my emotions are changing too rapidly for even myself to understand.

lagging behind sucks. thank you to mark for being an awesome friend to talk to on thursday. it's good to have someone feeling the same way as you, however bad you're feeling. it sounds evil but no i don't think it is. at least you know you're sharing that bad feeling and that you're going to work hard together to change it. thank you so much to a lot of people for sharing my emotions and emoness these few weeks, like my kor. thank you for attempting to help, no matter how lousy an attempt it was. thank you for being great friends. i think i'm still in emo mood and i have been for quite a while, but i don't really know what to say any more. i'm emo but happy at the same time. there's just too much going on so that i don't know what to feel about what. if you combine all my emotions together they'd probably all just even out and becoming nothingness.

sometimes i miss the ability to dao everything and just pull myself out from this confusing web of emotions, like i used to do when i was in st nicks. i think i lost the ability on the same day i told myself that i love hwachong. i must have. i can't do that any more - ignore people that is. because there are too many people whom i love and can't bear to lose, and i know that i won't ignore them no matter how sucky i feel. whatever it is, i'm still going to put up that happy front because i don't want to upset any one.

but you know, it feels like there's a knot in my heart. like i want to scream but the sound won't come out and the knot won't come loose. and i want to cry but even if the tears flow out nothing happens. i've teared quite a bit in the past 2 weeks or so. in school. not in front of anyone though. and even if i did, at least they didn't see. it's just that when i think of some things sometimes, the tears just flow and they won't stop flowing and i can't do anything to stop them from flowing. i don't even know why i feel like that now. must be the combination of everything, not just homework or stress. perhaps even the thought that this life is too good to be true.

honestly, i'm enjoying myself a lot in hwachong. it feels so surreal, like a dream. but it can't be one. i know it's so contradictory, saying that it hurts but it's the best days of my life in a long long time, but it is. i love hwachong, honestly. i love the school and the people and my friends and my class and my seniors and my cca mates and whatnot. i guess it just makes me feel as if i'm going to lose them if i don't hold on tight enough. so i'm holding on tightly and i never ever want to let go of this rope because if i do, i don't know what'll happen or how i'll end up.

on the other hand, i should just savour the moment and not think about things like that, right? i know. i'll try. i'll try hard.



friday was apollo fac outing in school. i came late after cca, but it was damn awesome because of the people there (: once again, thank you 10s77 :D i love all of you. and no matter what happens, i'm still going to love every single one of you. thank you for making my 2 years in hwachong although they're not even over yet (: also thanks to the seniors - zichao, kaeyuan and weiqi, and og38 whom quite a few people came and to the fac comm for the outing (: after fac outing we went serene centre macs. me kor mark zichao abigail zeke estee eugene and kaeyuan who escaped ._. left earlier with kor and mark. we all damn tired also i think ._. didn't sleep on the train with them but later on after i changed train i just slept through until my stop.

saturday was MAD orientation. the whole atmosphere wasn't too high, but i had a lot of fun. abigail and sylvia were same group as me :D although sylvia went off early. and lol exco in charge of my group were kelvin, weisheng and cheryl. water games weren't really super high stuff, but more of splashing each other and getting wet, which was fun anyway. yeah i got soaked from head to toe. -sigh- but oh well it was fun while it lasted :D thank you MAD exco and fellow batchmates and hahaha i used water gun on president =x whoops but haha it's okay luh it was fun :D and i got wet for most of the time anyway ._. so no harm done. after that went bus stop with xinyun and joey :D wah eh the sandwich thing not bad leh next time i shall buy again :D even though it's quite ex ._. yeah. hmm then yeah, went home ate dinner and damn tired went to sleep.

