PHEW.

damn is life sucky right now.
on the other hand, what's life without stress and pressure and all these stuff? but you know, not like i feel it yet. i feel nothing. i'm working so hard and studying so hard because i want to do well, but honestly, i don't feel a thing towards promos. maybe it just hasn't reached me yet. hmm. i wonder.

anyway, walao today damn screwed luh, woke up at 8am but slept like crazy so i hardly did any work =.= sian ttm can. to think i planned out a whole long list of things to do today. bleh. aiya whatever haha i knew i wouldn't be able to finish them all anyway, just going to try my best lor.

at times like these, it feels like, somehow, the clouds have covered the sun, such that  i can no longer see the beauty in life. not that studying isn't good. i'm fine with studying. studying hard makes you feel accomplished. i like that feeling. but i don't know, i just can't see the wonders of life right now. momentarily blocked from my vision, i guess. maybe if i pick up my violin and play a little, or take some time to sit at the piano and touch the keys, or dust my guitar and strums a couple of chords, maybe then i'll be able to rediscover it. i believe music is one of the ways to re-visit the meaning of life. i should take some time off to do that later, really. the world's just so dark right now, where's my beam of light to take me through this and realise the joys of life?

i think i'm falling sick. these few days damn cold leh. don't like the fans any more. and showering with tap water is a killer. is it my immune system or something ._. [it's been too long since i showered with tap water. shall get back to that habit soon. it's a good habit.] just cold throughout the day which is damn sian, and in air con classroom with the aircon aimed at me i can just die. even if i'm warm i also don't want the fan or air con. siannn. i don't want to fall sick D: how ah. shall stop eating junk food and attempt to drink more and sleep more bah :/ almost getting sore throat also. maybe i'll go jogging or something in an attempt to sweat it out ._. yeah. plus my stomach and digestive system is going crazy on me. freaks. seriously, ugh. maybe it's because i eat at super random times and eat super random things so my stomach can't take it bah ._. okay okay shall try to be more constant i guess. pshh.

i think i'm screwed for promos. okay actually i don't. aiya don't know luh. i don't know if i'm just too stubborn and refusing to accept my screwed-upness, or i'm not screwed so that's why i can't feel a thing. it's so hard to understand my own emotions =.= bleh. yeah okay luh really need to get back to studying liao. today is a bad day cos i have to scavenge for food at home D: on the other hand, it's rather peaceful (: shall go listen to or play some music and continue doing work bah (: stay-at-home-to-study days are good (:



i don't think i've ever liked someone this much before.

you know, you people have got to stop making me cry ):

i'm not like you, i can't express my thoughts in such beautifully phrased words.
nor am i like you, i can't express my feelings directly and in a straightforward manner.
so i can only try to do both at once, failing miserably. but yet, i still try. because it's worth the effort.


after this, and i realise that everyone's been hurt. honestly, i don't know what exactly happened [which is why i'm going to find out when i can.] but i really, really hope that this change is for the better.

i've always wanted to know, how much do i mean to people, to others. i'm always curious as to what people think of me. i'm self-conscious, and i care. it isn't wrong, but it doesn't feel right either. why should i care what strangers think about me? in fact, why should i care what friends think about me? if they're my friends, they'll accept me for who i am. won't they? but everyone has this inferiority complex in some way or another. and mine's just what people think of me. it's stupid, it's shallow, i know. but it's me. trying to change it is hard. i know, because i've been trying for a long long time. and no, obviously it hasn't worked.

so ever since i've had this bunch of awesome people to talk to, to hang out with, to go crazy with, to do almost anything with, ever since i've found this joyful part of life, i've been afraid. more afraid and scared than i have ever been. because it's true what they say. when you have something to love and realise how much it means to you, you also realise the possibility of losing it and never getting it back. for me, the happier i am, the more scared i am. scared that i'm going to lose the very things that are making me smile. afraid that all these people will just disappear from my life some day or another. because i know i cannot possibly handle that. because how can they be like that? make me love them and then just go and leave my life. [okay crap i'm crying again now .__.] it's like an exponential curve. as my happiness level goes up, my fear of losing these things shoot up like crazy. because the more i love it, the more precious it becomes to me, and the more afraid i am to lose it.

which is exactly what i'm so afraid of now. that i've lost a part of these happy things. i don't want to. i want things to be like what they used to be. i want things to go back. i want time to go back. i want to keep being happy, and see people happy. because just like you, seeing my friends happy makes me happy too. and i can't be happy if i know that someone's not. i just want to get back to the way it used to be. i wonder if it will, if it can. guess i'll find out tomorrow. i want to say hi to everyone with my smiley face and get back the same response, and i don't want to think about this any more. [which will probably be difficult not to.] because maybe i made a mistake to talk about it. because maybe i should have just kept quiet. maybe i shouldn't have mentioned it. but i don't like to see quarrels and arguments and stuff like that. and i guess, in a way, i wanted you guys to know too. and when i found out that you've read, i was happy and sad/worried at the same time. partly happy because you read and you cared, but sad and worried because i was wondering, what have i done? have i made it worse instead? have i made the unhappiness and dislike grow deeper? because i never intended to. because all i wanted to do was to help, but if what i've done has made it worse, then i must say this - i'm sorry. sorry for the pain and the hurt and the tears. sorry for everything that i've done wrong. sorry, but thank you. thank you for the love and thank you for caring. sorry and thank you. and then, after all this crap that i've typed, i heart you.





