somehow i feel quite detached from the world right now. the sort of feeling that like, if i die right now, the world wouldn't even blink. in fact, i wonder what would happen when if i die today. the world would just go on, wouldn't it? i would just become a memory, nothing more. maybe that's why i'm so 拼命 sometimes. i don't want to be just a memory. i don't want to just turn into dust. i want to make a difference to this world, let this world know that i've been here. most of all, i don't want to be forgotten. perhaps, it's too much to ask for. not to be forgotten, that is. perhaps so, but still. it's a dream. a goal, maybe.

i don't know. maybe i'm just being emo right now. but i thought what kc said today made sense. that i look like i don't belong here. in fact, i think i don't belong anywhere. i guess i can say truthfully that i haven't found a place where i'm comfortable with myself yet. is it just my low self-esteem/confidence? or something more? like not having discovered yourself and your purpose of living in this world yet. perhaps. i'm not sure either. among my friends, there are different groups and cliques. and somehow i just feel that i don't belong anywhere. not with my fuchun friends, not with my rosyth friends, not with my st nicks friends. all alone, stuck in the middle of nowhere. and the worst thing is that it feels as if i'm the culprit. i'm the one who's always distancing myself from others. why? i don't know either. is it just me? how come everyone else blends in so well, like they belong there? among my family, somehow i just don't belong either. my brother has his own life. i can't communicate with my mum. and even though i like to talk to my dad and whatnot, there are so many things that i don't know about him either. it's as if i don't know them at all, as if they're not even my family. is it just me thinking too much into things? i doubt so. it's the feeling of going to everywhere possible and still feeling 不自在. the sense of being left out and in my own world, never being able to show my true self no matter where i go or who i'm with. who am i to you? a friend? an acquaintance? a stranger? a normal schooling girl? a crazy maniac who's gone nuts? someone who opens their heart out to others? or someone with a black heart? i would like to know who i am in this world. and more than anything, i want to find a place where i belong. is that possible?



moving on from the emo stuff to daily stuff.

had violin lessons on tuesday and wednesday and both were quite okay :D yay and phew.

thursday went back to school for english oral. it was alright. after that, i went home with jac, and we went to eat lunch at pizza hut, then walked around cwp before going to the library. stayed there until evening. met yiinghuey and her friends there too :D so i went over to talk before finally going home.

friday me and jac went to the library to study together. surprise surprise. met crystal and her friend there. ended up sharing a table and i talked to crystal quite a bit. in the afternoon, yiinghuey came to the library with her friends too, so we went to find her and talked a bit. i think all of us had that 很怀念以前 kind of feeling. had lunch with jac at macs. then had dinner at pizza hut with crystal and yiinghuey. felt good, just like old times. i think having dinner together is a great way to catch up with friends. if you stay long after that to talk, that is. i don't know why. just got that feeling. it happened before, eating dinner to catch up with a friend. and i felt quite good after that. after dinner, yiinghuey went home while crystal and i went to popular since i needed to buy something. and somehow on the way out, we met mx and talked for a bit. totally didn't expect to see him there with his family, though. [and suddenly, i wonder if it's even possible for my family to go out like that again in the future. probably 1 in a million chance of it happening.] anyway, we went home after that and i reached home quite late :/ 8 plus i think.

today, was supposed to have breakfast with crystal and yiinghuey, then go to the library, and then go catch a movie with fuchun friends. yiinghuey came later though. crystal went to get the movie tickets first, then she came over and we went to get our seats. did some work [some is an overstatement] and then talked and played around and watched part of a movie with crystal. went off at noon, when mx called to say that he was there already. yiinghuey went for her tuition, and by then kc was there too. were wondering whether to wait for ken or not, and then he appeared, so yay and we went to eat. ate at food court and i shared lunch with crystal. oh yes and ken gave us souvenirs from australia. crystal took a koala and i took a kangaroo :D it's cute! thanks ken (: then we went to get the popcorn and drinks and finally into the cinema. we were watching transformers 2, by the way. kc's idea. [obviously. who else would suggest that?] at first crystal wanted to sit on the outside, but then kc said he wanted to sit there, so we moved in and then guess what? he had the popcorn to himself. and the guys at the other end started complaining. haha quite funny la. realised that we all liked sweet popcorn too. haha :D [actually i don't really have a preference i guess.] anyway, the popcorn here is much better than the one i ate at the last movie, because there were loads of unpopped popcorn in that one. the movie was alright, and after that we went to kc's house. watched mx and kc play prototype for a while [it's so cool :D] and then we all played taiti and bridge. fun-ness :D during our [me and crystal] last game, chugy came over. which was quite sad because he just came and then we had to leave. it was already 5.30pm by then. went home and bought a chocolate muffin on the way home :D yum. had a super fun day :D thanks guys.

