hahaha okay i WILL enquire about music lessons today. i will! must not forget! ): i keep forgetting to ask. damn. today's the last day of the month! T_T which also means that i need to enquire about all the shitty lessons before tomorrow because i want to start lessons from the start of the month :D craps shit. and i damnit need to find a violin teacher! ugh ): haiz was supposed to start the day studying physics but then right ): i came online to find someone and ended up installing games again :x shits. haha. reinstalling auditionsea because it's being weird on my desktop and i have time to spare. after that, going to install maplesea and warriors of the 3 kingdoms :D hahaha someone tell me i'm nuts. ohwells. addicted to asiasoft games :x

yesterday night was fun :D watched some thai movie called chocolate. if i'm not wrong it was m18 that's why i couldn't watch in cinema when it came out. about this autistic girl who's super zai at martial arts :D yay so cool :D actually wasn't planning to watch lah. but then i was reading about raging phoenix and then i know last time i actually wanted to watch chocolate but missed the chance so i just went internet to find loh. my mum watched most of it with me (: hahaha. she was standing around and said she had other things to do but couldn't help watching. my family likes watching action movies :D with lots and lots of fighting scenes :D we are sadistic people :D hahaha no luh we're not. only me :D oh wells okay i know my dad and mum and me likes fighting stuff, i'm not sure about my brother. he used to watch with us but not really any more. T_T i miss the times when my dad taught me how to fight. it was like super basic stuffs only but so fun! T_T i should totally ask him to teach me again but i don't dare to ask :x later he think i weird ^^" anyway i'm planning to go take wushu/taekwondo/aikido/judo or whatever shit there is in jc for cca :D yay :D can't wait! and i'm going to ignore those schools without such ccas. so there. preferably wushu or taekwondo but if no choice then anything else of that sort is fine i guess.

whoa crystal just got a new desktop luh. what the shits. that is like freaking fast. haha. so cool :D yepp now she can play her prototype and call of duty and whatever other games she wants to play but wouldn't work on her laptop. haha good for her :D going out on thursday to watch 2012 :D [i think i mentioned before but who cares] and hopefully go shopping too :x supposed to go jogging today but i woke up at 11.30am you think leh? unless i go in the evening but then when i come home my mum will start nagging so i'd rather not. okay okay off to do stuffs [like play games or watch dramas :D]



mx: so what if i'm crazy? (: haha no leh i wouldn't mind being an orphan actually.

hahaha i'm going to turn my desktop into some gaming pc liao luh :D starting to install a ton of games :D was playing dragonica yesterday on my dad's laptop. hehe so cute! :D 3d form of maplestory. and then i'm going to install maple and dragonica on my desktop and other random stuffs :D can't wait. hahaha you know my dad wanted to buy acer's 'predator' for my brother. predator looks super cool okay! [it's a desktop computer] it's like the appearance is damn :O ohmygod never see so cool computer before de :D hahaha. whee i wonder if we'll ever get it? ohwells. yeps. and while waiting for games to be installed into my computer, i'm also checking cristofori's branches. see if there's any which is very near my house. then can go and study music theory. still thinking about the electric guitar lessons though :x that one surely need to ask my parents first. and it's cheaper on weekdays, but then right :/ i dunno which day to put it on :/ because i scared when school starts then i'll be busy everyday. [which totally means that violin lesson will be killer =.= it's freaking in the middle of the week!] and then i'm thinking of changing violin lesson don't want study at ossia already but then i dunno if i should go cristofori or find a private teacher :x if at cristofori then need to have fixed time mah. but private teacher more expensive is it? :x dunno lehs.

okay a lot of stuffs to settle. i should go jogging tomorrow. or tuesday. not going out with crystal and yiinghuey on tuesday liao. changed to thursday because yiinghuey have to go to school on tuesday. haha craps. okay maybe tuesday i will grab someone to go watch raging phoenix with me :D yays. then jogging tomorrow loh. haven't gone swimming for ages T_T i'm scared that i'll be scared when i go swimming. seriously. you know the last time i went and both my feet cramped up? cramps are very scary ): i was so freaked out after that and then the next few weeks i got really paranoid and somehow keep feeling as if my feet are going to cramp any time. used to have feet cramps when i was younger too :/ like when i'm sitting in front of the fan reading a book then suddenly cramp. it's freaking bloody scary okay T_T i'll just stop whatever i'm doing immediately loh. so i'm afraid that it'll happen again the next time i go swimming. which is quite unlikely if i exercise and stretch first right. okay maybe i'll go next saturday or something, after jogging and stuffs. and i'll make sure i stretch properly and don't overdo the swimming thing. :/ scary scary. but i really really miss swimming a lot T_T

typing on my desktop is so much fun it makes a ton of noise :D like a typewriter. love the sound. although it sucks when my mum is sleeping or something because it might wake her up :x so it's better to use the laptop at night because it won't make as much sound. haha. okays off to find courses and do other stuffs :D i wonder if there's anywhere else i can learn electric guitar? hmms.

freaky dreams.

went to expo today to find crystal with yiinghuey and ate lunch from burger king while refugee-ing on the floor. also decided to go watch 2012 on tuesday. i think i need to go shopping on monday. anyone free? :x anyway, it was pretty crowded in there. grabbed a lot of brochures to go home and look through. crystal's cousin's hair is pretty cool :D i'm not kidding. arrived around 1pm and left around 2.30pm. pretty tired after that. can't believe i fell asleep on the train back :x i haven't slept in a train for ages. i hate going out sometimes because it makes me so tired which just sucks. i wish i was more normal :/ haiz. reached home around 4pm, realising that everyone was at home. haha. looked through the brochures after my shower and i want an ipod nano and headphones. my handphone's earphones somehow make my ears hurt. [physically, not the volume luh.] and of course, my dad wants his nikon camera. too bad i didn't see nikon around so i only grabbed canon brochure. ohwells.

my mum was thinking of ordering pizza for dinner and i agreed so we were looking online when my brother came out and as usual tried to get us to save money by telling us that his hospital bills might be quite expensive and that we shouldn't waste money on pizza. i cannot stand him sometimes. we have totally different views on spending money, so there. ugh. what the heck is wrong with pizza it's not like we eat it everyday. damn him luh. then in the end my mum decided to give in to him and cooked rice and went down to buy dishes. what the shits. i hate him. i have no appetite to eat proper meals at all. in fact i don't really feel like eating anything these few days :/ haha wanjane was telling me yesterday that i'm seriously anorexic. i'm not luh. believe me i'm really not. but dunno why these few days don't really have much appetite. i think it was the many visits to hospital. i hate hospitals and it's made me feel in a foul mood this whole week i think. and what better way to go against my mum than by not eating? :x if that even makes sense to you. she's quite particular about taking all your meals and more.

actually i think there's a lot of stuff to say but i'm not really in the mood to mention them right now. still in a foul mood from the short quarrel with my brother just now. i don't see why he has to be so stingy on spending money. i want to move out of this bloody house now. if i have to live with these people for the rest of my life, i will die from anger and frustration. in fact, come to think of it, almost everyone wants to move out of this house. except maybe my mum. so maybe it's because of our mum? i don't know. we should all just move out and live in different places. we don't exactly belong together.

going to game for the rest of the night or something. wanted to study physics but my brother just annoyed me and i have no mood to study right now. damn him. oh shits there's something wrong with my brain now. i've been typing a lot of wrong words in this post. must be lack of sleep. all thanks to my brother. freaking damn him. damn my whole family, in fact. i just want to get out of here quickly. has anyone seen a boarding school anywhere?

sometimes, i really wish i didn't have a family.



oh did i mention? i really really hate talking when i don't feel like it.
will you freaking STOP making me talk when i don't want to?!




because every time it seems as if everything's fine and back to normal,
someone will screw it all up, ruin everything,
and we have to start all over again.

i'm sick and tired of building bonds with you guys,
because you know, nothing ever goes right,
and all that hard work and effort just goes down the drain eventually.

just leave me alone, alright?

heyhey :D











yay now i have a huge pile of books to be read. which is kind of :/ shits. but i guess digging them out represents the start of this long journey. oh wells. wish me luck reading that pile plus the 6 library books and 2 books borrowed from tg. i am sooo dead :x how the hell did i manage to drag myself into this mess?



okay going to singapore expo with yiinghuey tomorrow to find crystal. since crystal's working there until sunday. going to eat lunch together and then walk around IT fair a bit :D yay. and if i'm nice i shall go over to novena and help peishan fill out some random survey. yupps okay so my life is not so screwed after all. everything seems to be going uphill after my brother got discharged :D hahaha. actually monday i wanted to go watch movie :/ but then i was thinking the movie can wait and maybe i'll go shopping instead :x seriously need to buy new clothes soon, especially if i'm going out often during holidays or going to work or something. either way i need new clothes. maybe i'll find someone to go bugis with me or something. oops i don't think i have shopping friends :x haha craps. shall ask around bah.