on a less emo note, i really feel like doing something for everyone. before promos. but i can't think what. i really can't. my brain always fails me when i really need it. ugh. what to do for everyone before promos? compose/sing a song? write a message? buy stuff for them? help them with studying [even though i suck at it]? i don't know. still thinking. zzz.

ohyah and wanted to blog about the whole week, but i can't really remember it now. just that i went to library yesterday and today to study, and didn't get much work done ): ): ): sad face. seriously. but better than staying at home to hear a certain someone luh. and then today ate dinner at coffeeshop with family (: hee. damn full after that. but yeah. and yay imma bring that library book to school to read when i'm free. it's due on the 3rd day of promos! siannn. want to finish reading it before returning leh. but need to share with my dad so can't kope the book for too long also. sounds nice. thinking of answers by ac grayling (: it's a philo book. whee. okay. nothing much. promos in a week. i can't believe this. time passes so fast ): and nope, i'm not done mugging. finished reading through bio though. :/ wonder if that helps actually. math i'm still left with series & sequences. ugh sian .__. and chem eeyer still have 3 more topics leh! zzz. how did i survive blocks manz. ohyah. i didn't. =.= great. i think my h3 is going to fly and good results fly too, but nothing's worth giving up this easily, so (: jiayou me for the next week bah. gogogo jane :D




and friends, please don't let this event stress you out too much, or stumble in your revision and studies, kay? because we know that after all this, in the end, we will still be there for each other and support each other until the very end, until this barrier is over. no one is alone. so here's a quote for you:

When you're struggling with something, look at all the people around you and realize that every single person you see is struggling with something, and to them, it's just as hard as what you're going through. - Nicholas Sparks (Dear John)

i couldn't take it any more. i went to read. and now i'm here, feeling so torn i don't know what to do.

two sides.

but there's only me, and i can't split myself up to help you guys.


when you're beyond the point of caring and realise that all these things that they're doing are just ridiculous.

i was on one side, and then i realised it was uneven, unfair even. so i went to read. and now i'm here, feeling so lost and confused, i don't know who to help.

childish, that's what all of you are. but now that i'm typing this, of course i'm asking myself that question too. to do this, aren't i exhibiting the exact same childishness that all of you have done? perhaps. but still. with no doubt about it, childish. i didn't say i wasn't.


why can't everyone understand that this isn't about the work, the pressure, nor the stress, the time, the consequences. because what you've all overlooked is the heart. and what i'm feeling right now is a painful heart aching to reach out to you guys, but i don't know how, i don't even know if i should. i no longer know what's right or wrong, and i no longer want to know. because all i know is that i'm on the same side as all of you, even if you guys are on a thousand different sides. because all i know is that i want to help, but i can't. not in any way that i can think of right now, at least.

it hurts, you know. why do people have to do this. it pains me. and it makes me want to cry. but crying ain't gonna work, ain't gonna solve this. why are you doing this to me. why do you have to make things so difficult.

so i don't want to take sides. and i'm left as an idiot in the middle of nowhere.


because of friends, because i love them, because i would give anything to see them smile, hear them laugh. that's why. because i can never bear the pain that they go through, because when they cry i want to know what's hurting them, because if someone bullies them i want to be the one to stand up for them. but when it comes down to friend versus friend, tell me, what do i do then?



i'm hurting inside and i know it's never gonna be the same, perhaps until this is over.

why don't you get it? it was never about those in the first place. it was never about who, never about the top, never about the rank. never about revenge, never about retaliation, never about hitting back.



because to me, it's all about the heart.

okay. i'm like. officially nuts. siao. goner. i need to go sleep or something.
 
people who can't take the pressure please STOP READING FROM HERE.
warned you already, so if you continue reading and start regretting or going emo, then i can't help you.



anyway, studied like siao today. finished dna replication from yesterday [only did like half yesterday], and then eukaryotic gene expression which was a crazy topic and took me 65478394029348 hours to complete, and differentiation. was supposed to do more than that though D: bleh. hoping to complete another chapter before i go to sleep. feeling sleepy already anyway ): but yah. whoosh. i just posted 6 facebook statuses in 20 minutes. haha. really shows how crazy i am already. anyway, hoping to salvage... oh man i really don't like this word. hoping to sprint this last mile or so in a rather fail attempt to fix the mistakes i've been making throughout the year. hope it works, really.

