yesterday was awesomeeee :D

THANK YOU CHEWLIN, WANJANE, REGINA, DUNCAN, SHERILYN, KEN, TERI, ABIGAIL!
love you guys :D

didn't do much in the morning, then afternoon left for piano accompaniment lesson. it was fine i suppose. haha the teacher remembers me (: and then we only went though 2 and a half songs, not even all 3 leh! :/ i think it's because i made a lot of mistakes, so yeah, i really need to work harder and do better. I CAN NOT, WILL NOT, MUST NOT FAIL VIOLIN EXAM THIS YEAR. it's unthinkable. i've spent too much, wasted too much, gone too far, so there's no turning back now. if i do it, i'll need to go all out. up to the extent of not caring about blocks? i don't know. i hope not. like my dad says, i need to learn how to balance and manage everything. it's tiring, it really is. after lesson i went back to school and OVERSLEPT ): super super tired i couldn't even get myself to open my eyes. i think i overslept by about 10 minutes, then woke up and wondered where i was, and i didn't know if i'd passed the stop already, so i sat on for another 2 or 3 minutes :/ haiz. really too tired ): i'm going to get my n hours of sleep after tonight's transcendance.

yup okay then transcendance itself was quite alright (: i screwed up a bit but it wasn't too obvious so phew. shan't screw up again today. TONIGHT'S GOING TO BE THE LAST LAST SHOW. LET'S DO IT.

and from yesterday night,






THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YESTERDAY, IT WAS AWESOMENESS.

TODAY IS GOING TO BE JUST AS AWESOME AS YESTERDAY, MAYBE EVEN MORE SO (:

JIAYOU EVERYONE, GANBATTE, BANKAI, WHATEVER. let's just do our best, alright? (:

a lot of people coming to watch today! (: muni and tg coming today leh! :D lol.
yesyes okay i shall go school early today and maybe do a bit of work/sleep before dancenight and photoshoot and whatver. yupyup (: byeeee (:

TRANSCENDANCE!



will be out for the whole of tomorrow. i can't wait! dancenight ftw :D

also will have piano accompaniment lesson tomorrow. GANBATTE JANE. do your best. only 6 lessons, make the best out of that 100 bucks lesson yeah. don't waste a minute because one minute costs almost 2 bucks or something. yah.

okay. cappriccio today was :D. i went with ken and yiinghuey, also sat with mark and crystal. saw zichao there! lol. he attempted to dao me and pretend not to know me. lol. and then valerie damn zai :D yupyup. got stuff for sandy and all the seniors - weiqi valerie sarah. yup. and went to eat supper with ken yh cryst and her friends, belinda and abigail. ate at macs. then 4 of us went home together. YAY marsiling ftw :D we all stopped there today. yup.



OKAY SHALL GO SLEEP NOW. tomorrow is a crazy day. goodnight!

i want to feel what i thought was never real
i want to feel like i'm close to something real

i want to feel like i'm somewhere i belong



how true.





anyway, TRASCENDANCE IN ONE DAY! it's going to be dope :DDD
i want to go for the recognize studios garage sale today! LOL HAVE STUFFED TOYS MANZZ. 我要!!! not the point though. i guess most people will be going there for the shoes and jackets all that. eeyer i also want! but i think i not enough money to buy those ): SOB.

have a lot of things to blog about actually. my ccamates just became cooler yesterday. lol. i dunno. as in, my impression of them changed. haha. oh but nelson is a cat so not very cool luh ._. lol! he claims that he's from cat high and now he thinks he's a cat. -audible sigh of hopelessness- oh well. yah. and lolol have a lot of couples! like huangbin and seanlim [who supposedly broke up], and seanlim and nelson... HAIZ. okay yah. I SHALL CHIONG FOR GARAGE SALE AFTER THIS :D even though i dont think i'm supposed to go actually... yah.

okay then other stuff erm. AWKWARDDD. i don't know how to explain/talk about it, it's just super super awkward okayyy. i don't think i meant it that way. okay maybe i did. okay i don't know! aiyo! 算了. i think everything's going to be fine now, so yah.

and then um. WHOO HOLIDAYS :D lol. yah okay slack camp lolol. and lots of stuff like STJ yes i know i said this before but wheee i can't wait! :DDD i heard it's going to be super cool. function room ftw! :D

and then ahhh dancenight tickets a bit driving me crazy leh. haiz. shall settle it once and for all. will need to ask favours from quite a few people >< yupyup. AHHH I WILL REACH THE GARAGE SALE AT 2 I THINK D: THEY MEETING AT 1.30! D: haiz. yah and i broke my toenail somehow i dont know how ): nothing much liao luh.

after garage sale will be band concert! :D whoo buying chocolate (: and of course going with ken and yiinghuey and meeting mark there. yupyup. okay nothing much liao. i need to find masking tape! yah okay that's all i guess. shall update again soon (: BYEEE.