OH YAH I SUPPOSED TO ASK ABOUT THE LESSONS. shits. must remember tomorrow. i keep forgetting. damn it. and i need to find a way to dig out money :x craps. if i get desperate i might start selling rubbish in my house. hahaha :D hope not luh. anywhere i can find a decent job offer? :x i haven't been able to apply for any jobs this whole week because i wasn't free and super tired from going sgh almost every day. hope next week will be a better week :x in the meantime, saturday and sunday shall hopefully be spent well :D

okay off to sleep liaos. hopefully can wake up early tomorrow and start working on physics book, followed by philo or something. if i have enough time :x i'm still suffering from lack of sleep - haven't replaced it yet because my mum forces me to wake up early. did you know? if i'm tired from the previous day, i usually wake up around 12nn the next day. my mum has been waking me up at 9am which is nuts D: 3 hours of sleep just going poof! like that. how sad ): okay okay off to sleep. goodnight! :D

random picture i took while going home after buying dinner that day. [thursday i think?] the sunlight was shining down in a streak across the building and the sky was baby blue and it was all really pretty :D too bad the picture doesn't look as pretty as the real thing though :/

i swear, blogger is getting problematic ): now every time i add pictures, the paragraphing totally screws itself up. annoying shits. it didn't use to be like that D:

went to visit my brother AGAIN today. sian diao ): it's super boring there okay T_T he's like some annoying freak who refuses to communicate with you so it sucks when you go visiting. anyway, apparently he's being suspected of having autism. well, if he does have autism, he must have some really really superrr high-end autism. is it even possible to become autistic while you're growing up, by the way? because he didn't seem to have it when he was younger. how queer. oh wells. his company gave him this METAL basket of fruits. i repeat, METAL. totally :O plus it can't be carried since it doesn't have a handle. oh wells. brought along the laptop for him to use today. there's internet there, so :D i guess. hardly saw him today because i went into the lounge area to sit and read my book and ignore everything around me especially my mum.




talked to another psychologist/psychiatrist again today. i conclude that they are usually friendly and interesting people. wonder if that's what you get after reading all those books on people behaviour. does your own behaviour improve? or change? does reading all those affect the reader? probably, right. maybe the reader will be more self-conscious or something, become a more outspoken person perhaps? aw come on, psychologists/psychiatrists are usually outspoken and friendly people because they need to be able to communicate with patients, right? fun fun :D my dad luh. asking me to go read up on psychology these days. =.= actually he ask me to do that very long ago liao. in sec 2 or something already told me. i shall go dig up one of his books on psychology, dust it, and start reading! :D i think it's going to be fun :D

as for other aspects of development [ugh i sound like some freak analyst], i'm going to try finding a job if possible. if not, then i'll just stay at home and help out, which i won't regret either. either way is fine with me, as long as the working hours [if i get a job] don't cut into my violin lesson [which is freaking damn unlikely] and don't take up too much time. will remind myself to ask about music lessons by this week. hope all goes well and i find the lessons and bonus points for me if i find a new violin teacher.

and then saturday i doubt i'm going for cca farewell luh. i guess the 'excuse' i'll use is that my mum doesn't allow me to go. but i think deep down inside i'm actually glad that i 'can't' go. i don't know. it just feels a bit of a relief, that i won't be going, so i concluded that i don't want to go. somehow i think i'd feel quite out of place if i go :x oh wait i think it's not that i don't want to go. it's just that i don't want to go there and start feeling awkward. hate that feeling mans. ohkay ignore this paragraph. if anyone brings this up to me i will kill that person.

did i mention that i have 6 library books to finish? working on it. 17/20 of a book done so far. i like dividing stuffs up :D that day i was counting the steps between the doors of emergency ward. it's 5 and 11/20 of my sandal. okay i must be nuts. but it's fun, really, to gauge stuffs.




freaking reality real dreams. damn it luh. getting confused between dreams and reality. my dreams are getting really real. you have no idea. nowadays i wake up every morning wondering if my mind is going nuts or trying to predict my future. i'm freaking dreaming about what i'm going to do the next day! who the heck does that! wtfh i'm getting freaked out by my dreams luh. it's so cool but damnit scary. oh god do i need to start seeing a psychiatrist?




okay not going to ktv tomorrow liao T_T shits. jessica can't make it and darice probably not coming, so i suggested watching a movie, but jac didn't want to spend money on movie, so in the end we just called the whole thing off. wanyee's thinking of going to apply for jobs tomorrow and i felt so tempted to follow her, but i didn't. i don't know why either. somehow all the arrangements went wonky and ended up deciding to go watch movie with wanjane tomorrow instead of monday, since monday cannot really make it. we're watching 2012.

going to ask someone to go watch movie with me on monday if possible. i'm dying from going to the hospital everyday. i want to watch raging phoenix! anyone wants to watch with me? ): please? i can't find people to watch this new and weird kind of movie with me. comedy and action and mystery all that can find people watch with me. cartoon i don't watch, even though i know a ton of people who like to watch them and always ask me along to which i usually refuse. horror i don't remember going to cinema to watch before. but this kind is like whaaat? it's the kind of movie that i will watch at home with my dad :D haha and he'll start going on about how girls can do just as well as guys, i suppose. that's him, my cool dad who totally supports me :D haha. they're both sexist, my parents. well, my dad's not against guys but he is for girls and my mum's against girls. they should totally do a opinion reversal mans. oh wells.

oh oh leon's going to tokyo today. today as in thursday night. thursday night as in he's probably already on the plane now or landing soon or something. coolios :D couldn't pass him his present after all, so i'm going to pass it to him after he comes back. which is a super long time later. he's going for a whole week. good for him :D i told him to get a souvenir for my birthday present, since i couldn't think of one :/ haha nevermind it'll be fun. he wants ankle socks. haha :D no problemo :D but he's only going to come back next friday, so i guess i can only pass him his present next next week. haish.

yay just talked to my kor [kenneth] on msn :D very long never talk to him liao. months and months and ages D: haha nevermind. whee so fun :D okay ignore me. i need to start doing serious stuffs soon, but i can't do them if i'm waking up so bloody freaking early every morning and coming home in the late afternoon or evening everyday and realising that it's almost time to sleep by the time i finish dinner and slack off my time. shits lah. i need time to organise my thoughts. the kind of time that is going to be very hard to get with all this rubbish around me. in fact i feel so strained by all this recent happenings. feeling like a rope being pulled taut, feeling like i'm being strangled by all this stuff, as if there are explosions going off every few metres around me. i need a freaking break. i can't believe all this shit is coming to me after o's.

i need OUT.





how did you do that?
come so suddenly and step into my life like it was nothing at all
touched my heart as if it was the simplest thing to do
and somehow you never realised what you'd done to me
as i stand here watching you from afar

because every time you appear, i'd be looking at you
but you wouldn't notice. you never noticed.
and every time you walk away is like looking at a star fading out of my life
so scared to lose it, yet unable to make it stay
when all i can do is to stand here and watch.

is this love? indebtedness? or just deep admiration for someone who touched my heart so easily?

someone tell me, please.

