it's just things like this that make me so... out of my calmness that i cannot continue doing what i'm supposed to do. right now i'm so pissed and upset and angry and irritated and depressed that i just can't bring myself to just go to sleep and end the day like this. which explains why i need somewhere to vent my pent up emotions and frustrations, before i end the day. it's just these stupid little things like this, that make me lose all sense of control and balance. and i hate it. hate it so much i wish i could be stronger, and smarter, and not fall for stupid tricks like this. but what can i do? it still affects me so much so that i cannot seem to continue on with life without dumping all this anger into a hole somewhere.

my mum altered my guitar shirt that day. and tbh i was really unhappy, but i didn't get the full impact of it until today. like. fuck. seriously. it's just gone. altered. and it can't fucking be changed back to the way it was. which is just ONE of the things that i'm angry about. i'm also extremely pissed by the fact that she actually went to ALTER it after i cut out the string that she sewed. i already told her not to that day. but she still went ahead. i mean like, what the fuck. can't i even choose the type of clothes that i wear? must you bother to this extent? it just sucks and i really really hate it. my dad would never do this kind of thing. never. he wouldn't mind what i wear, as long as it has style. the difference between the both of them that is so huge. and that i hate my mum for, and love my dad for. they say parents shouldn't have a favourite child. are children not supposed to have a favourite parent, then? i don't know. but i know it's not possible for me to do. not that my dad is my favourite, but i know that at least, if i had only one parent, i would take my dad any day. sounds selfish and evil, doesn't it? i think so too. but it's honestly what i feel, and for this kind of things, honesty seems better than trying to be nice and good. it just doesn't work that way, and i just don't work with my mum. i told my friend that day that i don't hate my mum. now that i think of it, that doesn't seem true. i hate her so much and so badly. hate her so much for everything she's done, for spoiling me as a child, yet for not letting me have any freedom. i just really hate her for everything. so much that even a little thing like this [because it might be little to you, but it means so, so much to me.] will get me so worked up and i can't fucking sleep. and make me unable to stop my tears from flowing. and yet i know it's not right. not right to hate her, because she's my mum. which makes me not know what to feel! i mean like, if i told my friends, they'll just tell me that it can't be that bad, and never believe me. i know they won't. and even if they do, they'll never really understand it. because they love their parents. i mean like, wow. i don't know why, but almost everywhere i go, kids all seem to love their parents and appreciate them. why? and then, why don't i? i don't know either. everyone around me seems to be so obedient. good obedient kids. and what am i? just like my brother, aren't i? but how can we not be like this, when we get so frustrated everyday just because of one person? i want to move out. no one understands, but i need to. need to move out and get away from all of this. the only thing is, i haven't got anywhere to go...

fuck i need to stop crying soon, otherwise my eyes will be all red and swollen when i wake up for school tomorrow. plus there's a our class + senior class reunion dinner tomorrow. like fuck. sometimes i wish my family would stop making me cry. it's all they ever seem to be able to do, y'know.



anyway, i need to go to sleep soon otherwise i'm not going to be able to stay awake in school tomorrow. i think i need to get back to music soon. it's days like these when i have nowhere to release my emotions, that really bother me. not like i would be able to play music even if i could, because my MUM wouldn't have let me play music in the middle of the night and would order me to sleep instead. but still, it's a source of comfort. i don't even know why i keep putting it off. i need it. rather badly too.

chinese new year soon, isn't it? resolutions for the new year.
- study more
- sleep well [more at home, less in school.]
- control emotions better
- cry less

sometimes i wish our dreams could come true. because what i dream at night seems happier than reality. i need to smile more, but i don't seem to be able to do it. there's hardly anything in life worth smiling for any longer. and it pains me to know that. where's the joy in life? or has it been covered by these tiny problems such as family and academics? no. i won't let it. family and academics are nothing to me. i have more important goals to work towards, and i can't let them go. keep moving forward. and end the night with calm and serenity, clearing your mind of all insignificant details. do not let anything disturb your inner peace, and know your purpose, your goal, and your existence in this world. that's what i have to do. and that's what i will do, for tonight and any other troubled night that i may face in the coming, not year, but life.

there's... honestly a lot that i want to talk about. but it's not just difficult to remember, it's also difficult to phrase. emotions running through which i can't seem to pen down. there's no language for the heart, i realised. no way to share what you feel.

anyway, a lot of thing's been going on. well, not exactly a lot, but it does feel like more than usual. i suppose it's because i suddenly feel as if i have a lot of things to do. and i DO plan to do them. yes, i'm talking about acads mostly, though still feeling extremely regretful and remorseful about other loves, such as music. i don't know where to put myself, honestly. where do i stand in all these things? where do i stand in the world? still trying, as usual, to find meaning to life. to my life, in particular. and it's so difficult. one moment you're motivated and inspired, then next you've sank back down into hopelessness and depression. because human emotions work this way, and because we cannot seem to control our emotions, thus we do not seem to have control over our own lives. is that true? i don't know. for me, perhaps. and i work so much on emotions, and my strength comes from my emotions. so perhaps, [and perhaps this is a way of motivating myself as well.] if i keep my heart high and soaring, i would be able to get through this year, pretty much unscathed. but does it work that way? every day [or almost every day] i tell myself to do certain things. and yet i never seem to be able to achieve them. when i hear about something, [like maybe talk about a friend or an important issue] my heart wavers, and my mind loses focus. how do i stop these changing emotions? it's not something that can be taught, i think. rather, we have to experience it for ourselves, and decide, on our own, whether we want to control it. and then, even after that, we have to teach ourselves, and learn from ourselves, exactly how to take control. it's a tedious process. one that is often backed by few people, none even. why don't they teach these kind of things in school? how useful these would be.

as i try to better myself, i tell myself that i'm improving. but am i? am i really improving? improving in what, exactly? am i improving in acads? or am i improving in putting away my feelings? is it really improving? or is it actually a form of deprovement?



in the meantime, other things first. chinese new year is coming. 4 days of mugging and slacking. i do look forward to mugging.

tired.

SIGH.

have been very slack ever since the weekends! i blame it on dvd addiction. i need to stop getting addicted ): but it's really very nice to watch! damn. anyway, popular finally has stock for the mini oxford dictionary! :D :D :D so my mum helped me to buy. yaye :D can start on gp wordbank already :D hehehe i ish happy. i've been wanting the dictionary since very long ago! anyway, i plan to work hard for gp this year :D it feels nice to be motivated, though it doesn't happen all the time. but yep, new stuff makes me happy :D also plan to study hard and everything else for this year bah. why am i like putting down my resolutions again now? haha. oh well. i suppose i need to constantly remind myself of my goals, so as not to deviate away from them. which is so easy to do. sigh.

anyway, lol keep seeing tingwei on the bus nowadays! like seriously. haha damn weird but okay la. can talk to someone also quite good la. if not every time take the bus alone will be damn sian de. have been going home early these few days too! wow. haha following in regina's footsteps gets me home rather early. earlier than usual anyway. i need to stop wasting time in school doing nothing! zzz. and lol spent like half an hour talking to crystal and ken downstairs my block just now. we should do that more often (: yup. cny is coming! i can't wait. 4 days of sleeping in and mugging and playing and more mugging. yaye. and hopefully going to meet friends on saturday 3rd day :D cny is awesome cos its just stay at home and have fuchun gathering :D what awesome things to do. happyish.

on the not-so-bright side, seniors are going into ns soon! and since we're closer to the guys in our senior class... yeah. explains. sian after that won't be able to play bball with them and talk to them and laugh at them liao. life will be boring! D: saddened. honestly, i think i'll be quite sian lo. i mean, even when they're not in school, we always talk about them! i don't think they'll leave our lives that easily, but still. ns is... ugh. i dunno. yup then juniors coming in soon! not THAT excited, but i suppose i'm rather looking forward to it too. i mean, i still do get a certain feeling of familiarity when i see a j1 in stnicks uniform (: so yeah. even though i don't like stnicks that much, but it won't change the fact that i used to be a student there. it's just that kind of bond that you can't erase.