TRASCENDANCE IS GONNA BE DOPESHIT :D

"Somewhere I Belong"

(When this began)
I had nothing to say
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
And I let it all out to find
That I’m not the only person with these things in mind
(Inside of me)
But all that they can see the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel
(Nothing to lose)
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own


I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

And I’ve got nothing to say
I can’t believe I didn’t fall right down on my face
(I was confused)
Looking everywhere only to find
That it’s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
(So what am I)
What do I have but negativity
’Cause I can’t justify the way, everyone is looking at me
(Nothing to lose)
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own


I will never know myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything till I break away from me
I will break away, I'll find myself today


I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
Somewhere I belong





"No Roads Left"

Standing alone with no direction
How did I fall so far behind?
Why Am I searching for perfection?
Knowing it's something I won't find

In my fear and flaws
I let myself down again
All because


I run
Till the silence splits me open
I run
Till it puts me underground
Till I have no breath
And no roads left but one

When did I lose my sense of purpose?
Can I regain what's lost inside?
Why do I feel like I deserve this?
Why does my pain look like my pride?

In my fear and flaws
I let myself down again
All because
I let myself down
In my fear and flaws


I run
Till the silence splits me open
I run
Till it puts me underground
Till I have no breath
And no roads left but one
No roads left but one

In my fear and flaws
I let myself down again
All because

I run
And the silence splits me open
I run
And it puts me underground
But there's no regret
And no roads left to run





today was the last day of semester. didn't feel like it at all. mugged jap throughout the day. slept through almost the whole of bio lecture because i forgot to bring my notes. also ms seah's last day with us (: thanks for the lessons even if i wasn't a very good student. a lot of funny things happened today too. somehow felt a lot of love for my 三姐 and 大姐 today. kor and didi retarded as usual. but that's all in the morning.

the afternoon was different.

break was fun. ate with regina and then she went off first so i went to talk to the seniors. whee seniors are :D [which reminds me that i can't for STJ :DDD i want to believe that the seniors love us. maybe because i love the senior class too :D] and then went back class bench, talked to more seniors *ahemzichaololol* and then kevin attempted to spike my hair ._. and then felicia asked him to stop it because he seemed like he was bullying a poor little girl =.= or something. but she was pulling me away physically while saying that, so kevin said she looked more like she was about to abuse me or something, i can't remember clearly. then felicia said no and she hugged me, so kevin was like horrified. and then i just concluded that both of them were accusing each other of being pedophiles ._. *sigh* yupyup.

after break went to lts, but not empty yet so people like suat sandy rhen charlotte were outside when esther regina me arrived. then they [rhen & charlotte, but i know that sandy was definitely involved too.] tried to scam me and tell me that kor was sick and went hospital =.= excuse me? anyway, super fail attempt. i think because rhen was half smiling before that. and they made it sound super serious so yah, not convincing. then poor regina and esther kena scammed, later on regina even smsed kor to ask how he was. tsktsk y'all scam innocent people luh! y'all are evil peopleee.

lit lecture haha quite okay yay i took down notes. then math lecture was okay but then people pon kena caught because they were so obvious like wts luh. and then teacher called hazel to talk to her :/ haiz. i hope they don't do it again. i was quite angry at them because they put hazel in a difficult position when she's just doing her job. and i mean like, marking attendance for them was already very nice of her can, then still go and pon then 特地为难她. haiyo. they better not do it again! but no i don't hate anyone, just. yah.

after that was like. um. yeah. the ARGH I HATE GUYS TTM thing again ._. they're worse than girls! gosh. it's hard to explain ): haiz. oh yah and some retard plus some issues just made me cry. -insert vulgarity here- yeah. didn't manage to do much for jap. but aiya heck didn't hand in jap homework in the end anyway. jap oral was :/ but i passed so phew. but then written was just sucky ttm. so yah. screwed lor. 反正 i won't be continuing jap next term because it takes up too much time and i can't cope. yah.

after lessons was quite late so i couldn't go for rj guitar concert T_T SORRY TG! i feel super guilty about not going. ): ): ): he bought the ticket liao leh! pay for me somemore :/ it's okay i've decided to return the favour by paying for his dancenight ticket (: it's the least i can do after NOT attending his guitar concert ): yah so anyway went back to class bench, then walked past chugy's class bench and saw him sitting there so talked to him for quite long. he going for afternoon show! HAIZ. yah okay then he went home i went to play basketball with friends and then dinner at serene centre macs with shooters lolol. me and kor crashed lor. but i knew quite a lot of people there like jarin didi engway sherman zijin shiing so yah, still okay luh (: not so awkward. then took bus to mrt station and talked to shiing on the bus. it feels good to sort of understand the situation better so i won't just misunderstand and infer/assume thing wrongly. yupyup thanks shiing for telling me more! (: then took mrt home lor. at admiralty mrt station i looked up to see jayme in front of me. jane shock~ yah. lol. so 巧. plus she boarded at bishan too! haha. but we didn't even notice each other! haiyo. haha. talked a bit, she said [plus yh] went back stnicks for band farewell. cool. and then yah, dropped off and went home yay :D