today was supposed to be mugger day and i thought i could pull it off but apparently not. i'm still stuck at math thanks to facebook and a lot of other distractions. hope mark's having a better time. kor's already ahead of me i think. thank you for the existence of blogs to pour my emotions into and to lock them up so that i can do better after that. or at least i hope it works that way. now off to mug math and hopefully finish it early and have more time to do more useful stuffs. yeah okay bye people :D

have been quite emo these few days. sorry for making people worried. terribly sorry. i should have known it'd happen. not going to continue emoing because i feel bad about it. i'll pull myself together. i have to. just wanted to say that my friends are love and thanks for everything because you guys are the ones keeping me alive right now, as much as you don't believe it. and this message is for people who might not read this, so i'll try to tell them personally. they've been keeping me afloat and i'm very grateful to them. thanks. hwachong people ftw :D love all of you. especially to a few of these people from 10s77 (: and of course, ugh. too many things to talk about actually. have too much going on. jap lessons start tomorrow YAY :D i can't wait i know it's going to be fun. and my violin piano accompaniment lessons clashes with dance peformance in the afternoon so i have no idea what i'm going to do. shall let someone know soon. attempted to change the timing/day but it didn't work ): they say i can't change the day. but i really really want to perform for dance night [ahem afternoon] so yeah. i hope i still can. i really don't want to be kicked out or anything ): yes i know this post is very messy my thoughts are scattered and i'm just saying what i need to say. stupid windbreaker only comes in L and XL so no i can't get it totally WTS they should just go die. raised my hopes up for nothing. shall bring my hoodie to school tomorrow. aircons are making me go nuts. i need a windbreakerrr. and hmm yeah a ton of homework to complete shall attempt them later. lastly my phone broke up with my computer so now they can't connect any more. what retards right. ugh. i don't know why but the wire just doesn't work any longer. maybe it's the wire problem since i can't connect my phone to the laptop either. but i managed to bluetooth all the stuff through the laptop, so really, thank you bluetooth and thank you laptop with bluetooth function. off to do stuff now byes.

a lot have happened recently, it's hard to put them all down in words.



monday was some serious mugging and whatnot.

tuesday was the super busy day. math class test whoo. not bad :D and then after lessons i went to watch the english drama syf thing. hahaha bryan's acting damn funny :D and scary. oh haha whoops okay must call kor already. bryan kor. lol. erm okay then after that i left early and went for TAG interview. quite nervous >< but i think i did okay. hopefully (: and then after interview i rushed to salt centre for cca :D teacher came to watch us on that day and she wasn't very happy with the seniors ): felt quite bad for them but oh well haha they bounce back very fast :D then left cca quite late because teacher made us do over again until we did it in sync ._. went off earlier and managed to avoid most of the rain. haha some people reach bus stop then super wet okay! quite funny =x lol. they totally just ran in the rain and took the uncovered path through the other gate. kaien and chinghun took same bus with me, then attempted but failed to mug chem ._. kaien's fault he was talking to me. then went home tried mugging but damn tired so decided to go sleep instead.

wednesday chem class test quite screwed ._. after school we played basketball :D paiseh play too many times i can't remember who liao =x then violin lesson was alright :D i tried to request for same piano accompaniment as last year and they said they'd try (:

thursday nothing much played basketball again after school :D with jarin and suatteng if i'm not wrong. people who play basketball often - our class: me jarin suat bryan. senior class: zichao brandon bryan weiqi valerie. after that went home with parveen [thanks for going home with me parveen! (: sorry for the torture on the bus :/] and then reached home around 5 plus. showered then attempted to play violin but fell asleep. until my mum came home + dinner + read book before i fell asleep again. basically slept from around 6 plus to the next day, save for the dinner + book part. yeah. crazy right? i think i totally KO on that day from all the stuff to do plus basketball haha.

friday quite slack lor. audi still damn cold i need to get that windbreaker soon. i saw this black windbreaker at sportslink that day :DDD then played basketball AGAIN before ct, even though we [3 girls who play bball in my class] weren't intending to play actually. before that we were playing chapteh with longpeng. quite fun :D then ct session was sweating like shit, finished writing angel mortal letter to brandon, but now i realise i forgot to ask my other seniors about their pw results =x haiz sian.

then after ct session, went to lt@src with hsiuping for some dialogue with a photojournalist :D esther came later. quite okay luh but i fell asleep for a tiny while >< lol kenneth was there and he slept for like half an hour? photog people like kaeyuan houyin also there lor. then went out, ate, and talked to kenneth hsiuping and esther, before somehow everyone started leaving and only left me and kenneth. so had cca after that and we walked in the direction of salt centre because kenneth was going home. and we were talking about some people we know like bryan and mark and then a few minutes later when we turned this corner, 2 people were on the other side and they were bryan and mark! we totally LOL-ed like shit okay! just talking about them only! and so 巧 it's like the possibility of bumping into someone RIGHT AFTER turning a corner is crazily small. multiply by possibility of bumping into someone AFTER talking about them. multiply also by the possibility of meeting someone you know in hwachong college + high school side. just totally damn funny we were both saying it's the coolest thing that happened the entire day. yupp.

