yay to inspiration!!! :D everything came flowing at me like a river today! :D spent the whole day planning out loads of stuff :D and it made me HAPPY (: i suppose i really can't be bothered about chinese a's. i don't feel one bit worried about it now. i think jc has a way of making you less worried and stressed about deadlines, and more relaxed about everything, since you know everything's going to crash anyway. thus explains my stress-free day. also re-edited my op script so i know at least i've done something. haven't finished i&r yet, though. shall complete it tomorrow after chinese a's, i suppose. and yes, of course, NANOWRIMO IS COMING :D i can't wait! i really can't. something to take me away from this world, something to look forward to every day, to take comfort in, a place where i can get a sense of security, sheltered from harsh reality. it seems to me that nanowrimo is one of the only links left to my past.

okay. almost 12am already. need to sleep. chinese a's tomorrow. jiayou to myself, and YAYE freedom after that (: goodnight!

nanowrimo kick-off party was interesting (: started off with talk-like stuffs, which was all fine. and ooh i got a prize for the pimp my sentence competition :D was second :D yaye. oh but the first prize winner wasn't there so i got the prizes for first. pirates of the carribean cd holder and a moleskine notebook. waow the moleskine notebook's quite interesting, i don't think i've ever seen a notebook with an.. introduction manual before. yeah. yaye notebook :D and the goodie bag is quite cool too. heh. milo sachet and empty cd and a pencil and other random stuffs. ohyeah the 'november spammed a novel writing handout' is damn good. i think it's really damn good. i'm sure i'll be using it this november to get through my novel (: i like the layout and everything, and the back part with random character makers is sooo usable! (: no more getting stuck! :D i want to complete nanowrimo this year! i really do. let's do this! :D during the kick-off party, at first i was just really quiet, because i didn't know anyone so i just stood around, not really doing anything. after a period of time some random guy said hi to me and introduced himself, so we just started talking. lol he's in ns year 2 and he has a motorbike waow. but he looks younger. lol. yup then talked quite a while before he got bored and said he'd leave. after that i was just sitting there and sort of stoning and wondering what to do next, when two guys were sort of hovering around and one of them just gestured to the other to take a seat and they both grabbed seats facing me in a sort of circle. so we just started talking. wow. haha. one of them's also from ns year 2 and going to smu next year. he's only 19 [going to be 20 this year] but he looks like 25 or something. oh and he's a clerk. apparently he says it's good and was telling the other guy, who's year 2 in temasek poly, to make use of medical conditions to become a clerk. i was totally lol like hey that's bad influence man. ohyah and the other guy, i think he should be about 18 since he's year 2 in poly, but he looks like 20 or something. whoa why does everyone look so old. haha. but yeah, they were very nice and friendly (: on the other hand, they thought i was in secondary school because i didn't look like i was in jc ): bleh. but haha it's okay la, they're niceee people! (: when i said i was from hwachong, one of them just went like whoa and made it seem very high class. hahaha. but anyway, yepp it was good talking to them (: shall add them as writing buddies if possible (: and seriously everyone there talks like whoa-ish. good english ftw! (: hanging out with people like that is definitely a huge change from my usual friends. looking forward to knowing more people during write-ins. when i first came, i thought i would just be quiet and sit around and watch, but when people come up to talk to you, it kind of feels good. good that you have someone to talk to, and that you're not alone or bored any more, i suppose. hmm. and the municipal liaisons were also nice and friendly and rather funny, so were the volunteers aka 'minions'. haha they were mostly dressed interestingly :D and they were so enthusiastic during the party it was good knowing that people were enjoying it (: yaye i don't regret going at all. and thanks to my mum who let me go in the end. and yup, there was cake and junk food and drinks (: teehee.

nanowrimo is starting in less than 24 hours! and i also have chinese a's on monday =.= but it's okay! (: i can always nano after that :D i can't wait. planning out my plot now. only one more day! (: and once pw and op is over and done with, i'll have much more time to nano :D and mug. yup. okay, that's about all for today. nanowrimo is love and i hope i meet more friendly people during write-ins which i will try my hardest to attend (: yaye. goodnight! (:

天黑了。
我静静地坐在这里, 想着。。。
想着我们曾经拥有的, 曾经度过的
那些已不存在的回忆。

为什么
生命中总是让你伤心，难过，
总让你失去最珍贵的人和情感



it's hard to believe that this is happening, but it is.

anyway, nanowrimo kick-off party is today :D and i haven't asked my mum for permission to go yet =.= but i will. soon. i think i'm trying to hold on to it tightly this time. i can feel it. i need to find myself again. maybe nanowrimo is the way to go. i don't know. but it is and was part of my past, so maybe if i delve into the past, i'll be able to find the old me. i wonder what i used to be like. more unfeeling, more peaceful, less unhappy, i suppose. i thought that finally letting my emotions show after all the masks was going to be a good thing. i thought it'd be a good change, a good way to start, a good way for me to expose myself to the world again. i suppose it was, in a way, good. but i realised that i can't handle it. i can't handle the world with all it's complicated emotions and feelings that it throws at me. so i'll close myself back up, turn my view away from the window, pull that curtain down. i don't want to see this world, it'll just make my tears keep flowing. every time i take a step away, i'll be further away from everyone, but it's okay because i'll feel better. away from all this chaos, away from all the things i want to avoid. running away, escaping. i'm a coward, i won't deny it.



