got my new camera alreadyyy :3 canon ixus 1000 hs. yaye. happy. my new best friend :D charging the battery now, shall play with it later. sitex was quite fun (: hee. we walked around a bit, then went to find camera. i was considering getting sx30is instead because it's better, but the image on the screen is super not nice. the only thing sucky about 1000 is that the battery life is lousy. the annoying canon person scammed me! i said i read that the battery life only last around 150 photos, then he say no, it's 250 to 300, then i was like okay. then after i brought it home, i went to read the manual and they said 150! stupid stupid person. not like i didn't know luh, i was already expecting it, but like, you know, when he told me then i was hoping that perhaps the battery is not as sucky as i thought it was. but HE SCAM ME ): i don't like. ugh. okay luh everything was quite okay. haha i think the lens that wanjane wants is quite nice! :D i like the kind of photos you can shoot with it. i wonder if i can do that with my compact ._. will try later! :3 dslr i think can, but i don't think the photo turns out as nice leh :/ sigh.

yupp then uhm walked around some more, and then went to look for the i robots roomba and scooba for my dad. wah still as ex ._. the price like never change sia. oh wells. then after that we went to get ipod covers :D hee. wanjane bought one for her itouch, i bought two for my nano, one white, one blue. i think the white one's nicer :3 but i think the white one won't last long. and anyway if i have two, i can switch over sometimes :3 so it's okay luh. hehe then we got like 4 bucks off since we bought 3 covers. yaye. okay i owe wanjane 20 bucks. must rememberrr. and then after that attempted to find the pinnacle video transfer because my dad wants me to buy it, but i don't know where to find luh! so nevermind. then went out and stoned at the tables and chairs outside. wanted to buy food but rawr their pratas weren't ready! ): and then took train to tampines and all the way back to woodlands on the bus we slepttt like siao. hahaha. damn tired leh.

ohyah before that we went to eat lunch at tampines but also didn't eat much la. but omg macs again! ._. haha i feel damnnn unhealthy can! zzz.

anyway because i feel like i'm dying already, and at such a young age, i have decided that i need to stop eating unhealthy food. seriously. so i shall limit myself to a maximum of two unhealthy meals in a week. (: if i can't eat something not unhealthy, then i will not eat. yay. okay awesome. this way, i won't die of high blood pressure or something. omg i think i will die of heart attack leh! hehe because i keep getting mini heart attacks and as much as i would like to believe that they help to make your heart stronger, i don't think it works that way D: so one day maybe i'll really die of a heart attack. hmm. quite likely. so yah shall stop eating unhealthy food. macs is definitely considered unhealthy manz.

uhm nano a bit no hope already. shall just try to write as much as possible in this short time that i have before november ends.

math consult with ms ho today was okay (: clarified everything already, thinking of going for consult again on wednesday :/ but i haven't done my work so i don't know whether i should go! :/ maybe i can try chionging luh, but i wanted to chiong nano these few days so :/ i don't know leh. sian max. i suppose i could always ask when school reopens. i don't think there'll be a lot more consult slots already, at most one more lor. siannn :/ how ah.

dance camp is thursday to saturday omg super sian can ): not because i don't want to go, but because i really have a lot a lot of work to do and 3 days hiatus is veryvery long :/ all my work will be delayeddd ): which is super annoying. and omg i hope there's no sleepover because i want to go home to sleep ): if i don't go home to sleep i will surely crash when i get home on saturday because all my energy would have been used up at camp. ugh ): plus if have sleepover it'll be super 麻烦 ): how ah. sian max. ):

i can't wait for second and third weeks of december when i'll be at home again for two weeks straight (: i like staying at home and doing work and using the computer zzz got damn lot of work to do.

okay time to take out the battery and start figuring out how to use my new camera so that i can start taking photos and videos.



note to self: i still need to get the pinnacle video transfer for my dad soooon.

yup. facebook is getting quite annoying. sigh.

didn't go to canon showroom after all today. sian. ohwells. nevermind luh. i already know what i want. just wanted to go see it only lor :/ sighhh. nevermind sitex on friday :3 whee can buy already. just two more days! :D i can't wait to get my new camera :3 i will be shooting up down left right when i get my hands on it. hee :D

damn screwed up life right now. i need to sleep earlier and stop killing myself and my eyesight. seriously. ugh. veryvery pissed at myself. i need to start doing useful things too. freak.

at least today was an okay day. woke up damn late at 1.45pm which was fucking annoying. as much as i was rather pleased with myself for sleeping so much [actually not a lot, only about 10 hours since i slept at 3am.], i was also extremely pissed at myself. fuck la. need to start getting a life man. but i managed to have a rather productive afternoon doing math so that paid off. finished differentiation in the revision package and going through promos paper. i know i should have gone through that long long ago, but aiyah if you know me, you know that i usually don't give my test or exam papers a second look. so i don't actually learn from my mistakes. don't really bother to, in fact. probably explains why i'm getting these sort of results. but yeah, felt better after i finished those. at least i did some work. consult on friday yaye :D

wah fuck i need to stop thinking about what certain people will think if they read this. fuckkk i need to stop caring about what the world thinks about me. seriously.



anyway, i realised that i'm going to be almost fully booked for the next two weeks or so. uh oh. sian max.

thursday - gym, cca.
friday - consult, sitex. [new camera woohoo :D]
saturday - movie? class.
sunday - nothing FREE finally.

next week i'll be free on monday and tuesday. wednesday maybe badminton with classmates. thursday to saturday dance camp. sunday free. the week after that, monday and tuesday class chalet. wah sian max can.

sigh. how ah. i think i might not go for class chalet after all. sounds like a waste of time actually. not that i don't want to go, but i think i'd rather stay at home and do work. plus my mum definitely won't be happy with me going for chalet. and i'm already going for christmas chalet with fuchun friends at the end of december so :/ dunno. see how. i did say i'd go though. ugh.

shittt november is ending. nano is dying ): i will reach 16k by today and then somehow 20k by saturday i hope. oh my fucking god. november ends next tuesday. fuckkk. ): this is not possible ): freak luh. how ah. i really really really fucking want to complete this. just this time. for once. UGH.

okay shall go and continue writing now don't care already will try to max out this thing.

on a side note, i feel like reading harry potter the first book :/

whoosh. went to cwp just now (: before that i managed to forward the details for see2 to the stnicks infocomm president, cos mx says they need more people. at least i helped a bit :3 although i'd probably feel veryvery guilty if the president takes damn long to check her email or dao it or something. hope not =x but nerissa said the president was okay with it so should be fine luh (: heh. and haven't talked to nerissa in ages manz! omg. haha her memory is freaking pro. when i said see2, she was like 'the one which they mispronounced your name!' wah seriously epic memory ._. haha thanks ah, thanks ah. haha but it was cool talking to her a bit through sms. really haven't talked to her in damnnn long. feel kind of guilty about a lot of stuffs. i suppose i was childish enough to think that i could forget my past and start over a new leaf. after all, as much as you try to throw away your past, it'll eventually catch up with you one day. ugh.

anyway, went to cwp with my mum to book cruise. we're taking cruise to malacca and kl. stopping at kl for tour i suppose. kl a bit sian luh, but i haven't been to malaysia since i don't know when [even though my last experience was definitely not nice.] so whatever lor. i'd prefer just staying on the cruise and playing, but aiyah. a bit retarded, like that might as well take cruise to nowhere right. but cruise to nowhere is more ex ): rawr. so yeah lor. sian. anyway booked already. superstar virgo :D yaye. going after christmas. and wahaha we got the room with balcony :D heh heh heh. xD freak la i can't wait to get my compact camera then can start taking photos and videos EVERYWHERE xD i swear it'll be my best friend manzzz :D heh. i will bring it EVERYWHEREZ. :D except when there's no batt ): i will charge it dutifully and look after it like my little brother/sister :3 i am such an awesome camera owner :D LOL. k no luh, just want to get my camera soonz. maybe i should go to the showroom to take a look first. hmm.

after that went to popular to buy stationery and then went to buy wallet. rawr i should have taken my time to find a good wallet actually :/ my wallet is still usable actually. RAWR damn all my mum's fault la ): keep asking me hurry buy new wallet. not that i don't like my new wallet, but... it's freaking fat and bulky ): i swear after this wallet dies i'm going to get a much nicer one. maybe something like my old blue shayrer wallet which was very good! :3 it didn't die or anything :D need to start hunting for nice wallets manz. fat wallets are ): boo. but okay luh, the design is the same as my old wallet xD and there's a huge pouch for coins which will not tear and die like my previous wallet. yupp. the only thing is that it's bloody fat lor. yeah. ): boo. i hate fat wallets.

don't know why i'm sleeping so late nowadays. actually can go to sleep, but i just find other things to do and somehow do them ._. crap. i need to nano manz. how ah. might bring laptop into the room or something. i want to read my book too! new book is my halfway read fang, and class a which i haven't started on yet. rawr shit forgot to return the library books damn okay must remember to return by tuesday. off to sleep/nano/read.