i concluded that i hate hospitals. which also means that never in my life would i want to be a doctor or a patient. bleh. kind of pity my brother, really. being in that kind of ward must suck. my mum went to visit him today [while i stayed at home and continued screwing up my life] and came back saying that he didn't sleep well last night and wants to go home. ever since he changed wards, huh. yeah, that ward really sucks. there's like a ton of people in the same huge room, so although it's huge, it's full of people and noise and random rubbish thoughts flying around. haha i'm saying it as if i can hear those thoughts. uh well no i can't, but you can feel it, you know. a whole mess of humans in one place. ugh. i hate that. i'm not a crowd person. i hate crowds. oh please i can hardly bear to squeeze into packed mrts or buses. it just makes me feel so icky. and when people bump into me in crowded areas, you can almost hear my brain exploding with curses. so yeah, i'd never go to a hospital as a patient, for that matter. and i really pity my brother for having to be there. life must suck there, huh. with nothing to do and a ton of people around you.

getting a day off from going to the hospital is bliss. well, not really, but so much better. wanted very much to nap because i know i'm not getting enough sleep, but i didn't. enough sleep = a lot a lot of hours, for that matter. for me only, i guess. a trip to the hospital is like torture. i don't want to go again T_T haiz. i have a bad feeling that i need to go again tomorrow, though. ugh. i don't want to ): i'm tired and sleepy and my limbs are aching and all i want to do is sleep for 20 hours straight and wake up after that feeling refreshed. not going to happen, though. i wish my mum would stop taking leave. it's getting annoying having someone waking you up so freaking early when you don't want to wake up one bit. messed up my day again by playing sims for almost the entire afternoon, only stopping when my mum came home and then going to practise violin and going off for lesson. ugh. my lesson sucked ):

i thought i could be free during the holidays. it appears that i was wrong. have a whole truckload of shit to deal with. the first being my brother stuck in hospital. visiting him sucks. he's not a very nice patient, for that matter. you go there, you stone, you come home. how fun. and i wonder if my dad knows. i don't think my mum told him yet. hmms. interesting (:

went to the library after violin today to find books. and i almost got it too! just that some guy took it from the shelf less than a minute ago! T_T damn it luh. i reached the shelf just as he left, and i knew he took stuff from the row of books because it was the only messed up row. after that i couldn't find my book, and i was like thinking damn it that guy got my book! ugh. and then i felt so tempted to go after him and ask if i could have the book. lols ^^" [fyi, no i didn't do that luh. although i really really really REALLY wanted that book.] and it must have been him because after checking the shelf a couple of times, i went to check the book status on the computer. not on loan. interesting. maybe it's somewhere else. went back 3 minutes later and checked it again. on loan. DAMN IT. damn that guy ): now i can't read that book. it's a series thing, so T_T i hope he returns the book soon.

eating rubbish again. macs for dinner. ugh. my mum bought so i just ate. i seriously need to go exercise soon. but i can't if my mum makes me go to the freaking hospital everyday to visit this freaking anti-social patient who refuses to communicate with you so much so that you go there just to waste time. from next week onwards, the most i'm going to visit him is once a week. i have my life to lead, okay. and going to the hospital is draining a lot a lot of energy from me so the best way to stop this energy leak is to stop going there.

and i still haven't decided whether to go for cca farewell. i've always went, i think. but my mum... ugh. it's ALWAYS my mum! i wish i didn't have such a troublesome mum like that. WHY does she have so many issues about me going out? none of my friends are like that loh. they can all go out whenever they want, as long as it's not late into the night. i can't even go out in the freaking afternoon! don't care luh. friday going to go ktv :D it'll be my first time leh :D haha. if i go/if it's on friday loh. hope it is (: and saturday is un-confirmed cca farewell. monday probably going to watch movie with wanjane. if nothing goes wrong. i swear, something always goes wrong. oh wells.

getting weird dreams these few days. reality check. my dreams are getting super freaky because they're getting very very VERY real. and i mean reality real. yesterday i was thinking about not having anything on for the rest of the week. and then i dreamt that my friends invited me to this gathering on thursday. and apparently there was an invitation for wednesday too but i rejected it because i had violin lesson [wts. violin lesson should totally get out of my dreams.] and then i supposedly already had plans on friday or something. and then the gathering on thursday was some class clique thing and it was quite interesting and weird luh. ehh that day [the day before i went shopping with jac to buy dress for grad night] i dreamt that i asked jac where she bought her cheap & nice dress and she said ion orchard and i was like :O there where got so cheap? and she say have and dragged me there to see. wts right. totally weird but so... real. i mean, who the hell dreams about ion orchard and takes into consideration that they have violin lesson so they can't go for a gathering? in a DREAM? ugh weirdness.

and i freaking still haven't asked about music lessons! damn it. i need to ask really really soon. and if i'm going to quit violin lessons or change to another teacher, i need to tell them by next week because they need a month's notice in advance. shittos. [ooh new word :D] how lehs. shall call up to ask about lessons by this week i guess. i don't think i'll have enough money for electric guitar though T_T see how bah. i really want. anyway i borrowed 3 more books today, after returning 2 and devil may cry [i miss it already ): even though it's in my computer ^^"] okay off to slack and screw up my life even more. tata~



mx: HEY. i'm not unintelligent okay. -rolls eyes-

my life is getting so screwed up. all thanks to my brother getting himself into hospital. i hate him for getting admitted into that place, but i guess i hate my mum even more for making me go with her to visit for sooo long. yesterday we went around 7 or 8pm and came home past 11pm. today, we left the house around 11.30am and what time did we come home? a freaking 8pm. what the freak la. totally screwing up my life. ugh. and she's going again tmr! i'm not going to go luh. no way mans. i don't care if my mum is sick. i'm not going to go there just to stone for hours and then come home.

my feet hurt and my shoulders are aching ): because i was standing around there for hours and my mum just had to bring so many rubbish stuff for my brother and dump them all into MY bag which totally killed my shoulder. oh please, my friends all know that i hate to carry heavy textbooks to school and i hate carrying a heavy bag. that's why i almost never bring science and math textbooks to school at all. i just leave them at home to rot. they're freaking heavy okay. ugh. and then i had to carry that heavy load for almost the entire day :O -horrified- what the heck.

oh and will you believe it. my dad doesn't know that my brother has been in the hospital for a night and a day. haha quite funny right. i guess he'll find out later when he asks why my brother's not at home. oh wells. today's lunch was taken at the hospital - chicken rice. and dinner was bread that i bought home. haiz. my mum wanted to take dinner there but i totally disagreed. after my brother was transferred from the emergency ward [for observation, not real emergency luh.] to the normal ward, i was totally grossed out by the place. i guess i just don't like places with a lot of people. ugh i was so freaked out after that that i decided i wouldn't come visit my brother again. well, maybe i will after all, but i know i definitely won't like it. freakyyy.

i miss the emergency ward ): there's one room to each patient and it's big and spacious and the guy in the bed opposite my brother is cool because he understands his own condition very well [he was telling the nurse what his blood pressure should be since his 'attack' or whatever was over.] and he was talking to his children about george bush and iraq and kuwait and whatnot shits. cool right! :D he has one son and one daughter, both older than me and my brother i think. i think he makes a cool dad :D haha. and he's really friendly too. when my brother was transferring wards, he stood there and looked on and my mum was talking to him and he was saying that he tried talking to my brother too but didn't really get much response and then he was asking us to take care and stuff. coolios. i swear you hardly find people like this in the normal wards. anyway most of the people in the normal wards in the hospital are elderly folk.

my brother is being suspected of needing psychiatric treatment, i think. because apparently the doctor who talked to him referred him to the doctors in charge of psychiatric cases and they came over today to talk to my mum and then my brother. quite interesting luh. they just think he's a bit weird because he talks soft and muffled when replying questions and doesn't really look at people when talking. hmm. is that very weird? dunno. they asked us if there was anything weird with him, and other stuffs. don't worry, doctors, my brother's not autistic or anything, he just has a really huge ego, so much so that he doesn't like talking to unintelligent people. that's the best way i can put it in, i guess.