OH YAH did i mention that i met syafiq on the mrt on monday!!! :DDD super cool okay! actually at bishan mrt station i saw him liao, but not sure if it's him, because i really didn't imagine that he'd be so short >< haha whoops. then after that was smsing sufyan to tell him about it, and he told me to just go up and ask if that person is syafiq. so yah, i didn't do that instead i smsed syafiq because somehow i had his number so yah. then it really was him so talked quite a bit after that :D feels like i'm talking to some stranger! but it's okay luh he's not stranger. yah. just super cool lor :DDD it'd be cooler if i meet suf/muni on the train though :DDD -prays hard that i do one day-

OH YES and that day i went home with crystal! :D whee. wednesday i mean. yah. but we both ended up sleeping because super super tired so yah. lol. but very fun damn long never go home with her liao (: yup.

yah and then passed the money for black dickies look-a-like to kahhow today (: it's 29 bucks after all because no discount ): sad right! but aiya, better than 55 bucks so like just pay lor, 反正 decide already then just get lor. i need to find a black/white tshirt! i want to use for dancenight (: yupyup. and then nothing much liao.




TRANSCENDANCE!!! 2 MORE DAYS :D WHOO.
and 4 MORE DAYS TO NICE PROPER SLEEP & REST! WHEE.
to the imaginary holidays where we're going to finish all our homework and then go slack or something.
MUST JIAYOU FOR VIOLIN MANZZ.
and then bgirl more often must train harder toprock footwork especially.
also need to mug like shit and catch up on everything single thing.
go for lessons like some guai ass and not skip/pon any, and of course pw meetings.
also, STJ OMGEEZ I REALLY CAN'T WAIT (: i love the seniors! (:
yupyup and band concert on saturday.
last training tomorrow before sunday's dancenighttt.
ALSO MUST CHANGE BLOGSKIN SOON

yupyup that's probably all. super tired now. wanted to write a short story but i'll save that for next time. OFF TO SLEEP! CRASHING LIAOZ. GOODNIGHT WORLD! (:

if i got killed in a car accident today, i wouldn't regret my life. after all, the past 3 months have been awesome. i suppose there's nothing more that i could ask for. i mean, yes i could ask for so much more, but just this past few months, it's more than enough for me to feel that life has a meaning, that i'm not alone in this world, that family love exists and that it's possible to feel like you're on the top of the world for a whole week straight. it's made me realize a lot of things, some i've never known, some just reminders of the joy and happiness of life that i've forgotten after so long. thinking more than ever before, of how fortunate i am to be here, so much so that if getting into hwachong was a tyco, then i'm glad i tyco-ed and i'm glad that i'm not anywhere else right now because i love it here.

it has been a crazy 3 months. 3 months of fun and joy and laughter, 3 months of pain and stress and pressure, maybe a few days of tears and exploding past my limit, another few of emoness and pent up anger. but there's nothing to stop me from saying that even though i'm not catching up with work, it's not really stopping me from enjoying life now. because... maybe there's no reason for all of this actually. just because. just because. because life is supposed to be enjoyed. because friends are supposed to be made. because love is something that warms your heart and places you at the top of the world and even if you're in pain you can still feel that warmth in your heart no matter how much it hurts.

it's hard to express my love for my friends. it's really really hard. school has made me go crazy, now i can't get down from the top of the world, can't clear my vision and think down-to-earth. i'm glad the june holidays are coming. i need time to clear my mind. i might love my friends but it's not good if it makes me go crazy and stop seeing things clearly. like how i need my sleep. like how i need to rest and take a break from all this craziness that i never knew the world could contain.

i need to stop hurting people. this is what happens when i go crazy. i lose my sense of empathy sometimes. there's quite a few things i did in this 3 months that have made at least one person feel sad. i'm sorry about that. they were never meant to happen. if you love someone, you don't hurt them. you protect them from the pain. some were direct, some indirect, but all the same, i hurt people when i didn't mean it at all. i need to control myself i suppose.

i also need to cheer up. being moody doesn't do anything but make everyone in a worse mood. i don't want to do that to people. put them under these kind of conditions.



anyway, i've planned out my mugging schedule for the june holidays. now i'm afraid i might exceed more than 4 days for slacking. i really might. so what happens if i do? :/ i hope i don't. plus extra classes, so haiz. so far there's only lit consultation session, pw meetings, and possible chem revision sessions. i hope it'll remain there. please don't have too many back-to-school stuff. i need my sleep and i need my rest and i need my mugging time and my personal time. thanks.

okay off to practise violin before i go for violin lesson. omg i must jiayou for violin manz.





it sucks when someone treats you nice and you feel pressured to treat that person nice too. i hope it's not true. i really do. it might be hard for me to do it. but i hope not. i will try my best and do my best. it can't be as hard as it feels. right?




confused about my feelings but i don't want it to work that way.


don't come too close because i will move away.

i like my previous post a lot. feel kind of sad that it'll no longer be the first post on my blog after this, but life goes on, and things never stay the same. so there.



this week's been crazy. every week has. but yeah.