大长今 is addictive. damn.

school nowadays feel quite good. calm and relaxed, but i sleep less and listen more and am more attentive and do my homework [all those that need to be done, anyway.] so everything looks like it's gonna be... well, not exactly alright, but at least maintainable. if i keep at this, and do my work consistently, i don't see why not. i can do it. i just need to act and not just dream.

and tomorrow is out last day at our original class bench. really really REALLY sad ): i don't know why they're doing this to us, but i really hate the school for this, and i can't hate it more. it has never done anything this disgusting, this terrible, this heartwrenching before. in fact, i'm so angry and so, so sad. just in a whirl of mixed emotions. and i feel like killing them. i really do. i hate them. for now, at least, i really, really hate them. i said before, that i only hate one person in this world. but they're making me hate them. my anger for the people who did this to us, it will never cease. the heart is the most miraculous yet most dangerous thing in this world. i assure you it is.

ohyeah quite happy for wanjane who got offered a place in ucl :D haha damn cool manz. (: makes me think about the future... like honestly, will i be able to do that next time? i know it's hardly ever possible. i keep dreaming of all these, even though i know that i can't possibly make it into such good universities. what's up with me? i don't know. i honestly don't even know what course i want to take in uni. gosh. it's like. i don't know what i want to do, like some lost sheep. makes me feel quite :/ actually, cos you don't know what you want. but. i'll have to find a way around it, i suppose. i just know that i want to do well, and do myself proud, and not let myself down. if this was the last time that i could work hard to achieve something, then i need to work hard and harder than i've ever done before. i can dream all i want, but they won't come true because i'm not doing anything to get to these targets. sigh.

WORK HARDER JANE.



tired.
and again. is it wrong to like more than one person at a time?
time is flying past and i can't seem to hold on to it. should i?
i don't know what to think, and i don't know what to do.

saddened. class bench issue is just depressing ):

school is nothing without our ct bench. NOTHING. they just don't get it. it's not the bench or the location or anything like that. it's the feeling of familiarity and home that matters. WHY don't they get it? ): why...



haven't done any hbl yet. spent the whole day watching 大长今 xD haha okay shall go do work now crappp. bio hbl looks depressing. kk need to hurry do work and not fall asleep like last night. seeya.

wow. okay. have been doing work this week! yay me. my plan to be guai is working well so far (: it feels nice doing work and being guai, tbh. if i could stay this way all the time... i would be a happier person. not having to stress about undone homework, being able to spend my one-hour breaks fruitfully by doing absolutely nothing, and always being happy and free or somewhat like that because i never have to worry about homework. i shall try to work towards that for this year, then.

i also plan to sleep earlier. apparently if you sleep late you will not be as smart ): actually yeah, i knew that long ago. like since primary school my dad always told me to sleep early because it affects my mind. why didn't i listen? true enough, i feel as if i can't learn things as fast nowadays. i keep wondering what happened to me, but i suppose it's because i never thought of the possibility that i have actually become less smart because of my sleeping time. now that i've thought of it, it really seems quite likely. i didn't use to have so much trouble learning things in secondary school. it was because i slept earlier than this. i had enough sleep. i need to have enough rest and sleep so that i can work better. i'll work it out, a way to sleep earlier, so that i can do better. self-improvement, huh. i will. i need to, anyway.

and my digestive system has been really uncooperative this week ): i don't know why but it refuses to digest stuff ): gah. happened before, last time. it doesn't happen often, but occasionally it does and it annoys me. makes me not hungry and stuff. good in a way, because i eat less and stop eating junk, only sticking to proper meals, but still.. i can hardly digest my proper meals either! hope it gets better soon.

my throat is still not good ): [there seems to be so many things to be sad about. hm.] i was having flu plus slightly sore throat last week. now it has progressed to sore throat. boo ): i want to eat my pineapple tarts and everything. shall try to recover faster :/



i want my ct bench ): the school wants to shift our benches. it might look like minor adjustments to them, but our benches are like our homes. shifting our homes, even if just a couple of metres away, means more to us than they can ever imagine. like what regina said, it's something that should not be taken away from us. furthermore, our benches have a history. when i was talking to teri that day, she was talking about how other schools don't even know their senior classes. and why is it that we do? because of our benches, isn't it? and how would our seniors feel if they knew that this age-old arrangement of benches was going to change? there's a certain sense of familiarity in knowing that a person, though perhaps 20 years older than you, is from the same class as you. there's a certain spark of history there. and it matters where our bench is, because our bench is the backbone of our class history. how else would we know our seniors and juniors and be able to talk to them so often? the spot that our bench stands on, that's our territory. our land. even the j1 juniors who haven't been sorted into classes do not dare to sit on our benches. our benches aren't just benches to us. to hwachong students, these benches are our homes. and asking us to move is like asking singapore to move over to another country, korea perhaps. it's not just wrong. it's equivalent to smashing down a museum. i know that the feeling will never be the same without our ct bench.

hope we can get our bench back. people should protest more. and seniors and alumni should all come back to protest too. ): saddened.



hehe i think school is getting more interesting. i mean, that day i read the lit critical essay 'the soul of man under socialism' by oscar wilde and i really enjoyed it. and just now i watched some ted video for gp hbl. 'do schools kill creativity?' by ken robinson and it was really good too. ted videos are always awesome. i watched a couple before and i really liked them (: getting more motivation to study because all these are interesting things. yaye (: somehow gp no longer seems so boring. as for lit, it's more like because i'm paying more attention nowadays that i can understand and thus see that it's interesting, though all the while i've assumed that it was. i've actually found a new way to know about the news. newspapers and news on tv never worked out for me, but ever since i heard about the bbc world service on the radio, i've been listening to it almost everyday since and i'm really glad i did (: it might not cover everything, basically just the more major news, but i think that's cool and fine with me.

after all this, studying suddenly doesn't seem so intimidating anymore. (:



although home-based learning IS annoying. gah. math can only be done on monday, and i can't find chem! gp and lit are okay, but bio is depressing as usual. sigh. yup that's about all i think. okaye i will now be off to do some hbl i don't want to spend too much time doing during the weekends i still have other things to do okay! (:





not enough time left. what should i do?