for myself, for my ideals, for my friends, for the people i love. and even for the contradictory part of me who wants to just continue slacking right now until the end of time. a little bit of discipline ain't gonna hurt. because i know how painful it can be without this bit of control and discipline. i don't want it to end up bad. i don't want to end up regretting. after all, my ideals say never to regret. i'm not going to regret what i've done. so there. watch me. imma fly this last mile. put on that burst of speed. just go for it and go for everything, because. just because. because i realised that maybe i care after all. because i realise that it's possible to put aside the slack me for this span. because i want to feel that sense of accomplishment. because i want to prove people wrong. because someone managed to slap me awake early enough. it's not too late. nothing's ever too late if it hasn't happened yet. i'm early this time.



this week has been crazy. the first week of school and so many things going on, i'm stumped. was going to continue slacking, but then yeah, someone almost literally woke me up. so now i'm just going crazy trying to do all that i can to detonate this ticking time bomb to promos. attempting to finish reading most of math chem and bio by tuesday. i'm like 2/8 done with math, 7/12 of chem, and 6/14 of bio. wowee. just need to speed up a little bit more and i should be fine. i really don't want to spend the holidays regretting anything, i want to enjoy my holidays. if this bit of work can help me to end up feeling accomplished and allow me to enjoy my holidays fully, then yes, it's definitely more than worth it. and then hopefully from wednesday i can start writing lovely notes (: mindmaps all the way manz. especially bio and chem. will die without those mindmaps. i need to get an example of a mindmap first, though. shall ask around next week (: maybe zichao or weiqi or someone like that. i need to know what a mindmap looks like ._. heh. and then hopefully finish notes/mindmaps by end of next week or middle of the week after, and start doing revision and prac questions like siao. bleh.

actually only started mugging like crazy from wednesday luh. so yeah. i guess planning to finish mugging everything in a week. well, it's possible you know. reading the stuffs, that is. yeah. on a side note, i really want to read that library book that my dad borrowed! but i don't think i'll have time until after promos ): ): ): triple sad face can. it's some philo book by a.c. grayling. a new one, out this year. ohyah this whole week siao de. monday i'm quite sure i went out or something. or stayed very late in school. dunno. just know that i went home quite late. tuesday can't remember liao. wednesday mugged in school then went to eat dinner with ken then walked home again. lol (y) awesome. i think it's actually quite fun we should do it more often. thursday there was math test. lolol binomial test sia. how to study. thursday stayed in school to mug again. in the library (: heh. the school library is my new favourite place manz. then after that went to classroom to mug, and ended up going home early by taking the bus with regina. whee thanks for the notes regina :D we revised for friday's chem test on the bus (: yep. then friday chem test was kind of screwed, but whatever la huh. and had university talks lolol i went for smu and nus talks. after that went for dinner with cryst & yh (: at pastamania. and then woodlands library to study and then popular to buy stationery (: there's a good day. heh. yup then today supposed to wake up at 8am but ended up waking up at 10 plus am and mugged from 11 plus to 11pm with a lot of breaks in between. lol. but yeah, sian. will probably finish a bit more stuff before i sleep, cos i really want to stick to my schedule. yep.

next week going to mug like siao. wednesday with cryst and hopefully yh at school library, then thursday & friday with them at woodlands library. ohyah i need to do my chinese homework too ): okay shall try to squeeze some time in tomorrow or something to do. bleh. ohyah and i realised control of euk gene is only 19 pages :D :D :D hooray. we hardly ever get thin notes any more ): boo. okay yah i need to get back to studying soon.



eff you see kay. seriously. because, you know, i'm human too and i'm a selfish brat who sometimes wants her way and fights for it with no intention of giving in.

because my realization is that the only way to ever survive humanity and reality is by being a walking contradiction. like studying hard for good grades, but slacking hard to enjoy life. like loving something and hating it at the same time. like agreeing sometimes and disagreeing sometimes. like smiling outside and crying inside, or crying outside and laughing inside. by being flexible when the time comes for you to change, and adapting to the changes when you have to. by understanding that no matter how many friends or good friends or best friends you have, you're still alone in this world and you can't rely on others to help you. because, you know, the world's so shallow they won't even notice, and if you're not deep enough to see or understand this then you're just one of the many shallow people out there who lead miserable lives.

it might just be one of my sadistic moments, but you know, maybe it makes more sense than you think it does.





watch me. watch me fly.

12.44am

got to school early, warmed up, then played pvsp. against damn zai seniors who were previously in basketball and netball so basically we were quite fail D: but it's kay haha we won one game. against j2s. by one point. haha. zai or not. yeah then after that got one more match which we lost, and that was it. whoo. it was fun while it lasted (: thanks everyone, good game (: then i stood around watching j2 seniors play bball for a quite a while before going back to bench and stoning. lunch was at serene centre macs :D me reg mark bryan jarin abigail (: yaye. then after that went back to school and stoned some more, meditated/slept, and then finally attempted homework but failed. then kenneth [luyang! lol.] came to our bench area and we talked for a while before me and reg finally decided to go shower so that we could go for dinner after that (: went for dinner at subway at btp with reg and mark (: saw teri there. and sherwin wearing a pink shirt. and later when we were walking to bus stop, saw engway wearing a pink polo tee too. both polo tees sia. pink loving group. plus mark also like pink. siao de. no wonder same clique =.= haiz. yeah.