a ton of homework due. i'm going to get into big trouble with my chinese teacher if i don't hand in my homework by tomorrow :/ i don't know how zeke doesn't seem to be afraid of the consequences. well, convincing myself that as long as no one contacts my parents, i should be fine. i should. other than that, there's still jap homework and chem class test to study for. or was it just a performance task? i can't even remember these tiny details any more. i don't know what's tested for blocks except for chem. i'm going crazy. but i've always been crazy.

and sometimes you wonder if it's just you, or the world that's changing too fast for you to catch up with.



dancenight full run yesterday was :/ haiz. and then i wanted to watch four after that, but i called to ask my mum and she said no. then i called again and she said no again. so ): i couldn't go. another training session today, which is crazy i know. but our division isn't as hardworking as modern and hiphop most of the time, so i suppose it's justified. shall attempt to go for the training later. supposed library trip, i guess. otherwise i won't be able to leave the house.

this week's just going to be crazy. yes i'll train hard for dancenight. it's one more week away. let's all do our best and do well. it'll end up fine if we believe in ourselves and train hard, right? just going to float my way through school and studies for the last week of term 2. i can't wait to june holidays. not that they're going to be holidays, actually. more like i can't wait to catch up with studies and stop lagging behind. chinese essays are ): and the thursday of blocks is crazy because i have chem & lit & chinese exam. wts right ): haiz. other than that i hope everything's going to be fine.

finished my holiday schedule so i hope it's fine. i'm going to try my hardest to stick to it during the holidays. i will i will. AND leave time to jog and play basketball and go swimming and whatnot. i mean, come on, i don't care if i'm studying like a mugger, i still want my life (: or at least that's my opinion. and of course, violin practice every day without fail. if i forget/procrastinate, i will slap myself. also set aside 4 days for fuchun/rosyth/stnicks/hwachong outings, one day each. if i'm occupied for less than 4 days then yay :D more time for myself.

i am in need of serious time management.



but anyway, i love my class 10S77 is awesome to the max and they are really really family. family love and warmth that i've never felt before. it's hard to explain. it doesn't matter if everyone else thinks that we're a crazy class, or thinks that our class is full of scandals, because we know in our hearts that it doesn't work that way. we're not close because of scandals/affairs/whatnot, we're close because we're family, and because family is family wherever you go, because if we're family it means we love each other, and it also means that no one gets left behind. it feels nice to have a family and family members who care (:



alright off to practise violin before going for training. whoosh.

inferiority complex. or whatever you call it, actually.

some people can be so inspiring. they really are. and sometimes i wonder if i'm even doing anything in this world to contribute to it. will i walk off with my presence known, or my existence forever forgotten?



when you're thinking so deeply about life that you forget the rest.

i forget that i myself am a living person.

that no matter how i think of the world as a whole, of people as a mass of things, of life as the most crucial factor in this universe, and then i realise.

maybe all these things aren't what i think they are. after all, how can people be a mass of things? there's individuality everywhere, even if people follow trends and whatnot. there are the people who inspire, who change the world. and then, if everyone has their own unique traits, then i must have too. but what?

i know a senior who inspires, i know a classmate who loves, i know a friend who feels, i know people who lead. and i start thinking how all these people are the ones who make this world a better place to live in. and then i wonder what have i done? do i even deserve to be here, in this world?

but then i go back to my morals and values, which say that everyone has their place in the world, everyone deserves to be here, their mere existence a reason for us to accept them. and i tell myself that i do deserve to live, that it's not wrong to be here, it's not wrong to feel happy, it's not wrong to enjoy life.

yet what about all the other people who are living but are leading a sad life? how can they stand it? and how can I stand here and smile and laugh, when people are crying and dying? so i tell myself that i cannot be happy, not when so many others are not.

but if i'm not happy, if we're not supposed to lead a happy life, then wouldn't the world be a sad place where existence is meaningless and useless?



and after all the questions, they just come rushing back at me, forcing me to think and rethink my views, forcing me to go crazy, but they just keep going around in circles and sometimes i start to tell myself that there's no answers to these questions.



well, are there?

screwed up day.

combined sports meet wasn't very fun ): i compared us to ants trapped in a enclosed line of water.

attempted to eat class lunch but it failed badly because every where was damn crowded plus we had to get back early. ended up buying sushi at coro for lunch and eating on the way back to school.

bio make-up lecture was fine, but uneventful. nothing much happened, and as usual i couldn't concentrate so, haiz. oh well. pre-lecture test was quite a joke.

after that had cca at 3pm. went late because it was raining and we were supposed to go poolside but were stuck at salt centre =.= anyway i was super tired, so even after getting there i didn't do anything much. after that moved back to salt centre, and went through choreos. because i can't perform for the afternoon show for dancenight, i now have to move my position to the back row for convenience sake of the show ): quite upset about that. but yeah, i know it had to be done luh. actually very grateful already that i'm not being pulled out (:

i really don't want to miss that one show, but it clashes with stupid piano accompaniment lessons which is like 110 bucks per hour. wtf right ): if it was normal violin lesson i'd pon or something but this one really cannot pon! 110 bucks leh ): not that normal violin lesson isn't expensive either :/ haiz. WHY DOES IT HAVE TO CLASH ): argh.