ohyes before i forget, new tumblr blog :D
http://kiranov.tumblr.com/
quite proud of it :D go see :D

slept at 5.10am yesterday ._. lol. was reading the recruit before that. and you know what! i realised i read it before! ): RAWR. aiya but haha i don't remember anything except the middle part about basic training, and the last part about the four day course thing. so okay luh (: yeah i finished reading it at 5am and then finally went to sleep, thinking how freaking dead i was going to be this morning because i wouldn't be able to wake up. zzz. but anyway, woke up at 10.30am today quite okay luh. somehow managed to drag myself out of bed, because my fear of my mum scolding/nagging at me is worse than my wish to continue sleeping. felt like CRAP. damn freaking tired and i didn't have any strength to do anything. since i also had class yesterday and was actually SUPER tired after that. of course, readings books and watching videos always keep me going - they're like stored up energy bars and they give you energy, especially if they're exciting and interesting and you can't stop reading/watching :D but it was a bad idea to sleep so late luh. like excuse me 5am is waking up time lol. luckily my mum didn't wake up at all, otherwise i would have been slaughtered. and lucky it's the holidays (:

anyway i think i'll get canon ixus 1000 hs. as much as i know a semipro would be muchmuch better quality and everything, i want a light and handy camera that i can carry around. and after all, if my brother does go overseas, he can take it with him [even though 我会不舍得 the camera] and take photos and videos. yup. i suppose if i have more money next time then i might get a semipro bah. not now.

yesterday's class gave me two more bruises on my right knee, in addition to the one i already have from cca. yup, three bruises on my right knee. boo. this is why i need knee guards. don't use them for class though, only for cca. and because joey kicked my hand, D: [accidentally luh. haha. but damn freaking pain ):] the skin around my right wrist is sort of swollen and i don't dare to wear my watch on my right wrist. not that it was on my right wrist before that, but i like to switch my watch around on my left and right wrists, but now i can't. boo ):

math revision package is killer! ): i don't like. it's like !#@$%^& annoying ): made a TON of careless mistakes already. i spend more time hunting for careless mistakes then actually doing the questions. i don't like ): how ah.

will nano more today.

you know how when you're happy and in a good mood and smiling to yourself, and then someone comes along and happily says something to upset you? yeah, that feeling. and there you are stuck in the middle wondering whether you should return to your good mood, but never quite getting a good hold of it again. this ALWAYS FUCKING HAPPENS when i talk to a particular person. it's very annoying. i wish it'd stop happening.

anyway, i was dumping another bag of kino books into the drawer when my brother came into the room and wanted to know what i was doing. nothing much actually, but i thought i wouldn't let him see first, so i closed the drawer. but obviously there's no lock or anything, so he could open it. but LOL i didn't really care luh. like he want to see my whole collection of books then see lor. i just closed the drawer because i absolutely hate people watching what i'm doing when i don't want them to be watching. especially my brother. so yeah. then when i walked off first time to get scissors, he didn't bother doing anything. the second time i turned my back and almost walked out, he practically ran/leapt to the drawer and pulled it open. i was like ?! seriously, he looked like a total idiot. like come on, open then open luh! i also know i can't lock the drawer whut. then he open and started taking out the books from the kino bag, which i was slightly more sensitive about. if there's something i HATE/LOATHE, it's my brother touching my things. firstly, his hands are usually not clean. they're always oily and gross max. i mean, you can walk over to his computer, sit down, and once you touch the mouse you go wtf because it's freaking oily and dirty with black spots of dirt collected on it. FREAKING GROSS. i clean my computer and keyboard and mouse kay. i NEVER touch any of his things. always refrain from touching them. and i never let him touch my computer or sit on my bed or anything. and everyone knows that my collection of books are extremely precious to me, so him touching them is like. bad. like i-want-to-smack-him bad. yeah. i'm not ocd, he's just too freaking gross. so i was extremely annoyed when he pulled out the books with his hand. in the end he put it back in and was like, 'why are you buying the whole series?' like it was such a smart question. stupid question, duh. obviously collecting and to read right. what a retard. anyway it was amusing because he thought it was some secret thing, but obviously it isn't. and it was also annoying and i got quite pissed also luh.

but like, come on, i've been collecting books for years now. you guys just don't know anything about me. i collect alex rider series, maximum ride series, cherub series, harry potter series, death note series, blood+ series. my hobby. and i like reading them :3 books are my loveee. always help to make me feel better (: that's why i want and need a bookshelf ): no space to put books, have to resort to drawer. boo ):

okay i think will be going cwp later :3 might return library books. the thick ones that i don't seem to have a passion for reading :/ yeah. and go buy stationery and stuff. i need to buy tanktop for dance leh rawr.

back from class :3

cypher and fun random battles with joey and hanisa [is that her name? :/] today made me realise that i want to dance better. i want to dance well, and i want to dance better. i want to express myself in my dance and show it to others. i want to improve and do better.

you know how sometimes you take a break from everything, actually stop to think about why you're doing what you're doing? yeah. i felt a bit like that today. not exactly taking a break, but i realised why i'm doing what i'm doing.

dancing makes me happy.
 and i think that's all that matters. (:

it's times like these when you realise what you're working so hard for, what you're putting in all your effort for.
it's times like these when you know that these efforts will not go to waste.
it's times like these when you feel like you've found yourself, because you can see your goal so clearly and you're moving forward to reach out for it.

kudos to all the other bgirls cyphering today (: especially the ones who made an effort to really cypher. can see it in your dance. i think hanisa's really good, especially since she's only been breaking for 4 months and is only 14 years old. seriously (y) zai. and thanks to the other guy who was telling us about cyphering and battling and stuffs. i don't know him, but he was cool. cheers! (:

battling like siao today with joey and hanisa was damnnn fun too :D hehe. mostly with joey luh. we do that occassionally but today was crazy! haha damnnn tired after that, i was dyinggg. but it felt good. i was sweating like crap and i know i was going to get killed when i got home, but at that time, i know that at least i was happy. and i felt damn good.



got home and got scolded like crap lor. zzz. sian max. but it was worth it. (: except that i don't know if i can stay again next time if there's a cypher.

also started reading the recruit today :D cherub series ftw! always so interesting and awesome. thanks for making my day brighter, robert muchamore. also realised that attempts to read wizard's first rule by terry goodkind and the magician's apprentice by trudi canavan have failed epicly. i was like, okay, i need to read a book on the train ride there, and i went in to get one of these books, but when i saw them, i just knew that they weren't what i wanted. so i went to get the recruit instead.

i really don't know... but... since when has reading thick books been a chore to me? since when has it turned from exciting and engaging, into just a chore to complete? this isn't right, and i can feel it. something's wrong with me. what happened to my love for reading? are all these books in my to-read list merely a task to complete, and not a passion that i have? can't believe this is happening. not to me... maybe i really should start questioning why i'm taking literature in the first place. honestly. this is crap. i'm crap. in self denial, but i don't want to believe that this is true.

anyway i didn't go to cwp in the end today. left the house later than planned, so i didn't have time. need to go shop for stuffs soon. tomorrow or monday or something. soon.

might nano a bit or read my book after this. the recruit is fun to read :D might get a handheld compact after all. :/ hmm. still undecided. sitex is coming soon! will be busy next week manz. okay need to get off before i get scolded again. :/ buhbye goodnight! (:

wah kao. spent an hour on one math question, took a break, came back, and solved it in 1minute =.= freakkk. bad day sia.

anyway today supposed to go book the cruise thing with my mum but it was raining and my mum just delayed it lor. haha. actually wednesday also wanted to book but yeah. lol. raining also then delay. HAHA. keep delaying one day no more space already luh. haha. oh well.

and haha wanjane just showed me the canon photo contest thing whoo so fun :D hehe. 1mb is like wtf though, but guess we'll have to make do ._. NONE of my photos are 1mb! haha. sianz. lower quality lor. sigh. yupyup but sounds quite fun so :D whee.

going out soon just ate dinner finish sian i think i'll go cwp before that, need to buy stationery. LOL. my correction tape ran out just now because my math questions used a freaking lot of tape ): boo. yeah then um need to buy hairclip too rawr my fringe damn long liao then my mum bu shuang with me.

math is killing me ): rawr i don't like. this is what i get for regarding you as my favourite subject huh! tsk. ):

nano-ed a bit today. rawrrr but omg haha 24% liao i need to chiong more i think i can actually get quite close to 50k if i try hard enough! :D stop slacking jane! must chiong more i'm sure i can do it. i think i typed like uhm 2k plus yesterday? yup :D

okay luh really need to go already. i also need to read up on stocks my dad is scary D: boo. yup off to class buhbye! :D