PHEW.

yesterday night my dad came home and made a deal with me that required me to do stuff today! very last minute. he wanted to get a deal with his friend so he asked me to go over and take photos of the stuffs - birds and fishes, and also to listen and learn lor. [it was like past 12am when he told me! i was like, huh tmr? cos i was planning to finish i&i mah.] then he told me to quote him a price the next day when i woke up for how much he should pay me for it. so yeah lor. so did some research, and then decided around 60-70 bucks for 2 hours. then today morning i decided 60 bucks lor and my dad said it was reasonable. [phew. an achievement manz! like yay he approved (: i scared very far away from the actual price mah :/ yeah.] so in the afternoon i brought the camera along and we rode his bike to his friend's house, where there were a lot of birds and fishes. then took photos and my dad talked to his friend lor. they didn't talk in english or chinese so i could understand very little and my dad would translate for me. there were arowanas and shamas and this bird which my dad called jumbo but i doubt that's it's real name cos i can't find it on the internet. tsk. oh well. yay i think the birds are prettaye (: and omg the shamas can really sing (: it was lovely hearing them. yup. then after that they talked among themselves a bit so i just sat around and LOL read i&i. and then after that we left. my dad actually wanted to visit another friend, but then he was busy so we went to petrol kiosk to get oil for his bike, then stopped somewhere for him to put the oil, and then went homeee (: heh. and yay he bought pineapple tarts from the petrol kiosk too :D yum.

came home and ate stuff [i'm still hungry! waiting for dinner. my parents went out.] and then after i ate some coffee sponge cake thingy, i sort of got up to wash the dishes and gave this huge sigh. then my mum was like 'you sigh for what? you earned money today!' LOL. damn funny la. haha. oh well, that's true (: yay happy. even though i don't think i deserved 60 bucks tbh cos i didn't do much plus i was using the semipro camera, and not dslr, but oh well. like that lor. if there's a next time i'll try to do better (: yep.

that's all for today, now i need to chiong finish i&i before tomorrow! scared sia.

i really have to work harder. full stop.

still sick! ): getting better already i think. but still, it sucks to be sick. i just feel freaking cui all over and it puts me in a bad mood. suppose it shows that health is really important? oh well.

first week of school is over.



so many things to say, yet i can't put them in words.
i just don't want to let go.

如果会不舍得，那该怎么样呢?
能怎么样?

是不是该学习怎么放手?
还是该鼓起勇气说出口?

怎么...好像两个我都做不到?

好难过, 可是我到底在难过什么呢?



have been doing homework in the afternoon. the articles we got for lit are really tedious to read! but i extremely enjoyed reading 'the soul of man under socialism' by oscar wilde (: the ideal world, huh. shall let my dad have a look at it too (: maybe even my brother. hmm. it was a really good read and i really liked the article. the one about aestheticism by allison pease was harder to read though :/ tedious [or was it just because i was tired?] but informative. shall do i&i later and more work. i must really start working harder.

hahaha pe now has swim test! i went to read the thing. lol swim in pe attire, then tread water, then swim again. hahaha. reminds me of the swimming tests i took last time. i can't even remember if i got gold? haha.

and zomg haha now even hwachong has an it roadshow. lol. that's cool.

oh no spent too much time on facebook. ohyah i just read felix's note on fb. he put a link to the news where they said he was being charged for punching someone, but his note was like an apology yet he was still teaching because he told the younger bboys not to follow in his footsteps and he claimed responsibility for what he did, so it was really inspiring. respect. i don't know him that well, but all the times i've talked to him, he's always been like a teacher and father-figure to me [and i'm sure a lot of other people]. quite hard to believe the news because i don't think i could imagine him using violence. i mean, even the english he talks is like polished ._. haha so yeah, like the general impression i get of him is someone to look up to and respect. but whatever it is, felix is just really cool lor. yeah. hope everything turns out well bah (:

k either back to work or to sleep.

i have finally truly realised that, my stubbornness and arrogance might become the cause of my downfall. perhaps what you said was right. i am a stubborn and arrogant person, who thinks that i myself know everything. perhaps.

it's just difficult to accept help from others. i only ask for help from people i'm close to. and i only accept help willingly from people who i have utmost respect for. thus, people who i can ask for help and accept it willingly, there are only a handful.

am i really that flawed?



school work is already getting crazy. sigh. i don't know what i'm going to do about all this. i told myself i will work harder. but what's the use if i can't act on my words?



sick already la. i think being sick puts me in a foul mood. was damn sian during openhouse today. did booth duty then just zao-ed after that. didn't feel very well and my nose was damn runny, just kept sniffing. it was damn annoying. walked around doing nothing much actually. like just talk to crystal and stay at class bench mostly. then in the afternoon when i went back to class bench, bryan esther and zixin were there. then suat came and asked for bball and then after that we all went down to play. was freaking hot in there can. i think i almost got heatstroke or something. and damn thirsty after that. then when we all tired already, went back to class bench to start doing work. hahaha then somehow a lot of seniors were there [zichao zixin yubin francis and some senior whose name i don't know.] and me and suat, and later on zhiwei and bryan came also. so we just talked a lot and watched zichao tuition suat. hahaha. yep. funny ttm la. in the end after the tuition thing was done, it was around 6pm and we were all planning to go home, but then zichao wanted to play bball then me and suat were like, shoot hoops only then okay lor, and bryan was like he needed to go at 6.30pm, but in the end we stayed until around 7.15pm :O waow. yeah then went homeee. ohyah errr got quite pissed with engway actually cos i already not good mood then when i went to wash my hands at the sink he splashed water on me. seriously i don't even know why i didn't immediately start swearing. must be a new record. or maybe because i was already too tired to shout. but i was freaking pissed. then later on like sort of gave him some look before me and suat walked to the bus stop [all the guys bus stop across the bridge], then felt very bad so i smsed him to say sorry. seriously dunno what got into me la. must really be in a bad mood lor. like wtheck since when do i get so pissed so easily? dunno. sigh. oh wells. but all in all today was fun la (: haha talking to seniors really quite fun (:



a bigger issue right now, to me at least, is that i can't seem to get something out of my mind! freakkk. i don't want to let go, yet i know that it will slip away from me if i don't hold on. but you'll just laugh at me... or at least that's what i think. what right do i have? who am i to deserve this? it must be a joke. and i think it will be  a joke to you. i don't know. but i can't get it out of my mind, so what am i supposed to do? i'm nothing, a nobody. i can't compare to such brilliance. and yet... why do i hope? hope for things that seem nearly impossible. i know i'll just end up feeling disappointed, but still, i hope. why? for what? it makes me sad thinking about this. sad... yet i still feel happy. for now, at least. i need to talk to someone about this soon. i really really do. i just don't know who. who will understand? who do i trust? and what will happen in the end? i never thought of it this way... i never thought i'd have to be the one. but i don't want to let go.



edit: and omg! i realised that today is exactly the 4th month since! just a coincidence? or fate?

i miss you ):


today was okay except that i actually managed to fall asleep on the 2nd day of school! ): and some more it's not only once, i fell asleep in 2 lessons! zzz. chem lecture and lit lecture. luckily i didn't miss much for chem. like missed 2 pages only, slept for 10mins. more worried for lit :/ ugh i'm really trying very hard already! i really don't know where the problem is. am i really not getting enough sleep? but i slept this much last time and i didn't fall asleep whut... i don't know. the earliest i can sleep on a normal school day is about 12, unless i crash before that. i promised myself that this year would be different, but is there any change, really? it's a bad start. i will try harder. i'm really trying hard already! ):

today was an okay day. haha weiqi joined us for pe, math tutorial and chem lecture. quite funny really. but it's cool la. haha. at least something to laugh and talk about. otherwise i think i'll be rather dead. school seems so bleak nowadays. sigh. and it's just been 2 days! haiz. went to gym after school today. omg freaking tired after that. walked back to college side and planned to do homework, but i was very tired plus almost no one at bench plus it started raining so i decided to go home before the rain got heavier. my new aim is to keep my shoes dry for as long as possible. which means no walking in the rain.