this week has been. okay? not much work except pw. tuesday i was going home from cca when walked past sherilyn's block and she called me. ken and pearly and her were sitting at the void deck talking and stuff. they offered me a very melted ice cream of which i just ate all the chocolate biscuit thingy which hadn't melted. then sat down and talked to them too. i thought that was fun. we should do that more often. it's a good way to relieve stress and stuff, going downstairs to talk at night. heh (:

thursday went to eat dinner with wanjane at starbucks. haha. okay luh i bought sushi and ate there, plus after that i bought belgian waffles from starbucks. nice :D heh shall go there more often. my first time going there leh. lol. ohyah and i think i eat too much chocolate and junk food, going to get sore throat already ): must drink more water and take medicine. oral presentation coming liao :/

friday was a damn busy day. like got a lot of stuffs suddenly ._. uhm. yeah. supposed to have op rehearsal but then don't have ): and then printed out h3 appeal forms and handed in for fun. and chionged bio prac by copying lol almost whole class copy de. then in the afternoon around 11.30 - 2 most of our class and another class went to ite college west in this bus to support regina and weilun's project. i don't really know the other members of the team luh. yup then it was quite fun there, had a lot of exhibitions, some were quite interesting (: and i got a bit disturbed when i saw a bboy and bgirl there. okay luh not disturbed, more like awkward. like want to say hi but i don't even know them that kind of thing lor. they were breaking a bit at the exhibition area [guessed they were bored.] which was really huge and not crowded so got a lot of space. lol yeah then after that we went to 7-11 to take a break and lol ttm suat teng became super gay. seriously. okay luh i also a bit siao i think but it was damn funny and damn gay [correct word should be lesbian] but then like she spontaneously grab my arm and stuffs leh. like the kind of thing regina always do to me but coming from suat that's like o.O and we just gay-ed for the rest of the day. lol. after school we shot hoops for like 15 minutes before we got chased out of the court because it was starting to rain. yeah. then cca there was no instuctor so we just self train lor. ohyah there was this senior who came who apparently injured his leg but i think he's quite good. like the advice he gives is good and yeah. transition to babyfreeze omg i want to learn that soon ): i want to do it smoothly ): bleh. anyway we cyphered during training and i realised that i'm might not be scared of cyphers after all, but i suppose that when i get pressured to go in then i get more nervous la. but if it's on my own accord then i'm actually RATHER okay with it, not fully okay but yeah. and i'm definitely less scared when it's just batchmates and no seniors. i conclude that i'm quite scared of seniors ._. but also depends on which seniors la. after that went dinner with very few people. ohyah the senior came too and he was telling us a lot about breaking. by the time we went home i was gg-fied because my mum was damn pissed with me. sigh.

i can't wait until pw is over, i can't wait until it's the school holidays, i can't wait for nanowrimo, and i can't wait to have some freedom. during holidays i will mug hard and nanowrimo hard and break hard and play music hard and exercise hard and read hard. come on let's do this. holidays hurry come, i'm waiting for you love. and i suppose i also need a break from hwach people. my class, i guess. realised that i've been more quiet around my class recently. whenever someone talks to me, i feel reluctant to make conversation. as if i don't care, as if it doesn't matter, as if they're not my friend. ugh. seems like i'm reverting back to my attitude in st nicks. is that good or bad? i really don't know. is it better to be friendly or to close myself up? it's hard to tell. the difference is that it was much easier to remain quiet in st nicks because no one came to disturb me. here it's harder because even though i want to remain quiet, people will come and talk to me. i really REALLY don't know if that's good or bad. okay thinking about this is not fun. ugh ): so disgusted by myself sometimes. it's hard to always do the right thing, it's hard to always do good, and it's hard to pretend that that's who i am, even though i really want to be like that.

nanowrimo party PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE mum let me go for it. i'll sacrifice tomorrow's class outing. i realise that it doesn't hurt that much actually. rejecting something. i'm a person who finds it hard to say no to outings, but i will have to learn. to make better decisions, to choose wisely. nanowrimo kick-off party zomg i really really really want to go pleaseee. shall ask later (:



@kiatlong i won't have to if i can quit school. but i can't. so yeah, that's true :/ guess you just have to learn to live with it...

was reading the magician, second book in the secrets of the immortal nicholas flamel series, and i think i got some inspiration as for what to write for nanowrimo. just a tiny bit. like 1/40 of the whole thing. haha. still thinking of a plot for nanowrimo. it's starting soon (: i can't wait. it's been too long, i need to latch on to something familiar for a while. just a tiny while. maybe i'll feel better after that. i hope so.






i miss you. so much and so badly that my heart's aching. to see you again, to hear your voice. it's all that i think of nowadays. you don't know. you don't know the pain you left me with. it hurts to remember, to dig up all those memories. but we were once happy and if i can remember that, then maybe, if i wish upon a star, maybe it'll happen again. perhaps one day we'll be happy together again. i miss you. do you even think of me any more? do you even remember, or bother to remember? or did it mean nothing to you? to me, it meant everything. it meant a brighter world full of possibilities, it meant the opportunity to break out of this cage. it meant being able to smile again, in a long long time. but then you left, left me with nothing but tears, with nothing to hold on to any more. and now my heart hurts when i see you but i just smile. we just smile and pretend that nothing's happened. but why?