then cca was okay bah :/ came late so missed quite a bit though ): nevermind tuesday will come early :D and not miss stuff. and then after that we attempted to form a j1-only cypher but failed ._. at first only weisheng and vernzhiang join, then slowly all the j2s and j3s join then become full-fledged cypher. lol. okay fine i'm talking crap now ._. but yeah lor then we sort of tried to zao but failed. haiz. not that i don't want to go into the cypher, but i still find it quite intimidating and scary and i get damn nervous inside and keep blanking out. like what happened lor. went in, blanked out after top rock and i had no freaking idea what i was doing =.= so yah. quite sian lor. screwed up everything and didn't feel very good after that :/ though i did feel good about entering the cypher. quite conflicting luh :/ yeah. and then after that went to eat dinner with the seniors. j2s and j3s. whee so there was like all 3 generations quite cool :D then some j1s drank beer and got drunk >< and then after that went home saw my bus and ran. whee okay :D

saturday/today woke up early went to school watched syf rehearsal. hope i get to do something during the actual thing >< yup then after that ate lunch with classmates [bryan, esther, weilun, mark] + hongkai and zhaoxun. golden rooster at coro. then somehow left with only s77 people and we went to buy more food - chocolates for us all except esther who couldn't eat, then esther left for bus stop and the rest of us walked back to school. went up to reading room to mug and wait for people. didn't manage to mug much though :/ yup. after that rehearsed for yawp. most of the people were from 10s77. me bryan parveen kevin teri weichuan weilun. and ming who isn't from s77. but ended up they left already so we couldn't show them our performance so we went to lt3 to rehearse a few more times before going back. went back reading room and me and bryan stayed to mug. then after that went home. took 74 to circle line mrt :DDD yay.

today was actually quite a bad day. pissed with a lot of things. but still, i think today was worth it. crucial and important day in determining a few stuffs. it's these kind of days that change my life bit by bit. for the better or worse, i don't know. let's hope that they're usually for the better, yeah? firstly must scold bryan for being in a bad mood! tskk then spoil my mood too. next, must thank bryan for existing. lol. and yah, being a good listener. lastly, hahaha okay bryan is now my kor :D LOL [have 2 kors now YAYYY :DDD] hahaha okay yah so from now on cannot call him bryan already, must call him kor. wahahaha very funny :D lol. yup then um. ate bread for dinner today D: a bit sad luh but aiya. not much choice luh haha. and macs hotcakes for breakfast today! :D yup. that's all for today bah. thanks for the listening ears today kor! :D

today was also a thinking day. thought about a lot of things, reviewed a lot of stuff. decided on stuffs, dismissed stuffs, thought of more stuffs. opened up quite a bit today and hmm yah lor, i think that was good and bad at the same time. depends on how you see it i suppose. still have things on my mind, but it's a bit clearer now than it was before, i suppose (: and also almost cried at least 3 times today. not good at all. but didn't cry luh. but yeah, depressing and frustrating stuffs to think about. a bit better already so (:

off to mug bio. i have a shitload of things to mug for bio. so dead meat.

i've had enough of lagging behind. i can't carry on like this. so i've decided. that's it. i'm going to start working hard, catch up on everything that i'm lagging behind in, and start mugging violin and bboy. watch me. this time i will. that's what i always tell myself. and every time i believe that i'd be able to do it. i want to believe myself again this time. i need to. it can't go on like this.