went straight home today. wow. bus ride i slept through all the way and it felt damn good. felt like i had been sleeping for 2 or 3 hours straight. even though it was less than an hour. yep. and then too tired to go cwp to get my shoes, even. will get another day. not too urgent i suppose. plus quite expensive, so :/ sigh.

today's my dad's birthday :D hehe. i wished him happy birthday. and hahaha the retarded things he does. oh well. and i got flu from him la! sian. tskkk. wanted to buy cake for my mum's birthday actually, but she don't want and i scared she scold, so i didn't. then i ask if i should get for my dad's birthday, and she say he won't want. how would she know! maybe he wants a cake? ): dunno la. so this year i didn't get them any presents i suppose. my dad is getting old liao! hms. next is my brother's birthday liao. sian i don't feel like giving him his present already leh. and since i have present already, still go and buy cake for him a bit too much right. hmm. maybe end of january or something then i go buy cake for fun and everyone can eat? hahahaha. dunno. i want to eat cake :D hehe.

okay sian almost 10.30 already. haha have been watching my dvd ever since i got home today. shall do some work now then continue watching later (: heh. open house tomorrow! wah sian. phewww okay must 打起精神. and sleep early today if possible. yup (: tmr can do homework also :D hehehe.

first day of school! okay la. hahahaha the seniors came back, quite interesting :D then weiqi crashed our math lecture test lolol. smart people lor. finish in like 20mins apparently -.- sian. anyway the test was okay la. tbh i think it was rather easy, except that i didn't study very well so yeah. but can pass so (: okay lor. will work harder next time.

lessons were okay. new civics tutor but haha she's our math tutor so it's k. all our other teachers all the same i think, except for gp. not sure who yet. managed to stay awake for lessons and be attentive. will try to continue this throughout the year. come on jane you can do it. just like how you got through sec4 year. it's possible.

oh but my resolution to work harder and stop playing so much is proving rather difficult to follow when the seniors ask if want to go play bball -.- sian. i really want to play but i forgot about this little snag and now i don't know whether i should decide to play throughout the year or not play so much. hm. i suppose in the end i will end up playing, but i'm really scared it'll affect my studies. after all i'm not as smart as all those seniors. i swear, smart people really get on my nerves sometimes! ): and growing up with such a brother, it's easy to hate these kind of people sometimes too.... but i'd still say it's different. different attitudes and characters, so in the end i'm still glad. okay talking crap here liao.

uhm. ohyah. i want to take back some parts of my 7th jan post. (: (: (:

and then uhh just finished pnc tutorial omg the first question i was stuck for freaking long should have just skipped. the rest okay, i realised that only a select few that i can't do. still okay la, just ask during tutorial lor. and zomg haven't done chem homework! freak mans. sighhh. kk off to print it and hopefully do a bit? shucks. i don't think i can remember anything for chem liao. other than that... nothing already. i want to watch my dvd! hurrr ): school is rather annoying. maybe i should transfer to my ipod or something. hm. but the file will be damnnn big. dunno. see how bah. i want to watch! rawr.

anyway, seeing classmates again wasn't very exciting, somehow. it was good seeing some people again though. but other than that... i don't know. no feelings lor. just neutral. okay. i need to change my stay in school and do nothing or stone or talk to friends only attitude. must start being productive!

kk need to print chem homework liao!



happy. (:
i missed you.

school tomorrow.
already!

sian max. i want to continue watching 大长今 but need to finish lit hw if not will kena killed for sure. math... i dunno. freakkk. why am i still so behind after the holidays? kk maybe i'll try finishing lit at ultra fast speed then watch some show before sleeping. kk chionggg. byebye i will update again about school (:

on a side note, 大长今 is niceee :D haha. like my 3rd time watching i think. at disc 16 now. xD hahaa which means i've watched 15 hours of the show alr waow.

kk homework. chiong arh! byeee.

school's starting :/



went for the after school cypher jam at recognize today :D heh. tbh, i was too scared to even go in at first. the only thing that made me go in was cos i tried walking past to have a look inside, heaving a sigh of relief when i walked past sonshine and he didn't notice me... until i got to the lifts and boy was looking out from the studio [the lift walls are glass] and waved at me -.- lol. shit i don't even know what i was doing la. okay tbvh i took quite long to decide whether i should go or not. on one hand, i wanted to and see what its like, get some experience, know a few more people. on the other hand, i was fucking scared. and i really mean damn fucking scared. i told myself i wasn't prepared. but then i told myself, i'd never be prepared. so i might as well just go. in the end, i decided to go, because i knew that if i didn't, i would just regret it, like how i regretted it the last time i didn't go. and if i didn't go, i would be nothing more than a coward. in fact, i think i am a coward. wtf is there to be scared about?! i don't know. honestly, i don't. i just know that i am. scared, that is. sigh. i can hardly understand myself. when i finally decided to go in the end, it was like. a decision i had made long ago, just waiting to be carried out. i was kind of proud of myself at that point in time. it would have been so easy just to come up with an excuse and not go. too easy. but for what? what would i gain from doing that? i wasn't prepared, and i doubt i'll ever be. but at the least, i had enough courage to go. and even though i was almost thinking of walking away at the last minute, i still went in. [haha mostly cos boy saw me ._. but i think thats what i wanted actually. something to make sure i couldn't just walk off like that. and that wave made sure of it. anw cant walk off after i already made the whole journey to recognize mah.] and i'm glad i didn't walk away. i'm glad i went. i still think i'm a fucking coward but what the heck. at least i went, right? if i didn't even go at all then i probably don't deserve to live or something. cowardly shit.


when i first got there i saw siquan andre and chuankim. lol but like they left after i got there. then uhh sat outside a while just watching lor. freak. again, too scared to go in. talked to felix a while and then just sat there watching lor. after like i don't know how long, [5mins? 10mins? 15mins?] i finally went in and sat down and watched. still damn scared. anw, it was rather like a session. then i sort of stretched and stuff. was going to start training when some guy said rather loudly while pointing at me and looking at his friend, 'she can break ah?' i was like -_____-" hahaha seriously i mean if i couldn't then what was the point of coming right. anw prac-ed a bit and then stoned again cos it was so weird breaking there with ppl who i didn't know but they practically all knew each other. sianz. then numero uno came and gave a talk. haha really inspiring sia. after that, they started really cyphering. was on the verge of joining when he came back in and stopped them and pointed to everyone on in the room one by one and asked us to leave our stuff there and follow him. he brought us to ya kun kaya toast, a few stores & lifts down, and treated all of us to kaya toast with half-boiled eggs and ice milo. wow. seriously. thanks loads. cos he got this new job or something and he said something about giving back. and then we [i dunno, the people at my table, anyway.] talked. err ok i didn't talk a lot but yeah. it was nice meeting new people (: uhm. i wouldn't say they were exceptionally friendly, but they said hi and intro-ed and everything, so i guess they're alright. talked a lot while waiting for food & while eating. it was interesting hearing all the bboy stuffs (: & everything was really awesome, super huge thanks to numero uno. he's really quite inspiring i think. yeah. after all the food i was rather full ._. and then we went back and continued breaking. haha quite lax at first cos of the food yeah. after that some guy called jonah [and i later found out he's from fsm] sort of talked to me a bit lor. like ask if i ever went to esplanade to break [tbh i want to go but duh too scared.] and stuff. and then i trained a bit later. and then there was a real cypher. and fuck felt like killing myself because again, duh, too scared to go. like wth. in the end i did cypher. and i was the last one before they cut the music and prepared for battle. have to thank jonah and firdaus. like cos jonah asked me to go cypher and i didn't -.- [not once, but twice or thrice. quite paiseh la. like wanted to go but no guts lor. sian.] well tbh i said later, and i was preparing to go later, but yeahh.. my later was very long later lor. and then after that he left halfway through the cypher. and firdaus was standing next to me and he asked me to go. for such a little kid, he's a good inspiring kid. when he told me to go, i was still kinda scared, so then some rf guy [sorry dunno whats his name] went first. and then firdaus told me to just go. almost like telling me that it's ok. seriously, one inspiring little kid. thanks kiddo. so like after that i just went lor. and really glad for that because if i didn't, i wouldn't even have cyphered once throughout the whole cypher jam, which is just stupid. sigh. honestly, inspiring people ftw. thanks guys. after that was the battles, and then i prac-ed a bit more before going home.