我是个傻瓜。
但这没关系。
因为你，我才不介意。

见不到你，的确很痛苦。
想到你，才有勇气撑下去。
只要继续坚持下去，继续喜欢你，或许会有一天，你会发现我的存在。或许有一天，你也一样会喜欢我。而就算这是不可能发生的事，我还是可以希望，望着那个不可能存在的一天。



nanoed a bit today :D felt good i think i'll try to nano some more. don't think i can reach 50k, but i can always try. and come on, reaching 40k or something will already be an accomplishment for me :3

yesterday was tiring max. went to school in the morning and met tingwei on the bus :D heh. then went cardio and gym with mark whoosh damn fun :D then lunch at aston's lolol unhealthy food but yeah lor. and went to eat apple strudel and chocolate truffle cake hahaha zomg damnn nice :D after that walked back to school and LOL saw tingwei at the bus stop hahaha damnnn 巧 can. but damn cool :D yup. talked to him for a bit, then went to salt for cca. lol it was quite funny because cca at 2pm, but boy was only coming at 5, so like had to waste time. haha yeah. we did quite fun stuffs :D created sets then cyphered our sets, and then after that just thought of a lot of variations for stuff like basic drops, spin drops and newyork. i thought it was fun :D yaye. yup then after that talked about stuffs, then just did our own stuffs while waiting for boy to come. i was damnnn tired ._. yeah. anyway boy came and taught us toprock and then random stuff like onestep and then swipe ._. which i can't do it's damnnn difficult ): rawr. zzz sian lor. and obviously not strong enough luh, yeah. annoying. yeah then omg when i was doing the toprock there was one time my foot cramped for like one second and i seriously got damnnn freaked out. D: next time cannot strain too much if i'm going gym before that i think :/ and must drink more water and zzz okay shall eat more healthy food? yeah. apparently need to take more potassium and calcium and water ._. okayz. i will. uh. try. :3 heh. yup then after cca we had dinner at sixth avenue, quite early this time :D yaye. which means that i won't get scolded whee :D then after that kaien, who i believe is in depression because there's no school, was so bored that he took 961 with me and walked me all the way home. totally lol max. hahaha damn retarded. he really too 无聊 already. yup then got home and facebooked and slacked and talked to people until around 1 or something then slept. wah today woke up still damn tired. woke up only at 12 plus, then my muscles are aching :D which is a very 爽 feeling (: haha. yep.

anyway, back to nano and hopefully will do some work like lit essays ._. whoops. ohyah did i mention that i finished bio assignment and gv2 tutorial on wednesday? :D LOL. sorry luh happy mah :D yup. but haven't done anything since. today is rot at home day too! i wanted to go out actually, go cwp to shop a bit, buy stationery and clothes and stuff, then go library do work, but decided against it in the end, since i woke up quite late and there's no point going library, then shopping can go tomorrow or something, before i go for class. yep, so no point actually, then decided to stay at home and can nano instead lo :D yupyup okay nano and homework and other stuffs now. byeee (:



因为在喜欢的人面前，无论是谁，都是脆弱的。 - 斗牛，要不要

zzz. i hate parents.
'don't waste time going out with all those people.'
'ask you to ask your brother, you don't want, you say you'll ask your seniors. ask your seniors then how come your results like that.'
well, 'those people', if you don't already know, are my FRIENDS. and what do you know? i'd rather spend time with them than anything else.
and choosing to ask my seniors over my brother obviously shows that i trust them more than i trust my brother. so there.
i really really really hate parents. especially parents who think that tuition can solve the problem of bad grades, and who think that tuition is necessary and good for their children. fuck off.



it's rather depressing to start off with that, though. today's actually a good and special day :D and it's leon and muni's birthday! :D happy birthday leon and muni! :D yaye. happy for them (: haha omg i smsed them at 12 but i was sooo tired and sleepy zomg. must be from gym and pool and running through muddy waters yesterday. anyway, today was supposed to be a damnnn good day, except that it's a public holiday and that means that my mum's at home. yep, the horror. so that totally ruined the day. but that doesn't mean that today isn't a good day - it's still a special day! (:

yesterday, went to school in the morning and self prac-ed (: whee. felt quite good. didn't prac much but i had a hard time thinking of moves so :/ damn. need to remember more moves. ugh. but other than that it felt good training (: after that was smsing bryan and he was at the gym with mark, apparently, so i thought i'd just go over. since i've been wanting to go to the gym since like a few months ago?! just never got round to it, plus i've never been there before so yeah. but since they were there i thought i'd just go (: met kaeyuan on the way there! (: then when i went there, zzz wah sian kaien was there =.= kena niao-ed like crap can. ZZZ. yeah but thanks mark for teaching me how to use all the stuff! haha. if i went on my own i think i will seriously just selfpwn and not know how to use anything. lol. but seriously, i've never been at such a cool gym before can. last time stnicks one was lololol damn fail. please lor all the machines there also like half-spoilt. so yeah, quite happy with my first gym experience! :D LOL. but seriously, gym is damnnn fun. :D some more got aircon leh! walao that's like 爽 max can. cardio room is quite fun too whee :D lol and i was very shocked to realise that the cycling stuffs runs on the cyclist ._. that is. wayyy cool. (: heh. shall go gym & cardio more often! (: yayeee. hopefully i don't see too many people there though, or else will tio niao A LOT ._. zzz.

and then after gym we went to eat lunch at jc canteen, then stoned around for about an hour talking crap before we finally decided to go to beauty world there for pool, even though it was raining heavily. and this was the worst experience of the day, because we walked to the bus stop in a freaking flood-ish place, and my shoes got soaked like CRAP. which basically = my shoes gg and died. ): damn freaking wet socks and shoes luh. i was SOOO annoyed and disgusted and freaked out and saying fuck over and over again ): rawrrr. i hate it when my shoes get wet. especially since mine is CANVAS shoes. zzz. siannn max luh. then finally got to irc [the rain was NOTHING compared to my soaked shoes ):] seriously, i rather get wet like crap, then get my shoes wet. and went to play pool barefooted lolol we all took out our shoes and socks. yup then suat came and we continued playing, then finally left and mark went home and then me and suat went to buy macs, then followed bryan to btm as he ordered carrot cake. lololol where's the carrot hahaha xD funny max sia. i think he has a damn screwed up idea of 'carrot cake' lol. yup then talked and ate and koped food, then finally went homeee. 961 damnnnnnn crowded, sian max =.= plus wet shoes, like sian x100 can. was glad when i finally got home and took off my shoes and socks :3 freedom for my feet ._. lol okay sounds gross but seriously, felt much more comfortable barefooted (: i appreciate my feet okay! (: lol. [k luh appreciate my shoes too, though they're just there mostly for decorative purposes.]

basically didn't do much work yesterday, except i think like 2 questions of bio. yeah. a bit sian, but yeah lor. quite fun day (: got home kena owned by my mum like crap, especially about my shoes. zzz. sat around for half an hour to an hour, blowing my shoes dry with a dryer. sian. that's why i hate getting my shoes wet. my mum was not happy, and asked me to buy a new pair of shoes today. see how bah, i think i might go cwp later. [if the shops are still open lol.] seriously hate cwp now luh, damn ass. the management sucks can. yep so anyway going gym again on thursday :D lol then lunch then cca lor.

will finish bio assignment today and then hopefully another lit essay? 反正 today is rot at home day, cos my mum's at home. was damn pissed just now, and wanted to go library. but the beauty of a public holiday is that the freaking library is not open ): so like effyouseekay lor. then was considering whether i should go starbucks, or ask regina or wanjane if i can go over their house study, but decided not to in the end luh. it's just one day, i can get through it. zzz yeah so will do work lor. nano zzz ): very sad i will try typing something today/friday i hope. then stocks omg i never do anything, shittt need to start doing stuff today serious shit.

will go for sitex and buy my camera [actually i'm still not sure which one i want to buy ._.] and then photoshoot after that bah. sian max photoshoot damn late but no choice luh. after all drag damn long already, few more days probably won't make a difference. i don't think they're very enthu about it either, so aiya just anyhow lor. find a day, photoshoot, if got good photos then i happy, if not then nevermind lor. new experience anyways.

ohoh but we [clique] should go out more often and eat lunch/dinner together and do things togetherrr (: i think we're a good clique. somehow. hmm. dunno. feels very much like family :3 we should do moar things together before j2 starts and we have no time to go out. i just don't know what we should do together. i don't exactly know what activities we have in common ._. except maybe cycling. but other than that i can't really think of anything else :/ jeez. i suckz. ): but i really don't know what we'd all do together leh. eat, and cycle. that's about all i can think of ._. gosh. why ah :/

i think i might go library to do work on friday. work is lagging. so is stocks ): and so is nano ZZZ. sian ): depressed sia.

feeling kind of sad-ish now. not really THAT sad though. just sad-ish. maybe because of what i've read and stuff... hmm. a lot of things to think about actually. too many. nowadays i'm just a mess because i have too many things to do and no idea how to prioritise.

after this post i'm going to try doing some work and then go to sleep. these few days i've been reverting back to my old habit of sleeping and waking late. ugh ): rawrrr. should stop doing that but... old habits die hard. sigh. sleeping around 2am and waking around 12pm these few days. sian max. wake up damn late then like no time to do anything already. zzz. plus i sleep late also not doing anything productive =.= jeez. will try to sleep earlier from tomorrow bah.

told my mum i have cca tomorrow [well honestly i thought i did] and then i found out that there wasn't, so just didn't bother... shall go to school anyway to self prac lor (: anyway i didn't go for self prac today because i thought there was cca on tomorrow. oh sorry today = monday, yeah.

i really really need to start working hard and stop slacking so much, especially regarding stocks because it's a deal and i can't just get something but give nothing. i do my part, fair and square. and even if i don't know what to do or how to do it, at least i need to put some time and effort in to try. and i know that if i'm lost, there'll be help, so for now, it's okay. but there ain't nobody who's gonna help me if i don't even try. so yeah. trying is key.