this week has been alright. save for sleeping a lot. i believe that right now my friends are one of the most important factors in keeping me alive. [for that i thank all of you.] it's not often you see me last throughout 2 months or so with that happy smile. emo-ed a few times, but not too often. i don't want to start emoing again, but i have a feeling it's already happening. i can't last that long. i thought i'd be able to start anew, but maybe it's really too difficult. i'll try to keep at it, but if i can't maintain this, i'm sorry. i hope i don't break or collapse from all of this. it's too much to handle, but that overflowing amount of love is keeping me on my feet until now. i can't rely on it all the time. i know. i want to become a stronger person. can i? i hope so. i don't want to keep collapsing, i don't want to be a burden, i don't want to drag anyone down with me. i feel like i'm in a deep ocean and the only thing keeping me afloat is this rope of friendship and love that i'm holding on to. i can't just be clinging on to that. i need to start swimming. figuratively and literally (:



i also learnt this week that it's very bad to leave cca without telling people and especially when they just formed a cypher :/ left cca early on tuesday because i was damn scared i'd get locked out again. my mum said i had to be home by 9pm on tuesday or she'd lock the door =.= so yeah, when they just formed a cypher, i sort of walked out with geri. although i had been standing around with my bag for quite long already >< and yeah, now come to think of it, it's really very rude right ): but yeah, thanks a lot to daniel for letting me know (: i shall avoid doing that again. felt quite bad after walking out actually, because while i was walking out both seantan and dahwei were sort of giving me that 'what? why are you leaving?' kind of gesture. okay fine i don't really know how to translate that gesture into words. that's not accurate. but yeah, just the sort of gesture which made me feel really really bad about leaving. i think they thought i left because of the cypher. which i didn't! it just happened to be around the same time :/ HAIZ. and then after a while i just tried to stop feeling guilty. until daniel told me about it and i thought about it and yeah, it made a lot of sense after that. but it'd be so weird to apologise to anyone for that, so i shall just avoid doing that again and hope that all goes well (: okay yeah really really must thank daniel for telling me, otherwise i think i'd just stop thinking about it and forget about it and maybe even do it another time which is very very bad. yupp.



haungcheng this week so a lot of people weren't in school from wednesday to friday. hope it went well! i'm sorry for not going but it didn't really get my interest, so yeah. and a lot of other people weren't in school too for various reasons. and hmm. yeah, the class felt pretty empty without people like regina, esther, bryan and teri. -sad face- next week will be better, right? (:

and ugh bryan is damn evil! i signed up for the girls inter-ct relay thingy for sports meet. so he was looking through the list after that and he was like reading off the names, so it went SOMETHING like this i can't exactly remember.

'who signed up?'
-looks at paper-
'esther,'
-looks at the next line, all ready to read out the next name-
-PAUSE-
-looks up at me with an incredulous look on his face-

what the shits right! walao. so evil can. apparently i don't look like i can run fast either =.=" but nevermind :D someone else said i look like i can run fast :D [because i'm small =.=]

and hmm. went cwp with wanjane on thursday :D whee ate pastamania then went to get ice cream at macs and walked around. haha we got chased out of popular twice! then went converse to try the shoes :D got one nice one but it's damn ex ): i no money ): maybe i'll buy it later but i scared one day it'll disappear off the shelf D: before i get the chance to buy. yeahh.

and then friday after cca went to smu for fuyo warm up party with nelson gateaux and xinyun. we reached damn late =.= so yeah. not much point luh. actually just went to collect the shirts lor. yep. my bag was damn fat after that =.= 4 shirts in my bag. then yeah, got home and attempted to study math while drying my hair but was very tired and ended up going to sleep after my hair was dry. my parents were watching horror movie so cool :D i also wanted to watch.

then yesterday saturday went for fuyo interschool :D whee. quite fun to watch i think. their standard wasn't too zai so i think i can relate a bit more? but after watching a while a bit sian lor. dunno why also :/ haha our seniors not bad (: 3 out of 4 teams got into top 16 :D and yeah, it looks fun :D and michelle borrowed my shoes to cypher so i was wearing hers >< which felt fine at first but got worse so i didn't really like them. then um. the thing ended at 11 plus =.= supposed to end at 10. damn late. ended up going home damn late and my mum was very pissed at me. yeah. :/ plus a lot of work not done. but who cares i had fun (:



okay but apparently 'fun' is not in someone's dictionary. because studies > fun, so fun = unnecessary. i disagree, but there's nothing much to disagree about since disagreeing doesn't work. well you know what. i think fun > studies, and friends > family, and friends + fun = life.

and i just wanted to mention that i really really hate eliticism. sometimes i really wish i was from some neighbourhood school and perhaps in poly instead. some kind of street kid. i think i would love that life.