so after all this... i'd say today was cool. in the end i realised that i'm still a coward, but i'll tell myself that i can work on that. it doesn't matter if i'm wack right now, cos if i start making an effort, then i won't be. but in order to make an effort, i need to get some courage to start doing things, and that's what's important. who cares if i can break damn well, if i can't break well in front of people? yes, i'm still wack, but i'm willing to learn and to change. and the last words to wrap up today would be... after this, i'm inspired to continue breaking and to work harder, and now i want to go for sessions and stuff, so even though this year will be busy, i know i can put away some time for breaking, and to end off, i want to tell myself to keep breaking after a's. i will keep breaking after a's. like what the hey, i'll have a damn lot of time after that to break whut. don't want to give up.



anyway, i concluded that if i were to ever attend hogwarts, i would be put in whatever house was the opposite of gryffindor, since i have no courage at all. ZERO.

damn screwed for homework. lit & math super urgent. need to finish wss essay & mug for math by tmr. will kena killed for p1 lit if i don't hand in on monday. urgency level is as such: 1) bio. 2) lit. 3) chem. 4) math. 5) gp. as of 2010 anyway. also largely depends on our teachers for 2011. oh wells.

ahh anyway its now 9th of january, 1am. its my mum's birthday. shall go out in the morning/afternoon and uhh buy a cake? or maybe on monday. now our fridge no space, mum sure scold. [yes, she scolded me for buying a birthday cake for her before -.-] monday should be ok? tuesday is my dad's birthday but i'll have cca & come back late so not good.

kk off to do homework i'm damn screwed. need to chiong alr. byeee.



MX: HAHAHA HELLO THANKS :D I FEEL GUAI. YOU JIAYOU TOO KAYZ!

okay just pissed now ._. some people are really annoying.

actually had a lot of things to blog about, but :/ kind of distracted now ._. was watching tv just now. hmm.




feel like watching 大长今 :D

just printed out the new timetable. zomggg. it's nuts! you know i told myself i'd sleep less this year. cut down from like 5 hours a week to less than an hour. but it's so difficult with such a timetable! now we have 3 math tutorials a week, up from 2. 1 hour of pe only, down from 1.5, also meaning less time away from acads shit. 2 freaking hours of ct session! ): up from 1 a week, which means 1 more hour of time wastage. 1.5 hour of a lit tutorial, which crazayeee. hope that's paper 5. and that's not even the worst! worse is that though bio tutorial is now down to 1, from 2, we now have a 1.5 hour bio lecture and a 2 hour bio lab session! D: which still isn't the worst! can it get any worse? yes! because all these are combined on a nice friday to form a good whole day which includes the 1.5 hour bio lecture, 2 hours bio lab, and 1.5 hour lit tutorial. what a day, huh! amazed at the ways teachers can torture us. oh wells.



it's sad knowing that i'm probably not gonna see you again any time soon. and probably less than 10 more times for the rest of my life ): depressing, really. just wish we had a chance. thanks for always making me smile. you were one of those people whose mere presence could light up my day. used to spend entire afternoons waiting to catch a glimpse of you. because you were that special, because you meant that much to me. and when you told me what to do, i listened. more obedient than towards anyone else. thanks for shaking me awake when i needed it the most. thanks for taking away the pain, in your own special way. thanks for being there at the most unexpected times, even though you weren't there when i wanted to see you badly. thanks for everything you've done, because even though you don't know it, just talking to you made me happy. to be honest, you're a total ass. you're one of the bitchiest person i've ever met. and you can hurt people just by being direct. but it doesn't matter, because i know that deep inside, you're a good person, and your loyalty to your friends never waver. thanks for letting me be your friend. thanks, for stepping into my life. and goodbye. i will watch you step back out, to the very end. i will miss you so much more than you know.



just dug out my dvd player :D bit dusty, and i was damn scared it spoilt when the screen didn't show anything, but it's fine :D yaye. shall watch 大长今 later :D

preparing for start of school is kinda :/
i realised that when school ends, there doesn't seem to be a proper end to it. on the last day we go out to celebrate, but it doesn't feel like much. but when school starts, there's always the first day back that makes it seem so hard. of course, always made harder with a math test on s&s and maclaurin's. sigh. i hardly know what's s&s [didn't study much for that during promos, which probably explains my u grade.] and i have absolutely no idea what maclaurin's is. haven't read the notes, you see. and seeing that i usually copy my notes blindly... i suppose it's gonna be a minor problem in my revision for math test. bio test is on friday. harder, as all bio tests are, plus 5 topics :/ sigh. haven't started on that one. i should start studying for everything tmr. i mean today. yeah. might put i&i aside for a while. the earliest that it's due is on wednesday, since monday's lesson will be for ct session (: and at the most i can hand it in on thursday. okay... and then for lit. oh shit. okay fine i will do lit soon. lit has to be done. so. study for math test while doing math rev package [sounds good], study for bio test, and lit homework. sounds fair. i hope our new gp teacher is good but not that strict. though that combination is extremely hard to come by... and that our new bio teacher is not a killer. pleaseee very much for that. thanks.

okay off to watch dvd :D



melissa: hi melissa! (: yeah, that's true. turtles, huh. haha. thanks a lot (: (:

what the fuck.
learnt to stop putting my trust in other people.
sad yet pissed at the same time, but then i want to forgive, so i don't know what to feel anymore.



today had open house rehearsal and tbh i was training very hard. yes, a bit last minute, i know, but still. i wanted to do well. but yeah, in the end our choreo got cancelled so :/ yeah. sigh.

after that i left school around 4 plus and went homeee (: then showered and played my violin. it's been a while, dear. i missed you (: even if i wasn't playing as well, i know i could feel the music in my heart and soul. and that's what matters, isn't it? that's all that matters. they say music cures the soul. i believe in that. it cures mine, at least. even if just by a little, i know it helps me to go on.

after that i took a short walk to the dental clinic. braces consult. like whoa. actually i think i sort of decided already, but i always give myself more chances, so yeah. in the end, it's still the same result. no, i'm not going to get braces. apparently my teeth don't close/overlap properly and yeah, i'm not too keen on extracting, but at the same time, just putting braces without extraction might make it worse, so no, i doubt i'm gonna get braces. oh well. it was worth a shot. damn ex consult fees though ): sigh.

and paid for the premium already whoosh okay finally something settled. something less to worry about. phew.