then screwed up a lot of stuff during cca today ._. arghhh. and my toe hurt like shit, either from the shoes/toenail too long. later on during one of the runs, i sprained my thumb doing footwork. THE WORLD HATES ME TODAY. ugh. hurt like shit at first, then got better but it still hurts. and all the information i've read on the net makes it sound like a sprain is very serious. how annoying! ): i hope it recovers soon. it still hurts when i try to bend it ):



only thing that rocked today was basketball. super fun & super funny. yup off to sleep hope tomorrow is better day. goodnight!

sprained thumb ARGH. ): fml.

i love my new shoes :D and my shoelaces are the same shade of grey as my dickies [bboy pants] :D whoo. yay yay yay :D and then um. yah. just trying to ignore un-nice comments luh :/ and ARGH GUYS SUCK TO THE MAX. i'm glad my kor and didi are not like that at all! not that they aren't guys, but erm. more like. CERTAIN guys suck TO THE MAX. ARGHHHH. yah okay a bit pissed today because of people. joey rocks :D and then um. bio test damn fail but i'm past caring about these kind of things so yeah. although i'm probably going to get killed when i finally get my results back. U grades all the way :D lol. no luh but erm. mostly. i'm going to spend the entire june holidays mugging like shit mans. awesome life. block test dates are out whoo :D one week is all it takes. haiz. shall mug hard! :D

cca today quite fun :D quite relaxed, plus learnt new choreo so need to buck up but i still think cca is fun today. everyone went home around the same time which is unusual. waited for kor to come my bus stop then went home together. people like kor seriously have to stop waiting in school for me to end cca ._. HAIZ. haha but he damn cheater today he took bus over! tskk.

pw today was TOTALLY AWESOMENESS. OMG WE WERE ALL SUPER HIGH TODAY after we managed to get almost our entire project and idea together in about 40mins. wow right! :D totally awesome. big thank you to mrs nirmala ong too (: and our project is SO SUPER COOL, that ALL OF US ARE PRETTY DARN EXCITED ABOUT IT :D just ask anyone in our group! :D

actually today quite fun besides the fail part and the pissed part. thank you kor, didi, all my sisters, and people like sandy and estee for making my day. and thanks to my pw group too! :D haha you are all crazy but who cares, we rock the world :D

okay off to do some gpp before i fall asleep ><

whee new shoes :D converse shoes they're grey (: oh yah and that day went to buy dickies i got silver. so yah :D quite nice luh i think i'm into grey stuff nowadays. and then the shoelaces i got are grey and black so whoo :D the grey one looks super nice on it! :D and bought orange shoelaces that day too to use as belt for dickies. new new stuff. oh yah a week ago i bought athena fac shirt because i had no tshirt to run for csm heats. yah. going broke liao ): i owe a lot of people money. sian. shall clear debts tomorrow before i start collecting new ones. yupp.

today was a very very very VERY funny day. super fun too! :D even if i screwed chem test who cares. kor finally finished writing his letter and gave it to me today :D he drew me as a cat! ._. pe was super fun - table tennis! jarin is an awesome table tennis partner :DDD she's like around same standard as me so it's super good to play with her :D and going around playing with everyone is very fun and funny :D then ate chocolate waffles at high school canteen and bought milo and walked back with kor and esther. chem lecture quite okay i could understand stuff so yay :D and then break again i ate the bar of chocolate that kor gave me while attempting to do jap homework but failing. got distracted by estee and sandy attempting to ask kor a question hahahaha very very funny :D after that was gp tutorial and math tutorial. sat next to kor and sandy hahahaha funny funny people :D today super fun day okay! :D after lessons went to eat lunch with a few classmates. quite surprising since i seldom do that AFTER lessons. but yah, i took super long to eat >< and then went back, chionged some jap homework before going for lesson. was doing jap hw during lesson hahaha i'm such a bad student but managed to finish it by the end of the lesson! phew :D lol. and then after lesson went back class bench.

saw teri at class bench and LOL her question super direct! but yah, she told me about whatever estee and sandy were talking about, since she heard it from sarah. =.= i think it's going to pass around the whole class? lol. quite amused luh. then kor came with his friend, shiping, and teri packed up and we went homeee. hahaha then kor confirmed the question and told me more hahaha. quite funny luh. i'm highly amused by the things that estee can think up. i know kor is blur so IF YOU EVER READ THIS JUST REMEMBER TO LISTEN TO YOUR HEART ALWAYS. kor is a super nice guy haha :D reminds me of kenneth kor! ): [although they are nice in different ways.] but he went for NS liao so can't really talk to him for quite a while ): hope i can talk to him soon! ):

and then yah, nothing much already lor. have to think of gpp ideas by today so i shan't spend too much time here. can't wait to wear new shoes to sch tmr :D whoo. okay shall do work now byeee.

two issues.

