the day of the last exam we had :D absolutely! i wouldnt miss it! so far, the people who are going are: celine, shushien, alison, me, huishan, shirley, sharon, cheryl and nat eng i think. yay :D and i think we're going to celine's house after that. cool. i cant wait till end of EOYs! :D

and i dont see how i seem emo. maybe its just my msn display name and pm and whatever. i guess it probably is. but like. it doesnt mean that i'm emo! :D i'm still a very friendly person [actually, no i'm not] who is just being emo for fun. (: its fun ok!

anyway, when i got home today, i was quite tired. tried practising my violin but to no avail. was so sleepy that i stopped halfway and sat on the chair to sleep. after that, woke up and wanted to bathe but jan wanted to go bathe too. sort of quarreled with him, then i just went in to bathe without the hot water [long story] and took very long to bathe because the water was freezing cold. but yeah, i used to bathe with cold water quite often last time. i was fine with it. what sucked was that i realised i had caught a cold when i came out of the toilet and was going to eat dinner, but started sneezing. =.= lucky it didnt last for very long. but i was feeling quite cold in school today too :/

oh yahh and i managed to think of some things i would like for my birthday. the list exceeds 5, but i can always cut it down to 5 (:
1) skateboard
2) new bicycle [my old one's too small]
3) rollerblades
4) MP3 [my handphone mp3 sucks - i have to use the old nokia earphones and i dont like them]
5) new handphone [my handphone is laggy and it's connection to the laptop sucks]
6) new violin stand [my old one's spoilt]
7) new spectacles [all the metallic blue colouring came off and its half silver half blue now D: ugly shit.]
8) a cool jacket like the orange one at sportslink that day [since i couldnt get that orange one]
9) a pair of sports shoes [i dont have one! how do i go jogging without proper sports shoes?]

yepp. i think its a good list. quite satisfied with it. just have to find things to cut out. later on. for now, its back to homework.

[tag reply]

wanjane: haha whatever. i love any forms of chocolate :D WAHAHA your last paper is on friday! =P jiayou till then!



D: i miss my laptop! realise that i really cant withstand the temptation of using my laptop. thats why i'm here now, even though i have elit and chinese homework to chiong D: and elit homework is seriously worrying me. i have no idea what to write. as for chinese... i think i'll go to school and do. and i still havent finished my 三国演义! hahaha. crap. and my mum just told me 'you better go and sleep by 11.' whattt. as if thats even possible. elit will take me a long long time i think.

i spent almost the whole saturday and today afternoon studying egeog! :D although i spent saturday evening & night watching tv :D princess diaries, then S.W.A.T. and i spent most of today afternoon baking a banana plus chocolate cake. which didnt turn out very nice. they never do. but heck. edible :D and i love the chocolate. and i watched herbie in the evening, which ate up 2 whole hours of my time. and i'm still here blogging =.= i think i'm really too slack. but really missed my laptop! haha :D oh yah. you know how i check my email nowadays? anything related to facebook --> delete. anything related to friendster --> delete. yay. no more new mail :D although i have occasional mails from people, but i just browse through them quickly. most are usually junk anyway. so --> delete.

well, actually, i'll admit that my studying just equals to writing notes. which doesnt equal to studying. i'm just copying not-so-blindly but still quite blindly. so in a way i guess i'm just lying to myself. but heck. its some work done, at least. i think i'll only start studying properly maybe 2 days or so before the real exam. you must keep in mind that my memory space for school stuff has a maximum span of a day. after a day, everything auto-clears, because if i keep the crap inside, i'd probably start lagging really badly. so its really quite hard if i want to start studying now. maybe the better option would be to write notes for this whole week, so at least when i study properly, i can study from PROPER notes, not those junk notes that our teachers give us. although the occasional few are still quite useful.

oh yahh. and my dad bought a electric beater today [that explains why i was baking cake today. was testing it out. my dad was supposed to, but he asked me to bake =.=] and my mum was teasing me and saying that that was my birthday present. ha. ha. then my dad told me that for my birthday, he wanted me to write down 5 things that i want, and he'll get me one of them. i was thinking: WHOA. DAD, ARE YOU SERIOUS? haha. but to be nice, i asked him for the budget lah. if there wasnt a budget, he would sooo go broke. haha. but he said he'd buy me something more expensive on my important birthdays :D i think, according to what he told me quite long ago, the important ones are 16 and 18. cool :D so i've been thinking about it and the only thing i can come up with so far is an mp3. which is quite crap, because my handphone has an mp3. hmm. maybe a new handphone, then? haha. no idea. still thinking. but like, whoa, 5 things? haha cool. i shall take my time to think. :D or maybe i'll write down the ones from my wishlist. like a new bicycle, or rollerblades, or a skateboard. :D yeah i guess i might after all. oooh a skateboard sounds fantastic :D i can go to school with it! so i wouldnt need to run to catch the train anymore. and i cant wait till my 16th birthday! maybe i'll get my dad to get me an electric guitar then :D if he allows. and when i get my driver's license, i'm going to get him to buy me a motorbike! :D yeah man! haha ok no forget the last one. did i mention how much i love my dad? :D