later on, one of the doctors [psychiatry] came back to talk to my brother again.
doctor: is there a change when you are at home and at work?
brother: quite.
doctor: what do you mean? do you find it taxing?
brother: yah, it's quite taxing at home.

did you read the last two words? at home. hahahaha don't go nuts. it IS taxing to be at home. then after that my brother refused to say any more in front of us and told the doctor that he didn't want us to listen in. i was quite upset about that, but it made me wonder if he didn't want my mum or me to hear it. i do hope it was because he didn't want our mum to hear it. i don't think i'll be able to stand it if he meant me. oh wells :/



okay! enough of rubbish hospital stuffs. if i have to be a doctor when i grow up [which i don't want to], the only occupation i'm fine with would be a psychiatrist. i'm dead serious. psychiatry would be fun, i guess. but still, i don't want to be a doctor. i don't want to be a doctor or lawyer or teacher or accountant or anything of that sort. anything normal, i guess. hahaha. i don't want to be anything normal. hmm. interesting thought.

okayyy prom pictures are up on facebook liao. well, quite a few, at least. you can go see if you want (: still waiting to see more, but i didn't take too many pictures, so yeah. me, the anti-social freak. haha no luh kidding. must be my brother loh. so anti-social then make me anti-social too. ugh. i can't believe we're all in the same family, the four of us. i mean, sometimes you just find that we're sooo different, you can't imagine us having the same genes or DNA or whatever. like my brother and my mum, who totally can't communicate because one is like a freaking genius while the other is some clueless nut. and my dad and my brother, because my dad is like some super high EQ person who is very sociable while my brother is this low EQ and anti-social freak. but thinking about it, i guess they do have something in common. my dad and brother, that is. they both don't like unintelligent people. which brings me back to my point of my family being elitist. ugh. stupid elitist people who are making me elitist too.

reading blue noon, midnighters is driving me nuts. read it for the whole day and i still haven't finished. it's giving me a headache [not literally :x] because it's getting messed up inside there and i don't want to put myself in the centre of that mess. won't be reading it again until tomorrow or sometime later. i need a break from that. maybe i should go play sims. hmm. anyway i told my mum that i'm not going tomorrow and she asked me to go on thursday. whattt. ugh. aiyaaa why is she like that! when we just go there to stone! =.= and ohmygosh 'on the first beat' [hongkong drama, sequel of 'the academy'] is on tv now and it's just ended and the ending song is super nice! :O awesomeness! :D someone get me that song please? haha and i will love that person a lot :D it's a super nice song okays! :DDD

off to do stuffs. don't think i'll be typing my novel. can't seem to get any nice ideas recently. mindblock? haiz. must be because of the stupid hospital. ugh. i don't want to go visit again T_T

okay i'm not supposed to be blogging but helping my mum check something. oh wells. can't check it anyway. i can't login because i forgot the number. craps. hey at least i can remember the password ^^"

going to visit my brother again today. i don't know why the heck is my mum so worried about him. it's not like the first day we know he's sick anyway. i had to wake up early at 9.30am when i slept at 2 plus am [reading my book ^^"] and she actually plucked out the pistachio nuts' shell for him and made me make cashew nuts. his favourites loh.

and then yesterday night she spoilt his ns badge by pulling it too hard and now it's broken. and she was like saying that he'd surely shout at her so she asked me to say that i broke it. because anyway, i was the one who had said 'just pull lah' when she asked me how to take out the badge. oh please. the badge is sooo freaking easy to pull out i don't see how she could have been so dumb and spoilt it by pulling the whole thing when you're just supposed to pull out the top part. ugh. and now i have to take the blame for it. wtf. no one has ever asked me to take the blame for them for something before, although i have lied quite a few times when my mum asked me to. but not this way, not by taking the blame. i feel so... wronged. ugh. not that i won't do it - i know my brother will probably go nuts if he knew it was my mum who spoilt his badge. he's angry enough with her already. yesterday night he was asking her to go away when we visited him and telling her that i should come alone today and she should just stay at home. lols. still, i'll take the blame but i guess i hope that someday my brother will figure out that it wasn't me who spoilt his badge. besides, i'm not so dumb as to spoil that stupid badge which is so freaking easy to take out =.= i don't want to be wrongly accused of something that i didn't even do. i hope he finds out soon :x [but no, i won't tell him because i agreed to take the blame for my mum.]

haha yesterday my mum was telling me that my brother's closer to me, at home before we went to the hospital. and i was thinking, yeah, DUH. i mean, according to my brother's logic, which is probably something like: avoid stupid people, it's obvious why he's not close to her at all. at least i'm glad that i'm on good terms with everyone in the family. most of the time, anyway. they seldom have quarrels with me - it's usually between them.

and my mum's annoyed at me again because i can't remember the stupid number. is that my job or something? why does she expect so much? ugh. she says that my brother would have been able to remember it. DUH. he has near-photographic memory and a super high IQ which i don't. ugh. i wish she'd stop comparing us. and she is so freaking sexist she says that girls should help out more in the house and guys don't need so it's totally okay when my brother doesn't do anything but i need to do everything. don't you think that is just so freaking unfair. this is the 21st century for goodness sake. modern day. i wonder what age she's living in. hmm.

off to visit my brother. i see emails from facebook :D but can't look at them now. see you later!

ugh. what the heck is my brother's problem. nothing better to do, then have to go and get admitted into hospital. at the same time when my mum is sick some more. damn it luh. disturb me for rubbish stuff. now i need to follow my mum to sgh to collect his stuff. what a bother. and i was halfway typing my novel! ugh. shall bring paper to write down ideas for my novel on the way bah. ughhh my brother is sooo troublesome. and i haven't even eaten dinner ): damn him. okay off to sgh now. bleh.

okay umms blogger totally drove me nuts yesterday D: but i'm glad i'm done with that post. slept at 3.20am :O and woke up at 12.45pm today :D hehe. i love sleeping :D

anyway, a few more random stuff about grad night before i move on. uhh oh yah. i think the coolest person there was eileen, who looked damn punk with her hair and shoes and whatnot :D thumbs up! cutest was bianca in her anime costume. most interesting was cleo with clothes that looked like she bought it off a fashion runway. prettiest was wanyee who looked like a princess :D and weirdest was this girl [don't know her name] who had some kind of costume which looked like you'd only see in the tv or something. okay nevermind no one knows what i'm talking about now :x okay yup that's about all. wonder how long it'll take before i start getting emails saying that i've been tagged on facebook :/



my mum's really sick now. she had to take leave again today :/ yesterday night her eyes were all red. i don't really like the fact that she's at home ): how sick can she be when she's still nagging at me as usual? :x anyway i think she should just stop bothering us. she can make small issues into super big issues. like cooking dinner and washing our clothes. we didn't even ask her to cook dinner, so she should just stop nagging at us for not helping her. just don't cook luh! if you don't cook, we'll just cook our own dinner, duh. and no one asked you to handwash clothes. we have a washing machine, for god's sake. just use the freaking machine luh. ugh =.= my mum really gets on my nerves sometimes. anyway, my parents quarreled again on sunday :/ haiz. modern dad vs traditional mum. oh wells.

anyway my mum's starting to complain that i'm not doing anything at home nowadays so i should go get a job. still considering luh. i mean, if i really get a job, what about going out and lessons and stuff? ): and i still need to enquire about lessons. damn it. i should start soon. stop slacking around, huh. planning to start on my novel today :x hope it works out well. have bits and pieces littered around in my head. i should jot them down soon, huh. i have no idea what my novel will be about. have 3 ideas but haven't chosen yet :/ and i need to practise my guitar soon too. it's getting dusty :x besides that, i still have 4 library books and 2 borrowed books to clear and more library books to borrow. not to mention that i need to start self-learning a lot of stuff. craps. i should really really make a list. otherwise i'm going to be one disorientated kid.