and haha i swear bryan's hair is epic and yes, as he calls it, revolutionary. it's so bad, it's crazy. i laughed like some nutcase! it's damn funny hahaha i can't wait to see everyone's reactions tomorrow :D going to stalk him around or something and watch all the reactions.



okay nothing much. math class test on tuesday, chem class test on wednesday. tag interview on tuesday >< scared. okay yeah that's about it. off to mug :D

SATURDAY 3 APRIL

i finished my pi :D okay well not exactly finished, since it's full of crap and i'd obviously have to edit it again, but who cares. i finished the draft! :D good enough for me. slept at 1 plus/2 yesterday D: anyway, less homework left :D yay. i will work harder, i'm serious! and i will just start daoing smb or something. it's getting on my nerves. having to use the computer everyday is not good - i get distracted by blogging and facebooking and whatnot.


anyway, TODAY WAS AN AWESOME DAY :DDD

woke up early and went to school early. but i was late :/ supposed to mug with bryan but we both failed epic-ly. i didn't do a single shit. then mark came and wahaha it was damn funny. i swear bryan's compo is hilarious. i was laughing like a nutcase while reading :D anyway, fac cip 15 people met in school and total 17 people from our class. whoo. haha a lot of huangcheng and random shits people who didn't come, so yeah. haha okay shan't elaborate on details of fac cip. it was just very hot and sweaty and tiring, but i think teamwork helped a lot and we supported each other a lot, so yeah :D after we were done, went to eat our lunch at some random pavilion. gloomy & depressing atmosphere ): hated it. then went to bus stop and waited for the bus to sengkang interchange (: specifically me, jessica, bryan, weichuan, and longpeng.

we went to sengkang then dhoby ghaut and the cathay, but found no nice shows, so we took a bus all the way back to bukit timah plaza without jessica who had left for home. went back to play pool before longpeng had to go, and then lan. my pool skills are improving :D and lan was hilarious hahaha maplestory, need for speed most wanted, and l4d2. me and weichuan totally spammed bryan with 'you noob shit's during the first 2, especially the first one. by the time we were done with lan, my voice sounded totally nasal and sick. then went to eat dinner [first dinner before going home to have second dinner] together at some coffeeshop. egg prata :D [it's nice! :D] even though i'm not supposed to eat anything that would be a danger to my sore throat. actually wanted to eat more ): but two things stopped me from doing that - sore throat and dinner at home. so yeah. missed one bus while eating and i said i wouldn't miss the next one. which i didn't :D it came when we were walking towards the bus stop so yay :D hahaha. okay reminder to myself that i owe weichuan a drink treat because he paid for my prata. haha. okay yupp then reached home around 7 plus and didn't get scolded :DDD i love it when i don't get scolded. it makes a nice end to the day (:

turned on the computer, crapped, attempted blogging but fell asleep [that's why i'm finishing up my post now on sunday 4 april instead.] and decided to just scrap the idea and go to sleep. slept at 12am :D i'm becoming more guai because the first step to becoming more guai is to sleep early :D yay. if i keep this up, i will start doing my homework earlier so that i can sleep early and eveyrthing will work out fine yay :D as for homework, i'm still lagging behind a bit but i hope i can catch up soon. chinese compo is D: bryan has such a nice idea for his compo and shuyi did hers already ): noooo i need to start on it soon otherwise i'll feel like some loser. okay erm. oh yes and bryan passed me his thumbdrive with dota in it so whoo yay i can play dota now! :D and :P to all the scammers. okay luh not scammers but yeah, people who didn't pass me dota in the end ): like mx because i didn't have a thumbdrive that was big enough, and kc since i didn't go his house to steal, and duncan who didn't pass it to me in the end ): the last one is kind of sad because duncan is very nice [unlike mx and kc] so yeah ): oh well. oh yes and zichao who said he'd pass it to me and didn't in the end. haha but he's a known scammer, so there. yay thanks bryan! :D

thank you everyone [10s77, people at sengkang who donated stuff, and my mum for not scolding me] for the very nice and awesome day, especially bryan weichuan longpeng and jessica (: love you guys thanks for being there and i think we rock yeah :D although i still don't see how it's possible that the outing had a 3 guys: 2 girls ratio, then 3 guys: 1 girl ratio, and lastly ended with a 2 guys: 1 girl ratio when our class has a 6 guys: 20 girls ratio. tsk, right? oh wells. it was fun and i felt like a totally normal person after pool and lan today. it's been quite a while since i've felt like a normal teenager. yes, pool and lan made me feel that way. and to everyone involved - thanks! :D i feel awesome now so thank you for making my day (:




SUNDAY 4 APRIL

pw teacher replied my email and looks like i need to change my case study for pi ): oh well, at least i don't need to change my problem, so yay :D will work out something by today and edit it and send it again.for vetting. ton of homework to complete today. i told myself i will be guai today. played dota in the morning [thanks to bryan for instructions] and failed epic-ly but who cares now i need to start on HOMEWORK. which is probably harder than winning a dota game for me right now. pw, bio, chem, math, lit and whatnot. it's funny to only have a couple of subjects but still being able to feel so stressed. it's homework time (:




what does being in love feel like? does it feel like this? or is this just deep friendship that we share? the same questions that i ask, as usual. because i still haven't gotten an answer to them.
i don't know what this feels like. always wanting to talk to you and to never stop talking to you. always wanting to be beside you, knowing what's happening to you. but that's what i feel for my friends too. and when you do well, always wanting to keep up with you, never lagging behind. wanting to do better than you, to make you proud of me.
somehow, it feels very comforting. like family (:





you've changed.
or so it seems to me. or maybe i just didn't know it. or perhaps i'm the one who've changed.
i bet you didn't know. i used to idolise you - i still do.
you meant so much to me, you were my best friend. my source of strength and comfort. an unwavering pillar of support in times of need. always giving me the right advice and knowing what to do.
and for all the times that you opened up your heart to me and told me something, i'd think about it and agree with you, because those were my sentiments too.
it might have been a miracle, although i don't believe in them - to be able to find someone who thought the same way as me, perhaps even more deeply than me.
so it came as a shock to me when one day, you said something and i thought about it and disagreed. how was it possible that we were thinking differently about something that, i felt, mattered?
i thought for a long time and realised that what i've assumed was wrong. we weren't alike. similar perhaps, but not alike.
in the end, i realised that you weren't all that. and i realised that you couldn't be my idol, because no one can. my thoughts and opinions are mine alone, and at one point in time, no matter how similar our thinking is, they will be different.
each person to themselves. everyone is different.

thank you for being there, for being my best friend, for letting me in on so many secrets of the world. thank you for deepening my knowledge, broadening my scope and showing me that i wasn't alone in the world - no one is. you are my link to the world. thank you for being so similar to me, for thinking alike, for voicing it out. and lastly, thank you for being in this world, for existing, and for recognising that i exist too.

you were, are, and will always be, my best friend and the person whom i look up to and idolise.

THURSDAY 1 APRIL 2010

it's thursday already! there's so many things to talk about, but so little time. this was meant to hold my memories and thoughts and feelings, but it looks like it's not exactly doing a good job.



time's passing so fast, i can't even remember yesterday. not good, really.
what's more, remembering what happened for the entire week.

the stress and the pressure, maybe a bit too much to bear.
time management is the worst. i can't manage it at all. where did all my time go to? ):

i'm so glad having awesome friends make up for it.


it's been an interesting time that i've been having at hwachong so far. i think i've thoroughly enjoyed this experience up till now. it might not be the best [after all, you can't define 'best' because everyone has their own opinions], and i might not have liked every single thing that have taken place, but who cares. i think it's been a really really long time since i've been so happy for so long. or maybe i just forgot what it's like to be happy, to enjoy life as it is. it was never like that in primary or secondary school. i was always too quiet, too invisible, and honestly, i doubt anyone would have remembered me if i was sitting in a corner and emoing or something. i don't know if it's because of my environment and surroundings, or because this time i'm really making an effort to change myself. perhaps both, even. it's not been an easy time here, but what does it matter if i can come to school everyday and KNOW very well that someone, whoever it is, is going to make me smile, no matter what day it is, no matter if it's the worst day of my life or the best? and that people actually see me, actually recognise me. to realise that i'm not as invisible as i thought i was. not that i don't like my fuchun and rosyth friends. i love them. but i often end up feeling invisible. as for my st nicks friends, in my class, i'm just practically nothing there. i'm sorry, but i didn't like it there, and i doubt i ever will.