firstly, i'm trying very hard not to be influenced by people around me. i can feel myself becoming more elitist already. i need to revert back. i can't continue on like this. the feeling sucks, looking down on people sucks. it's just not right. everyone deserves a place in the world for who they are. no one is completely 'useless', and you can't say that someone doesn't deserve to live. it's because of what each individual does that makes the world what it is, even if it's a screwed up world that we're living in. so anyway, i'm trying not to conform to society or pressure, trying to, as some poet puts it, 'be yourself in a world that is making you be someone else'. and i don't know if it's working, but sometimes i'll wonder, who the heck am i? because if i don't even know that, how am i going to be myself?

next, there's this phrase which my mum always says to me when she's angry at me or whatever. she tells me that i'm a 'jack of all trades, master of none'. and sometimes i really want to agree with her. other times, i want to tell her that it's something good, and shouldn't have a negative connotation. on one hand, it feels good to know a lot of things. on the other hand, it really irks me how i just can't seem to do well in anything. so, jack of all trades, master of none. in this sense, we're seeing it as a negative term. but why must things be as they seem. i'd rather be a jack of all trades than a master of something, because i don't want to devote my whole entire life to something. that's just too boring for me. i need a mix, a variety. but is this good? i'm nowhere. i feel like i'm floating in the middle of NOWHERE. and nowhere at all, because i'm neither here nor there, neither good nor evil, neither this nor that. so really, what the heck am i?

i'm totally out of it, out of focus, out of my mind. WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING. i have no idea. it's like i've lost my goal, my target in life. but now that i think about it, i've never had one. it's not like it's something new. all i know right now, is that i don't want to lose this life that i have right now, because it's too precious to me, and i hold it too dear. i can't imagine it at all, but i know that if i lose what i have right now, i'd just collapse. all my friends - they're too precious to lose, and i never ever want to let go. it's like i've gone past caring about my results, about how i'm doing. all i want is to see my friends and know that they're happy with their lives. i don't really care about my own. but yet another conscience is telling me that this isn't right, that life has to be about yourself too.

i'm not doing well in class, i know that. my chemistry teacher isn't happy with me. it's not like i wanted it to happen. is it wrong to say that i don't care about my results? that all i ever wanted and want in life is happiness and doing what i like? but i don't like to make people unhappy either, and i don't like getting scolded either. i don't like getting scolded, and i guess right now i don't really like adults. they don't seem to understand so many things. i wonder if i'll become like that when i grow up too. i hope not. it'd be equivalent to losing half of my life. my life is simple enough. priorities and things i love and want in my life: fun, joy, happiness, friendship, love, freedom, music, dreams, fantasy. is it so hard to achieve? seems that way. because not wanting to upset people comes with a price. like doing my work well, like doing people proud just because. just because. you see, life isn't that simple, even if your goals in life are simple. people who ignore this - they're lucky people. ignorance is bliss, isn't it? maybe, maybe not. but at least you don't feel all the strain and pressure and stress to make people happy.

I HATE HOW EVERYONE LIKES TO LINK EVERYTHING BACK TO YOUR RESULTS AND YOUR GRADES. SO WHAT IF I'M A FAILURE IN ACADEMICS. AT LEAST I'M NOT A FAILURE IN LIFE, RIGHT?

crying again.
there's a quote which goes something like 'reading and weeping opens the door to one's heart, but writing and weeping opens the doors to one's soul.' are you sure? because i don't think so.

i'm having the best and worst time of my life. ever since i've accepted hc as my school, it's been bliss because of the people, because of my friends. but ever since lessons started, it's been torture, and i haven't been able to concentrate at all. facebook group says 'good grades, enough sleep, social life. pick two.' how true. and being a jack of all trades, i'm in between everything right now. what the fuck, right.

screwed life, i know. i just need out, but you can't get out of this life unless you die. which i'm not going to do because i still want to enjoy life after all this torture. oh well, you know, if i commit suicide, at least i'll know that it ended on a high note, because this is, after all, one of the best times of my life. jc life will be memorable, i'm sure. the best and the worst.

and chem test tomorrow and i'm just done with one chapter. everyone makes it seem like it's so easy to mug, to study hard. 'oh, just go over there, sit down and study, and you'll do well.' YEAH RIGHT. AS IF. first you have to make sure you focus and concentrate and not get distracted. next you have to make sure that your brain is in the right mind to accept information. after that you have to make sure that your brain absorbs information. then, you have to make sure that the information is retained in your brain. lastly, you have to somehow be able to apply this information to your test/exam. and these are just the basic stuffs. i haven't even gone into detail.

i'm jealous of my friends - they all don't seem to have any problems with studying. mugging is an internal struggle for me. self-conflict. sad life. oh look, i spent two hours doing crap, now i only have 2 more hours to 12am because that's when i'm supposed to go sleep. and OBVIOUSLY not enough time to finish mugging chem. ugh. this is just crap. i feel like watching anime ): or playing sims or audition or maplestory or something ): just not mugging. to hell with mugging, really ):





on the a-little-brighter side, dancenight tickets whoa chewlin bought 10 straight for her friends. 3 for fuchun friends, and 2 for muni and tg. whoo. nice. totaly 15 tickets and i blasted 105 bucks that day on them. owe people money. i'm freaking broke these few days. eff. need to start saving. maybe i should stop eating. but i can't, because i'd just start emoing and that's not good. ah fuck i can't even emo properly any more ever since i came to hc. screwed up shit. damn the world.