what the fuck am i doing in this school. i don't belong here. i don't belong in this school nor this class nor with this group of friends. to be honest, as i said before, i don't think i belong anywhere, really. i guess the most important thing is still that i don't belong in this school. i shouldn't be here. coming here seems to be a direct assault against all the values and ideals that i've set for myself. i have my life, and i have my style. the way i lead life. being in this school has made all these so deformed that i'm losing my own identity. and i'm dead serious about it. if i could, i would quit school RIGHT NOW. i guess i really would. i'm a person who usually acts on impulse, but that's because my impulses are usually correct, and when i say that i would quit school, i'm really serious about it.

honestly speaking, school is being a sucky place to be in. i no longer look forward to talking to my friends in school. i no longer look forward to coming to school and being happy, because i know that coming to school would not make me happy. did you know? ever since i came here, it has only made me shed more tears [in less than a year] that i've ever shed in the past four years in st nicks. it's too tiring. keeping up this... facade? i don't even know if it's a facade or my real self. i just know that i'm tired. exhausted from everything that has happened, so exhausted that i can no longer keep up with the constant wave of emotions wrecking my heart. it's too much for me. not like i didn't know that i'm more emotion-based, but more like... there's just too many emotions for me to feel, i really don't think i can take it any longer. even loving is getting tiring.

不可否认的真相就是
我累了

我已经失去了坚持下去的力量
不能再这样过日子

我承认
现在的我
只想逃避

对
我就是这么的胆小
这么的自私
这么的差劲

i don't belong because no one can understand my thoughts. i always tell everyone so many things, and yes, they always listen, but do they really understand? how can you understand things that cannot be understood, only felt? how can they understand all the unspoken pains and fears deep down inside of me. there's so many things that i don't say out loud, so many things that i'm still hiding from them. too many. maybe because i don't trust them, or maybe because it's too personal to say out loud. either way... what difference does it make?

i want to quit school and do other things. this isn't my kind of life. 2 years is a lot of time. and jc is wasting all this time away for rubbish. so what if i get a degree? so what if i have high IQ? does it matter, really? i just want to lead my life and do the things that i want. oh, right, sorry, i forgot that adults think that teenagers aren't mature enough to make their own decisions. well, fuck you. we are. some of us, at least. do you really think we do things that rashly? when i say i want to quit school, do you really think that i haven't thought of the consequences? of course i have. but there's so many things that i can do other than wasting my time at school, it's perpetually a losing choice to attend jc. it's like being stuck in a cage. the worst thing, of course, is that everyone treats academics like it's the most respectable and reputable thing in the world. well, fuck you, it's not. i used to have so many dreams of doing so many things. but what now? no, reality didn't crush them - school did. i want to quit because i know i don't belong here. i don't fit in. everything here, no matter how right it seems, is wrong. it's like everything's trying to hit that note, but it's just a tiny bit flat or sharp and it's just not there, not right.

in some ways, i suppose i regret coming here. but yet again, it wasn't much of a matter of choice. more like a matter of chance. i suppose it wasn't for me to decide, so there's really no point regretting, or rather, regretting's not even an option. even if i want out, i doubt i'm going to get it. as much as i want to, my parents won't let me quit.



go on, threaten me all you want. threaten to stop my education, to stop paying for my school fees. do i look like i fucking care? do it! i don't want to go to school anyway. i'd be happy if you really stopped my education. you're an idiot, aren't you?



tired. will blog again another time. goodnighttt.

PHEW.

this is long. haven't posted in a long long time since my birthday, with the exception of super short post last night.

hmm. well, okay. from tuesday night i started a sleep-on-the-table/chair habit and it continued for 3 days. wtf. and then because i came home so late after cca on tuesday, my dinner had spoilt by that time [10 plus] and i got a stomachache on wednesday morning. luckily, it didn't last for too long and i went to school on wednesday. had learning journey to officer cadet school [ocs] in the afternoon and thought it would be a bore, but it was rather fun (: ohyah thanks to charlotte haha she gave me a massage because my shoulder/neck/back was aching from sleeping on the chair throughout the night and her massage was superrr pain and killer but i felt better after that (: after coming back to school from ocs, i played basketball for a while then went to eat dinner with ken sherilyn and yiinghuey at j8 pizza hut. i thought we were eating dinner to celebrate all our birthdays together, but it turned out later that they were celebrating only my birthday o.O waow. thanks guys (: love y'all loads! :D heh. pizza hut's cheese pizza isn't very nice but the other pizza we ordered [ocean catch] saved it i think. and then after eating and feeling quite full, they took out a strawberry mini cake for me :D whee. lol can't believe it could fit into ken's bag, seriously. but yeah (: and then they gave me a cap from 77th street as a present but didn't allow me to open it until 12am D: lol i was itching to open it. yepp. went home after that feeling happy and glad that it was going to be my birthday. which was quite a change from the past few days because i wasn't excited or anything. and then later on ken also passed me a bookmark which was quite cute :D haha. whee. happy (: went home and my mum said i received a card and it was on the table. the envelope said 'happy birthday jane'  but it was kind of hard to tell whose handwriting it was, so i went to open it and found that my parents had given it to me. the card is damn cute, cute ttm, and my dad wrote on one side and my mum on the other. then they got my brother to sign too, of course, and slipped my present in between the card. haha (: thankyou! :D stayed up until after 12am for my birthday and opened the 77th street bag to find the cap that i wanted :D later on i attempted to do pw [on my birthday, without sleep and when i was tired ): fml.] but failed and collapsed on the chair soon after because i was too tired. 2 nights of not sleeping in bed ): woke up around 3 plus and attempted to do pw but half-slept all the way until 4 plus when i got serious and chionged it out. ugh ): birthday leh.