after i came home, mostly searched for food and ate. ate 2 durian egg tarts and a chocolate bun and fruits. which was my dinner. wanted to eat ice cream with bread, but i was a little full, so decided not to. oh and mx came to borrow my brother's KI notes =.= i would have liked to read them very much, but i don't have any time to do so nowadays, so i guess i can only read them after o's ):

finally almost done with uploading my photos on DA. go and have a look! here are a few nice ones from sunday:
sunrise 4
sunrise 15
sunrise 19
bike race 3
bike race 10
bike race 18
bike race 30
sparrow 1
sparrow 2
cable-ski 4
cable-ski 5
cable-ski 6
cable-ski 13
cable-ski 17
cable-ski 20
cable-ski 22
cable-ski 23
cable-ski 26

don't mind the numbers.
enjoy~

my arms and hands and legs hurt ): all from yesterday. haiz. woke up at 1.20pm today because i was sooo tired. 12 hours of sleep. not bad :D hehe. spent the day mainly on the computer looking through the photos that i took yesterday. some photos are alright. shall put them up on deviantart later :D

as for now, here's a photo for each of the places i went to yesterday :D enjoy~

whoo~ i'm using the laptop to blog :D how fun. it's been quite a while since i've used it to blog or anything. somehow i've been using it quite a lot recently. must be because i'm lazy to go use my own desktop, since it's so 方便 to use a computer in the living room. hehe ^^" oh well. i shall try to use my desktop more often and not neglect it :x



on wednesday night, i went to buy the instrumental and violin albums after my violin lesson :D yay! lovely music. busted 40 bucks on them though :/ haiz. but it was very worth it since there were 100 songs in each album.

thursday i went out to eat lunch with wanjane. at macs. again. starting to feel guilty when i eat at macs :/ haha. oh wells. we walked around a bit before going home. and somehow i spent the day doing stuff which i can't remember now. probably practised music. and. do math sums? i don't know.

as for friday, i woke up early to go eat lunch with my aunt =.= since she always insists on eating lunch with me and my brother [but my brother is supposedly in ns, so yeah.] went to food republic at orchard's wisma atria. not bad :D i ate fish and chips. although the fries were extremely salty. hahahaha when i ate the fries, i was already imagining what would happen if wanjane ate that. she'd go nuts :D since even i can't stand it. after lunch, went home and totally slacked like some nutter. watched videos on the internet, tv, a movie on the tv at night, and some drama later on in the night. slept at one plus x.x

saturday... i spent most of it watching videos again :/ and attempting to do my long-overdue-by-one-week-and-five-days elit homework. anddd. i couldn't even finish a stupid essay in a day =.= after half watching videos and half doing the essay, i somehow wasted off a whole afternoon and then it was evening and dinner time and after that i went back to watching tv. epic fail mans. haiz. during the tv program, my dad mentioned that he wanted to go shoot the sunrise the next day. [when he says 'he', it means 'we', since i'm his photographer =.=] but since it was father's day and all, plus i really really wanted to go shoot the sunrise too, i agreed and went off to charge the batteries and everything. slept before 12am :D



as for today :D sunday and father's day. spent the whole day out. and i really mean the whole day. woke up at 5.20am to go out early. but we only managed to leave the house at 6.30am, since my dad was trying to find for a groundsheet because apparently he suddenly realised that you had to 'prune down' to get a nice shot of the sunrise. oh wells. didn't manage to find one in the end, so we had to make do with a really thin sheet of something like a poncho. by the time we arrived at changi, it was already past 7am and the sun was about to rise soon. hurriedly found a spot [stupid railing! totally killed me because i had to fit the camera lens in between the railing to shoot, since it was blocking any potentially nice shots, and i couldn't move much and my elbows died from trying to hold up myself and the camera at the same time.] and started shooting. the sunrise was beautiful :D only the first part though. after that it was quite normal :/ but managed to get some good shots anyway. thanks loads to the occasional aeroplane flying past :D helped a lot in my 'photo composition'.