after that came back for maf. and missed the pre-maf performances [the cool stuff! ): ): ):] but managed to get the rest (: yeah. watched the performances alone though. had the usual headache. started ever since i came back from pvsp/watching bball, but it wasn't that bad in the afternoon. became worse and i just couldn't take it so yeah. sorry if i looked very down and stuff :/ didn't mean to.

anyway, survived damn red eyes plus a splitting headache to enjoy maf and all its glory. sodache was seriously fun ttm (: love you guys. zichao mark esther weilun longpeng regina charlotte jireh :D and saw other seniors too. haha i saw sarahkoh. she was like :O your hair! while i was on the train! hahaha. yeah. we trained a lot and jumped around a lot and swayed a lot and had a ton of fun. [no wonder so many hc people can play bball. keep jumping de. LOL.] ohyah hahaha sodache dance partner was zichao. i swear he mug the dance steps manz! anyway, it was really damn fun even with my headache. it didn't get better [my headache], but i certainly had so much fun it was worth it. maf with friends like that pwns headache by a hundred times any day. i felt really happy :D even though i almost emo-ed during one of the songs, because i was thinking about how sad it would be to lose such awesome friends. but oh well. heh. i had a wonderful fun-filled evening that i'm not going to be forgetting any time soon. and which i hope i won't forget for the rest of my life. [which would be highly impossible, but i can always hope (:] i love you all.


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on a side note, i realised that there might actually be a reason why i don't ask for help. [eg. concerning studies and academics and homework.] and maybe it's because i don't trust people. [like teachers and seniors and friends.] oh manz.

on another side note, i don't know whether this is a good or bad thing. it feels good but i think it's morally bad :/ shucks.

on yet another side note, i'm glad (:

and on the very last side note, [4 sides so must have 4 side notes xD] i love life right now the way it is, and i wish so much for it to just stay this way, but i know that's not going to happen. so all i can do is hope, and to remember this time of my life, and remember it well with that spirit of fire inside me, because i don't want to forget the things that i've once been passionate about.



ohyah and did i mention that i really don't like it when my mum nags? whether it's at me or not.

and fuck it's last day of holidays already. no work done yet. still have all the crappy homework in the world. did i mention that i hate homework? mugging is so much more fun than homework la please. i'm going to chiong stuff today, even though it's like 2pm already. wish me luck (: hopefully can mug a lot and dao homework or something. heh xD sorry luh i really don't like homework mah. yeah. zzz damn sian i hate homework. okay off to study so my mum won't get pissed and so that i'll be more satisfied with myself because then i'd have spent my holidays having fun AND doing work. heh (: [yeah right, as if.] buhbye (:






this is the second time. it makes me smile knowing that, but it saddens me that you probably don't remember.

blehhh. what am i doing here i'm supposed to be studying UGH ): pvsp and maf tmr. like whoa too many things man. haiz.

went to school yesterday to study (: brought my guitar to school :D other people in school were esther bryan weiqi suat weilun zixin zichao and more. and because i didn't tie up my hair, all hell broke loose ._. everyone just went like :O x1000 at my hair. ughhh =.= sian. kena niao-ed like a lot, especially by zichao and engway. like walao. zichao was damn annoying in the classroom can. keep calling me violent =.= then say he'll tell my future bf or something. like totally lol at that. but yah damn retarded luh. zzz. managed to study quite a bit even with all the fun people around luh (: phew. and left school around 6.30pm.

anyway, i'm starting my guitar craze again. actually i wouldn't use the word craze. more like, addiction. heh (: which probably means that i'm going to start studying a lot too. haha. i know you don't see the link, but there's a link for me. i will study more, and use my breaks in between to play guitar (: yupp. that's what i did when studying for o's too. like how i almost fell asleep [again] today while studying, and used my break to go play guitar instead. was very awake after that (:

no more violin lessons now. it's a good and bad thing. i can't just stop playing it like that. i really really can't. i will be EXTREMELY DISAPPOINTED IN MYSELF if i stop playing violin. i grew up playing it. and i know my life wouldn't to be the same without violin. no matter how bad and how sucky i am at it, i know i still love it and even if i'm not pro or good or anything, it doesn't matter as long as i don't stop playing the violin.





i'm having this issue with people and how they treat seniors :/ it's not something bad, but yeah, just saying luh. it's just, you know how everyone's always asking the seniors how to do this and that, and i just feel like we shouldn't be doing that. occassionally is fine, but doing it so often, it's just. i don't know. i feel annoyed and irritated, but i feel bad because it's not like it's a crime. i guess personally i just feel as if we're disturbing the seniors and taking valuable time away from them, and that's not something very nice. if i were a senior i wouldn't mind answering questions, but too many is really too many, and like, the seniors have their own stuff to study for too, so yeah. but i guess it's just me thinking too much and feeling the way i feel. i don't know what the seniors think, but if they're fine with it then okay lo.