on thursday i came to school late and went to find edwin first because he told me to. lol zomg his card is damn gay got stars everywhere and presents are damn awesome (: myuk pouch [he says it's for my ipod. but it's much bigger than my nano hahaha.] and black apple disco speakers :D thanks edwin! :D and then went to class and found a basketball waiting for me there :D zomg thanks so much suat, rhen, hazel, sandy and estee who gave me the basketball and chocolates with damn gay cover/wrapping. hahaha (: yup. and then regina gave me a long letter in this cute folder. the letter damn gay sia! haha but yeah, thanks regina! :D was itching to play the basketball but had lessons after that so yeah. hahaha i brought it along for lessons. before math tutorial started jarin gave me this cute yellow eraser and a postcard in an envelope (: thanks! later on during bio tutorial, which was the last lesson for the day for non-chinese people, i was sleeping and the teacher asked me to wake up, then totally insulted me. i was damn pissed off at that time. seriously i can't believe that i cried on my birthday. i'm some damn screwed up shit luh. keep crying so often nowadays that i'm getting very pissed with myself too. over the smallest things! ugh. yeah. so i was feeling rather rebellious after bio and planning to pon chinese and go play basketball or something and heck the world, but then as i finished packing my bag and was about to leave class [and heck the world], weichuan asked us to stay back. [aka the world called me back .__. so i couldn't heck it.] and at first it was very awkward cos he was like saying something about me and about it being a special day. then uhh lol asked me to go stand in front of the class. then apparently this wasn't prepared, but he went 'today is a special day. because bryan and mark are getting married.' and i totally lol-ed like crap [so did the whole class.] because that was so damn funny. then he went something like 'but today is also a special day, because it's your birthday.' and then asked the whole class to wish me happy birthday and to sing me a birthday song. felt really touched (: thanks 10s77 my beloved class! (: after that they passed me a book in which bryan [at first i thought it was rhen, but apparently bryan drew it all. the first page totally looks like rhen's drawing!] had drawn stuffs on quite a few pages, and which the class had written notes to me on the last 2 pages (: thanks guys! (: chinese lesson after that was spent doing absolutely nothing, besides getting back results. and parveen wrote me this short card/letter thing (: thankyou (: ohyah did i mention that i got back chem results on wednesday? yeah. after chinese lesson was a short break that i used to play basketball (: just shoot hoops luh. then after that went for chinese mock paper sweaty and getting really cold in the air-con lecture theatre. only compo so (: i wrote crap, seriously. i was half sleeping during the middle of the paper. kept writing then falling asleep and waking up to cancel a lot of stuffs then writing and -repeat actions- later on somehow i woke up fully and managed to write continuously until the end of the paper (: heh. lol. after the paper i stoned around in school and talked to crystal and stuff. finally decided to go home [rather early for once] so that i could sleep. lol. went home and fell asleep on the chair again cos i was on the desktop. ugh. only slept for the last 2 hours in bed. resulting in me going to school very late.

friday was spent doing nothing much in school. but my shoulder was hurting worse than ever. hurt like crap and i almost wanted to skip cca because i couldn't even look down or up because it would hurt. oh btw thanks esther for the letter! (: and then totally slept through ct session lol. was damn tired yeah. after that just went for cca lor. xinyun gave me this balloon which said happy birthday and stuck on my name, plus a box?container? of chocolates (: heh. thanks! :D and boy didn't come so we drilled [wah drills are killer but quite fun :D] and then played seven2smoke which totally killed me. i think i was working on adrenaline so i got tired really easily and yeah lor ._. plus never break so long liao, obviously damn lousy. after that prac-ed and stoned around for quite long then finally went for dinner with batch (: i realise i haven't talked to some people in a damn long time. reached home around 11pm. phew. and then... FINALLY, SOME GOOD SLEEP (: 10 hours of sleep IN BED. you have no idea how good that feels. i love my bed a lot (:

and that marks my exciting adventure from tuesday/wednesday until now. ohyeah and crystal and yiinghuey gave me 2 CDs so far, of recordings for a certain peach radio station. haha ohman it's damn awesome luh. thanks guys :D i can't wait for the 3rd and last CD :D i let my dad hear and he said he was glad that i had friends like them and that i was hanging out with these kind of friends. lol :D ohyah and he say y'all have potential to be DJs leh! :D haha. so yeah, that's about it bah. spent today doing nothing much. shall do some pw later and i think i'm going to recognize! studios after that for bgirl course with joey bah. not confirmed yet but yeah. i realised i've never been there before D: shucks. yup and then tomorrow going out with crystal and yiinghuey to celebrate my birthday (: heh. can't wait (: okay off to do other stuff. bye (:

for my birthday, i just want to sleep well and long with a proper sleep throughout the night IN THE BED ):