there are so many people that i owe my thanks to. people who have supported me through this journey, people who have made me smile, people who have braved the storm with me, people who have shared the sun with me, people who i have niaoed, people who have teased me, people who have made me laugh, people who are awesome to talk to, people who have taught me, people who have spent their time with me and encouraged me and have done things for me that i might not be able to repay. just to list a few of them - the entire 10s77 especially regina, esther, bryan. seniors from 09s77 like valerie, sarah, weiqi. og38 mates like clarice, sylvia, walter, toonmin, tsengwei. mad bboy batchmates like xinyun, joey, gateaux, kaien, seantan. mad bboy seniors like liuyi, weisheng, siquan, tseyoung. random people who i somehow made friends with after coming to hc. and lastly, not forgetting the people who i've known before coming to hc, some of whom are not even from hc, and people who might not have done anything much but whose existence is much appreciated, like wanjane, crystal, chugy, yiinghuey, melissa-raye, tg, sufyan, chewlin, muni. and the list goes on.

i think i'm quite glad that i'm in hc. tycos aside, i'm glad i'm where i am, and although i know i'm not putting in my best effort right now, i assure you that i'll start working harder than i have for the past month or so because i want to continue enjoying life here and the least that i can do is to not lag behind so that i know that i will have an even better time here. it's okay to be overshadowed, it's okay to not be the best, and it's even okay to be looked down on, as long as i know that i'm doing my best, as long that i know that i'm putting in all my effort and as long as i'm happy with my life. just wanted to say that i'm very happy with my life right now, even if i'm getting scolded for reaching home late, it doesn't matter if i'm happy inside, right?



happy things aside, more common things would be.

well i just wanted to comment on my sleeping habits. i'm sorry if anyone's not pleased with me sleeping all day in class, whether it's the teachers or classmates. i'm sorry if i annoyed anyone by sleeping, and i'm sorry if i made you pissed or anything. but look, i'm not falling asleep in class on purpose. do you think i actually LIKE missing lessons and sleeping through the whole of class like a dead log? do you think i actually ENJOY having to spend extra time to catch up on everything that i've missed while sleeping? do you think i find it FUN to get scolded by a teacher for sleeping in his/her lesson? you think? i might seem evil and mean and whatever on the outside, but no i do NOT like to upset people or make people angry. if i had a choice, i would NOT be sleeping in any lectures or tutorials. but i DON'T have a choice. i'm tired, so i sleep.

the thing about being in hc is that it takes up all of my energy. i was never a person with a lot of energy to start off with. you remember how i used to say that i always sleep through a day after going for camp or going for an outing? yes i'm like that. energy is something that i'm always short of. something that i'm always searching for and trying to save. the thing is, being in hc takes up a lot of my energy. being the changed me requires a lot of my energy. something i probably never bothered doing in primary or secondary school. and the thing about using up all of my little pool of energy is that it totally knocks me out. if you don't believe it, i can honestly tell you that just going to school takes up my energy. i used to come home from school and feel so washed out, so tired that i'd fall asleep while sitting on the floor 5 mins after i reach home. i suppose you can attribute it to my high metabolism rate and love for chocolate and junk food. maybe that's why i tire so easily - high metabolism rate. it seems like a logical explanation. it probably is the right explanation. so yeah, back to my point. i DON'T fall asleep during lectures/tutorials on purpose. sleeping is a very common thing for me because i can fall asleep anywhere, even while playing violin yes. just my explanation. i don't want to be misunderstood.

and just for your info, somehow this year's april fool's day sucked. except for the teri parveen and kevin thing, yeah. that was a good laugh (: other than that, it sucked.



FRIDAY 2 APRIL 2010

today was not a very productive day. slept a bit and tried doing pw but my ideas were shitty. fell asleep while playing violin =.= trimmed my fingernails so they're pretty short now, quite good for playing violin :D and yesterday's bboy self practice session hasn't worn off - my hand still hurts ): but i know i made a very VERY good effort to not be flat handed while breaking yesterday, so yay :D i usually cannot take it so i collapse and go all flat handed ): yeah. and then retarded bryan wants to use my name in his compo and make my character die! tskkk. he sooo owes me an apology letter okay. and yeah, basically nothing much today luh. i hope my sore throat is recovering. it feels like it is. off to do pw pi. i hope i can finish it by today!