by the time we were done, it was 7 plus and we went to eat breakfast at a nearby coffee shop. tosay [however you spell it] and prata :D yum. and my dad took the time before the food came to comment on my photos :/ okay. i know. i keep dividing the water and sky into exact halves. i'm sorry! it's a habit :/ haiz. and yes, a lot of my shots were plain =.= fineee. not a good 'composition'. okay~ haiz. thankfully, the aeroplane and occasional boat shots saved me. phew.

after breakfast, we travelled all the way from east to west, changi to tuas, to catch the bike race at 9.30am, supposedly. it started a bit later though. got damn nice shots there :D and i totally loved it. the bikes were so damn cool and fast and some of the drivers were quite pro. well, pro-er than me anyway, who at that point in time, did not even know how to ride a motorbike. totally busted 300 plus shots taking the motorbikes because of how i had to use continuous shots to take them. my dad was super shocked after that. ^^" hehe.

and i say 'at that point in time' in the previous paragraph because i drove a motorbike for the first time in my life today! :D my dad had actually said that he wanted to teach me how to ride a bike at the racing place, but since they were racing, we couldn't really use it, plus we weren't going to stay for so long to take so many shots. [me and my camera would just die.] so, we found some ulu place near the sea with this sand path and my dad turned in and started teaching me how to use the bike. was damn nervous at first, because i was scared i'd just screw it up. plus, the bike is freaking bloody heavy okay! i can hardly push it. =.= how am i supposed to ride a bike like that. the first time i rode, i almost killed myself. somehow i just keep thinking that the accelerating movement is to brake. which explains why i totally accelerated like some nutter in the first try and when i wanted to brake, accelerated even more. almost went into the drain okay! stopped before that fortunately, when i suddenly realised that i was using the wrong movement to brake. otherwise i would probably be dead by now. my dad was quite mad i think :x oops. sorry! second time was much better [well, i learnt my lesson about braking and accelerating after my near-death experience.] and then my dad sat in to make sure i was doing it properly for a few rounds before he got off to video me and i biked around quite jerkily :/ got smoother later on and i grasped the concept of changing gears, [i would keep forgetting to reduce the speed before changing gears in the first few rounds] but i'm still not good with changing to lower gears. and not good enough yet at controlling the bike speed and turning. and definitely will die pushing the bike or anything to do with controlling the bike physically. but well, it was freaking fun :D even though i was sweating like hell after that from the afternoon heat plus nervousness. that was my first time driving a bike! :D i definitely won't forget this.

after that, we headed back to the east. stopped at this road bridge which ran over a water area. went down to take photos there. it was quite a nice stretch of still and peaceful water :D there was someone living there. tried to take photos of a super tiny sparrow flying around but wasn't too successful ):

then we stopped at some random looking bridge to take a few shots, which was thankfully nearby a saf club where we took a short break. then, went back to the bike and realised that it was drizzling. decided to go back into the club and wait some time before going back out. ate at ya kun kaya toast there and i guess that was teabreak or something. it was probably around 11 plus by that time, i suppose. almost lunch, but not really there yet. while eating, my dad talked to me a lot about life and people and other stuff. well, actually, mainly about life. probably spent about half an hour there, i guess? didn't keep track of the time.