OKAY i don't care if i can't finish this post, i just really really want my bed ): will blog again tomorrow!

spending the past few hours on nanowrimo just goes to show how i totally ought to be shot dead right now. i was supposed to do chem and math tutorial and ended up doing nothing. and i'm effing sleepy and tired. my eyes are dying on me they refuse to keep open and are hurting like crap. siannn. ohyah but i found out that muni's on nanowrimo too :D coolios. this year a bit screwed also because of pw but aiya heck la, just going to try (: i want to complete it! just once! and i can't next year [AGAIN. eff.] cos of a's. walao eh life damn screwed can ._. so must try to complete it this year! otherwise have to wait one more year leh, super sian can. nanowrimo is one of the FEW exciting things that i'm looking forward to.

the other one is of course photoshoot, but too bad it's going to be delayed ): really wanted it this week actually. but now that i think of it, this week is also a bit rushed, because need to prep stuffs and my dad wants to get the new camera before the photoshoot which is just crazy but yeah. lol new camera soon then. he ask me go shopping for it, either choose the nikkon one or canon one. he pick out already. one is hybrid the other one i not sure. yep then photoshoot's going well. i got the studio and lightings settled just left the booking. once i confirm a date with the rest then can book liao (: only thing is that i don't know whether to make it on a weekday or weekend. might ask my dad cos if he wants to come then i guess i'll make it on a weekend ._. yeah.

last one is obviously my birthday lor. i mean, nothing much else to look forward to these few weeks because it's like super effing sian. worse than promos mood can. at least promos you mug a lot then very motivated and stuff, pw is like crap, you do like siao still feel sian max. i think suat buying basketball for me dunno leh. if she really does i think i will love her a lot (: heh. then cryst and yiinghuey celebrating during weekend, and wednesday going dinner with ken and sherilyn i think. i don't want chinese mock paper on my birthday T_T

zzz okay damn sleepy liao. cmi liao luh. need to go sleep. tomorrow gg liao, never do all my homework =.= sian max. will have to float through classes tomorrow. ohyah did i mention that i put up posters of linkin park and zhang yun jing in my room? heh (: really need to sleep liao. tomorrow got cca. and pw like whole day or something. ohyah today's zongxian's birthday :D happy birthday! haha means my birthday coming already. okay seriously going to sleep liao. nanowrimo is damn fun. will blog another day. ciao (:

not upset by the fact that people don't understand me, but upset because i can't even find a single person who understands me. they don't understand how i think, don't understand the way i do things, don't understand why i'm like this. no one can understand. no one to relate to. no one in this big big world with plenty of people. why not? they don't realise it, but there's a reason why i'm a sadist, why i'm a masochist. there's a reason why i fear certain things, there's a reason why i think being scared of other things is stupid. there's a reason for all these tiny little things, but reasons that no one bothers to understand. there's a reason why i care about some things so much, why i don't give a damn to others, there's a reason for everything. it's the experiences which make you who you are, and these experiences shape a person and influence him so that he changes, for the worse and for the better.

And everytime I try to smile, I cry,
so I'll just hide my face
Get out of my way
Don't wanna talk about it

I don't wanna cry
Gotta live my life
I'm gonna make it alright

went swimming yesterday (: felt good but uhh yeah. whatever i said about swimming previously still applies lor. really felt quite depressed and demoralized and upset but i already spent a whole day crying over it the previous time, so i don't want to do that again. guess i'll just have to grit my teeth and press on, until i get to my goal.

there's something magical about being in the water. swimming was, is, and will always be my passion, and nothing's going to change that. not even setbacks thrown in my way. i'll get past this. i will. i'll cross these obstacles with determination because i want to get that feeling back. that spark of magic. i used to be able to do anything in the water. anything. even somersaults. but as i grow i seem to lose more confidence and fear more. for what? there's nothing to fear. nothing to fear except fear itself. growing up should make me stronger, braver, more confident, not weaker and more fearful. i'll change it. i don't want to continue being like this. if i can't get that magical feeling back, i know life's never going to be the same for me again. it means too much, that feeling of being unstoppable.



found this song lyrics but i can't seem to find the song ): wonder what it sounds like.
someday somehow by the beu sisters.