just saying, because i'm strongly against asking the seniors how to do work on a regular basis. unless, you know, you're sec 4 and they're j1 and they don't have to study for a's yet and stuff, but since they're studying so much now, i know very well that for myself, i wouldn't disturb them or anything. never. because they mean too much to me. i know it sounds weird but yeah. it's true. they mean too much to me, so much so that i don't want to push it these building blocks, no matter how stable. it's just a personal thing.

and i'm just veryvery strongly against asking them, so i don't really like it how so many people in our class are asking the seniors how to do every single question that they don't know how to solve. it's just a difference in thinking, so maybe i just need to stop thinking so much. but it's really really annoying to me, even if i'm not the one involved. i just can't stand watching it and it's really hard to bear with it, seeing the seniors get frustrated or stumble over these obstacles that we place for them, obstacles which can be avoided if we don't ask them all these silly questions. i know, some questions asked are ultimately for their good, because it gives them practice and revision and all that, but what about those questions which they try to explain but we don't get, and they have to waste their valuable time and put in so much effort just to explain it to us. how can we demand so much of them? it's just not right...

i guess it's just me. i revere them too much. i know i do. but i can't help it, and i can't help feeling annoyed when these people that i revere so much are disturbed by others. when i look at it from this angle, i don't see my classmates as friends in need of help, but disturbances to the calm flow of water that i'm so used to when observing the seniors. to me, they are people to look up to, to admire, and not to disturb or to make use of. i guess that's the difference between me and the rest :/ sigh. i guess i'm just. over-protective.





i realised that in a relationship there's almost always a side that's giving more. it's so apparent in all my observations so far. not love, but friendship. people like zixin and zichao, bryan and mark, among other examples. i'd give you examples of me, but they're all the same, because in almost all the example, i'm the one giving less and taking more. with regina, esther, charlotte, mark, jarin, and so many other people. i never seem to be the one giving more. and it hurts me to realise that. the what hurts the most is never being able to give more. because while for some people i can give more, others i really can't. it's not a matter of whether i want to or not, it's a matter of whether i can. because even if i really want to give back what i've taken, i can't seem to do it. and i don't know why either ): it just works that way.

it's the same way how a person can consider someone else their best friend, but their best friend might not consider them a best friend back. all relationships are two sided, but the two sides are almost never equal, never balanced. and it must hurt so much to give so much but not have your love returned. because i've experienced it too. and it's sad, but there's nothing you can do if you really love that person. [love as in the friend love.]





and whoa i just found out something about someone. like o.O it's not like i never thought of it. i just didn't think it was that serious. but it's okay because i intend to help. jiayou kay!

i need to sleep really soon and pack my bag which is going to be super full. bringing stuff to study & clothes for tmr, so yeah. might shower in school tomorrow or something. tomorrow's schedule is PvsP, study [if there's time], lunch, study, dinner, MAF. is that awesome or what? (: i can't wait. one whole day with my 10s77 classmates (: yaye. okay off to pack my bag and maybe study a bit. bleh i want to bring my guitar with me wherever i go now ._. it's part of the addiction :/ why do i have a feeling i won't be getting over it any time soon. which is good acutally :D because i no longer hate chords now :D :D :D i love chords and solo. which makes it much easier to learn chords now YAYE :D hee. okay yeah need to pack bag buhbye goodnight world! (:

tuesday 7 sept 11.49pm [saved post]

i'm going to call fuchun peeps the 'gang' from now on :D just because... it feels like one. gang meet today with mx sherilyn tingwei ken crystal (: awesomeness ttm. love all of them so much. thanks for the wonderful evening full of fun and crap (: we should do this more often. i love the gang :D

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wednesday/today!

my hair's so short now [went for a haircut yesterday] it looks like a stump when i tie it up. probably won't tie it up when i go to school. mum insists that i tie it up though =.= like whatever. my next goal is to cut a guy's hairstyle :D oh yeah :D

didn't do anything again today. finished watching mars for the uhm. i don't know. 3rd or 4th time bah. (: yaye. i was planning to watch the whole thing, but later episodes i skipped the parts of family history discovery. which was quite short actually. like few minutes out of all the episodes. heh xD i like the drama too much to skip too much (: yup. and then i attempted to do some work and play some violin, but didn't do much. then slept for like 2 hours in the afternoon. before i got up and had to get ready to go for violin lesson. last violin lesson today :/ haiz. mixed feelings. i think i'll have withdrawal symptoms or something. or just get depressed. don't know. i don't know where to start self prac-ing. promised my parents i would though. so yeah. i will. just, don't know where to start, that's all.