off to do stuff, since there's nothing much to blog about liaos :x waiting for photos to be uploaded on to facebook, i guess. maybe i'll go jogging tomorrow if i'm not so tired. tata~

random rubbish like my necklace and the invitation card for cca farewell and a feather that came off my mask. hehe :D

i freaking had to retype the whole top part because blogger is driving me nuts. wtfh. and you have no idea how freaking screwed up the html for this post is. ugh.

okay off to sleep liao. my mum's going nuts. night!

ended up in front of the computer playing sims again last night. haha. what a retard, right. oh well. i totally feel like i'm wasting my time away.

note to self: do something useful please.

woke up late today [i don't know what time but it was definitely past 10am. probably past 10.40am, if i didn't remember wrongly. probably 11 plus? no idea.] and loitered around [yes you can loiter at home :D] doing nothing much. or rather, stupid things. and then went out with my mum around 12 [hopefully. i didn't see the time] to go shopping at cwp. went straight to metro to look for shoes. haha. anyway, after quite a while i managed to get a nice pair of shoes :D yay me. i think i spent about an hour? i always take superrr long to shop de. and then went to get some other stuff for grad night which took a short while, and then bought lunch and headed home. 2.10pm while waiting for the mrt. yay i didn't take too long :D

arrived home, took a shower, went back to reading maximum ride :D hee. it's addictive! i can't wait to find the second book to borrow :O after i read finish the first book, it didn't feel like i had read anything finish yet, because i wanted to start on the second book immediately and find out what happens next. suspense, huh. T_T anyone wants to buy the series for me? hahaha :D i shall put it on my wishlist later and get it when i have enough money :D some evil person tore out 4 pages from the book! T_T i almost cried. okay that was a lie. i was nowhere near crying. but i was sooo frustrated that i missed that part. damn you ungrateful person who tore it out. I NEED TO READ THOSE 4 FREAKING PAGES. shall go searching the library catalogue later :D maybe i can find another book at the library, or at another library. 4 freaking pages and it feels like i missed out on the whole plot already ): haiz. the book has a funny sense of humour :D hee.



okay. so basically i've got everything for grad night already. except my hair. freaks ): don't know what to do with it. still thinking. oh wells. hahaha my mum was telling me to go to a hair stylist. she thinks i can't do anything nice to my hair. helloooo the only person making my hair look terrible is herself because she makes me tie it all up every single time i walk out of the house. so much for style. no wonder she needs a hair stylist huh. and haha my dad was telling me to find a makeup artist. i wish i could too you know. too bad you need to pay for that kind of service. not that i'm broke or anything. i'd have probably found a hair stylist and makeup artist too - if not for the fact that my mum has told me a gazillion times that i've wasted a ton of money on this stupid grad night. yeah right. i spent less than a hundred and fifty. isn't that quite alright? :x anyway my dad used to run this makeup cum phototaking place which was quite cool, so yeah :D he was telling me to go to a makeup artist but i told him i couldn't because of - you know who, my mum. now all i need to do is come up with an idea to do my hair. which i've already thought of! but it's not working because it doesn't turn out the way i want it to ): haiz. i'll keep trying i guess (:

yay finally. tomorrow's finally grad night. i can't wait for it... to be over! haha. what did you think i was going to say? i can't wait for it? yeah, right. it's making me go nuts. and i've spent so much on it, i don't think i have enough left to buy my bicycle and electric guitar lessons and theory lessons and new wardrobe of clothes and stacks of books and mp3 and music cds. bleh ): but anyway, here's a list of people i need to find tomorrow to take pictures with! :D hope it'll be easy to find people tomorrow :/
- crystal & yiinghuey (:
- wanyee, jac, jessica, darice [sec 2 classmates (:]
- zhuangyun, bianca, josie [must take picture with bianca and her anime costume! :D]
- garwai [same dress! :D]
- huishan, melody, jessalyn, debbie, [ooh i realised they're all my ex-table partners] alison, sharon, etc.
- wenyi, caroline, munfoong [sec 1 classmates (:]
- random other people from other classes [if i can find them :/] like peishan, aikching, fionn, etc. :D

yay and after i clear this list i will find more random people to take photos with i guess (: hee. anyway i think i just created a theme for myself for grad night. outside of the main theme which is masquerade. anyway, appropriately, it should be called grayscale but that doesn't sound nice so what about black and white? hahaha reminds me of the taiwanese drama! :D which i loved to bits. okay then, black and white. why? because i'll be wearing a black and grey dress with black and silver shoes and 2 pendants, one black and one white, on a silver chain and holding a white masquerade mask and bringing a white pouch splattered with black and grey [and a bit of yellow but just ignore that alright? (:] see! totally black and white and silver and grey. quite amused about it myself, actually. it wasn't really on purpose you know. just, after getting the dress i started thinking of stuff to match it and somehow i ended up with this plus the pendants that i have are only black and white so haha nevermind. black and white ftw :D



i love it when my mum watches her tv programmes. it usually shuts her up so she stops nagging :D yay. still kind of worried about grad night but heck lah. i want to read maximum ride! T_T sobs. shall go to the library on monday or tuesday or something. after i get over stupid grad night. it feels like i'll finally be free after grad night :D yay. quite true luh (: can't wait till it's over! :D [haha! does it sound as bad as o levels? yep i think so.]

off to do stuff then. will post pictures after grad night! :D hopefully (:

as usual, so many things to do.

haven't changed my blogskin yet T_T i want a pretty blogskin! or maybe an emo one. haha hmm. oh yah plus i wanted to do the graduation stuff for farewell gifts but i haven't started yet. anyway i'm giving when we get back our results, so there. more than enough time to complete it. hopefully. ohmygosh someone go photographing with me pleaseee ): i'm in serious need of nice photos to use :D shall go take the sky and the water and city life :D sounds very tempting. maybe i should persuade my dad to bring me to orchard road at 12 midnight again to take photos. hmms. my dad says he wants to get a new camera. i don't know if he's going to.

too many things to do lehh. HAIZ. everything's so overwhelming.
just have to remember to take tiny steps. we'll get there (:

seriously considering getting a job now. previously i was more inclined towards the idea of helping my dad out, but now :/ hmm. i'll think again i guess. it's complicated. maybe if i find a job i might go. but i always have this need to do things with someone else. i guess i'm very reliant on my friends, on others. i can't do things on my own. should it be time that i learn? learn to do things on my own. but it sounds so scary. what happens when someone's not there to carry the burden with you. okay i'm veering off topic again. shits. just, trying to say that even if i find a job, i probably won't go for it unless i find someone else to go with me too. i feel so pathetic. pathetic little girl. a worthless reliant person who can't stand up on her own two feet. damn the hell of it.

too many choices.
too many decisions to make.

i'm so tired from everything. all i want to do is close my eyes and ignore the world. i don't want to make any more important decisions. i don't want to be responsible for all these choices. i'm too tired. my eyelids feel so heavy. i don't want to go on like this. just want to go to sleep, ignore everything here.

and sometimes i wish i could just sleep on forever and ever.



random stuff now, i guess. like that me and garwai have the same dress, but she edited hers. during grad night i shall take a photo with her :D it'll be fun. wanted to go shopping yesterday, but there wasn't anyone to go with me. today i went shopping at amk hub with garwai. still have stuffs to buy for grad night. what a bother, really. i can't wait until grad night is over. i want my sleep back. woke up early [well, late actually. was supposed to wake up at 6am but woke up at 6.40am ^^"] and went to school. YAWN. i was sooo freaking sleepy and they just had to take sooo long to decide on the performance. i mean, what's the point? we ended up with just 2 songs anyway and with no need to rehearse at all. wts. the actual deciding of performance only took up the last 5 minutes of the whole hour or so. damn it i freaking need my sleep luh. and since i don't nap in the afternoon and love the quiet of the night, the only way to get back my sleep is by waking up later.