when we came back out, it had stopped raining and my dad said that he would drive me to somewhere quite 'in', where young people went. ended up at marina barrage, where they were having some kind of water festival. how queer. [and how in the world is my dad so informed? i've never even heard of that place before :x] spent about an hour plus there walking around and exploring the place, taking a couple of shots here and there. it wasn't very interesting. well, i guess maybe i'm just not really into these kind of events. there was canoeing :D although i didn't shoot that. i don't know why. after that, we stood outside the place while i hurriedly deleted all the empty shots from the bike race. well, you would get empty shots too if you just held on to that photo button like an idiot while waiting for the racers to be at the right positions but afraid that you would miss them. was worth it though. after deleting the photos, i managed to empty out a precious 92 shots. phew. enough to take photos at 2 more places.

at first, my dad wanted to bring me to somewhere to take photos of people water skiing. but when we reached, we realised that there were no more people waterskiing there and it was a place for dragonboating instead. my dad said they had probably shifted somewhere else. so he said he'd find out later.

so one more place left. and we went to east coast park's cable ski. some people there were freaking pro mans. the turns and flips they pulled off were awesome. i want to learn that next time too! :D after o's or something. whatever it is. [hahaha my dad said that when i go learn that next time, he's going to bring my mum and brother and all the cameras and video cameras and they'll all start shooting like siao. lol!] got some pretty okay shots. hard to get nice shots though, and i'd much rather prefer a video camera, which would be so much better when it comes to shooting those flips and turns. but we didn't have a professional video camera, so i made do with the camera and my dad used his handphone to take a few videos. by the time we were done, it was 2 plus. i think. i really can't remember the time. took a couple of shots of this cute little dog and windsurfing too. although i'm not sure it's called that. [my dad says so.] i thought it was windsailing or something to do with sailing. oh well.

then, we went to eat teabreak/dinner at the nearby food stalls. my dad didn't really like the food there, plus my appetite wasn't very good either, so yeah. after eating, we set off on our way home. stopped by to get a second refill of my dad's bike's petrol tank. which was like o.O wow. [my dad already filled it up in the morning.] haha i was going to ask my dad if he had ever refilled his bike twice in a day, [before we even left for home] but when we turned into the petrol kiosk, i just suddenly decided not to ask. well, we did travel from north [home] to east [changi] to west [tuas] to south [marina] to east [east coast park] to north [home]. what do you expect?

when we finally got home, it was 6pm. yes, we left the house at 6.30am. that was almost 12 whole hours of riding around singapore in a bike with only a camera. cool, right? had a superb day :D and we wanted to go swimming after that. arrived home to my mum's nagging, mostly ignored her, rested for a while, packed our stuff, and went out again to the swimming pool! :D i was sooo happy to go swimming. reached the pool around 7pm and started swimming. unfortunately for me, i had a foot muscle cramp after trying to swim freestyle really really hard :/ which was freaking sad because not only did my foot hurt like -insert swear words-, i was also pretty depressed that i couldn't swim even though i had wanted to come swimming for a really really long time. T_T plus, i'm really scared that the next time i come swimming i'll have a phobia of swimming. or maybe a phobia of swimming freestyle. T_T hopefully not. after one foot had a cramp, somehow my other foot had a cramp too. while i was in the water! what the. i almost died from drowning or something. couldn't even imagine climbing out of the pool because i was grabbing onto both feet so tightly. but then i realised that i really couldn't stay in there forever so the faster i got out, the better. scurried out of the pool like some nutter and towards the nearest place where i could sit. didn't even make it to sit down. i could only squat there against a wall and grab my feet trying to ease the pain as much as possible. was probably in that position for half an hour. while my dad happily swam around and came up to talk to me D: anyway, it finally eased when i tried really hard to get my mind off the pain [psychological thinking. my feet hurts much more when i think about it. i really have no idea why.] and it finally worked although my right foot still felt weird. had to keep walking around like a nutter because only then would it feet alright. in the end, made it to the toilet and bathed and finally came out and waited for my dad to bathe while walking around like an idiot. when he was done, i was sooo glad to finally go home. this totally spoilt my day ): but i'll keep telling myself it's alright, because there were so many other good things that happened today. :D

finally arrived home and felt much better and could keep my mind off my feet cramps. ate dinner without much appetite and now i'm blogging and going to sleep right after this. ohmygosh it's 1am. off to sleep~ nites :D

everyone's studying.