Another early morning,
Wake up and rub my eyes,
I'm ready to take on the day,
Believe me that sure comes as a surprise,

I wanna see the world,
I'm gonna step outside,
Reach my hands to the sky,
Today's the day I'm ready,

There's so much for me to take in today,
Nothing's gonna stop or slow me down,
Just take it day-by-day,
No matter what people say,
Gonna have it all,
Someday Somehow,

Oh Yeah, Yeah,
Oh Yeah,

Just let me go Explore,
The world is my play ground,
I feel like I can hop, skip, jump,
and run around,
Turn this town upside down

I wanna spread my wings (Spread my wings),
Wanna try everything,
Dance like nobody's watching me,
Now I'm ready,

There's so much for me to take in today (Gotta find a way),
Nothing's gonna stop or slow me down,
Just take it day-by-day,
No matter what people say,
Gonna have it all
Someday Somehow,

I just wanna play,
Nothing's gonna stop or slow me down,
Just take it day-by-day,
No matter what people say,
Gonna have it all
Someday Somehow,

Gonna have my way,
Like everyday is Saturday,
No one to rain on my parade,
Look at me I've got it all made (Got it made)
(Got it made)
Got It Made,

Oh There's so much for me to take in today,
Nothing's gonna stop or slow me down,
Just take it day-by-day,
No matter what people say,
Gonna have it all,
Someday Someday,

I just wanna play (I just wanna play)
Nothing's gonna stop or slow me down,
Just take it day by day,
No matter what people say,
Gonna have it all,
Someday (Somehow)

So much for me to take in Today, (Gonna find away)
Nothing's gonna stop or slow me down, (Gonna find away)
Take it day-by-day,
No matter what people say,
Gonna have it all,
Someday Somehow





now that promos are over, i've got a ton of things to do. too many things to do and too little time ): haiz. supposed to go shopping today ._. i need to buy shorts and tanktop ._. but too lazy i guess. and the weather is killer i don't feel like going out :/ how ah. this whole week no time to buy and i need it soon. crap. siannnn. then photoshoot also a bit screwed. shall call them up and see how bah. if can then i'm just going to book liao. and then seriously need to start playing violin again i think i'm having withdrawal symptoms or something ._. aiya 反正 i just feel damn screwed luh. ugh. i miss people ):

then today slacked all the way so far lor. later going to start doing work. hopefully can get some stuffs done soon. fuckkk.



regina: lol regina we talked about that before. you forgot. haha.
jac: ohman yeahhh :D i can't wait. it's the only happy thing this week. my whole week damn screwed thanks to post promos schedule ): meet up soon! i miss you!

i thought i had forgotten, thought it was over. tried to break off, tried to erase those memories. but every time i see you, they all come flooding back at me, and i can't seem to forget you no matter how hard i try.

it hurts.
hurts so badly i just want to forget but my mind won't let me.

i dream of you so often now, but every time i wake up to find that it's not real.
and perhaps i've started to find some comfort and solace in these dreams of you, dreams that i know will never come true.





anyway, my birthday is coming soon :D yaye. can't wait. i need to do something fun. starting to realise that i have absolutely no life at all ._. haiz. and ohyah today is jes's birthday :D heh. a few weeks ago i wanted my birthday to come quickly, because i wanted to make a birthday wish. now i don't know whether i still want to make the same birthday wish. it's so hard to decide. but i suppose i won't. after all, i guess it wouldn't make sense to make a wish about someone else :/ we'll see. and i finally mustered up enough courage to hide my date of birth on facebook. is it courage, really? i wonder.

other than that, this week has been fun. sunday's dinner was fun (: ohyah we all still owe estee money. and uhm chinese paper was fine, then pw-ed for the rest of monday. tuesday was kapap sabbaticals. it's some israeli fighting force thing for self-defense. very fun (: got bruises on my knees after that though. but yeah. fun. i want to learn. it was at black box at salt centre so i went back to college side after that and later on went home with crystal and ate dinner at macs at kap. wednesday was pop vocal workshop sabbaticals, also quite fun. sang and learnt technical stuffs but it's not boring. was quite nervous while singing though. and then my solo performance was screwed up but nevermind luh. and group performance was okay. it was fun watching the others perform too (: and then stayed back to watch lyrical hiphop performance before going causeway point to walk around and then woodlands library where i borrowed a ton of super thick and heavy books, then ate dinner at macs again with wanjane. lol. going crazy eating macs liao luh. thursday was rubbish stuff plus festival of sports, then went home to eat proper dinner, and then yesterday more fos and esther helped me figure out the instrumental for my song and then bgirled quite a bit and went to play basketball with valerie kaeyuan and mark. i broke kaeyuan's specs :/ because i threw the basketball at him after picking it up from the floor so i didn't notice that he wasn't on guard and it just hit his specs which flew off and broke ._. felt really bad after that. hope it can be repaired. after that continued playing basketball for a while before going back to class bench and stoning, then went to eat dinner with zichao and issac and his classmate whose name i don't know ._. yeah. then went homeee. zomg totally collapsed on the bus. slept while standing up but i slept through almost the whole journey. damn tired.

woke up today at 9.30am which just made me super shocked because i was super tired and slept around 12.30am and was expecting myself to wake up at 11.30am. could have woken up but i forced myself to go back to sleep and woke up again at 11.30am. heh (: thinking of going swimming later. hopefully. and then zzz guess i'll come home and do some work before playing bah. dunno. i need to start doing work i suppose. ohyah and start reading all my library books. haha. siao de. hope i can finish in time, otherwise have to renew bah. sigh. too many things to do luh. sianz. i want to buy a ton of things but no money. boo ): and go for a ton of courses but also no money ): bleh. okayokay will think about that later. off to do more useful stuffs now. yaye birthday next week (:

曾经拥有过的快乐，已经被我疏忽地遗 失了。剩下的，只有怨恨与逃避，带着嫉妒和遗憾，花着一辈子的 时间，寻找一个不存在的出口。



突然发现好久好久没有用华文来post了. 看吧, 华文这么久没有使用, 变得好糟糕哦. 明天的华文考试提醒了我, 为什么不能那么轻易地放下华文. 因为在表达情感的这方面, 有很多事情是不能使用英文表达的. 我记得以前的我, 那么讨厌华文, 但后来发现了它的美, 也了解人们为什么用华文. 这也是说服我为什么要继续学华文的原因吧. 但看着我自己现在的情况 - 我不单没有把它学好, 现在好像变得更差了耶. 不行, 这不行.