ate a lot of junk today. lunch was lemon chicken at coro + milo. dinner was fish burger from macs + fries + milo. lol. shit imma get sore throat already la -.- sian. need to drink more good stuff and stop eating so much junk food and chocolate. rawr. school starting i shouldn't fall sick at this point in time.

just saw the new timetable for next year. waow. damn lot of breaks and damn long breaks, which, tbh, i like. but like whutttt. only 2 periods of pe?! freak mans ): sadded. not that i especially like pe, but it's a good way to get away from all that acads shit. and then wednesday is a damn slack day manz. actually everything quite slack now? lol. and friday omg chem tut then break, bio lecture then break. wow manz. haha the teachers spam break for us to do homework is it? probably ._. do homework and mug, i suppose. sigh. i wonder who dropped bio :/ sighhh. all the changes. and honestly, i still can't decide whether i want to see my classmates again. some of them, i suppose. no, not all. sighhh. i keep sighing so much nowadays, if i get a dollar for every sigh i'd be loaded (: hehe. oh geez okay being lame. ugh. haiz i need some personal time to think. think about everything. i don't like thinking about sad things though ):

and wth seeing applications for universities like stanford, harvard and princeton... it just makes me feel damn fucked up. freak freak freak freak freak freak freak freak freakkkk. ugh. my brother's going for princeton interview tmr. nice one. but like hell i freaking care. fuckkkkk. shit okay damn pissed now. i just want to jump off the highest building right now and feel the glory and freedom of falling in the air just before i die. that would be nice. i'm not kidding. i don't really care if i live or die any longer, i think. i've screwed up my life so badly, hardly anything matters anymore. why. why did i do this to myself? but then again, i never knew it'd be like this.



'I actually read a book by Professor Robert Winstone (wow, get me) about the brain and read a whole chapter on what happens when we find ourselves in so-called "love".
Apparently, from the minute we see somebody as an ideal mate, our brain produces loadssss of endorphins, so we learn to associate that person with the happiness that arises as a result of those endorphins. The effect gradually wears off over time (could be a couple of months, could be a couple of years), thus concluding the "lust" period of a relationship. It depends on personality compatibility and various other factors as to whether we choose to stay with that person afterwards. '

wow. interesting. if that's true, i hope this effect wears off soon. like seriously, no kidding.



anyway i realised what my blog is for again. it's for, basically, talking to no one. talking to myself. it's for talking even when i don't have anyone to talk to. talking when i don't feeling like talking to people in the world. because like, right now? i don't feel like talking to all these other people in the world and i just need some peace and quiet away from it all. that's what my blog gives me. time out. and i don't care who the heck reads it, as long as they don't come and talk to me about it. i don't like it when people talk to me about my blog, that's all.



finished half of the math revision package already (: yaye. functions inequalities vectors and binomial were my lifesavers. especially functions and inequalities, which boosted my confidence back up, after it got hit so badly by integration. whew. now left with graphing, s&s, maclaurins, p&c. and of course, integration which i'm about a quarter through.

anyway, whenever i'm having issues now, i'm just gonna turn to music. it might not be that good, but hey, it's one of the only things that can help, no matter what the situation. no training tomorrow. phew. will rest at home. really tired out after yesterday and today. a couple of days away from society. yeah, that's what i need. or with certain people, i suppose. there are some people whose mere presence makes you happy. some who make you feel calm and relaxed. but i can never talk to these people about my problems. it's just... they're not the people to talk to about problems. sigh. why are there so many different types of people. and damn it why do i have the tendency to like people who are assholes -.- freak manz.

okay. off to do other stuff. my brain is seriously not working properly. disorganised. i think i might go to sleep. wanted to do work actually, but. kind of tired. i should sleep and give myself some rest time. sigh.

my dad is so queer. he always seem to have queer ideas. but i suppose that's why he's cool. more queer ideas for me to build on, now. another project. these tiny projects always seem to go to nought. but i think, this time, i'm more determined to keep it strong and going. we can pull this off. i don't see why not. it just takes a little bit of effort and time, which i need to give. that's all. cute and interesting idea (:

anyway, i decided today that i shall just concentrate on two main areas for this year, apart from acads. music and what you see on top. other than that, i'm not going to try too hard for everything else. stuff like photography and writing and all that. they'll just remain as hobbies for now. jack of all trades, master of none, no? furthermore, this year is going to be busy, so i don't think i'd have time to squeeze in so many different activities anyway. by focusing on these two, it's much more likely that i'll see some sort of improvement or achievement at the end of it all. i need to stop being greedy. i need to stop wanting to be the best in everything. there are some sacrifices that you have to make sometimes. and sometimes you realise that you're just spoiling yourself by making the wrong decisions. as much as the right choices might hurt you, pain you, or make you sad, you have to stick with them, especially if you know that that's the choice that's gonna be good for you, that's going to see you through the rest of your journey.

personally, for me, i find it really difficult to stick to one thing. it's just me. my friend once said that i was the kind of person who gets excited about things easily, but also gets bored of them just as easily. my personality is the type that doesn't see me through a piece of work in its entirety. it calls me to break off halfway and that's why i always never seem to be able to accomplish anything. which is getting rather annoying, to be honest. so by focusing on fewer areas, i believe i'll be able to do better. there's hardly anything to lose by doing so. if it works, then i'll let you know, huh?

its going to be a whole new year, full of new things. as much as i know how badly i've already screwed up my life, and how difficult it is to make amendments, perhaps i will try. if i'm not too tired or exhausted this time round, perhaps i'll try to do better, to stop screwing up my own life. but then again, since my life doesn't comprise only of acads and school, i suppose, for the purposes of this, i'm not exactly screwing up my entire life, just a part of it. bad enough, because i know i can do better, but honestly, i'm just too tired to bother. events, programs, cip, and all that stuff. if i had the time and energy i would. but when i look at myself in the mirror nowadays, all i see is a girl who needs some sleep and rest away from the world. the truth is, i never thought life could be this tiring, this busy, this exhausting. i've always been carefree, no worries or problems, you see. now that's changing, it's hard to see the path i've once walked any longer. no more going back to a carefree life, now. everything's changed. at least, at the very least, i can tell myself that once i get off this winding path, once i've taken the last a level paper this year, i will be somewhat carefree again. worries and problems, still, yes, but fewer. and less busy, with more time for myself. i'll be looking forward to that.

sandy beaches, sunset and calm waves.
most importantly, a mind free of troubles and worries, there purely to take in the peace of the moment.

that's what i'm looking forward to.

some secrets you know are safe with certain people.

hallo (:

went to study with cryst & yh today. yaye quite fun :D and i did work. waow. that's a first. one of the firsts anyway. ate lunch with yh at macs. boo we missed macs breakfast ): she wanted to eat that too! haha. coolios. then mugged until around 5 plus when we packed up and walked over to cwp. and found that ichiban sushi's promotion only lasted until 5.30pm D: it was 6pm. so cryst said she'd go home to eat and then me & yh walked around a bit more and went to cotton on to shop xD wahahaha. bought my 2 tanktops finally :D yaye. and a pair of shorts. didn't tell my mum yet though :/ will find another day to tell. she was pissed with me today anyway -.- as usual. sighh. yupp then totally got into the studying mood when i got home and i did i&i hahahahaha ohwells. finished 2 exercises, the 2nd one being total rubbish. ohyeah and i finished my oranges overview yaye :D left with.. lol everything else. zzz. at least lit p5 is only left with housekeeping homework now (: yaye. shall hurry do. i swear the simplest questions take the longest time! -.-

okaye. this sounds like a happy post. anyway, as you can see, i changed the colour scheme :D teehee. wanted a white background at first, but ohmygawd it was so damn glaring that my eyes almost died. so i settled for this. not too bad la (: can't find some colours but i'll make do. brigher colours for a positive start to the year. hopefully? lol. white may well have moved up on my list of favourite colours, surpassing black. still not sure though ._. i like both, either way. too lazy to change the tagboard colour though. it's okay la hor. haha. lazy me.