how boring.

there's no one to play with me.



saturday and sunday were used up to read 2 books and 4 mangas. i shall update my wishlist after this :D and we didn't go out on sunday after all. quite sceptical about the canoeing thing, since we're not sure whether we can just go there and rent a canoe or what. hopefully it's that simple. so we'll probably go this sunday instead, if i manage to figure out how we can rent a canoe. :/ oh wells. i shall attempt to find out later.

monday was spent playing sims 3. i am getting addicted :/ crap. managed to snap out of it [kind of] yesterday. only played an hour of sims 3 yesterday, which is quite an achievement :D spent most of yesterday practising music. almost the whole afternoon, i think. about 2 hours on violin, another 1 hour on piano and guitar i think. and then i had violin lesson with piano accompaniment for another hour. so that makes almost 4 hours of music. cool. anyway, the popular store at lot 1 is way nicer than cwp's one :D they have shelves and shelves of books which look untouched. too bad i'll only be going for one more lesson at cck. will probably be practising my violin for another 2 hours or so later on, before i go for violin lesson. hey, that makes 3 hours of music today. yay :D playing music makes me feel accomplished. even more so than doing homework or studying, i would think.



which reminds me that i haven't done much studying yet. managed to finish up most of my science homework on monday and tuesday. now i'm left with one more question of bio, loads of math homework, 5 english compres and summaries, 2 elit essays, and about 5 chinese article reviews. sucks. how am i supposed to study like this? this holiday is turning out worse than i expected. shall try to do up another schedule if i have time, and hopefully i'll stick to it and start studying. plus, from now on, i need to spend at least an hour on violin everyday. i don't even want to imagine what would happen if i don't pass this exam. not that i don't have the confidence to pass, but i think that i can do much better if i practise more. my exam is in super early july D: 2nd week of term 3 leh. T_T crappp. well, on the bright side, i can concentrate on studies after that. oh wait. that's not so bright after all. how nice.

besides studying and practising violin, i want to help my dad with some stuff too. and i'm probably going out on friday. and i want to go swimming on saturday. so there won't be much time these last 2 weeks, what with violin lessons x2 and going out and going back to school for english oral and going canoeing [hopefully] and whatnot. how frustrating. so little time, so much to do.

i'm thinking of quitting violin temporarily after this exam. should i? :/ i might.

20 more days to my violin exam. wonderful.

off to play the violin~

holiday lessons are over. which is good :D went to watch another movie yesterday with zhuangyun and bianca. josie fell sick :/ so she couldn't come. watched terminator salvation. it's the first time that i found a group of friends to watch this kind of movies with, you know! :D haha. and yeah we all liked the movie so yay :D and bianca was super emo can. haha. i really didn't expect her to be like that. haha. not that it's bad. her outfit was super cool okay! next time shall go shopping with her or something :D hahaha. although i doubt my mum would allow me to wear anything like that :/ ugh. so annoying. i hate my mum when she's being such a traditionalist. yeah anyway i don't care i'm going to go on a shopping craze after o levels and buy whatever i like and not care about what my mum says. hopefully. if i don't get killed by her first. yepp :D

yesterday, my brother went to the pc show and bought loads of stuff back. he helped me to buy microsoft office and sims 3 :D yay. i promise not to get addicted to sims 3 until after o levels. seriously, i promise. i'm not going to let this affect my studies. otherwise all my motivation would be for nothing. but really, thanks loads to my brother (: it sucks how i don't know whether to love him or hate him sometimes, because of how he's nice sometimes and mean sometimes. it's still more to the hate side right now, just for your information. but i guess this did help to balance some stuff out. he actually called to ask if i wanted anything :D even though i DO have to pay him back for the stuffs. and my dad heard that i got my brother to buy microsoft office and he said that he'd help me pay my brother for that. although i'm still going to pay the full price, otherwise my brother will think it's unfair again :/ feel bad enough because i'm always getting new stuff and he isn't. but anyway, i just felt like a really lucky girl last night, the feeling of being loved by my family :D and even though i'm often against my mum, i can say quite truthfully that it's mostly just because of how she's so traditional, because that's the only thing that gets on my nerves. hellooo she refuses to use a washing machine and the vacuum thing which can sweep the floor so much better and faster, yet she complains about how she's always so tired from doing housework. it just doesn't make sense to me.