在人生追求的各个梦想中, 其中一个一定是表达. 我希望能够好好地表达自己, 让其他人能够了解我, 了解我的情感与感受. 现在的这个情况, 一点都不像样.


okay i would really like to continue in chinese but i need to go nao. going to bugis junction with s77 seniors and classmates for teppanyaki and to have fun (: WHEE. happy. tomorrow is chinese which i shall just heck. maybe bring some chinese notes to read on the mrt later. haha and NO, i'm not blogging in chinese because i want to improve my chinese for tomorrow. i'm not that retarded. these kind of things don't work. i'm thinking in the long run i really want to be able to speak and write good chinese because i really feel that it's meaningful to do so. okay OFF TO DINNER (: BYEEE (:



jac: hahahaha :D no luh i got study de :P heh. but yarhhh i miss audi! haha. you know right, my computer cannot install audi! walao eh. damn ass can. i'm going to try borrowing the program from ken or something then try install again. i want to play audi! ):

promos are overrr (: well, technically they're not but just chinese paper left so i don't see too much of an issue. either way, if i do well or badly, no one's going to give a heck except maybe my chinese teacher. so yeah.

celebrated after promos on friday by going to sentosa with teri and mark. it was fun TO THE FREAKING MAX. rented bikes [damn ex can.] and cycled around for an hour, even went to 'f1 race' around some gravelly carpark like place, and then returned the bikes and went down to the beach to watch the sunset (: and walk around of course. haha the sand was so soft i kept sinking in. the sunset was cloudy so we couldn't really see it, but the feeling and atmosphere was nice (: it was fun and calm and peaceful and beautiful and it felt really really good (: thanks so much you two, y'all totally made my day (: after that mark went back first while me and teri went to wash up a bit and then took monorail back to vivocity. shopped at cotton on there [because we were at plaza sing's cotton on before we went sentosa cos teri needed to buy a top and i saw this really cool top there, so yeah.] and i bought a top and a jacket-ish like thing. haha. the colour of the jacket is niceee (: yup. then after that went over to clarke quay there to meet 09s77 guy seniors at liang court. brandon bryan zichao weiqi and kaeyuan who came later. ate dinner at botejyu and i couldn't finish my dinner so brandon and weiqi finished the rest .__. haha okay fineee i eat damn slow and they just swallowed the thing whole like some mini slice of pizza. haha. ugh. yup then walked around the shops while the guys bought food and stuff and then went to hokkaido ice cream and brandon and weiqi bought ice creams. whoa the ice cream ish cool! haha (: i never go there before [and i don't think i've been to clarke quay before anyway.] and it's like double ice cream. haha damn cool and quite cute. then found some place to sit down while they finished their ice cream and talked and then took a photo [two photos. with kaeyuan's camera of course haha.] and went homeee (: bounced train and i fell asleep on the train because i was sooo tired from the whole day especially cycling at sentosa. THANK YOU SO MUCH ALL YOU GUYS FOR THE LOVELY DAY/NIGHT! (: that day made me really happy. if i could do this every week... (:

ohyeah and i realised i made a fatal mistake yesterday. by sharing food and ice cream :/ it's not like i forgot that i was sick, but more like i forgot that i wasn't supposed to share food and stuffs when i was sick. crap. ohmygosh. i've never felt so guilty and so worried before. please don't fall sick people ): i'm just going to kill myself if y'all fall sick or something ):

anyway, end of promos feel weird. good and bad. it's not that i didn't put enough effort into promos. in fact it's the first time i started studying for an exam that isn't very important almost 3 weeks before it started. except o's luh because we all know how important that is. [yeah right.] it's just... i don't know. it's hard to explain. i did study. i studied more than i've ever studied before, excluding o's. but there's just something that doesn't feel right. it's hard to put a finger to it. now promos are over i guess i'm just planning to make the most out of my time. i should. promos made me realise how little time i have, how much i need it to use it on important and meaningful things instead of crap. but it's so hard to go forward and chase your dreams. it's not any obvious barrier than you can see, but there is a barrier. a mental one. i'll work hard to do what i want to do, and hopefully one day i'll feel accomplished and satisfied with myself.

other than that, i'd just like to say, to those people in my life who might not seem like they mean anything, i've just realised how important y'all are, and how glad i am to have met y'all. because i think, without you guys, my life wouldn't be as good as it is now. thank you. for being in my life. and i'll make the effort to be in your lives because i want to.