anyway, on to the negative stuff, which i don't feel like talking much about... mainly, it's just that time's really running out i suppose. sigh. troubles and problems.

btw, i wouldn't mind getting the puma basketball shoes white with gold trimmings (: it was really pretty when i saw it at royal sporting house that day. 'i wouldn't mind' really meaning that i wouldn't mind. not planning to buy it yet, though. too expensive and i don't have the money, plus i can still use my converse shoes. it's still in working condition. ohyeah we went to see the converse shop at cwp today omg nicenice shoe colours all so prettaye (: make me happy. got one starry one that glows in the dark omg so cool :D hahaha cryst was saying later i dancenight then wear then can see my shoes whoa hahaha that'd be cool. that one was really cool, but it's not pretty enough for me to buy la. yeah. oh wells. shoes, huh. actually after fulfilling my dream of getting a cool shoe [my converse], i'm okay now la. not as hyped up about shoes already. i used to be very.

okay happy post shall end here. i need to sleep and wake up tomorrow to do homework. then have training. must work hard for bboy choreo zomg i missed thur's prac cos i was away from singapore ._. sian. hope i didn't miss too much :/ scared cannot catch up, especially since rehearsal is on wednesday :/ jiayou me. okay sleep sleep i need to start sleeping early!

phew. okay.


cruise!

29th: ate dinner at vivocity, then checked in and boarded the ship :D uber cool ship it was so hugeee. went to our room, dumped stuff, checked out the balcony. ate late dinner at the mediterranean, where they have international buffet. not a lot of food, tbh, but it was okay la. after that walked around, didn't do much. went to check out the library. used the internet to facebook :D watched some christmas event at the pool, then went to the lounge area [its called galaxy of the stars and it's like a lounge/bar/dance floor place. uber cool.] to listen to music and stuff. only went back to the room around 2am, showered, and couldn't sleep ): i could hear the ship moving when i put my ear to the pillow. ended up playing freecell on my own until i became quite tired and managed to fall asleep.

30th: woke up early to catch the sunrise. took loads of photos. ate at mediterranean again. their breakfast not too bad (: then went to walk around some more and explore the ship, taking more photos in the process. we had lunch at blue lagoon where they had asian food. i ate grilled salmon and my mum ate seafood horfun. and i ordered swensen's ice cream chocolate flavour :D damn nice and thick and it hardly melted at all! and my mum got chendol. also went swimming [the water freaking cold! ): cos the weather was cold.], jacuzzi, shopping [ahem. window shopping. haha didn't buy anything cos nothing much and nothing nice. nothing that i like lor. and their souvenirs not very nice also ._.], arcade [haha i spent 4 bucks.], library again to use the internet. oh did i mention? there was this mega slide thing where water would flow and you would slide down all the way. damn cool :D didn't try that though :/ ohyah and they had this safety drill thing for the crew and omg hahaha i watched them from the balcony. quite cool :D only bad thing was that i had the luck to turn on the toilet tap that that time, and freaking brown water came out! :O horrified. later on it was okay la, but yeah... anyway, there was some basketball event thing so i went to watch, but didn't participate lo. also went down to the captain's bridge where you could see the captain and all doing stuff. too bad the ship was docked, [we were at port klang, malaysia.] so i only saw one guy checking stuffs. then had dinner at the taverna, which is on the highest deck, deck 13 and is an open air place. ate bbq steamboat :D then after that went to the lido, which is a theatre, where we watched rasputin. omg the performance damnnn nice! (: the acrobats are siao k. there was some girl who was so flexible and everything that i think her arms were more like her legs and her legs could be used as arms. damn siao. and the guys omg lol i spotted some stuff related to bboying. damn good sense of balance and everything, all of them. damnn cool. omg totally (y) thumbs up to them. after that the show, we went to the pool again to watch the christmas party. tbh, it wasn't a very good party, i'd say. but okay la, can do lor. after that i went back to the galaxy of the stars to watch the showband perform. [they have damn lot of music stuffs. lounge band, show band, and trio. like waow. the showband is the nicest i think :D] watched until around 1am i think, until i was tired and went back to room to sleep.

31st: overslept and missed the sunrise by a good 15 minutes ): took what was left of it from the balcony. also missed the breakfast which i actually wanted to eat at the galaxy of the stars. went to play basketball first, just shoot hoops on my own lor. then had breakfast at the chinese restaurant. they have a set meal. not too bad la. then went back to pack and stuff, and went to watch the table tennis event. then after that i went back to have a good shower and everything, before we left for lunch. because of time constraint [we had to leave the rooms by 1pm] and because i wasn't very hungry, i later decided that i wouldn't join my mum for lunch at the mediterranean. instead, took the bags out of the room and was planning to go to the galaxy of the stars to watch the showband. but turns out they weren't performing, so i let myself have a vanilla chocolate coupe at the gelato ice cream and juice cafe :D damn nice. seriously. and then went back to the grand piazza, which is like this lounge area when you just enter the enclosed area of the ship after walking in from the deck oustide, and there was the reception and everything there too. waited there for my mum, while i watched the pianist play on the grand piano. nice stuff. when my mum came, i took a last photo of the interior of the ship and we left for land. and then checked out and everything, before walking over to vivocity and going homeee at last. i was so tired i fell asleep on the train even while standing up.

as for the photos, i'll be uploading some on facebook :D
and you can see nice photos at MY TUMBLR :D
hahaha tbh i had no space on my camera by the 2nd night. had to erase stuff. i think it was the videos. hd 720p videos, you see. in total i used up about 7gb of space i think. already deleted some though, so yeah.


after the cruise, i reached home and unpacked. took a shower, and opened the present i received in my post from wanyee. it was a highlighter thingy and post-its (: thanks wanyee! love you a lot. then i had dinner and went over to mx's around 8 plus. found kc there already and we watched tv. later on just stoned around and did random stuff. then i went back to try to bring my laptop over, but my mum refused and i went back empty handed. though she did say something about staying overnight, so i could stayover :D we missed the countdown though ): cos my mum said i couldn't walk over to mx's block alone [like WTF. it's the freaking next block!] so i told her i'd call someone to come and meet me downstairs. and we missed the countdown ): also because my mum held me up for so long. ugh. but yeah, sorry about that guys. and then went back up and did more random stuffs. blogged on ken's laptop. then we finally stopped using the laptops and went into mx's room to play mahjong instead. hahaha mahjong fun (: yup. then after that got bored and played cards. bridge in particular. quite fun :D and then sherilyn came over with her friends, jelyn, james and stanley, and played mahjong. we continued playing cards. taiti this time. basically we stayed up the night, and only started dozing off around 6 or 7am. from this time to around 9am, i was mostly sleeping. woke up to breakfast by mx's parents (: bread with egg and ham (: yum. then i think we did some stuff, before everyone started dozing off again. having no one to play with, i played freecell again lol. i like freecell (: then after that i dozed off too. around lunch time we all finally woke up because mx's parents were going out to eat lunch and asked us to go along. but uhm as it was kind of late already, [around 1pm. i was supposed to be home in the morning.] i thought i'd better go home. ken wanted to go home too, so in the end, we all just uhh left. yeah. a bit awkward but yeah.