[oops almost fell asleep while half blogging half sms-ing]

anyway, managed to get some more stuff for grad night today, so phew. more stuff covered at least. that's a relief. and then i was supposed to go eat dinner with wanjane later on actually but somehow i came home and felt totally beat. washed out. exhausted. dead. so i didnt go in the end :/ sorry wanjane! if i went, i'd probably be falling asleep while eating bah :/ i can do that you know :D when i'm really really tired and not very hungry, so food doesn't matter as much as sleep. why oh WHY in the world does our school have to give out such heavy stuffs today? T_T almost dislocated my shoulder in the process of carrying that 2 super heavy books in my sling bag D: in the end i reluctantly agreed to my mum offering to buy dinner for me. although i had decided that i was going to get my own dinner actually. bleh. see how reliant i am? ugh.

[ohmygosh i just pressed the send button on my handphone without realising it. luckily the sms was legible.]

okay off to do something to keep me awake, or sleep. YAWN.

not much time to blog :/ need to go sleep soon, before my mum wakes up. brief overview, then.

tuesday
didnt go to dhoby ghaut to get the laptop fixed after all. just called them and managed to fix the internet after a whole afternoon of reinstalling windows 7. yay :D felt pretty good about it after that (: wanted to go out and shop for shoes actually, but my mum was at home so i couldnt go out ): oh wells. was pretty lazy anyway. finished reading ghost hunter and autumn quest :D tried installing sacred 2: fallen angel onto my computer but somehow it didn't work T_T i think the disc has problems. damn sad okay. it looked like such a fun game! ): i might consider buying if i can find it anywhere and if it's not too expensive (: after it didn't work out, started playing sims 3.

wednesday
woke up and continued playing sims until around 6pm after my dad came home. went to practise violin then went for violin lesson. reached there early and returned the 2 library books that i finished reading on tuesday and the game which couldnt work. then went to look around for books before going off for violin lesson. after violin lesson [which started off alright but ended badly], went back to library and ended up borrowing 3 more books ^^" somehow i suddenly found a lot of nice books which i have been wanting to read, so yeah :D went home with a superrr heavy bag and almost died ): two of the books were super thick hardcover ones :/ haiz. came home and wow, my mum told me to go back down to buy bread =.= siannn. by the time i finally reached home it was almost 9pm and ate late dinner ): sigh. and then back to sims (:

thursday [supposedly today]
woke up early to go to school D: oh the horror and agony of waking up early just for school! haiz. arrived late but no one was doing anything yet, so =.= sat around reading my book and waiting for our turn to rehearse performance in front of teachers. our class changed the lyrics for hot and cold into an amusing one, but the teachers gave us a lecture on it [apparently it gives a negative impression of the teachers, so a big fat X at that and they told us to change our song or something.]. sian diao during the lecture, then after that had a good laugh at amusing people in my class who tried out weird stuff. hee :D finally left around 11 or 12 [can't remember, memory fail.] and me and josie waited for bianca to change her clothes to meet her friends later. bianca is super cool okay! seriously. so gothic! haha :D cannot stand it. i was like telling her 'omg you're damn cool luhh.' haha :D

pictures! :D


stopped at woodlands to buy lunch and dinner home, then went home and went back to sims. sometime before dinner i stopped playing and went back to drama addiction. hee :x and then just finished watching the last uploaded episode so came to blog :D



did i mention? monday and tuesday i was looking for people to talk to but all the people whom i wanted to talk to were either away or not available. T_T so saddd okay. felt like i was being left alone, somehow :/ okay i guess i'm just over-sensitive. but it sucks when you can't find people who you want to find T_T and you can get kind of lost without them to guide you ): haiz. okay you probably dont know what i'm talking about. nevermind just ignore (:

okay off to sleep before my mum wakes up. super scared she'll wake up okay! -cowers in fear- goodnight!

it's the 17th of november already.

happy birthday leon! :D
happy birthday muni! :D



anyway, my computer is giving me issues again. how annoying ): so now i daren't install the super large computer game which i borrowed from the library, for fear of the computer breaking down again. it half broke down last night :O scaryyy. haish. i have resorted to playing freecell on my computer. don't look down on it okay. it got rid of my headache :D something which neopets wasn't able to do. patched sims 3 and audi too. wanted to play sims 3 at first, but i was too lazy to go into the computer room to get the disc, so ^^" just had to do with freecell. it really helped to cure my headache :D i'm all better now.

my dad wants me to bring his laptop to dhoby ghaut tomorrow to fix up the internet. no way! ): use up my precious time for that? T_T damn. i said no, but i think he still expects me to go. ugh. and my mum didn't hear my reply, so she's all 'oh it's just at the mrt station - very easy to get there when you go tomorrow' and i'm like thinking =.= freakkk i'm not going lahh. i want to stay at home and catch up on my sleep. can you believe that i'm getting less sleep than during o's? what the heck. post o's is starting to feel sucky ): haiz. maybe i should go cwp to shop for shoes instead. no idea. gah i need someone to talk to! T_T the people who i want to talk to are all either away or busy ): -dismayed look- how?

did i mention? my dad says that either i go to work or stay at home and help him to earn money. gahhh T_T not that i'm against it at all. but it's just that. if i stay at home to help him, he says i need to learn quickly and turn pro and earn a certain amount of money before jc starts. whatttt -even more dismayed look- HAIZ. and i don't really fancy the idea of working because i'm planning to go out a lot and attend lessons and stuff, so yeah. plus i need to stay at home to practise music and study, so no time to work lahhh.



haiz okay. too many worries. shall go back to playing freecell. it helps me to calm down and meditate :D haha.

phew. one thing settled, at least.

went shopping again today for a couple of hours. i'm getting really tired of shopping. the whole thing still isn't over yet ): shucks. grad night is such a bother. oh well. at least i finally bought the dress so i feel a bit better now. it's a pretty dress. actually i had other concerns at first, because of what my friends said, but then after a while i realised, oh just heck them already. i should stop listening to all their advice and just do it my way. it's not that i don't want to listen to their advice, but sometimes you really should just follow your heart and lead yourself. now, left with shoes and hair and whanot, which are smaller concerns as compared to the dress, so phew. i repeat, grad night is such a bother. ugh. luckily my mum finally allowed me to buy the dress so yay. i cannot believe how traditional she is, really. as for the shoes, i'm going to find a silver pair preferably to match. i don't fancy the idea of black shoes matching a black dress, even though i must admit that i like black :D haha. but you know you can't always be so colour biased. i did see a few nice pairs of shoes but they were all quite expensive :/ haha hmm. since when did i start thinking about the cost of stuffs? anyway decided to just go cwp or something and find shoes there, since they'll be cheaper.

almost bought the masquerade mask too, but i decided against it in the end. 9 bucks for a mask with string, 11 bucks for one with the stick. and no one's going to use the string because it's going to mess up their hair. so 11 bucks for a mask which you'll only be using for probably only 5 minutes in your life, unless you attend another masquerade party which is highly unlikely. forget it then. just going to get the retarded ones that the school's selling for 1 buck. lol. who wants to bet that it's going to be ugly? but who cares anyway, since you're just going to use it for a couple of minutes. what a bother. but hey the ones i saw were really pretty :D there was one silver one with blue and gold glitter which looked really grand, although it didn't really match. and then there was one silver one which had silver glitter on it, but somehow didn't look plain at all and would probably go well with the dress. almost wanted to buy it you know ): sucks. but since i'm not going to use it again, i don't see the point in spending that 11 bucks. 算了吧.



i still have a load of things to do. shall make a list now :D
- buy shoes
- photograph the sunrise
- go night cycling
- go rollerblading
- go ice skating
- dig out physics books and start studying
- finish reading 三国演义
- finish collecting series of books
- uninstall windows 7 from my dad's laptop [it has issues.]
- recover my rightful sleeping time and replace my lack of sleep
- go swimming
- read finish the 2 books i borrowed from tg and return them
- practise music like siao
- find theory lessons
- start learning electric guitar
- hunt for presents for a ton of people
- start on my novel
to be continued.



ouch. my sore throat is getting worse. craps. shall take more medicine and lozenges. please go away soon, i still want to eat junk food. i can hardly talk without my throat hurting now ): and my toe hurts after trying on those pairs of shoes :/ plus, i acquired a headache around the end of the shopping trip. triple ouch. time to preoccupy myself with random rubbish., then. off to play neopets (:

okay so we didn't drink vodka. oh wells. basically, met up with them at cwp and went to eat pizza hut's 5 course meal. after that, went over to crystal's house where they gave me a set of clues to find interesting keychains and birthday cards, and then they passed me my present which is this tiny pillow with my name on it. then we had a laptop gaming spree, digging out all the games we had brought along. carried on until around 2am when we finally stopped and went to sleep. woke up at 9am the next morning and washed up, then had breakfast at cwp's yoshinoya. after that we set off for orchard, where went shopping for almost the entire day. had lunch/teabreak at subway around 3pm or so, and finally left around 5pm, pretty much according to schedule. reached crystal's house, packed up, and headed home.

arrived home to find my mum in a good mood, so lucky me. took a shower, unpacked, then helped my dad backup his files onto his hdd [he finally bought his own. now all three of us have our own hdds :D] before installing windows 7. who knew it would take so long. while waiting, watched a scary movie with my dad. [my mum was watching but went to sleep halfway through] the movie's quite cool actually. about people dying in this forest and trees which are alive and can communicate with humans through radio signals or something. scientific stuff ftw :D haha. if trees really had feelings and can feel pain when you cut them, ouch. and if nature can call upon the fog and kill people without any hands, wow. anyway i think some parts were pretty freaky and i'm getting a bit freaked out typing this, so yeah. anyway, i realised that i seem to be getting scared more easily recently. hmms.



as for today, didn't do much in the morning and afternoon, just a feeble attempt at fixing the internet on my dad's laptop, which doesn't seem to be working any more due to the installation of windows 7. ouch. later on my brother came home and worked on it for 2 hours to no avail. went out with my mum later in the afternoon, apparently to shop for grad night stuff. didn't work out well at all. didn't like her style at all so i started ignoring her and she got annoyed at me and told me to just cancel off the whole grad night thing and to not go. wtf. and anyway i saw people at cwp who i was not at all happy to see and tried to avoid but to little avail. after that we headed home separately and later on she took back the money she gave me to buy stuffs. it's alright, really. i have my own money, and from now on i'm just going to ignore her because she's probably going to disagree with everything i plan to buy. oh heck. why do i even bother with her? i don't give a damn. disagree for all you want, this is my style and you don't have a say in it. just wait till i get my wardrobe makeover done. she's so totally going to freak out and scream her head off at me. like i care. came home and slacked for most of my part. my computer was giving me serious issues but i think it stopped already. it just wasted 2/3 hours plus of my time. ugh. the world must be against me these few days. read one of the new library books that i borrowed while waiting for it. wanted to install the borrowed computer game at first, but seeing as it took so long to solve its issues and that it's 12am already, forget it. i'll do it tomorrow or something.

going shopping with jac tomorrow. that'll be 3 days of consecutive shopping. or rather, window shopping since i haven't bought anything yet. ouch. anyway i didn't tell my mum that i'd be going out tomorrow. wonder what i'm going to do about that. probably just not tell her and come home early to avoid detection. so i'll be setting off early too. if i get my stuff by tomorrow, i'm going to go shopping for presents on tuesday or something. i owe a lot of people a lot of things. double ouch. but still, grad night is such a bother. ugh.



my bad mood these few days isn't solely dependent on having to shop for grad night. my friends are having an issue among themselves recently and it really got on my nerves.

here's me psychologically speaking. the closer friends you become, the more open you are. the more open you are, the more you tend to express your thoughts and opinions, no matter how shy or introverted you are. and the more you express your opinions, the more differences you'll find between yourself and your friends. conclusion? if you want the dark side of it, don't open the door to your heart so easily, because you're just going to get hurt. ouch, right? but true in its own way.

my main point? nothing much, really. i mean, what can i say? just hope that they resolve this conflict soon and learn to accept their differences and respect each other. it's really a mutual thing, you know. if no one takes the first step, nothing's going to happen.



haven't practised my music for ages. and i miss swimming. there's so many things to do. haven't started on my novel, haven't went present hunting, haven't cleared my sec 4 stuff, haven't started music lessons. from tomorrow, i will practise my music diligently and put in my best effort into studying. o levels are over. but the type of future that i'm aiming for, it's just starting. if i can accomplish those tiny goals before the start of jc, i can safely say that i'm on the right path to the future i want for myself. let's see if i can really do this, then. off to sleep - goodnight.



the chances of getting an A1 is 25%, because anything that is 75 or above is an A1.
what does this mean?
it means that you have one of the highest chances of getting an A1.
a 25% chance - much higher than a mere 5% chance of getting a C6, don't you think?

if, let's say, you have never gotten below 50 before, the chances of you getting an A1 is 50%.
50% versus the 10% chance each of getting a random grade that is lower than an A1.
not too bad, i'd say.

think positive, yo!

quote kc's display name: IT'S OVER!!!

lol! i told him to add mummy, and he really added leh. hahaha funny :D but anyway, yeah, o's are over.

although i don't feel any joy in completing o's at all. when i completed that chemistry paper, i really didn't feel relieved or anything. in fact i was in a pretty bad mood. everyone was like YAY and i didn't share their joy at all. no idea why. it's probably just me, huh. but nooo, crystal and yiinghuey said they felt like that too. i wonder why, really.

yes, it's over. but no, i'm not relieved or happy at all. all i want to do right now is SLEEP.

haha and jessalyn told me something like not to be lame when i said i was going to go home and sleep. well, it's true. i'm going to go sleep after i'm done checking some stuff.



i can't say i've put in my all, because the effort that i've spent on o's was definitely much less than what i could have done. so no, i suppose i'm not satisfied at all. maybe that's why i'm not very excited about the end of o's. plus the fact that everything that i said before the end of o's, like taking up electric guitar and theory and piano and going jogging and cycling and swimming and what other rubbish, for almost everything i said, there had always been an 'after o's'. now that o's are really over, i feel quite troubled, actually, troubled especially when thinking about all these things that i said i'd do. will i really do them? only time will tell.

just to finish up my report on the papers. both bio and chem paper 1s were alright, albeit a little weird. my brother checked my bio paper yesterday and found 3 mistakes, with a 4th one that he was unsure of. that makes 36/40. i hope it'll save my paper 2. as for chem paper 1, i hope the number of mistakes made is around the same as bio. otherwise i'm going to get an earful from my mum AGAIN. yesterday night i told her 3 mistakes and she was already on the verge of killing me. for every mistake i made, she'd go 'huh?? another mistake? how come so many mistakes?'

i really don't feel like listening to her nag any more. you know what i need? a boarding school. my brother's luckier, since he's probably going overseas in a couple of years. and then he wouldn't have to hear all the noise at home. i want to go too. oh please please please i need to get accepted into a boarding school soon otherwise i'd die from noise pollution at home. just imagine. 2 more years of jc life and coming home to a noise polluted house. -faints-

anyway, just to end off, thanks for all the support during o's, people (:
if i'm not wrong this is the names of the people who smsed me: melody, yiinghuey, zoe, shuling, chewlin, tg.
other people include wanjane, gary, mx, sherilyn. [because i wished her happy birthday. haha!]
special thanks to tg for attempting to help me with social studies although it wasn't much help. haha :D but yeah i still want to say thanks for the offer (: [craps i still owe tg 2 fiction books which i borrowed from 2 years ago or something ^^" shall read finish and return them soon, since o's are over :D]
yepp. and of course, people whose names i didn't mention here but told me to jiayou and everything, thanks i really appreciate it (:



anyway, will be going out again at 5pm to eat dinner with crystal and yiinghuey and then going over to crystal's house for sleepover. bringing the laptop over :D i do love the laptop, except for the silicon cover which prevents me from hearing the lovely typing sound and which makes typing more difficult. which i've complained about, so let's get on with it. we made yh borrow 2 scary video games today from the library, to play on our laptops at night later. yay :D yh's bringing her laptop too. and i didn't know crystal's laptop was so lousy. anyway crystal's currently playing call of duty and her other game, dark sector, is with yh, who's bringing it over tonight too. and i'll be bringing over devil may cry 3 special edition which i borrowed yesterday. hope it works on my laptop, because apparently there's no mention of specifications requirements on the cover so yeah. would have brought my other game, fallen angel scared 2, over too, but too bad it requires a lot of space which our laptops will not have enough to offer. shall play that on my desktop at home if it works. and i can't wait to drink vodka. haha yup that's about all. shall blog again soon, maybe later today.