and, here's the updated list of things i want to do after EOYs :D
- study for theory exam
- play basketball
- practise music more often
- read the set of encyclopedias in my house
- finish reading the 9 books on my waiting list [2 blood+ mangas, 1 alex rider series book, 3 books i borrowed from tg since last year i think, and 3 books i bought from the NLB book sale sometime this year]
- clear out all the random stuff that i have but dont use and occupies space in the house
- study physics
- go swimming
- start thinking of ways to earn my own pocket money [so my mum doesnt have to give me pocket money] and put my thoughts into actions
- learn to write properly with my left hand
- go on a shopping spree and get new clothes
- go on a book-borrowing spree after i'm done with the 9 books on my waiting list
- go on a video-watching spree
- be busy everyday! :D [with what i want to do, of course]

yepp ok. back to elit homework. bye!

[tag reply]

wanjane: orh. your last paper on which day?? and you talk crap today lah! haiz...



haven't touched my laptop ever since tuesday night :O I MISS MY LAPTOP! yeah, anyway, have been feeling quite lifeless these few days. it sucks being lethargic. you just dont have any energy to do ANYTHING.

on wednesday, i had amath test and chem spa. both were fine. after school, i went home with yiinghuey and elaine. bought cookies from subway :D 2 double chocolate and 1 chocolate. i love chocolate :D reached home quite late and feeling extremely tired. wanted to sleep on the chair for about half an hour, but quarreled with jan instead, because he turned on the tv and it was noisy. i hate quarreling with him. it makes me feel stupid and damn pissed. decided never to quarrel with him again. my dad said so too. managed to fall asleep for a while in the end, then woke up and bathed and practised my violin. i've been practising my violin quite regularly this week, so i felt quite accomplished. and i didnt get scolded during violin lesson. after that, i came back and started studying chinese compo writing and half-wrote a compo. was very sleepy.

on thursday, i had chinese prelims after school. from 2.45pm - 6.30pm. like wtf? so long lah. i was quite sure that i was going to fall asleep. anyway, informed my theory teacher that i wasn't going for theory lesson. chinese prelims were ok. because it was normal chinese. if its higher chinese, i am soo dead. i hate how my chinese sucks so much. anyway, i could actually have been in time for theory lesson, but decided not to go, since i told my teacher that i wasnt going. also because, around the middle of chinese prelims, i got my usual bad headache, so i wasnt feeling very well. headache continued until i went to sleep, as per normal. crap. caused me to be in quite a bad mood for the rest of the evening and night. was quite rude to my mum i think :/ and felt really pissed at my bio and elit homework, especially bio. wanted to finish chem too, but didnt in the end. slept for a few minutes here and there, and only went to bed at 1am. wtf.

today, there were quite a few times when it felt as if my headache was going to come back, but it didnt. fortunately. slept in 3 out of 5 of my lessons - ss, hcl and chem. still as lethargic as the few days before. not much improvement. completed my bio and chem homework in school, but not my elit. will attempt to complete it later. it was supposed to be due today, though. had english oral after school and had to wait for quite a long time. after i was done, i waited for garwai, who was the last one to take her oral. went to subway [again] after that and i bought 3 cookies [again], but this time, as there was no double chocolate but there was white chocolate, i bought 2 white chocolate and 1 chocolate. went home after that and fell asleep on the mrt. i think i accidentally knocked into a few people while i was sleeping :/ oops paiseh. reached home and practised my violin :D right now, trying to complete chinese homework. i have a lot of things to do this weekend. including start studying. shall go sleep earlier today :D even though today was supposed to be homework-day and the weekends were supposed to be studying-days. but i dont think i can last very long tonight. will probably be nodding off to sleep in an hour.

today was a bad day. from the start of the day till just now. today just totally sucked.