true enough, when i got back, my mum was not happy. she made me go back down to buy food and newspapers for her. oh well. it was okay la. then spent the rest of the afternoon attempting to do homework but falling asleep mostly. my dad scolded me and asked me to go to bed to sleep, but feeling rebellious and stubborn, i continued half doing work half sleeping. my excuse? my mum wouldn't be happy if i went to bed to sleep. which was quite true, actually. i realise that i'm actually not allowed to sleep when i'm doing work. but as long as i have no work to do, i can sleep. wth. and i'm also not allowed to sleep right after a chalet or basically after any stayovers at somewhere else. anyway, in the evening i finally gave it up as a bad job and went to sleep in bed. woke up to an aston's dinner. eww the fish tasted like charcoal and the mashed potato had lumps of salt inside. gross max. tasted like crap. i eat aston's often enough, but this was one of the worst times. after that i spent the night doing work and watching tv.


as for today, i've had a bad day, getting scolded and nagged at by my mum constantly. i swear i won't be able to handle it when she stops working. have mostly been uploading photos and stuff, but switched to doing some work when my mum caught me on the computer and got annoyed at me and started nagging. so i'm typing this post in parts. tomorrow will be better because she'll be back at work (: yaye.




new year!

2010 was a weird year.

i guess it was sort of happy yet sad. new friends, new school, new environment. adapting to hwachong took some time. at first i was all happy, leaving behind the past. missing old stuffs like fuchun and rosyth stuffs were natural, but i started missing stuffs from secondary school. not st nicks in particular, but stuff like slacking. sec sch was so good. i slacked a damn lot but i was still okay. queer. and now everything's changed, because i can't slack no more. sad life. but also made new friends and stuffs, so i suppose, for the matter, 2010 was a normal year like any other. cried a damn lot though. i think i cried more times in 2010 than my secondary school years added up. man is it tough. not the school work, but the stress and pressure and expectations that i can't live up to. sigh. it was a long year filled with mixed emotions so difficult to explain that i can't say if it's been a good or bad year. it's just been a... new year to me. filled with unexpected things all the way. yeah.

as for 2011...

i hope 2011 will be better. yeah, a levels, but if i recall correctly, o level year wasn't that bad either. and if i go further back, psle year was absolutely fun. this year, i need to work hard, study hard, stop slacking so much, do well, do better, do myself proud. for myself, not for anyone else. i must remind myself that. i need to try harder.

there's about a week until school starts. need to finish my homework and study for tests. it's gonna be a long and tiring year ahead, i know that for a fact.

all i'm thinking about now, though, is how screwed for school i am. as i said before, studying doesn't seem to be helping. or am i not studying enough? perhaps. we'll see. i hope i don't screw up a levels. but then again, i can't hope for that, i can only use my energy to prove it.

SIGH. on the whole, 2011 looks bleak. but then again, fun stuff always happens at the most tense moments. and it's only through trial and suffering that you will be able to find true friends, that you will be able to show your sincerity to the people you love. i hope 2011 will be another eventful year, one that i will remember.

my goals for the year are simple. breaking down on the 3 main resolutions that were in my last post, to put them in more detail, my goals are:

to be a better person.
to control my emotions better.
to hold in my anger.
to calm down when i'm angry.
to not throw tantrums.
to be more understanding.
to be more friendly.
to be more outspoken towards strangers.
to smile more.
to cry less.
to laugh more.
to realise more things about myself.
to understand myself better.
to be less greedy.
to ask for less things.
to be happy with the things that i have.

to work hard to get the things i want.
to be more hardworking.
to do my work properly.
to procrastinate less.
to do myself proud.
to do well.
to continue on with whatever i'm doing.
to not stop doing something halfway.
to not give up so easily.
to keep moving forward.

to do things that i love.
to act and not just dream.
to dream more.
to be happy.
to learn to be happy more often.
to have fun.
to play hard after i work hard.
to enjoy my life.
to learn to live.
to live, and live well.
to be prepared for death by putting a hundred percent in life so that i won't regret anything.


but as much as i can hope to achieve such goals, i must also work towards them. not just to dream, but to act.

 

it's january already!
which also means that a ton of birthdays are coming up. facebook reminded me that benson's birthday is on the 7th. which also means it's my mum's birthday on the 9th and dad's on the 11th and brother's on the 19th. and yes, also duncan's birthday on the 19th. that i can remember. a ton of birthdays, huh. i got my brother's present already but not my parents :/ oh dear. one more week! :/ too little time to do anything much, honestly. i have absolutely no idea what to get for my mum. for my dad, i was thinking of an electronic device, but... they're all very expensive! ._. howww. ugh more problems ): if i follow last year... i can probably compile a couple of songs for my dad, though i have no idea what kind of songs :/ but my mum... :/ uhohz. no idea. darn. this is so hard ): as difficult as homework manz.

and since it's a new year, it also means that my mum's not working after february. or during february. or well, sometime there. at home! oh the horror! i don't know how i'm going to survive. wanted to go boarding school, but it's freaking expensive and i don't think they allow anyway. nj is so good theirs is like 60bucks per month i think! ): sadded. can i go nj boarding school? ): want to live away from home but i can't find a place :/ and i don't want somewhere too far away where i can't adapt to the new environment. ): ): ): where to live! ): need to find a solution soon. either that, or i camp outside until very late everyday. which will not be very good cos i'll face the same problem once i get home :/ UGH. WHY, OF ALL YEARS, DURING MY J2 YEAR, WHEN I HAVE A'S? fuck la.



okay. whoa. long post. it's been a while. i need some peace and quiet, some sleep, and something to clear my mind. i need a brand new clear mind, all empty for the start of the school year, ready to absorb knowledge and to work hard. ready to think hard. ready to make this year a good one. i need a clear mind, not just to get through a's, but to keep me going for another year, full of emotions, surprises, turmoil, and of everything that a year will have. i need a good mind to keep me alive, to keep me at my best. it's all in the mind.

after all, like my dad wrote on my birthday card this year [oh crap, last year, i meant.],
'the future is in your mind.'

WHEE HAPPY NEW YEAR!

2011 huh. dunno what to expect, really.

i mean like, i was crying 5 minutes before the start of the new year. wow. big surprise. NOT. my mum again, as usual. but nah, don't feel like talking about that here. so yeah.

anyway, at mx's house now :D to celebrate new year (: but well, we missed it ): damnn. but oh well, at least i can stay over here so ohyeah :D and thanks loads to ken for lending me his laptop to blog! (: seriously thanks a lot. i wanted to bring my laptop but my mum didn't allow, so yeah. oh wells.

wanted to blog about the cruise, but uhhh well i don't want to hog the laptop for too long so i'll just talk about that another time (:

for this post, well... 2011 huh.

new year resolutions? nah. not really. rather, resolutions for the rest of my life, maybe.

1) controlling my emotions better. the most important on my list of wishes, i'd say.
2) work hard for things that i want.
3) enjoy my life.

well, basically not a lot. when i think of more things, maybe i'll blog again (: yep. that's all for now (: happy new year! :D 2011 i hope its a nicer year then...