a few main goals for the holidays: schoolwork, stocks, dance. nano if possible. relax, have fun. also to go broke treating j2s after their a's. lol.

schoolwork. lolol i just finished my cca study plan heh (: actually quite proud of it. i photocopied it to save one copy for myself so that i can refer if i want to (: i already have three different studyplans for the holidays LOL. mostly same content, all schoolwork, but i think i set different dates. which also means i'm a bit screwed up luh hor. but nevermind as long as i do work and finish stuff, should be okay bah.

stocks. gg. didn't do anything today except stare at the sti and go :O 'freak.' lol. later on i stared at it again and went 'oh. well at least it's not as bad as just now.' lol. not helpful manz. will start working on stuffs tomorrow, hopefully... :/ even though i'll be out tomorrow... oops.

dance. yeah tomorrow self prac lor.

nano. gg. dead liao. i don't think i can catch up ): freakkk i feel damn loser ): how ah. veryvery depressed over this, to be honest. it's one of the things that make me go 'yaye :D today's a brand new day. that's just aweso- shit. my nanovel is dying. T_T' something like that yeah. pulls down my mood by A LOT. zzz ): DEPRESSED.

relax&have fun. i want to play bball. and no, not in school with school friends. i want to play at the court here with fuchun friends like ttw mj kc they all. sian ): and i should go swimming soon. okay. will note that down. tomorrow must go return library books. i'm returning 2 first, i think. don't know whether to return the other 2, because i want to read, but they're damn thick and i renewed already so i doubt i can finish reading, plus i have a lot of stuffs to do this holiday... :/ due on thursday i think. how ah :/ sigh. i want to read but no time! freakkk ): tomorrow if i have time i also need to buy stuffs. like hair clip and pen ink and stapler and clothes. rawrz. also actually wanted to go to uniqlo to get plain tshirts for dance, but i have a better idea now :D shall just find old tshirts that my dad and brother don't use anymore (: heh. and my brother helped me fix the speaker after buying the wire today, so now i can play music from my ipod on the speakers around the hall. yaye. speakers in almost all four corners of hall + any music from my ipod + empty space in the hall = bgirling :D yaye now i can train at home more often without going out how awesome is that. since my mum doesn't like me going out.

tomorrow going to self prac in the morning to afternoon, then do work, then go pool with bryan mark suat and then go eat dinner together (: maybe have lunch with wanjane or something in the afternoon if she's free? see how. but sounds good yay. my mum was not happy that i was going to pool though ._. sigh. i guess there's only so much that i'm willing to sacrifice to make her happier.

nothing much already. i'm wondering how i'm going to cope in j2 because i'm such a loser at acads. ugh. results are like crap and i think i'll just die next year :/ i really really want to be like the people i admire so much, but there's only so much you can do to be like them. intelligence doesn't come just because you ask for it to. and hardwork doesn't happen just because you will it to. if i want things to be done, i have to learn to make them happen. and not just sit by the side of the road and watch the cars go by, because if i keep doing that one day i'll just rot and turn to dust. i need to learn to start DOING things, instead of just wishing for them to happen miraculously. no self discipline. yeah, that's me. ARGH.



i miss you.
dreaming about you just goes to show how much i miss you.
i miss your smile and your laughter, i miss your voice and i miss talking to you. i miss the old times when we used to have so much fun, used to laugh together. i miss those times when i could sit and watch you from afar, as you led your own life and ignored me. i miss everything about you.
i don't think i mean anything to you, but i just wanted to say, that you mean so much to me, so much more than you will believe, and i miss you so badly you would never believe it. i want to see you again.

there are so many things i'm experiencing nowadays that are so bitter and yet so sweet. it's hard to tell, really, whether they're more bitter than sweet or sweet than bitter. i think, when i truly love someone, this love doesn't seem to be able to dissipate or disappear or go away. it just stays there, always following the person around. that's why it's so hard to forget someone, it's almost impossible for me. :/ i miss you too. come back, my love.

everyone sets out on their own journeys, walks through their own path. occasionally, some paths meet and some divide, but that's life.

for me, i would like to believe that, one day, we will cross paths. and when we do, our path will continue on together forever. and i would like to think that it's just a matter of time. because i believe that you exist. or perhaps our paths are already joined together, merely that we are not looking up from the ground, haven't seen each other eye to eye. yet. because every time someone that looks like you comes around, i will keep my eyes peeled on that person, anxious and eager to find you, not willing to miss you in case you come and go. i haven't found you, but i'm still searching. and i will always be looking. always, until i find you. because i believe that you exist, and i believe that i will find you one day. that beacon of hope and light, that's you.



dreamt of someone that day (: it made me happy, just thinking about it.



how is it that i can't seem to be as good as anyone i admire? ):
so all i can do is sit on the sidelines and cheer them on, forgoing my own life in the process. ):



anyway, wednesday is coming (: 17th november! it's a special day :D yaye. i can't wait (:

it's so hard to do this ): ugh. life has never been harder. never as mentally challenging as this. honestly. sucks man. back to work ):

sianzzz. me and my brother just made a compulsory deal with my dad. 300 bucks a month each as long as we do the work. that's actually quite scary ): must start being serious and stop playing around already. i know my brother's done it before, so i guess it's not as tough for him, but me, i have no idea. i reallyreally need to stop playing, do some real work. can't let this opportunity just go down the drain. :/ this is like some mountain right in front of me that i need to climb ): boo. jiayou jane you can do it.



anyway, yesterday went to celebrate mark's birthday (: played pool at irc with mark bryan and abigail, then proceeded to orchard where we met regina and esther. then went to... omg, wait for it... the grand hyatt :O where we ate dinner at pete's place (: yaye. awesomeness. sia la. salad buffet i totally crammed damn lot of food. then main course i ordered carbonara, and dessert was chocoliato or something. the salad was (y) :D plus the bread damn nice. the carbonara was average, and the dessert, which was chocolate cake, was just epic good. seriously. it looked normal from the outside, but inside it was warm and soft and creamy chocolatey-ish delightful (: lovely. i didn't regret ordering that. and i was sooo freaking damn full after that ._. lol plus have class after that, i totally just died can. like zomg sorry too full can't move! lol. after dinner, we went over to orchard central and they waited for my class to start before going off. i think they went to the rooftop garden to talk? yep. kind of sad i missed out on that, but yeah :/ can't help it luh. but yep, dinner was good, and lolol at all the [sick] jokes manz! (: my group of friends are seriously epic (y). they're either DAMN sick or DAMN innocent =.= which is seriously TOTALLY lol. seriouslyyy big contrast. sorry to say, i'm on the sick side. except that i don't spontaneously say sick stuff, okay. i only show it when someone says something, and it sounds wrong to me. so i'll just be like 'that sounds wrong.' lol. tskkk bad influence from regina and mark, seriously. tsk tsk. i think we all sort of influenced each other already. like mark got his swearing influence from regina me and bryan i guess. yeah. wah. haha sia la, i'm mixing with bad company! lol (: but yeah, pool and dinner was veryvery fun! (: thanks everyone, especially mark! :D 谢谢! we should do this more often - NO, not spending $x on dinner at some damn ex restaurant, but go out and eat together and talk more often (: it felt really really good, like just sitting around with some of your best buddies and eating and talking and laughing together (: thanks guys, really (: much appreciated.

and lol class was just :/ because i was so damn full. luckily it was mostly toprock. -audible sigh of relief- heh. and yes i got to know the 14 year old girl, amy, who xinyun battle at the after school cypher jam. joey introduced us. but like whoa whoa haha all connected somehow. cool. i think she's cool (: yep. and i definitely want to go for the next cypher jam, so pleaseee come soon. they should have more during the holidays! :D yep. ohyah but poly don't have holiday now hor :/ damn. after that went home and finished reading 'the fall' in the cherub series :D yaye. awesomeness. shall attempt to upload all the fac outing photos by today. don't know if i can, though, because i still need to do more important stuff. yeah :/ sigh.



now, for the rest of november, i have absolutely no idea what to put my priorities on. homework, shares or nano. D: quite obviously to me, homework should come first. and of course, to my dad, shares. now that he's actually taking it seriously, i guess i might put it first instead. and then, nano. which might not seem important at all, but if i manage to complete it, it'd be like fulfilling one of my goals. no, not important in terms of priority, but very in terms of my personal goals in life and motivating me to continue doing well. also extremely important to regain my own identity. yeah... sigh. loads of things to do.

agreed to pay my brother 5 bucks if he helps me fix up my ipod to the speakers around my living room. he says he needs to get the wire, and asked if that's included in the 5 bucks. so i said no, i'd pay for it, but he had to go help me get it too. so yeah, it's a deal i suppose. no, i'm not rich, but i really want music to play from the speakers. my living room is surrounded my speakers in almost every corner, so if we're watching a really good action movie on tv or something, we usually turn on the speakers. it's good (: almost like surround sound (: and i want to play music from my ipod on these speakers, not just from the tv and radio, but we need the wire. need the speakers because i'm intending to dance at home more, since i can't go out to train that often, and i need the music. and if i have proper speakers at home, might as well use them rather than use those tiny bring along anywhere speakers. yep. hope he fixes it up soon, then can start breaking at home (: yaye.

also intend to eventually get audition working on my desktop. and downloading civilization V on it too. yep. just a matter of time. okay really busy for the rest of november. off to do work, ta (:

yup. nanovel officially dying ): i veryveryvery sad but no time! freakkk. ):

woke up early today but i fell asleep again on the table so i suppose you could say i woke up late. and thus arrived at cca late ): but okay luh. today's session quite okay (: i thought it was quite fun. i like the limited cypher thing. like toprock-only cypher and stuff. makes you think more, plus you start seeing interesting moves come out. and i thought today's cypher, the hit-the-beat cypher was good. we should do this more often, because i have absolutely no idea how to hit the beat and i definitely need more practice :/ haiz. yep. three rounds of cypher and i screwed up my last one by a lot. ): haiz. then yeah lor, after that we had felix-style drills hahaha kaien and gato damnnn funny. seriously. lol. i like felix-style drill too! (: its much better than just drilling the same move over and over again, especially if you want to get smooth transitions and stuff. then after that we had 2v2 battles. me and weicher vs joey and kahhow at first, then we lost, so after that was third round placing vs huangbin and daniel. got third. hmm. don't know why but today i wasn't really very nervous about bgirling (: that's good. really. after the battle we just did our own stuff, and then cyphered one more time. yep. didn't manage to cypher for the last one though. eek. but i reallyreally wanted to go for the after school cypher jam, but uhh ): my mum will kill me. zzz. next time i WILL & MUST GO! ): i reallyreally want to go! ): i hate this life manz. go home do homework sia. walao eh. i'm like some screwed up no lifer. RAWRRRRR. wait till i do damn well in bt1 and bt2 and prelims and a's manz. [haha which i doubt will happen for all except maybe a's ._. and anyway that's too long later.] AIYA. wait till i do well manz! i will start having a life! hopefully ): SADDED.

anyway, went to eat at kap macs with joey [thanks joey! (: hahaha i owe you that favour xD] and then i took damn long to eat. haha. ate macs + a lot of sushi. siao dao. after that i super full and bloated. didn't even bother to sit down throughout the bus ride even though i was really damn tired and wanted to sleep, because too full need to stand around and 消化 the food manz. sian. yeah. then got home and attempted to do homework but fell asleep cos damn tired ): after that i showered then continued homework (: so in the end, after a lot of pushing, i managed to finish the paper1 lit essay poem comparison today :3 yaye. happy. haha. yeah luh one essay only, still have like 4 left zzz but yeah, at least one done. whee. hopefully tomorrow won't be too tired in the morning, then can start on bio assignment or something. SIAN. no lifer come home and do homework walao eh. rawrrr. nevermind tomorrow going to pool! :D and eat dinner with friends (: mark treating to celebrate his birthday o.O haha rich kid sia :P and then at night have class. yaye.

okay i need to sleep soon. eyes are dying plus i'm tireddd and haha tamaryn is crazaye. hahaha. okay luh i think both of us a bit siao. oh wells. okay luh i might uhhh. try to upload the photos for fac outing from camera onto my desktop [using laptop now.] if it doesn't take too long and i don't fall asleep, then i'll just leave it as that, and look through the photos tomorrow.

SIANNN. cyphercyphercypher! ): i wanttt. hehehe got cool footwork okayz (: and once i get a smooth transition into and out of babyfreeze.... heh heh heh :D went to ask around for transition out of baby during cca. thanks jiahan and kahhow (: whee. babyfreeze here i come (: hee. okay going to switch comp [or if i don't feel like it, sleep.] already. seeya! tmr will be a good day (: (: (:

so many things to talk about.

left home in the afternoon to go to crystal's house. played civilization v there lolol. okay luh it's really not bad, i guess i'll try playing (: after all i'm still sourcing for games to play. so yeah. then left around 3pm for harbourfront vivocity. reached around 4pm and waited for other s77ians before we took the monorail to sentosa. whoosh. then got off and walked all the way to wavehouse. wah sia la my feet died can. got another blister or something of that sort from my slippers again. freak ): need to change slippers sia. keep giving me blisters and it hurt like crap even though small injury only. rawr ): walkwalkwalk, reach, see more people, performances start, and yeah. whoosh. fac outing itself was just a lot of performances, a lot of hosting, a lot of competitions and a lot of games. yep. the wave thing was really really damn cool though. i want to go there again to surf the wave ): can anot ah ): i wanttt it's really freaking cool. couldn't cos i didn't have an indemnity form. like freak la ): rawr. also took quite a lot of photos. other than that, had quite a fun time with the class too :3 yep. then after that walked out [and killed my feet again.] and went back to vivo and ate dessert at kopitiam with the class. at first wanted to eat icecream at sentosa, but the place closed already zzz so yeah. after that went homeee (:

and lol took mrt to jurong to change mah, then er lol sherwin was taking to jurong too so yeah. very fulfilling trip to jurong talking to him. LOL. k no luh. but he damn ass can. wahseh. keep niaoing me and saying he want to puke when he go past marsiling, cos i live there =.= lameee. but its k i got back at him :D damn funny. cos my mum called and miraculously didn't scold me, so i told him he was a lucky charm, then he very happy, then i was like, next time i go home with you more often k :D and he almost puked again. lololol yay good job to myself (: hee.

insert: k getting sleepy already. shall finish up quickly and not elaborate much cos i tireddd.

realised that our class have a lot of haters. okay not literally haters but evil people and i shall call them haters. i don't like people like that. so i suppose i still haven't attained nirvana cos i hate haters.

photos are siaooo. total 467 photos. 11 from crystal's house, so 456 from fac outing. more than 100 of madhiphop, and about 40 of hulahassle. i think i keesiao already. tomorrow will be revise + delete a lot + upload. sian. tiring sia.

lol ms liew recommended canon powershot s95. went to read up on the review. it's really not bad, except that can't zoom while videoing. but small and sleek (: i think i'll wait for sitex to buy sx30is. zzz. sitex hurry come. which probably means i can't do the photoshoot until after sitex bah ): saddened.

going to school in the morning tomorrow for cca, then after that going to have lunch with wanjane bah. hopefully my cca doesn't end that late. then i can come back to settle photos and then do lots of work. school work and homework rawrrr ): i need to start doing work leh ):

okay off to sleep. damn tired. half sleeping while typing this already ZZZ.

my novel is dyinggg ): how ah. trying to save it but it's so difficult! ): need to start putting aside time for it manz. T_T i want to complete nanowrimo this year ):


fac outing later! (: at wavehouse sentosa (: shall bring my camera heh it's not everyday you can take pictures by the beach. and i just realised that asking my dad whether i can bring the camera to the beach is a retarded question cos he brought me to the beach with the camera last time too. -facepalm- crap. haha. okay. darnnn. i need to start thinking more. and then going crystal's house before that. haha :D like damn long never hang out with her liao. yiinghuey also wah seriously damn long never see her already. yeah. shall go her house like for an hour plus, then leave for fac outing. a bit retarded luh, but haha it's okay since i have nothing to do! except nano and homework ): rawr. okay. shall settle stuffs before i leave house then (: whee fac outingz :D still wondering whether i should bring extra set of clothes ._. not like i'm going to get wet, but yeah ._. precautionary measures hahaha. hmm. see how bah. rawrrr okay hurry pack and hurry nano and hurry maybe finish up some homework and then go out already (: k whoosh. seeyaz (: oh and i decided to get canon powershot xs30is :D but i think i might wait until sitex to buy it yeah.

one phone call and i'm crying again.
i hate them. i hate hwachong. i hate having a life like this.
can't stop crying now.
i hate crying, feel so weak and lousy.
i hate myself.

no one understands.

but everyone in the world pretty much feels the same way. so perhaps it's just that people can't understand each other.



last post filled with vulgarities lol paiseh. sorry for what, i don't know. just, for spewing vulgarities i suppose. i do that when i'm in a very bad mood. anyway, got woken up at 8 today, but once my mum left the house i went back to sleep. woke up for a while at 10, then again at 10.30 when crystal called me, and then again around 11 or 12, and finally woke up at 1.15 and got out of bed. eyes are all swollen thanks to crying so much yesterday, so even though i really wanted to go out and buy my camera today, i guess i'll save it for sunday or something. anyway also need to ask my dad about it, because the cameras aren't as zai as i thought they were. my dad wants video and zoom. i want it to be small and compact, and able to shoot fast moving objects, which a lot can't ): zzz. considering between canon powershot sx30 is, nikon coolpix p100, and nikon coolpix p7000. zomg p7000 is so tiny compared to the other two! :D hee. sorry luh i don't like lugging around huge dslrs lor ): very 麻烦 ): but p7000 the zoom is :/ HAIZ. okay shall ask my dad when he comes home today. but haha compacts are cheap manz! so much cheaper than dslrs. waow (:

fac outing tomorrow, and then training on friday (: heh. good week. i can't believe it's the holidays already. time passes so fast in jc. i seriously need to catch up on nano, and of course, will probably start on homework today. hopefully i can finish it soon, just in case my mum asks what i've been doing. i have a feeling she's going to start asking me that everyday. fuck. so yeah, will have to get work done, and start studying, doing revision and practice papers. she says she's going to dig out my brother's stuff to make me read. no thanks, i'd rather stick to what i have. but not like i can say no, so uhhh... i have no idea what's going to happen. ugh ): this is probably one of the only reasons why i even try to do well in school - so my parents don't kaobei me when i get home at the end of the day and show them my results. rawr ):

okay sucks. nothing seems to be going right in my life now. except that in one corner of my mind, i'm telling myself that it's the holidays, that i can relax, that i'll keep going because after all this shit i'll feel better, and that i need to stay strong for myself, for my good friends, and for you too, i suppose. even though that's a lie because i know that i'm not strong at all. i'm so damn weak and i know it, just trying not to admit it, just trying not to show it. this shouldn't be happening. ever since i stepped into hwachong, my life has been going down. way down. i shouldn't have come here in the first place, i shouldn't be here. all i'm feeling is miserable, and that's not how i'm supposed to feel. it's not the results. i don't know what it is. the people, maybe.

and my dad says i should at least be getting BCBC or something around that, because then at least it's not that far from an A, and i can work on it. now, with results like that, he's asking me how can i improve all these to As? i wonder. but honestly, i know that even if i got BCBC, no one would be satisfied with me. my dad would just think it's average, ask me to improve them to As, my mum would still complain, and my brother would obviously laugh at me. haha, didn't even get any As, last time i used to get As for all my subjects... or something along those lines. the usual. anyway, before i handed my mum the result slip yesterday, i told her, just don't show it to my brother. i swear, if my brother hears about it, i might as well just move out of my house and camp in the library or something. he'll go on about it all day long, and, if there's something i hate about him besides him being a total asshole, is that he measures people by the grades they get. and if he heard about my results, there would be no end to his laughter. i'm serious.

my family is elitist shit, and i hate them for that. hate them to the core for being so elitist, for never accepting anyone who are not good enough for them. it's the one and only similar thing that i hate all of them for. and i don't think i'll ever change this view of them. not even till their deaths.

sometimes i really wished that i didn't have a family like this. i wouldn't mind if i didn't have a family at all. no family, abandoned on the streets, maybe put in an orphanage, or begging for money on the streets, no friends, perhaps even sold for money... i can imagine my life like that. and to me, that's a better life actually. no, i'm not deluded, just being honest.



i just want to bury myself in music.
someone buy me 'fuse' and 'for your entertainment' please.
and i want to listen to songs like 'fireflies' and 'dynamite' on repeat. rawr ):

i feel like crap. i feel like someone who just got drunk or something. i feel miserable.
wonder what can make this feeling go away.
music? playing the violin? nanoing? doing homework? studying? talking to someone? taking photos? watching the sunset? jogging? swimming? thinking about something else altogether?

yet i feel so calm. is it the calm after or before the storm? i wonder. maybe i'll go draw out my timetable and schedule for the holidays now. hmm. study plan, yeah. maybe that'll make me feel better. then some music on repeat and a bit of homework, and then perhaps catching up on nano. i wonder what i should do when my mum comes home. read a book, maybe. i should get off the computer when she's at home, make it seem like i'm doing something more useful then 'talking to my friends' on the computer, which she claims is an absolute waste of time. don't want to do work when she's at home, though. it's annoyingly painful to do so. will find something to do. play my guitar maybe.

haha. i think, if i see a counsellor now, i'll just ask him/her to eff off. haha. ouch, right? oh wells.

can't seem to clench my left fist today. it hurts. muscle feel very strained when i try. must have injured/strained it yesterday or while sleeping or something ): saddened.

can't even be bothered to go out to buy lunch today. [not like i can be bothered on other days either. heh xD] shall just eat bread and stuff. anyway i woke up so late, there's not much point eating proper lunch also. there's a lot of bread at home (: hee. my mum said i could finish them all o.o lolol.



fac outing tomorrow! (: wanted to get camera today, then bring tomorrow, but since i didn't go and buy the camera today... hmm. should i bring my dslr?

i can't wait to get a hybrid aka compact. and hopefully it's really compact. so much easier to carry around (:

okay luh, off to work on my study plan and schedule for holidays (:

keep this distance. it's fine. in fact, further would be better but this is enough. keep it like this. and i won't go crazy. don't come closer. i'm not that open as you think. in fact, opening up to this world has just made me realise that it's not something i want to do. no, my past wasn't my facade. merely the forced will to open up, but something that i can do without.



op was today. i thought it was fine. i couldn't even tell if i was looking at my script a lot, but i don't care. q&a was weird but i think fine in the end too. sometime in between, i ran downstairs to class bench to wish the seniors all the best for their a's. wanjane and my class seniors, since they were all at left wing. lol i wished like charis, sarah, valerie and then looked up to find the guys clique, and i was like 'uhh. those people don't need to wish right?' to valerie, and she was like lol yeah don't need. hahaha so i guess i sort of just ignored them and then wished yubin and francis too before i went back, cos they were sitting quite near our class bench.. whoosh. felt good after that and rushed back to op but the class was still waiting outside for quite long, so there was no need to rush actually ._. yeah. worried for j2s ):

after that there was class outing to waffletown. and i said i was definitely going. was damn freaking happy. class outing somemore leh. more of half-class outing luh, but yeah. just very shuang that we were going waffletown, all together. super high somemore can, i was like telling teri how waffle + icecream owns everything else. no, i don't care if waffletown sucks, or if the food sucks, because i've never been there. all i care is that our class was going there together, and i wanted to be part of it. besides, i told my pw group that i would go celebrate with them after op. and the waffletown idea was started by my group, because we were going there, then decided to ask the whole class later on. so i was just in a damn good mood. until someone told me that we were buying mark's present today. i was like totally _l_. seriously. fucking pissed can. no, not blaming anyone or pissed at anyone, and not because i didn't want to go. just fucking pissed that i didn't know about it and was so excited about going to waffletown before that. fuck la. seriously damn ass. and no i don't want to talk about this to anyone, so if anyone reads this, just ignore me, okay? i just need to vent my emotions and yes, that's obviously what a blog is for.

anyway, went to bugis [hee (:] street to shop for clothes for mark. whoa took quite a short time leh o.o about an hour only. which is really quite wow. and which reminds me that i need to go shopping soon with crystal and yiinghuey again (: after that i tried to find skirts but cannot find nice ones ): so then we headed home. watched lxd [the legion of extraodinary dancers] on train home. episodes 2 and 3 only. episode 3 is kind of freaky. but yeah, both were nice (: and the uhh porridge for dinner zzz. i told my mum burger but she obviously doesn't listen so yeah. the porridge was torture so i didn't finish it. sian.

will go buy camera tomorrow. need to do some research first tonight though. i want to bring the camera to fac outing on thursday to take photos and videos, if possible. it'd be such a waste if i don't. wanted to just buy the camera first, but if i'm making a trip specially to buy it, might as well get the video converter too. ugh. okay.



everyone wants more money, but no one wants less. but surely someone out there has thought about this. having less money might actually make you more happy. less materialistic things, more feelings.

money was made to be spent, not saved. that's why i spend money.

and i think that if you put me in kinokuniya for a day, you'll find yourself broke at the end of the day.



will be showing my parents my results today. a bit nervous :/





9.40pm.

just finished crying.

i showed my mum my result slip, and she was just giving the usual same comments. yeah it hurt, but they're things i already expected, so no biggie. i could handle it still. then she asked me to pass it to my dad, so i did. and he was like 'what is this?' i thought he was like, you know, honestly ask what it was. but no, when he said that, he meant that he couldn't believe i was producing results like that. and when he said it, the tears just started forming. and yeah, i started crying.

and i just got fucking scolded for crying. thanks. thanks A LOT. so helpful of you all. so helpful to know that even crying isn't allowed here, in my own home.

nothing's allowed, is it? i can't even let slip a tiny show of weakness. no, not even to family, because family is worse than friends. family doesn't forgive any mistakes you make, family doesn't overlook any faults you have.

but i know. i knew that long ago. that's why. that's why i never loved family. there wasn't any reason to, in the first place. there's no point, just a waste of effort.

'why are you crying?' 'every time also cry. all she knows is how to cry.'
yeah, thanks. thanks man. fuck you.

'korkor also don't cry over results.'
yeah? well, maybe that's because he's smarter, maybe that's because he can ace everything without studying.
maybe it's because i'm different from him. but you all fail to recognise it, don't you?

'you should be ashamed of yourself.' 'your brother can do it.'
yeah. thanks so much. i'm ashamed of having such parents, who are always comparing me to my brother, who is obviously much smarter than me in terms of iq. just fuck off.

and yeah, continue doubting my ability to promote.
'results like that also can promote ah? if i was a hwachong teacher, this kind of results sure cannot promote.'

'why hwachong results like this?'
my reply, 'hwachong students are smart, that's why their results are good, then i'm not as good, that's why my results like that luh.'
'how can that be? you got into hwachong leh. if you can get into hwachong that means you can do well also whut.'
seriously, just fuck la.

if you all think i'm godly, well, just go ahead and continue thinking that way. some screwed up logic you have.

so you tell me, no more going out. no more outings with friends. stay at home and study for the entire holidays. no more dancing. fuckkkkkkk. fuck you i still want to dance, and i still want to go out with my friends, and i still want to enjoy my holidays. who says i can't do that and study at the same time? and it's not even like i did very badly. CEEE very bad ah. yeah luh i suppose it's very bad to you.


i just want to get out of hwachong, i just want to quit jc, i just want to move out of this house which is not my home, i just want to get away from these parents who are never satisfied with me. i want to run away from home and never come back. i don't think it really matters where i go, as long as i'm not here at home. but the irony of it all is that i can't leave the house, remember? i need to stay at home and study. and as long as i'm inside this house with you guys in it, i will not be in a good mood.

logged out of facebook cos i don't want to talk to anyone. now i remember what my blog is truly for.

-sniff nose- 'i don't want to hear that sound ah. go and blow your nose or something.'
great. GREAT. now i can't even fucking SNIFF at home. _l_





i'll still be wishing for you j2s (:

i seriously can't believe that the left side bar is longer than my blogposts now D: dang. means that i haven't been blogging much. but it's okay luh. that's fine. not that much time anyway. and nowadays i don't even have time for my own life, so where would i find time to blog about it? yeah :/ we'll see how it goes. still, i'm glad this blog is here for me to let out some stress and thoughts and stuff (: yep.



tomorrow is start of a levels for most of the j2s that i know. and as i've already posted on facebook,

JIAYOU.
ALL THE BEST.

and i'll be here wishing veryveryvery hard for you guys. especially leon and wanjane, who are awesome people. and people who i uhhh know better? like edwin, genin, valerie, sarah, kaeyuan, charis, brandon, [uhh zichao and weiqi don't need right... lol.] zixin, yubin, francis, jiemin, honghwee, uhh haha i don't know luh. long list (: hee. jiayou all of you!

just texted leon (: hee. zomg lol just now i was like CRAP it's 11 plus liao what if he went to sleep already then ): saddd. gg later he never see my text before a's then how D: hahaha luckily he was still awake (: so yupp. yaye. i don't think there's anymore very important people la hor (: haha. yeah leon is super 重要! (: wahaha because he is awesome (: heh.

okay la that's all. hope everyone who i've listed does well yeah? (:



tomorrow is also op day. but of course, how can op compare to actual a's right. mm. but yeah, i will work hard too, try not to stumble and everything (: as long as i'm not too scared or nervous 就可以了 (:

need to sleep soon. just going to finish up my edited script to print then i'll go sleep bah. wanted to check the cameras too [choose which camera to buy] but a bit late now. i think i'll just check tomorrow lor. heh. spent too much time on facebook and stuff just now, so yeah :/ heh.



today had op rehearsal in the afternoon. i think it was okay luh. just need to brush up more yeah. then my group generally also okay (: yaye. after rehearsal i went to find wanjane and talked to her lor. was going to nano at her class bench but then i walked past 79 bench and saw kahhow and daniel there so i thought i'd just talk to them for a while. who knew it became a super long chatting session. plus xinyun came later too. so yeah. ended up talking for veryvery long. but it was good talking to them (: and because i really miss bgirling yesterday and today, i sort of wanted to tell them luh, but later on decided against it. anyway if i say also like no point right. haha. nevermind i'll just go bgirl soon (: wednesday thursday if possible maybe can find time to break. if not just at home lor. friday have training in the morning yaye (: goodgood (: yupp. and they say have after school cypher. hmm. see how bah. honestly speaking, i really want to go. just... yeah. anyway, after that when i got back to wanjane's bench it was 6pm already, and she wanted to study her dna notes finish first, so by the time we walked out of school, it was 6.45pm. lol. oh wells.

went to starbucks! (: heh. treated her to food but she paid for her own drink D: nevermind after a's i treat her again. lol. and i bought food too. omg yummy the food is niceee (: hee. and the coffee is (y) too! :D except that everything is damn ex. haha. zomg. okay. i want to go starbucks more often! :D hehe. then sat there and studied while eating/drinking lor. tried memorising my script zomg i think i quite fail ): if i have time i will read to myself before sleeping later. after that around 8pm her parents came to fetch her home and i got a ride home (: thanks! so i reached home around 8.30 plus which my mum thought was quite early :D hee. yaye.



anyway, i realised that i have really really REALLY damn low self esteem for certain things :/ uhm. i guess the most obvious one being dancing. it's true what everyone says. no confidence lor. and i'm really trying to work on it but i don't know how, or rather, i don't know the proper way to raise your self esteem. will keep trying i suppose. there are just certain things that you don't have the confidence to do. like for mark and bryan i guess it's public speaking. [which held true for me last time too. all the way until sec 4. i would get veryveryvery freaking nervous just before i talk. yes, even as math rep and even when asking them to hand up homework, which is obviously a damn easy task. i'm glad i'm not like that anymore. maybe it's just because i'm more comfortable around my class? it's hard to judge accurately anyway.] and for me then i guess it's dancing. and... surprisingly enough, talking to customer service people, like when i'm ordering food. damn screwed up right. yeah, i know. but i'm serious. yes i do get nervous when i talk to that macs person who's taking my order. it's just an... in-built thing. being nervous when i talk to people i don't know. i suppose. so yeah, it sucks but this really sucks because if i don't have the confidence to dance, then i think i might as well not dance. so what if i really love it? it's nothing if i can't show it. what's the point of dancing if you're not showing it to the world, really. dancing is performing. and you can only perform if you have your confidence. ugh. ): sucks la. someone tell me, where do i go to find my confidence back?



last thing is just...

you know, i still think about you all the time.
and i suppose it must mean something, because i dreamt of you again last night.
in my dreams you realised that it was me, and i was happy that you did.
but dreams are often the opposite of what happens in real life.
i don't think you'll ever find out that it was me, and even though i want to tell you very badly, i won't.
i'll keep it to myself for now, until the day that you find out, or until the day that i can't take it any longer.

but i just wanted to say, that i still think of you and dream about you all the time. and if i could make a wish at this moment right now, i would wish that you could come back to me. that things could be as they were before. because i miss our past so, so much. but that which has been broken, can never again be repaired. so this memory of ours - will it stay as a memory forever and always? or will we be able to dig it up together once more?
i tried, but i can't forget you. you're everywhere in my mind, and i can't get rid of you. and every time i see you my heart speeds up, telling me that there's no way i can do without you. not right now at least. not until i forget you, forget your face, forget your voice, forget you completely. but i can't.

just had a... very weird dream. i don't know whether it's more of a nightmare or a dream, but i'm used to a lot of action-packed stuff in my dreams so i suppose it's not really very nightmarish. although it IS quite darn freaky. it's a LONG LONG STORY that i wrote on one whole piece of paper right after i woke up, and i really can't be bothered to waste time typing it here right now. maybe when i'm more free. or maybe never but yeah.



basically it was just a dream about this family with 4 children, eldest brother, elder sister, younger sister, youngest brother. and they live at the top of a high-rise building but they're at the top of their block so they have this glass ceiling and walls thing for their living room. honestly i'm not sure where are the other rooms. but anyway, the younger brother noticed a violin being played by absolutely no one, pointed it out, all of them stared at the moving violin in the opposite block without anyone touching it, [that unit had glass walls too btw] and could hear the violin sound. then after that [i'm getting spooked here already guys.] they go research or read up on it, and found out that changing their names can help to protect them or something. so like 'dutch' is a good name because it's closed up, with a 'd' and 'h', while something like 'victoria' which ends with 'a' is a bad name. so they go about changing their names, the doorbell rings and the younger sister opens the door, because the others are sort of busy researching, and this pe-teacher like person comes into the house [don't worry she's normal] and then she wants to talk to the elder brother about something pe-related [lol], but they're kind of busy, so she sits down and waits for a while.

after a while, the doorbell rings again. and since they're all kind of busy, the guest [pe-teacher like person] says she'll open the door. so she walks to the door [which is situated in some corner, so you can't really see what's going on from the living room] and the younger sister runs after her to tell her that she'll open the door instead [because guests shouldn't be made to open the door] but she was too late and the guest had opened the door. but when she did, this white ball of light was outside and it came in and grabbed her and immediately went back out and the door closed. so she disappeared and the younger sister witnessed it. [okay freak i think i'm typing out the whole thing already =.= but it's kind of brief. and you have NO IDEA how cool their house looks man. that, i can't type out. only draw. and yes, i did draw it on the paper just now.] so the younger sister [no she doesn't scream. she's brave (:] calls out to her siblings and tells them what happens. they bring her back in [from the corridor leading to the door, back into the living room] and they were walking back in or something when the doorbell rang again. [whoa. freaky huh.] the eldest brother grabs a book off the table and goes back to the corridor. all of them wait in the corridor, while he, closest to the door, opens it slightly then brings his hand back [into the corridor where he's standing] but puts out his other hand with the book, so the only thing in front of the door is the book, and partly his hand. and again this bright white light appears and the book is violently tugged from his hand. he tries to hold on to it and pull it back, but the thing is too strong and he eventually lets go of the book and the door closes. they get freaked out, of course.