dancenight is coming soon (: i will train hard. even though my mum hates my cca. i don't care, i love it. just stop bothering me, okay? i want to move outtt. i should talk to my dad when i'm free. june holidays, come quickly. i need you, so hurry.

thanks to my friends for just being there and existing.

and this is random shits, but i love my kor and didi you guys are awesome keep rocking on, okay? (:



lol thanks melissa i see your tag (: it's okay i'll be fine i hope.

OKAY.

i have decided that i have been too emo. so i am here to post some non-emo rubbish and get back to work.

ken's coming over to my house later to mug :O i can't imagine him mugging at all! lol. and buying lunch for me too yay :D chicken rice lol. and then i hope i can finish all urgent tutorials and PI and mug bio by today. hopefully can start on chinese too? :/ but chinese is ): so i don't think i'll start on it. 反正 i have no idea what to write! 800 word essay mans. it's new homework by the way - i didn't do the previous essay. ^^" lol.

yup and for dancenight tickets omg chewlin just ordered like 8 tickets straight from me for herself and friends, so i exceeded my limit already because muni and tg's coming too so that's like 10 tickets. whee thanks to people like seantan and gateaux i can order more tickets thank you people! oh yah kaien also but then i directed him to a certain seanlim who needed more tickets [6?! omg i wonder who he's inviting. if gateaux heard he might say that seanlim's inviting all his girlfriends or something lolol.] but was too lazy to ask around ._. haiz. yup. still asking people. fuchun friends not coming apparently ): haiz. at first i only asked fuchun friends. then rosyth. and finally decided that it would be fine to ask stnicks friends so yah. so disappointing fuchun friends not coming D: SAD FACE.

yup okay then umm. yah somehow kor is like super guai now or something? i don't know. i just never thought he was that mugger. and then i didn't believe it but he really emo-ed yesterday when me and didi were yelling all over the place and whatnot :/ felt quite bad after that. i thought he was joking. but yah, all 3 of us going crazy already i know. me and didi trying to be mugger like shit, and then kor is like surpassing us so it's just not a very good feeling - being left behind and lagging and whatnot. OKAY WAIT I SAID I WOULDN'T EMO RIGHT. oh no. haha. yah okay so just, i shall try to mug more and not lag lor (: yeah.

AND OMG I CAN'T WAIT FOR JUNE HOLIDAYS BUT THEY'RE SO SO SO FAR AWAY. haiz. and oh yah piano accompaniment is effing expensive i'm damn scared i screw up the whole thing this year. I NEED TO BUCK UP. i have this love-hate relationship with violin so i need to start leaning more towards the love side and start practising more often. like how i didn't feel like practising yesterday - that's bad. and dancenight is coming soon haha felix came to watch our item on friday. he looks scary when he doesn't smile! but he's quite funny actually. i need to remember all my steps and not forget anything! and then yeah, we'll start performing, not just doing the steps.

lastly, thanks to people who have been very supportive so far. or random people that i've talked to. like um. ken who is damn random but was quite serious about work yesterday i think that was one of the first times he talked to me about schoolwork and handling it and stuff :O and munin and tg and chewlin for deciding to come watch dancenight. it's oddly comforting knowing that they're going to be there (: talking to muni and tg last night was also very comforting (: felt like we were catching up on times and yeah (: just felt good about it so thanks to them, really (: i'm going to go watch tg's guitar concert :DDD oh yah then hope fuchun friends will come and watch dancenight too (: but apparently kc dao-ed me and sherilyn can't go and duncan isn't sure yet and ken is just waiting for people to go so yah. haiz :/ oh well i hope fuchun friends in hwachong go :D like chugy crystal mx yeah. okay off to do work now byeee :D

and sometimes you just hate life for what it brings you.



EFF.

the world should just burn and die.

everyone in the world is evil including me YES WE ARE ALL ROTTEN PEOPLE WHO DESERVE TO DIEEE. personal worth and self gain and all that shit isn't worth living for.
ohmygod what the heck am i talking about?



to hell with love and friendship and all that.