imma dust my guitar later and hopefully bring to school tmr if my mum has no objections. then can let esther play (: going to school tmr to study. hope it turns out well. yupyup. nothing much liao. i kind of miss my long hair :/ just a bit. and i really really need to start studying. like a lot a lot. if i don't i know i'm not going to make it for promos. it's not exactly living up to expectations of others, but more of... wanting to make them happy, make them proud, make them smile (: wanting to please them, wanting to do all this because i love them more than they'll ever know, love them for being there for me and for believing in me, so i'm going to do this for them. and no, i don't mean my parents.

my face/nosebridge/head still hurts from yesterday. banged my head against the playground bar ._. forgot it was there. too long never play liao. hurt like crap after that. now there's a bruise ): ouch. shall rub more and hope it goes off soon. having a bruise on your face hurts ): haish. and i have a lot a lot a lot of books to read :/ how ah. haish. kk off to eat apple and apricots and healthy stuff and then dust my guitar case and bring it out and try and hopefully bring to school tomorrow and pack my bag and do work. aka study. shall attempt to get at least some work done today. after all i slept a lot and i'm going to school tomorrow so i'll finish a smaller workload tomorrow i guess. sigh :/

anyway, was sitting at the table with my parents just now, and suddenly i just felt as if i was sitting next to two strangers whom i don't know. it's really true sometimes. i don't know these people, i don't know how their minds work. my dad i can understand a bit more than my mum, but its still not enough. now that i think about it, i guess my mum's quite easy to figure out actually. she's just very traditional in her opinions. my dad's just the opposite, not exactly modern, but more like... abstract. but it annoys me how i don't seem to understand them and what they're thinking about at all. okay, look, traditional views i know. stuff like being a girl and not being able to come home late, not being able to wander outside at night, well basically not being able to do a lot of things that girls aren't supposed to do. like okay fine, traditional, i get it. not happy with it, but fine. hair issues i don't exactly get it [come on, even traditional girls had long hair right.] but i know that too, stuff like her hating long hair and long fringes and long whatever and basically i should just go get a guy's hairstyle but the retarded one because cool guy hairstyle involves long fringes or long hair and stuff. like wtf, but okay. and then there's elitism. although they don't put it to practice of course. which i don't understand why, but i can empathise, so fine. now, not only do we have all these issues, and as if there isn't enough issues to go around already, there's even discrimination. against people. shan't specify because it wouldn't be nice to, but yeah. like. wtf. what is their problem? yeah, okay, fine, i have no experience, i haven't met people like that before, i don't know what they're really like. but seriously, what the fuck. do they seriously think that everyone who is put under this catergory, of everyone with this same trait, are actually the same? i mean, come on, if there was a mindset that smokers are bad and evil people, then i'd probably hate my dad to bits. because, you see, even if they have the same views on certain things, it doesn't mean that they're the same. so why do you have to categorise them like that? why do you have to categorise humans, people? why do you have to put them under labels and boxes which you've already decided what to do with? why do you never give them a chance to prove their worth? why is it that you can be a human, and yet not understand this? it just doesn't make sense. and it isn't just my parents. it's so many other people in the world who do this too. so many other people who don't understand, who can't understand, what it's like to be a human. even though they themselves are humans. this, this problem and issue, might just be [and you never know] the reason why humans can't get along, why we have war, why there's never peace. which makes me wonder, how come i get it? and who else in the world knows, understands? i want to meet people who think like that, think like me. it's kind of lonely in the world without people like that...





We do not believe in evil any more, only evil acts, which can be explained away by the science of the mind. There is no evil and to believe in it is to fall prey to superstition, like checking beneath the bed at night or being afraid of the dark. But there are those for whom we have no easy answers, who do evil because that is their nature, because they are evil.

You don’t believe something because it’s the truth, but something becomes the truth because you believe it. That day when people stop believing in something, it disappears from the world.

幸福只不过是一场骗局

heyo. basically slacked my butt off the entire day today D: crappp. got woken up by a call from charlotte. i was happily sleeping before that leh! ): haiz. was moaning when i heard my phone ring, because it was on the table which was very far away from my bed and i couldn't reach it and i wouldn't get off my bed to walk over. my mum passed it to me because she was in the room at that time ._. yeah. charlotte asked me if i had dna replication tut answers ._. which i realised i didn't have. sian. how to study for promos like that huh. then yeah lor, after that decided not to go back to sleep already, got up and turned on the computer. wanted to try downloading audition again for the nth time, but it still doesn't work TT.TT sad face. then somehow accidentally opened my half-completed novel and started reading and started getting inspiration to write again :D :D :D awesomeness. so yeah lor, didn't do any work today. at all. gosh. kk shall do work tomorrow ._. i seriously need to start. can't afford to lag too much liao :/ haiz. yup then watched camp rock 2: the final jam today too. wah sian haha really take up a lot of time! and dinner was from aston's. heh xD but there was no grilled fish left so my dad bought salmon [which was damn ex] and after eating 4/5 of it, i got really tired of eating it ._. gave the rest to my brother. yep.