and then somehow i don't know why the father wasn't with them before that but he's there with them now. [and they're no longer at home but at this open air place which looks very much like their home actually. the buildings around are the same, i think. just that the place is open air and more like some huge empty platform at the top of a building, except that there's no rails around so you can just walk off and fall from a very high place. yep.] and he tries to think about it and mumbles something 'today's the day when...' and he doesn't need to say it out loud because it's the day when their mother died. so then the father walks over to a memento of the mother [which i have no idea why, but it's her HEAD. yes, her head. gosh. is that morbid or what. i seriously wonder where my brain got that idea from. harry potter or something, perhaps? but was harry potter's one that morbid? hmm.] and mumbles softly to it. it mumbles back. they were having the same argument that they had when the mother was still alive. something about the way they take care of the children. and then he mumbles back, but somehow it seems that he lost the argument. so then he sort of looks up and notices that the ghost of the mother has appeared at the edge of this place. the younger sister is nearest to him and looks up too and notices it. [i think it was from 1st person pov and i was the younger sister for most of the time. but there were times that i took on other people like the elder brother when he stuck the book out. i was pulling on the book, i could feel it.]

the mother's ghost isn't really a ghost, looks more like a blue zombie. a bit like avatar-style, but i don't watch avatar so seriously no idea how my brain works. then the zombies of the 4 children start appearing too. except for the elder brother. the younger sister has started walking towards them, trying to figure it out or understand this occurrence better, i suppose. but then she realises they're bad/evil and starts running back. she yells at the father to run, and he's already running. the father stops halfway when the two elder siblings pull out basketballs [to throw at the zombies. seriously, i swear my brain is wow.] and he runs back. the younger sister reach this stairs which go up, but the looks up and sees the zombie of the elder brother there. he throws a basketball at her but she manages to dodge. then catches another one and throws it at the bunch of zombies instead [the family of them.] one of them [mother/elder sister] was reaching into a crate of basketballs and this ball hit her so yay for the younger sister. then the younger sister turns back and starts running in the opposite direction, while yelling at the father to run away and warning him not to approach the zombies but he's already walking towards them. she accidentally drops the basketball she's holding but her younger brother is nearby and throws her another one, picking up the one she dropped, then she turns back to the bunch of zombies and runs towards them, all the while yelling for her father, who had now turned blue colour too, which was obviously a bad sign.



after this dream, i'm absolutely certain that i must be weird. or that my brain must work weirdly. or something. before this dream there was another one where everyone dressed up as halloween like stuff to go for this school party. from 1st person pov, 'i' dressed up as a vampire and was constantly applying white/red cream/paint to my face. my close friend also dressed up as a vampire but although applying cream/paint was more realistic, she tried her hardest to avoid applying it, because the more she looked like a vampire, the more she became one. so if she put the cream/paint, when she walks around she'd start preying on people. freaky, huh. and there was also something about 'my' mum and grandma coming into the scene, but they were characters from 'bgirl' the movie. aiya basically it's just... complicated. lol. but yeah.

i swear my brain is sooo weird. gosh. i was quite freaked out when i woke up this morning. oh but i think all my dreams only started in the late morning, just before i wake up. around that time. yeah.



okay back to pw and violin prac and nanoing. lol found out that weilun and ken nano too. waow. weilun faster than me, ken slower. and wanjane's brother is pro manz. 20k words already i think. bleh ): i no time to write! rawr. okay shall write more today. last night wanted to write but came home quite late then tired liao and my mum angry at me ask me turn off the laptop ): boo.

this is for ultra random updates. like...

[wanted to post this about one or two weeks ago, but didn't have the time, so here it is.]
for the past few weeks, my best memories have been created in bugis. thank you bugis for existing. ♥ i love you dear. bugis is a place full of my childhood memories (: and i'm glad that there are now more happy memories to add to this beautiful place.

just heard some girl who's somewhere between 12 - 14 years old say 'fuck' veryveryvery naturally. who's to say that i'm vulgar, huh? (:

i'm always going hot and cold so easily, there's hardly anything that interests me long enough. but i suppose that if i stay okay with something for a long time, then perhaps it means that it interests me after all? whatever it is, i'm glad that i haven't gone cold with bgirling yet, and i hope i don't ever. there are only so few things that can hold my attention - music, books, nature, and a few other stuffs - so it's important that they stay there and continue interest me.

i think the largest problem i have with bgirling is listening to the music and hitting it ): rawr. i can't seem to hit the beat. i can't even seem to hear the music ): how ah.

being in the water is the only place that gives me the feeling of freedom, of being able to fly. it's the only place where i feel like i can do anything in the world. i miss swimming ):
shall go swimming soon! holidays faster come! (:


which also reminds me that i need to go buy the camera soon! also waiting for holidays to come before i can buy. and video connector software thing for my dad. rawr need to go sim lim square to buy and RAWR i can't find anyone to go with me ): howww.

i also need nice violin scores to play. rawr. shall ask crystal (:


okay HUNGRY now ): off to find food and then nano (: yaye.

new day! off to do get my 7500 words today :D hopefully. macs breakfast for lunch. yum (: heh. and seriously people have got to stop pissing me off it's irritating and spoils my day. rawr. i want to kill all of you manz. go away i don't want to talk to you.



can i pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? i could really use a wish right now...

3 more days! jiayou guys. ahhh i miss leon ): i hope he's studying hard! :/ maybe i can go meet him after his a's... but what's the point right... hmm. sighhh JIAYOU. shall sms him on monday before a's start (: and hehe next year he going army already waow haha i can't imagine him botak manz! haha (:

which makes me realise that i actually miss a lot of people! like kenneth kor ): wahhh i miss all my kors luh ): leon is like my kor too! (: but yeah... hope i can meet kenneth kor soon too! (: must see all these people soon ): i miss them!

and whoa talking about leon, i realise that i miss gina too! and gail, though i'm not as close to her i think... ahhh haha aiya i miss all of them lah ): and i dreamt of yizhen today! but she appeared as a cute little kid o.o haha. yeah. random.



bored. practising for op is killing my throat, i swear. after every practice i need to rest and drink water before i practise again ): ouch. need to hurry memorise! ): it's still not in my head yet! ): rawr.

okay back to memorising my script and nanoing :D yaye nano!



wanjane: hahaha i dunno means like piss my friend off? haha yeshyesh i'm writing! :D hee. haha really ah! okay next time if i don't have laptop or something then i use your phone to write :D

): a lot of people are starting to piss me off. fuck lah. just go burn and die i don't want to see or talk to any of you. why do people suck so much ): and why am i such an ass. ugh ): i need to stop being pissed at people. and i know that's not going to happen any time soon. freak.



finished i&r but i think i did it a little too hurriedly. don't know, but i know i don't want to see it or edit it again, so i don't really care anymore. and op script also done already. now just need to memorise, and read wr again i suppose. other than that, there's nothing much else to be done. now i'm just waiting for op to be over and holidays to come, so that i can start doing stuffs.

two more days of being stuck at home with my mum. ouch. today was bad enough ): and i want to go for write-ins ): and how am i going to tell her about tomorrow? crap.

whee new tshirts have been washed (: can wear liao.

3656 words now yaye :D will reach at least 4k by today (: and then hopefully 7 or 8k by tmr, and 10 or 11k by sunday. should be enough to catch up reasonably after that.

back to nanoing.

felt good after chinese a's, but ugh pw is just ): i&r is crappy-ish. op is fun but it's a total waste of time doing almost nothing in school for the entire day ): i am not a happy kid.

i guess i'm mainly just pissed because i haven't been able to nano ): it's very very annoying. i want to nano sooo badly but i can't with people around, especially people like my classmates. i want to go for the write-in on saturday and sunday to spam nano but i don't think it works that way ): what if i can't finish nano this year ): UGH. i want to finish it, just this once. not happy at all.

tuesday and wednesday have been ultimate time-wasters. ohyah felix came on tuesday again yaye :D heh. then uhmm. yeah lor. we just remain in class and stone and do our own things, and just like UGH. and i was damn pissed at someone but i didn't say it out loud because that's evil :/ i don't know. i just want to have some time alone and nano, okay? this sucks. especially boredom. almost died of boredom yesterday. it's not even close to tears - it's already crying lah. annoyed and pissed. ):

being pissed at someone isn't very fun either. i predict that one day i will be so pissed at someone that i will tell the person to fuck off or something. not like i haven't done it yet... just that...

i think it's weird how regina thinks i'm okay with everyone. well, technically yeah i AM okay with everyone. i don't exactly hate anyone - except family, maybe. it's just that i find people annoying and irritating sometimes. it's just that, even though i can be very pissed at them for being so annoying, i'm not blinded by it such that i don't see the good side of them, i suppose. everyone has a good side after all. failing to see it is like rejecting the person of a chance to prove their worth. we shouldn't do that. but then again, life's not about the things we should and shouldn't do... it's about the things we do.



i just want to nano till the end of time and never stop, get stuck in that dream of mine which will become reality for me. i just want to get out of this world. i just want to have this world in which i'm a total stranger, a world in which no one cares, where no one acknowledges my presence. a world in which i'm just a ghost floating by and observing the goings. i just want to shut out all of this noise, close my eyes and run away. i'm a coward. but it's not like i didn't know that before.



and some ass just totally kaobei-ed my friend. seriously, fuck off. you don't even deserve to be where you are.



life has been screwing up like crap lately. i just want the holidays to come soon, so that i can stop thinking about everything, and stop going crazy about everything. ): i just want to get away from all this noise and find myself again. i have this feeling that the longer i neglect my previous self and not try to find it, the further it will go, the more invisible it will be. until one day when i won't be able to find myself again. i don't want that to happen.