THEY ARE FREAKING SCREWING UP MY ENTIRE LIFE.

you'd think that being altruistic and all that was something good, but no, it isn't, because it is making my life go crazy and i don't know how long i can keep this up.

so what if you love your friends more than yourself.
so what if you actually care for them more than you give a damn about yourself.

it all ends up as nothing, because everyone's selfish, everyone wants the best for themselves, and no one's going to give a shit if you gave up your life for them. they just wouldn't.

what a rotten world we're living in.





okay sorry i'm not exactly mentally stable right now.
molecules with high energy are unstable, thus i am often unstable in school when i'm super high. agreed? :D
okay that's not the point. i'm not exactly high now, just damn pissed and stressed and frustrated. emphasis on frustrated, i suppose.
yes everyone should just ignore the paragraphs on top okay? not good for your mental health, really.

managed to do quite a bit today. or at least i didn't slack off too much. read through chem bonding and gaseous state and finished enzymes tutorial and doing gaseous tutorial now but failing horribly. maybe i should just move on to differentiation tutorial or something to make myself feel better i don't know. oh yeah read oranges too whee :D not bad i guess for someone who hasn't done work in a long long time. can feel my body starting to crash already. brain not crashing yet though. just frustrated.



and i don't really like the fact that people don't like other people. i don't like seeing/feeling hate in the world. it makes me unhappy and sometimes emo. i'm a peace loving person. peace out people.



still have a ton of homework. so sorry for the incoherent post. off to do more homework sorry i just needed a place to rant and release all that pent up frustration. goodbye world (: till next time.

monday's a holiday. wow.

it's been too long. every day feels like a week. every week feels like a month. something could have happened in the morning, and i'd say 'oh you know yesterday...' crazy right? my mind's going nuts. it totally sucks how i'm having the best and worst time of my life. i can't explain best, it's just, i've never been so happy and satisfied with where i am before, so yes, i'm glad i came to hwachong and i know i've said this before. awesome friends are making the time of my life, and yet, lagging behind in work is killing me. feels like shit, especially when i know everyone is ahead of me. like everyone in my class and i'm serious, they are ahead.

i really really want to do well, but i'm really really tired and i just keep crashing every day when i get home. so somehow all my time disappears into nothingness and i'm left with no time to do any work. and because i can't concentrate in school [i'll just spend the time talking to friends, because being with my friends keep me going.] i end up not doing any work at all.

first dancenight full run today, it was fine i think. not sure about the others and quite sad that we're only doing one item but -sigh- oh well. yay we're all going to get dickies next week :D can't wait :D AND we can get our own colours how cool is that (: awesomeness to the max. 50 bucks whoo :D top up of 5 bucks :D i feel so fortunate. seniors' discussion was extremely hilarious with all the arguing of shorts vs longs. damn funny. after that went to find kor and dajie. [esther. lol.] oh yah and hazel and the guy who claims to be my father ._. [weilun] were there too. s77 people ftw :D they were doing the film competition quite cool :D lol at the plot, double lol at the people acting :D later on we went over to boarding school to film it and felicia came down to watch. oh yah kiatlong was there too, sv person. lol at chinese homework. lol at a lot of things. had a super fun time even though i was damn tired and hungry and should have gone home around 5 plus but ended up leaving school at 8 plus instead. but it was very very fun. i just can't imagine not being there, you see. i hate missing things. emphasis on the word hate. after that took 961 with weilun :D yay lol. quite fun to talk to him i realised :D

okay here's my supposed extended family.

PREVIOUSLY:
rhen - da jie
bryan - kor
mark - didi

NOW:
suat - ahma
jarin - aunt
weilun - father who adopted the whole class so apparently the whole class are siblings?!
[MY (doesn't mean everyone's) siblings in descending order from the oldest]
esther - da jie
bryan - kor/da ge
rhen - er jie
regina - san jie
ME :D
mark - didi
weichuan - 5 year old kid

god. and apparently rhen is married to parveen, and estee claims that she's married to me [but i deny it], and parveen's boyfriend is kevin, and kevin is regina's nth male lover, and parveen used to be in a relationship with estee, and longpeng is gay with weichuan, and weichuan is supposedly with estee, and OKAY LOOK HOW SCREWED UP OUR CLASS IS ._. no one should try drawing up a family tree like this ._. yeah. i wanted to try but hmm. reconsidering. lol but quite cool luh i think in the end everyone's related. whoo okay. what am i talking about man.

okay sian nothing much liao or maybe too many things on my mind. shall go off to attempt homework now and not fall asleep. byeee :D

TIRED.

and still feeling a bit emoish so actually i can revert back any time. but oh well. today afternoon with kor and regina was fun :O :D and people should stop staying back to wait for me, seriously.

quite pissed that the chem alternative assessment survey is now closed ._. damn. EXCUSE ME UGH it closed at 12am now i don't know what to do. eff. totally. i was very tired so i wanted to rest first before doing the survey but oh look now it's not even open i don't even need to worry about it any more. UGH. what is with 12am stuff. i reached home late so basically i think i'm screwed because i didn't do the survey. shit mans.

TIRED AND SLEEPY AND PISSED.

but it's okay because i'm going to sleep now and i have been sleeping for the past few hours. legs became numb for n number of times already due to me sleeping in weird positions like while sitting on a chair and leaning on a table. yeah.

kk dancenight full run tomorrow [oh wait today] hope it goes well and don't end too late. YAY monday is a holiday i'm going to chiong homework mans. wish me luck :D and asking around to see if anyone wants to come watch dancenight (: only 8 tickets max for non-hc people. haiz. sian right.

kk i'm sweating like shit and hiccuping shall just go to sleep now. GOODNIGHT WORLD this post is very messed up.