went out to cwp to walk around with wanjane in the afternoon. spent almost 2 hours walking around :D haha. which was really fun. i seriously need to get that violin and instrumental albums. i am dead serious this time. i don't care if i don't get my linkin park album, but i really need to get those 2 albums. if i don't get them, i'll just die. maybe i'll go get them tomorrow or next monday or something. will be going out on sunday with my parents if it isn't raining. and maybe my brother if he wants to come along. yay~ i must play with the camera either today or tomorrow, before we go out. haven't used it in ages. and i want to go buy books next week! there's this student special thing. oh crap i think i'm going to go broke. oh wells. shall ask my dad if he wants anything :D maybe i can get something for him for father's day. haha. oh but is that bias since i didn't really get anything for my mum for mother's day? but well, she doesn't read books so :/ haiz. yeah i'm really going to be broke. i still owe my brother money for the microsoft office and sims 3. oh wait. maybe i can pay half of the sims 3 only since he's playing too. yay. after o levels, i'm going to earn some more money to use for buying more stuff. feel quite high now :D yay.



and my violin lessons are progressing alright so far. my teacher actually didn't scold me on wednesday leh! i was like o.O wow. because i concluded that he gets into a really bad mood when the exam is looming nearer. it happened last year too, you know. so yeah. i thought that it was an improvement, the fact that he didn't scold me and talk about rubbish, but instead gave constructive criticism. so much better. shall try and work on it. really, i mean it. even though i haven't practised violin today yet :/ haha ^^" but really, i want to pass this exam. i don't know which to put at top priority. studies or violin. studies would be the obvious one, but you know, my violin fees aren't very cheap and i really really don't want my parents' money to just go to waste. so i really really want to pass this exam. i can't imagine what would happen if i don't. just like how i can't imagine what would happen if i don't get 6 points for o levels. i'm hopeless, i know. but i just can't bring myself to think of what would happen if things don't go the way i want them to. just like how coming to st nicks wasn't what i expected or planned at all. maybe thats why i haven't been really happy in here. but that's what you get if you don't work hard. i can't believe i still haven't learned my lesson after all this time. 4 years, and i'm still the same. arrogant little brat who refuses to work hard.

is it so hard to walk along the road to self-discovery?



i don't want to quit playing the violin after all. i guess i knew it all along. that i wanted to keep playing. but how can i do so if i don't even practise? how can i keep playing the violin if i'm not up to standard? i can't. it's just not right. if i want to play the violin, then i really have to put my heart into it. perhaps it's because i'm scared of giving my heart away. that's why i don't want to play with my heart. i'm afraid that, if playing the violin becomes too precious to me, i'll lose it one day and just give up on everything else. aren't i? i just don't want to admit that i'm afraid. not to myself, at least. but somehow, bit by bit, i feel as if it's pulling my heart away from me. what am i struggling for? when i know that it's impossible to resist? you can't ignore something that you love. no matter how painful it is, no matter how much torture lessons are, no matter how badly i play. i finally understand how much i love the violin and that it's not going to be possible for me to stop playing the violin. so why can't i just play it well? there's something stopping me from putting my heart into it and i need to find out what.

i think i'm feeling quite philosophical today. weird, huh? no, seriously. weirddd.

anyway, i was just thinking about how some people really think of this world too simply. because i just realised how the world's not that simple actually. it's a whole web of complications. and somehow everyone has their place in here, and every single person belongs on this world. yet, sometimes we don't really think about what others might think. as in, we don't try to look at things from their view. maybe we should try doing that more often. it really helps, i guess. letting you understand the world just a little bit more. but you know, you'll never know what that stranger beside you is really thinking. it might be something on the lines of 'i want an ice cream.' or 'my boss is so annoying.' or 'where should i plant the bomb?' i guess what i really want to say is that, the world's too complicated for us to understand. and even though i know i can't understand it, this is something which really pulls me in, and just makes me so curious to know more about. maybe you would be better off not knowing all these things. but i really really want to know. more about the world, that is. i want to understand the world and the people in this world, but i doubt i'll ever get there.

i've decided that my idol shall be my dad. i've thought about it through and i really can't name anyone else. i guess it might be because i'm closer to my dad and probably understand him better than perhaps a random actor or singer who seems cool. but not only that i guess. the very fact that he can manage everything so well, it really really makes me respect him. i don't think i've respected anyone this much before. my dad has surprisingly high EQ and IQ, for somone who only studied up to an o level standard. not only that, i think he's really good in terms of how he can be so confident of himself. and yet, when he makes a mistake, he admits it and moves on, and he just looks damn cool doing that. not many people can do that, i guess. not many people can move on so smoothly and fluently knowing that they've screwed up something. and yes, he has this extremely vast pool of experience and knowledge that can bring him really really far. something that i've always been envious of, i guess. i wonder how he did it. become like that. plus, he manages his work and family and friends well, which is something quite hard for him to do considering how he is almost always busy. but it's just the fact that somehow, he finds time to do things, which really makes me wonder where he finds this much time. i mean, even though he does complain about not having enough time, it doesn't really show that obviously, you know. which is definitely more than i can say for myself. i guess this is why i look up to him so much and want to make him my idol. i want to be like my dad. someone who has his own style and flair, someone who has confidence and enthusiasm, someone who can handle so many things so well.

i guess many people don't really know how it feels like to be disabled. well, honestly, i don't. and honestly, if i get into a car accident tomorrow and lose my leg, i think i might just go into a state of depression for a really long time. which says a lot, i think, about normal people. all of us wouldn't want this kind of thing to happen to us, right? so what about the disabled? how must it feel to be like them? i don't know, but not knowing doesn't mean that i can't try to imagine how it would feel. and my imagination tells me it's not a good feeling. but you know what? those people, we have no idea how strong they are. people may think that they are weak and pitiful. perhaps, in a way. but what many people don't see is the strength of their mentality. and that is something that i'll probably never see clearly, unless i do get into a car accident tomorrow or something. we just have no idea how it feels like to struggle to live every day. so the only thing we can do is try to help them as best as we can, isn't it? if only we could stop all the hate and cruelty and wars in the world, and make it a place filled with love instead. wouldn't that be nice?



hey, even shuling said i sounded philosophical and bianca said something about an intellectual conversation! hahaha. and yeah shuling came back to st nicks today :D to study -__- haha. nevermind. felt good to see her after so long :D and i really just can't believe she's in j2 already and taking her a levels this year. time can really fly by when you're not looking out for it.

spent saturday doing maths. had that feeling of escaping from reality for a whole day. i just can't stick to my study schedule. it's too tedious, sciences and humanities - i can just faint from those. and yet, somehow i can just keep doing maths and maths and more maths. how pathetic. i'm just escaping from studying sciences and humanities. that isn't even considered studying. it's just taking the easy way out. memory-work too hard for you? oh it's alright, you can do maths. ugh. -pukes- i seriously need to stop running away from all of this. and then, sunday was brilliant. i used it to play the sims. like what the heck was i doing. not the whole day of course, but still, almost the whole afternoon. and for both days of the weekends, i wasted a lot of time watching tv - at least 5 hours. i am soo off schedule. quite expected, though. hopefully things will get better after tomorrow, yeah? and hopefully i can stop slacking and start studying. i realised that i'm always saying that but never doing it. haiz. well, i can't promise not to slack during this holidays, because i've already done so and i know i'm still going to do so. but at least i can try to even it out by studying hard for the first time in my life during a holiday, i guess?

went to trim my hair on sunday and i think it's the first time in a long while that i actually really like my hairstyle. now, the only thing i'm worried about is what happens when it grows long and i have to trim my hair again. wonder if the next hairdresser is going to ruin it? haha. oh wells. shan't worry about the future for now. not like i can do anything about it. went out to watch a movie today. thought it was quite nice (: didn't get a chance to watch angels and demons though ): it's showing in only a few cinemas now and they're too far for me [orchard?!] so it's like totally no way for me to get home in time to act innocent. so yeah, i guess i'll just have to watch it when it comes out on dvd or on tv. and i wanted to watch blood: the last vampire too! ): damn sad la. it's m18 leh. i mean, how bad can it be? at most nc16 right? haiz ): will probably be going out again on thursday to watch another movie. ^^" and again on sunday [no, not to watch a movie] if the weather is good to go to macritchie or something with my dad [and maybe my mum and possibly my brother] to canoe or [if somehow we're not allowed] to take photos and look retarded :D whoo~ sounds fun enough. should be enough fun to last me the rest of the holidays bah (:

my mum just got this singtel voucher and my dad asked me to see if i want to get a new phone but hellooo there aren't any nice yet reasonably priced phones. ugh ): well, there's one which kind of suits the requirements, but it's still kind of expensive ): how? i don't want to spend too much on it because i know that my parents have been spending a lot on me recently. [seriously. since the start of the year, it was like new computer desk, new table lamp, new wires, new computer, new hdd, new bag, new watch, new hairstyle - oh wait. is that counted? oh well, just new a lot of things. which i totally didn't even ask for! except the 'study area' thing. which totally doesn't require any money because i just need a table and some light! and apparently my mum just thinks that i asked for everything and since they got me everything i should feel thankful and start mugging like shit for o levels. which totally doesn't help because that doesn't make any sense at all! not to mention the fact that the computer can be a teeny bit distracting.] so anyway, the point is that i'm going to feel damn guilty if the handphone i choose is expensive [even though it's totally true that i didn't ask for this either! i told them after o levels. the voucher comes. they ask me to choose. how awesome.] so i have no idea what to do! the second best phone is even more expensive. and the third best is $0 which can't even be considered an option because like, hellooo, the voucher is there for a reason, right? what is their problem with new things?! ugh. i mean, yeah it's nice but this is starting to make me feel guilty even though i didn't even ask for anything. how annoying ): is that their new method of making me start studying, i wonder. by making me feel guilty? hmm. interesting question to contemplate :D

for now, i'm off to writing notes [not study notes though :/] to a couple of my friends :D whatever it is, jiayou for studies, everyone! let's all work towards this common goal, alright? :D ganbatte desu!



wanjane: thanks loads! (: yeah okay let's do that! :D must remember okay! if you forget i will kill you de hor! cos i really really want to go (:
shushien: hi shushien! if you ever read this, thanks a lot, really. (:



No bird soars too high
if he soars with his own wings.
- William Blake

i thought this was really motivating (: jiayou people!!!

today was quite a bad day, i would say. was especially pissed in the morning, from the start of school until around after recess. i was extremely mad at some people because of different reasons and also because i was just in a pissed mood. like ugh. stop dumping work on me, alright? as if i don't have enough to keep me troubled for the next few months already.

what do you know?
just for once, i wish everyone would just STOP.
if only the whole world could freeze in time.
just for a little while, please?
because i really really don't think i can take this any longer.

as if i don't have enough to worry about already.
as if i have all the time in the world,
as if i'm some kind of genius who can complete everything with a snap of my fingers.
well, I CAN'T.

if this goes on, i'm just going to break down.
already happening, actually.
every day i'm breaking out in cold sweat
worrying about everything in the world.
yet not having the ability to do anything about it.

time, please, i beg you, just stop for a while.
because i'm not going to be able to hold out much longer.



i guess today was a pissed and emo day. sucks. i don't like this feeling. it's a really hopeless feeling which leaves you tired and drained, empty of any belief or confidence in yourself. ugh. there were so many things which just didn't go right today. what a bother. and i just wasted the whole of tonight by turning on the computer. UGH. what the. i serioulsy need to stop doing this. you have no idea how glad i am that tomorrow is a saturday. all my plans are totally ruined. screwed up shit. i need time out, man. serious time out from my current life.

my blog is getting more and more filled up with rubbish. i cannot believe my eyes.