was woken up at around 5.30am by my mum, who was telling me that I needed to get up earlier, because jan had an exam today. WHAT KIND OF LOGIC IS THAT? HE has an exam. so obviously, HE has to wake up early so that he wouldn't be late. BUT SOMEHOW, it turns out that I have to wake up earlier, so i wouldn't clash with him. wtf. ask him to wake up early lah! ask me for what! plus, i was planning to wake up at 5.45am and my mum nagged at me EARLY IN THE MORNING, saying that i should have set my alarm to 5am, so she would be able to wake up earlier, because she almost overslept. EH. YOU WANT TO WAKE UP EARLY AND SCARED THAT YOU WILL OVERSLEEP, GO BUY MORE ALARM CLOCKS LAH. USE MY HANDPHONE ALARM FOR WHAT. plus, i hate it hearing noise, which includes nagging, ESPECIALLY WHEN I JUST WAKE UP.

then, i took bloody long to tie my hair because its just been cut, so IT LOOKS WEIRD and i had to try my best to get it to look normal. BUT IT STILL DIDNT LOOK NORMAL IN THE END. and because i took so long to tie my hair, i realised that i was going to be late if i didnt rush. i only had 3 mins to eat. the bread was fine, because i just chewed and swallowed it in a few seconds. but my milo was FREAKING HOT. how am i supposed to drink an extremely hot milo in less than 3 mins?!

when i left the house, i actually had to RUN for the first 3/4 of the way to the mrt. after that, i slowed down to a briskwalk. and with all the running, i managed to catch the mrt only JUST in time. for the rest of the train journey, i wasn't in a really good mood, so i listened to my handphone mp3. [charged it fully yesterday to listen to it today, since i've transferred my songs over] well, at least i saw sufyan on the mrt, so i had someone to talk to. then, when i alighted at yck mrt, had to run for the bus as usual.

throughout the morning in school, i was feeling pretty lethargic, so i just sat through all the boring lessons, feeling that it was a complete torture to be even sitting in the class and hardly talked much. and i realised quite long ago that i have a few friends who actually wait for me. i doubt they'll ever read this, but if they do, by any chance, i really want to tell them this: "stop waiting for me. its not like you owe me anything. just go. i dont need you to wait for me. and i dont want anyone to wait for me either. just go on with your lives. if i want to waste my life, thats my problem. not yours. and even though we're friends, you still dont need to bother. because its not like i'd care whether you wait or not." anyway, one good thing today was that my english teacher was absent, so we didnt have a teacher during english lesson, and we didnt have oral after school. during recess, i went to the specs stand and sat there listening to my handphone mp3. managed to fall asleep. woke up when the bell went and made my way back to class.

went home with yiinghuey and crystal, and when i reached home, immediately started digging for food :/ couldnt help it. if i didnt eat anything, it felt as if my lethargic-ness might continue on for the whole week. i decided to drink chocolate milk and eat biscuits with it, since i havent drank it for so long. was shaking it when the cover suddenly burst open and chocolate milk sprayed out and ONTO THE KITCHEN WALLS. WTF. just when i had recovered from my lethargic-ness because of the excitement of eating. spent about 5 minutes cleaning it up, thinking how i was totally wasting my time cleaning up my mess of spilled chocolate milk. but drank it anyway after that. and ate biscuits and kueh too. not in any mood to study right now. guess it'll have to wait for later. back to feeling lethargic. what a bad day.



well, i WAS feeling lethargic today, and i dont talk when i'm feeling tired and dead, because i'd require a huge amount of energy to make sounds come out of my mouth. when i feel lethargic, i'm almost equivalent to a walking corpse who doesnt eat or talk or smile and who just goes around with no idea at all why its still alive. so there's not really much point in trying to interact with me at all. i'm an un-interactive object moving around. i dont get why some people can't get that fact. its simple enough right? the best way to deal with me when i'm lethargic, is just to ignore me and go on with what you're doing. not like i'm going to stop you right. just pretend i'm not there. air, dust, whatever. no one's asking you to worry about me. let me say this again: i dont need anyone to worry about me or wait for me or care about me or even know that i exist. it'd be better if i didnt exist. if only i was really air. or i was invisible. i'd be so glad then. everyone would just ignore me and go on with their work. and i'd be happy.

anyway, even if you dont know i'm lethargic, then lets just say i'm emo or just pissed or whatever. doesnt really matter. because when i'm emo or pissed, i still wouldnt want anyone disturbing me. but i have to admit that its really interesting to see the effects of my lethargic-ness on some people. its like conducting an experiment. watch their expressions. watch how different emotions affect different people. interesting, isnt it? its fairly amusing too. look around you and observe the people around you. you'll feel so much more accomplished and you'll be able to understand people better. another thing-to-do that i'm going to add to my 'after EOYs' list, is dig out all my dad's psychology books and start reading. its going to be loads of fun.

off to do something else now. maybe drown myself in music or computer games.