off to install games and then to sleep :D i'm serious. i need my sleep. tata~

2 more papers till the end of o's. it doesn't feel very welcoming now, somehow. all the while, i had always been thinking to myself: i can't wait till o's are over, i've got so many things to do. but now, o's are going to be over soon and here i am, wondering how i'm going to do all those things that i want to do.

because we're always thinking to ourselves, i want to do this, i want to do that. but will you really do those things? easier said than done. somehow it seems as if they're all too far away already.

to achieve our dreams?
yeah, right.



slacked for most of monday, only studying for hcl from 12am - 12.30am before going to sleep. tuesday's hcl paper was alright, i'd say. hoping for a B, but i don't know about that. reached home and continued slacking. wednesday i woke up quite late. i think i'm getting tired from all the wake-up-at-8am-every-morning and sleep-past-12am-every-night routine. it's killing me ): i suppose sleeping must be one of my favourite pasttimes. i can't go without it, really. anyway, wednesday i woke up around 12pm plus and then finished watching black & white.



black & white is a totally awesome drama mans. it's like watching a super long movie. shall save up to buy the dvd :D totally loved the whole thing. and i think the idea of grey areas and everything is quite cool :D not exactly profound since it's not something new to me, but nevertheless, cool.

最深的黑暗
往往来自最光明的地方.

有阳光照耀的地方
才有影子.

only in light will there be darkness.

and the idea of the corrupted police and goverment versus the supposedly-bad triads, with a group of innocent people caught in the middle trying to figure out the truth, it just makes you wonder what is right and what is wrong.

the way i see it, there's no such thing as right or wrong. it's just how people perceive everything to be. you think this is wrong, but i think it's right. who's to decide? the goverment? the police? or do you want to go by votes? the majority is right? says who?

there's no black or white. only grey areas.

makes you wonder, huh.

love the theme of the whole drama, anyway. it's one of the coolest drama i've watched so far. not just rubbish action-packed stuff, but with a really meaningful idea and theme and a really interesting plot.

oh yes and the songs inside are all awesome too :D love all the songs. shall go get them. the entire thing is just so totally my type of drama. haha. it's like a movie, just too long to fit into that time span, you know. anyway they say there's going to be a movie version. i wonder how it's going to turn out. somehow i doubt it'll be as good as the drama. there's no way you can fit that monster huge of a plot into a 2 or 3 hour movie. shall go buy the dvd! :D yay. best drama ever!



okay back to wednesday's stuff. after finishing black & white, started on goku dou high school. lol. forgive me, i'm a drama addict. only watched one episode though. then went to practise violin and off for violin lesson. violin lesson has always been a killer. only violin lesson can make me sooo tired and listless like i was last night. i came home on the verge of death :O haha okay no lah not so 严重 but really, only violin lesson has the ability to take up so much energy in just a short one hour. the other thing which takes up a lot of energy from me is when i go for camps or chalets or whatnot. but that's usually at least a whole day, so you see. came home super tired and later at night when i tried to work on bio, i fell asleep. it's been really long since i last fell asleep while studying/doing work. wow. it used to happen very often, but somehow it disappeared ever since i started studying really hard for prelims, so yeah :D oh well. i must have been freaking tired, then.



will be going over to crystal's house tomorrow for a sleepover. yay. no idea what they're planning, but we did agree to try drinking beer and maybe vodka at night :D haha. and i know there's going to be a movie. probably the one i asked crystal to get for me. and then i'm suspecting that they're going to give me a pleasant surprise for my birthday present. my present sounds weird, from what i managed to hear them discuss. lol. oh well. and then saturday we're going out shopping in the afternoon. yep. sounds fun, huh? a good way to celebrate the end of o's i guess.

saturday evening i'll probably come home super tired and spend it sleeping and then sunday slack and monday i shall try to start doing something more productive. like going jogging or something. and then i'd need to go buy a new bicycle, maybe drag my brother along since he wants a new bike too, and then i can start going cycling and stuff. and i'd need to start practising my violin really hard and check up the electric guitar thing. so much stuff to do :O oh wells. and continue working on my novel, yep. and go shopping a lot of times to buy new stuff and of course sports shoes since i don't have a pair. okay i don't know if i'll do all this but hopefully most of them bah (: although i know i don't have a lot of money to spare to buy stuff :/ oh well.



off to continue studying for bio. last bio paper! :D and if i'm lucky enough, i won't be taking bio in jc.

I'm tired of being what you want me to be.





I feel so lost and confused all over again.





was supposed to go watch a concert today. didn't go in the end. it's 1.55 now. should be starting in 5 minutes. some chinese concert that my dad asked me to go watch with my friend. couldn't find people to go with, sort of forgot about it today, and anyway i didn't feel like going. not in an enthusiastic mood right now, i guess.

i'm treating o's like rubbish now. i just want to get it over and done with. hardly studying any more, just ignoring everything and trying to cruise along in this stormy sea. i know that i've been studying for 4 years just because of this. but somehow, it doesn't feel very important any more. i've become numb to a lot of things these few days. just trying to lose myself in my own world, indulging in luxuries that i shouldn't have at this moment. playing computer games, watching dramas, wasting my time.





regrets.
they always come too late.
after you know that everything's already over for you.



I don't want to be like that.





i wonder what the heck is wrong with me sometimes. i hate myself being like that.

spent saturday on the laptop. games and drama. slept around 3 plus or 4, i think. got an earful from my mum again, when she woke up and found me still on the computer, then forcing me to go to sleep. interestingly, i didn't feel tired at all when i woke up at 10 plus today.

haven't touched my violin and guitar in a long long time. feeling guilty, but i don't want to play them. i don't know why, but right now i don't even want to touch any instruments. i think i'm starting to really hate myself, hate the world.

there's so many things that i still want to do, i wonder if i'll ever be able to accomplish all of them. i said i wanted to do them after o's, but they all seem so far away now. too far to reach.





i suddenly feel so hopeless.








okay over with the emo stuffs.

i've concluded that my entire family is freaking elitist. [is that how you spell it?] no, seriously. all of them. my dad hates stupid people, my mum is particular about my friends' results, and my brother is, you know it, a self-proclaimed genius who once said 'I'm so smart I should be considered a crime against humanity.' my family is so screwed up mans. you have to agree with me.

and the thing that sucks most is that they get really angry with me whenever i say 'i don't know' or shrug. my dad will get annoyed when i do that, especially when he's asking me a question and say 'you don't know anything lah.' or 'why you everything also don't know?' and my mum will be 'how come you don't know?' or 'you just sit there and shrug your shoulders can already lah.' what do they expect me to be? a freaking genius? well, i'm not. i wish they'd stop being so elitist. ugh.



was quite random yesterday morning when i woke up and tried doing a couple of push ups. i feel so unhealthy without weekly morning jogs ): haiz. nevermind. i shall make up for it after o's :D shall go swimming and cycling and jogging and play basketball and whanot. yay :D haha anyway today my arms are aching from the push ups =.= haiz. but at least it feels good la (:

okay off to play retarded games like neopets or something now. can't watch dramas now since my parents will see, and i don't feel like studying for chinese either :/ hey i tried to improve my chinese through watching taiwanese drama yesterday okay, but then i changed to korean after that, so :/ oh wells. i can't believe i really didn't attend that concert. i think it was partly because i was pissed at my mum for saying that all i do is go out. which doesn't make much sense, since if i was pissed, i should have just gone, right? but i really can't stand her nagging any more. it's killing me, seriously. haiz. off to play, then.