jac: (: (: (: thanks twin! haha yeah i miss the times when we used to heck studies together (: and play audi like crap hahaha :D

rawr. haven't posted in long. i think. almost a week. in the middle of promos now. okay luh nothing much lor. monday was gp and lit paper 1. tuesday break :D which i spent doing crap =.= and then today bio paper. tomorrow chem, friday math and lit paper 5 :D yaye. then left chinese only so can heck. can go out on friday to celebrate liaos :D feels good having only 5 subjects :D and having promos in one week because it's over so quickly the pain doesn't seem to sink in. not like i felt much pain because i haven't been feeling anything for promos. wonder why. i suppose i've gotten used to it already (: that's good. i like being numb to things like this. exams and all these stuff which don't matter.

end of exams feels weird though. like there's no one to celebrate it with. i want to go shopping for clothes and books and everything. but who will go with me? i wonder. no one seems to have free time any more. even without promos, mind you. no one free to go out with, go play with. i guess sometimes i actually do miss my old friends. certain friends... the ones who i can spend time with OUTSIDE of school, go out and do stuff. because my class doesn't seem to have people like that. they're all too busy doing too much work in their own world that they don't seem to realise the need to see the world. i need to go out. go orchard and sit at the side of the road and peoplewatch or something like that. go into borders and stay inside for 3 hours straight or something like that. do something meaningful, something purposeful. fuck school, seriously. and damn all those people who only have life in school.  they don't know, don't see the beauty of the world. but where do i find people who do? i guess who i miss are people who i can go out with. people like jos jac and jes. people like... well, no one actually. maybe i don't have as many friends as i think after all.

on the brighter side, can't wait until after promos :D going to do retarded stuffs and good stuffs and all kinds of stuffs. i miss people like suf and chewlin and oh i don't know. fuchun friends like duncan and kaycheong and munjun and stuffs. ): you know how i said hwachong was awesome because of the people? now i'm starting to think that it's not. i miss people who care, in a different way from hwach friends, like suf and chewlin. and i miss people who don't give a damn about studies. yeah, people like jos and jac. i miss people like that. i also miss people who take a step and create their own future. definitely like jos. why can't i meet people like this more often? people who change the world. so much more than a bunch of useless students who study but only care about their academics and take no initiative to change this world. i need good influence and i'm not getting it from my peers right now. we're all just caught up in a worse-than-rat race to do well in this school without any meaning to our lives. i'm not willing to continue this kind of life, which is why i am going to change it as best as possible after this crappy period and then try to keep it that way. i'm starting to think that maybe it's true what my dad said. all these people with degrees and masters, they're just idiots. you don't need a certificate to change this world.


wrote [typed] this just now [on facebook notes] so i just wanted to share.

hidden from view:



i used to love you more than anyone else in the world

you were my best friend
the only one who understood me
because we were different from everyone else
and we kept it that way
a barrier between us and the rest of the world
just to prove how special we thought we were

we played together, had so much fun
there was no one in the world who could tell us what to do
i thought we were so alike
no one else could be as similar as us nor come between us
and they would smile when they saw us
people who met us envied our closeness

you were quiet and shy but playful
and intelligent beyond words
taught me about so many things in life
but i did well too, so i thought we were even
in the same world with the same frequency
you even used to hear me cry

they told me not to follow you
to judge for myself the consequences of my actions
learn from the good and not the bad
but it was okay you were a good role model
taught me to be smart and stay on my feet
showed me the hidden side of the world

so i would smile when i talked about you
proud of you and who you were

you were always there, guiding and leading me
and i was always right beside you, holding on to your hand


but as time went by we started to grow apart
i realised the distance between us
more obvious and harder to ignore
so i reached out for your hand
but you didn't give me yours
and all that was left was air to grasp

it didn't seem so bad at first
after all it wasn't like i didn't know
relationships were never meant to last
i had learnt that long ago
it was fine like that, a comfortable space
i had my friends and you had yours

then i start to see the differences i never noticed before
the superior manner, silence of pent up frustration
sky high intelligence too much for me to approach
how could i ever think we were alike when we weren't
not in so many different ways, from so many different angles
i just never bothered to look, never needed to


then one day my world turned upside down
i woke up to find it black and white
you had done it though i didn't believe it
changed my impression of you
my fear was unspeakable
the hurt and damage done irreparable

i was crying though i hid the tears
but you couldn't see them, maybe didn't even care
how was i to know what you were thinking
could no longer understand you or the way you thought
so i kept the pain because there was no point
you pretended nothing happened, so did i

you'll never know what i went through
never understand the torture you put me through
never see the scars you inflicted on me
all hidden beneath this mask
so i stopped trusting and never let anyone near
from that day on i started being scared

i'll remember what happened, never forget nor forgive
for as long as the tears still flow when i think about it
you used to be so many things before
but now all you do is hurt me until i cry
and there's no letting go of this
i won't put it down, that's too hard for me

now when i talk about you there's a tinge of darkness
anguish and agony mixed with sorrow and anger

now i hate you more than anyone else in the world.


the quotes all tell me not to hate, it makes you remember more
love and hate are emotions equally strong, but it's okay i want to
hate you to the core until there's nothing left
because that's how deep my hate for you is

but sometimes i still wonder
if you hadn't changed (or was it me who changed?)
then maybe things would have been different
perhaps today i would love you instead

but these things can't be changed
there's no turning back of time
no more erasing what has gone by

i'm sitting here looking at you with hatred in my eyes.