realised that i don't seem to be very hungry or have much appetite these few days. like yesterday i didn't eat anything for the whole day except some box of stick biscuit thing that zixin bought. thanks zixin! :D only when i got home very late at night and after showering and everything [it was 11 plus] did i grab some food to eat, because my brother bought and saved them for me so it would be bad not to eat. chicken pie and chocolate croissant :D yay. damn full after that can. even though inside also nothing much de. then today's lunch i almost couldn't finish also, even though there was like only half left, because it was leftover from yesterday. and dinner also like that lor. yeah. sian.

i wonder what's wrong with me. maybe it's the stress. LOL. i was reading the booklet thing that was uploaded on smb about managing stress. haha it said that diet change is one of the symptoms of stress. oh yah and if a symptom of stress is feeling tired, then LOLOLOL i must be a damn stressed person. ohyah and i read the booklet and realised that i have A LOT OF SYMPTOMS OF STRESS. lololol. but i don't think i'm stressed la huh. yeah.



did i mention? i HATE it when people expect me to use the computer and go online and check stuff every day or something. i mean, what the heck. i can not use the computer for a whole week just cos i feel like it. who are you to tell me whether to use it or not? seriously, what the fuck man. and it's not just one group of people. it's almost everyone out there who wants their work done and everything. like 3 different groups of people at least. ugh.



back to school tomorrow for lessons! siannn. hope i don't fall asleep. but since i'm awake at 2am now, i doubt it. might go trim my hair tomorrow. ohyah i'm quite sure i need to buy stuffs too. can't remember what already though ._. i think pencil lead or something. and what is happening to cwp! ): saddened.

dad wanted to let us go studio for photoshoot this month, but promos are coming up and all the annoying muggers in the world want to study, so we're having it after promos instead ): boohoo. my dad said i can use the time to practise more though, get more familiar with the dslr. so yeah, i guess i will. but seriously BOO ): i wanted my photoshoot! ): actually regina was okay with before promos de lor! but then yeah, not everyone can make it so ): ugh. stupid people. okay fine not stupid kay. i'm just very annoyed with people ): i mean, okay, look, i guess i just have different priorities from other people. if i had to put photoshoot at studio and studying on a scale of 10, 1 being the least important and 10 being the most important, photoshoot would be 8 and studying 5. guess other people just don't feel the same way that i do. which is why i really hate the world sometimes, when it seems like no one understands. i hate it when people prioritize studying. i would hate people who prioritize studying too, but i can't because too many are my friends. so even though i really want to hate them, i just can't. ): now i just feel miserable. haiz.

anyway, thursday going school to study. and tuesday evening going for fuchun gang meet xD heh. mx cryst sherilyn ken ttw, i think. the rest not sure. whoo! :D awesomeness :D :D :D k luh we're going to the playground behind mx's house to wreck havoc luh. can't wait! :D fuchun gang ish awesome de :D and then saturday afternoon will be pvsp. playing basketball mixed, with jarin suat bryan (: yay. and then maf in the evening, of course (: yup. think that's all for the week. besides these it will be intensive studying! (:

oh yes and i really really REALLY want a bro. in every sense of the word.


alright off to sleep now. think my mum's going to wake up real soon. night! (:





sometimes i just wish... wish for so many things that ain't gonna happen, but i wish anyway. cos if i keep hoping, hoping so hard on each wishing star, then maybe, just maybe...

whoo. okay. i'm blogging in the middle of the night. awesome or what. supposed to go sleep already but i'll go sleep after i'm done with this la huh. (: yepyep. so.

wednesday. uhm. holiday but i slacked though ._. like my mum woke me up at 8am but then i did some stuffs and then went back to sleep at 9.30am and slept until 12pm. hee xD so yeah. then after that i only did filing, which wasn't very helpful for my studies. -sigh- oh well. think i attempted to do some work in the afternoon, but i can't exactly remember what already ._.

thursday was an okay day (: extra lessons and crap and whatnot luh, but then after that i stayed at bench to talk to friends and stuff, which was fun (: haha engway and sherwin are damn retarded. and lolol somehow i said fuck like a lot of times but then everytime i said it, sherwin would be like 'did she just say fuck?' and then 'that's fucking vulgar.' hahaha funny ttm.

friday was a long long day. lessons ended at 5.30pm! D: was damn sian. but okay luh, i think i didn't really fall asleep in lessons ._. well actually i can't remember. yeah. but anyway, after that i finally went to train in a damn long time. like 2 weeks never train liao. also saw xinyun gato seantan weicher and hiphop guys. after training i went for dinner with teri and kevin. haha damn funny :D we went serene centre macs and talked a lot a lot. then there was no ice cream! wtf. seriously. then went to island creamery cos teri wanted ice cream and sat there and talked. then hahaha there was this incident where there were some students standing around, like 4 guys and 2 girls. then i was like saying something about them, then teri said, 'i think that girl's a girlfriend. the other girl's a bro. like, a bro.' then i looked over and thought about it and agreed, so after that we were trying to explain it to kevin. like 'she meant that that girl is a girlfriend, and the other girl isn't there as a girlfriend, but like their bro, like their brother.' and then quite a while of trying to explain it to kevin to seemingly no avail, he suddenly went 'OH. RIGHT.' then pointed a really long arm in their direction, supposedly at the guy. 'why don't you just make it simpler?' and then he started pointing at each of them in turn and went 'boy, boy, boy, boy, lesbian, slut.' and me and teri were just LOL ttm. haha it was damn funny! but it made me quite freaked out cos a while later they were all looking/staring at us or something i think. but they didn't do anything luh. then teri was like, 'if they came over and wanted to fight it out, i wouldn't be able to do anything.' and i was thinking same here. and haha you know kevin obviously couldn't do anything. it was so funny but so damn freaky kay! haha. yep. ended up going home really late, reached home around 11pm. but it was an awesome day (:

today/saturday was called up by my mum at 8am, but then i went back to sleep at and slept until 1pm =.= when i told zixin i would reach school by noon =.= lol i was supposed to wake up at 10am or something. ugh. yeah then ended up going to school damn late lor. studied and did work (: then zichao came. lol very funny de. then evening went to watch inspire '10. the violin performance was THE BEST! :D :D :D lol kiatlong came to watch for fun. after the concert i went back to do a bit more work before going home. walao missed my bus ._. zixin's fault manz. haha. aiya. yeah okay. nothing much liao. shall study hard tomorrow! (: kk off to sleep i'm damn tired. wanted to post philoish stuff but too tired to type it out/think it out today, so next time luh. heh. paiseh. goodnight! (:

-takes a deep breath-
phew.

okay. there's really been a lot of things going on so yeah. saturday was spent attempting to study but failing because of the presence of my friends and a couple of moodswings ._. but i learnt about a singer called 张芸京 and she is shuai ttm! haha. and her songs are good! (y) sunday was full-fledged mugger day (: did quite a lot of work and was quite proud of myself (: monday me and regina went over to charlotte's house to bake cookies and stayed until about 8pm? ._. yeah. whoo yummy chocolate cookies for the win :D i ate so many i have a sore throat now. heh ^^"

and then tuesday/yesterday was teacher's day celebrations [thumbs up to all performers (y)] and then going shopping with didi. it was crazy! i spent 75 on stuff and 15 on food, making up a grand total of 90 bucks spent ._. eek. anyway, first went to plaza sing to eat lunch at pastamania (: yumyum. and then went to citylink's hmv and bought 2 music albums :D finally got hybrid theory by LP! :D the other album was 相反的我 by 张芸京 :D also bought a book - sherlock holmes volume I. i wanted to buy volume II but i didn't really have enough money at that time ._. after that we went to orchard and walked around. ended up in taka but then wanted to go far east so we walked back. when we got to the mrt station, we decided to just go to 313 at somerset [lazy to walk to far east]. had to draw out money from bank then cos i was kind of broke ._. then went shopping for new wallet for didi. found that in billabong. zomg 40bucks wallet sia. haha he richer than me can! then went to uniqlo and zomg cool shades! :D wanted to get but didn't want to be rash so we went other places first. went to the hmv there and didi decided to buy sherlock holmes too! lol. so he bought volume II and another random book, because there was an offer of 2 for 20bucks. then we decided that i'll let him read volume I first then after that i buy volume II from him, because i'm planning to give my brother as birthday present next year xD haha see i'm damn nice can. after that went back to uniqlo and ended up buying the shades (: WHEE. i have a pair of sunglasses now :D cool stuff. which also meant that i had pretty much used up quite a lot of money ._. and zomg yesh 313 is awesome ttm :D i love the place manz. so going to go shopping there again sometime! (:

after that went home and started filing stuffs ._. heh. fell asleep though. finished filing today (: my table is just 1/5 less messy now. add in the new stuff that i bought yesterday [got a poster of zhangyunjing! :D] and i think it's equivalent to not clearing anything ._. oh wells. and zomg my bio file is like full already can! somemore i didn't put in pracs leh. zzz next year need to get new file sia ._. chem file still okay. and i want a file for math but all the notes are in booklet form so cannot file! D: haiz. ohyah today got called up by my mum at 7 plus/8am but went back to sleep at 9.30am and slept until 12pm xD heh. i was damn tired luh. yeah. haven't done any work today yet though :/ shall do later. zzz and then have 3 tests tomorrow =.= sian ttm. and have pw TT.TT i don't like pw ): haiz. yup. okay. guess i'll be off to do work now.

whee new songs for my ipod :D and awesome shades to wear :D and new book to read :D zzz okay i won't go shopping again until after promos, or i'll seriously go broke. ohyah and jarin helped me to buy the black hairband with silver stars that day, so now i have a new hairband too. in addition to my white version that i got that day ._. siao. seriously going to stop buying stuffs until after promos luh. yeah. seeya (: wah damn hungry sia never eat lunch today ._. shall go find food and then do work. yupp (:



wanjane: yesh i will study hard and try to get H3 kay! yupyup lunch soon! probably during sept hols luh (: