there was something i wanted to blog about but i can't remember it now. ):


anyway i conclude that my a level testimonial is going to look fucking screwed and blank. to be honest, it's depressing. in a way, i do regret. but i don't think that i would have had the time to do anything extra even if i turn back time. i just feel damn lousy. why am i so lousy?



oh i remember it now. at least i THINK it was what i wanted to blog about.
yknow when you get very very stressed. well, there's this limit of stress right? for me, when i reach this limit i panic and/or breakdown. after that, i enter an extremely calm state where i just look at all the things that are stressing me out and ask myself, are they really that important? important enough to make me so stressed? important enough to ruin a couple of days of my life? is it worth it to get stressed over such things? after i ask myself these questions, i always conclude, no. and so i stop being stressed by them, and just stop caring about them. this is exactly where i am right now. i gave up caring. after 8 may, i'm going to be a free kid, and i'll be happy. for now, i'm just gonna keep this calm state of mind and take life as it comes. seriously. no point getting stressed over everything and going crazy because i'll just end up pretty screwed up.

my schedule for the next ~10 days is crazy.

saturday - morning: bio lecture & evening: bgirl nite out.
next tuesday - chem spa
next friday - bio spa & dancenight salt run
next saturday - SAT
next sunday - fuyo

like omg FUCK.
2 spas, 1 salt run, SAT and fuyo all in one fucking week. thanks ah. my only consolation is that next monday and next next monday are holidays. thank god for some study and homework time.
well, it's a bit too late to work on much, really. except SAT which i hope i can study for, really. i mean, i sort of gave up hope of getting into us uni, but still. if there's a chance at all... i still want to put in my best effort. and spa which i will study for during the weekends. as for dance, it's kinda just go for it now. nothing much i can do already. just maybe train a bit more so that i won't screw up on the day itself, but i doubt i can push my level up much in these 10 screwed up days.

11 days to freedom from all this shit. come on jane you can do this. it's less than 2 weeks, nothing much. once it's over you can go starbucks and chill out and smile and be happy. i honestly can't wait for this to be over.



just heard from liaokai about the fac comm selections and interviews. omg screwed up much? seriously. maximum 5 per class? that's just stupid. feel really sad for him ): i hope everything works out in the end. think i'll ask weichuan about it. really really hope that it ends up well.


okay time to do work now. fuck that gp hbl and essay. not even gonna do my chem tutorial or anything else. just gp and then sat omfg i really need to study now.

did i mention that i feel this way almost all the time now? that i'm screwing up my life in every single way possible. EVERY. SINGLE. WAY. POSSIBLE. well acads mostly, but what the hell anyway.

okay. acads first. let's see. cdsss for bt1. i don't even have to say it, the problem's clear and obvious.
no results, not there yet.
think you're good enough? yeah, sure, you will be if you get thrown back into secondary school.

can it be solved? well, i'll have to say, from my point of view, no. yes, no. you heard me, i said no. no way of improving it, no way of pulling up my grades. really? well... if i do a double take, then maybe a shaky no, but still no. because honestly i do not know where the problem lies. wait. am i being honest with myself? well i certainly hope so. let's examine the matter more closely. math c. good enough? duh no. problem? besides carelessness? i didn't know how to do it. solvable? no. chem d. not good enough, too little time, and no idea why so many of my answers were wrong. solvable? again, no. no idea where my problems lie anyway. bio s. definitely not good enough considering the time i spent on it, not proportionate to the amount of study time at all. [i spent the most effort in bio among all my subjects.] where did i go wrong? again, no idea. solvable? no duh if i don't know where's my mistakes how would i know how to solve them? lit s. problem? my lit sucks. solvable? no idea how to improve my lit essays, i'm sorry. gp s. problem? my english sucks. my general knowledge sucks even more. solvable? i don't like reading news. no. do you see the problem now? the huge problem that is me?

ok. so let's get back to the first point. screwing my life? well, what other stuffs am i screwing besides acads? other stuff include the things that are gonna get me into uni. like cip. sl project. nada. zero. do i bother? not really. leadership. again, zero. bothered? no. well obviously i'm bothered by the fact that i'm such a loser, but even though it bothers me, i do absolutely nothing to get rid of this feeling. what. a. loser.

perhaps it's because of my attitude. [terrible, ain't it?] because when i learn things, i never really learn. i read the notes once, and either i know it, or i don't. if i know it, i take it for granted and then ignore it. if i don't, i don't bother knowing it because it's too tedious, and too much work a lazy person like me can't put up with. likewise, for things that are extra, i'm too lazy to be bothered. and when i think about the amount of things i'm attempting to handle already, i just try to push it to a corner and forget about it. so there. worst attitude you can find in a student. which shows how i have successfully screwed my chances of getting into uni and thus, in the process, successfully screwed my life. ah well, just let me analyse it like this for now, alright? so gosh how am i gonna survive? which is why i am NOT going to survive. hwachong? jc?? uni??? gosh are you serious? uni?? tell me you're kidding. be like this and you can go work at mcdonalds' very soon.

which comes to my next point. what do i want to do in life? that's easy. i only need 2 things in my life. music, and thrill. music from playing musical instruments and trying to put together my own music. thrill from riding motorbikes preferably at high speed. what can i do with life with such interests? good question. musician? nah, i'm not that good. biker? is that a profession? no idea. don't really care. i just like riding bikes for the fun and excitement and sense of peace and calm. well, then, is there anything else i want to do? course. loads. write, for example. collect stuff. maybe start a business. not crucial, perhaps, but activities driven by interest.

i'm still finding a way to piece all these together, to piece my life together for me to figure out what to do, or rather, what i CAN do in the future. and it's pretty much difficult. maybe one day i'll end up as just an average person with a bike and a violin or guitar and an ordinary job like as a salesperson [or perhaps i'd even fail at that], and one day i'll look back and realise how much of a loser i am, to have become such an ordinary person, someone who i always tried never to be in the first place.

basically, i'm wondering how i'm going to get into a good uni in this state, if it's even possible, and thinking about my future which seems very, if not almost completely, bleak. sometimes life just seems bleak. but this ain't just sometimes. because this time i KNOW that my life has been completely and utterly screwed up, ruining any chance of me being able to obtain a scholarship and giving a NEGATIVE chance of me being able to go overseas to study. which also means that i am so, so, so screwed up and that i'm gonna have to stay in singapore and go to a singapore uni. which obviously only leaves one choice. but am i serious? because right now i doubt that i even have the capability of GETTING INTO that uni, as you can see from how screwed up my acads now are. and i shall summarise this whole long rubbish ranting into one sentence: i screwed up big time, now my life is screwed, i'm screwed, and i'm not gonna be able to get into a good uni which would triple [or quadruple?] screw me. there.



NEXT TOPIC.
i think i'm a filthy hypocrite. on one hand, i can't stand some people and i try to avoid them so that i don't have to think of topics for conversation. on the other hand, i tell myself that everyone deserves their rights and that we shouldn't discriminate against others just because they're different in a way that we can't seem to understand them. well, i suppose right now i'm still wondering whether these two things that i do are opposing. they're not, really, right? nope, not really. but then there's the worse stuff. which is that i bitch about some of these people! UGH. which makes me feel like a stinking hypocrite. which i am! gosh. i'm just a pretentious shit trying to act all nice and good. the thing is, do i accept this part of me? because changing it would mean changing my ideals. or do i change myself so that i can keep to my ideals? this is difficult, really. on one hand, i feel that it is obviously disrespectful to bitch about others. but then again, sometimes you really need a place to vent your emotions and frustrations, which comes out as a form of bitching. so what am i supposed to do? it's a dilemma. okay i'll think more about it and if i arrive at a conclusion and remember to blog it here then i will.



NEXT.
i think it's crazy how many awesome friends i have. how is it possible for such a loser like me to have such awesome friends? seriously. why are they friends with me anyway? what kind of a person am i? and what kind of a friend am i? i need to start asking around. a bit weird, maybe. but i need to know. am i a good friend? why is it that i have a bunch of awesome friends? and yet i feel like i'm not being a very good friend to them? it's like there's no balance in our relationships because others are almost always the ones giving more. it's never me. i never seem to give. so why do we still treasure our friendships so much? what's there about this friendship that people hold on to? i wonder, and i want to know.

at the same time, i really admire some of my friends for their mindsets. determination, and strength of will. focused minds. knowing what they want. how do they do it, really? it's difficult to understand the power of the human will. it's also difficult for me to understand the concept of self-discipline, which i am forever unable to employ on myself. other than that, i find it amazing that people actually know what they want to do in life. it's like, brilliant, isn't it? knowing the path you want to walk. it's like... the path's already there, laid out for you to walk through, and all you need to do is get across. the direction's all been set, so you don't need to worry about walking off the path. because for myself there's no path, no lighted walkway. and all i have, all i am, is nothingness upon nothingness. nothing inside of me, and nothing outside of me. no roads, no paths, nowhere leading the way to nowhere. not travelling, just floating around, hovering, doing nothing much. that's probably me. always about the same spot. sticking to the old and familiar. not moving out of my comfort zone. basically, just being stagnant. it must be a nice feeling, knowing what you want to do with your life.



and this is what i typed into my handphone while on the bus this morning.
6.38am.
every time my mum gets annoying i think about leaving. some people just don't get it. anyway, teri asked me if i really wanted to live outside cos she was going to see a house and asked if i wanted to go. the thing is, i only feel like leaving when i get annoyed, be it with my mum, my brother, or even my dad. but once i calm down i don't feel the same way anymore. now what i need to do is recognise whether i'm going to get annoyed more often or be calm more often. it's sort of like an econs thing i guess, weighing the factors that are keeping me here and those pushing me away, and seeing which one is stronger for me to make my decision. except that now i really don't know what to think. i was very tempted to text my dad just now to ask him if i could live outside. i really don't know what to do anymore. i just want to get away from my family, really badly.

all i want to do at times like these is to ride a bike down a long long road until all the tears dry up, until there's no reason left to cry.



okay. i spent a long time on this. time to get back to the most dreaded four letter word, work. i really hate my life right now. don't you?



oh by the way, i think that even though i've tried to stop thinking about you, i must really miss you because you appear in my dreams and somehow it makes me happy knowing that somewhere [even if it's just in my dreams] i can talk to you and watch you smile at me. thankyou. ♥

was thinking about people with problems, like autistic people, and then i thought of my brother, whom i still believe is only suspected of being autistic and not confirmed to be autistic. my mum says he is. i refuse to believe it yet, unless a doctor comes along to confirm it. but then i was thinking what if he really is, and because i was also thinking of that kid they talked about in the cyber wellness talk, and what if he commits suicide. well, i suppose it really depends on what the problem is, but as far as i know my brother, he probably wouldn't commit suicide. for a family who thinks that people who commit suicide are stupid because they have to resort to taking away their own life, well, i suppose it's hardly likely that my brother will do the same. of course, if it happens, i suppose i'd feel a sense of pity for him. just saying.

my brain's working in weird ways nowadays. i can no longer seem to pin down accurately what i'm trying to bring across, and things slip away too easily for me to pen down. so all the things i want to talk about don't seem to appear here any longer.

and my mum is really getting on my nerves these few days. but i'm too tired, too lazy, and too beaten to 抵抗, to fight back. just keep going, and one day i'll turn mad. i'm sure i will. because every time i'm already on the point of exploding. except that i realised that the only thing that happens when i'm angry is that i start crying. because i can't show my anger in any other way except to cry. because i can't bang the table or kick the chair or shout at people because it would be bad and rude to do so. i would, but i don't, because i'm not supposed to. and i end up crying. every single time i get pissed.

okay my mum is seriously annoying now and wants me to get off the computer. ugh. fuck off. shall go library/starbucks tomorrow for the whole day.

just a few points to make.

1) what future career? all i wanna do when i get out of school is to ride my bike, make music and be happy.

don't talk to me about that kind of shit, because i have no interest whatsoever in pursuing a career as a doctor/lawyer/scientist/accountant/whatever other jobs you can think of after going through education, and i don't really care whether i get a degree or whatever. so there. i just wanna enjoy my life. and i don't plan to work hard. not in the area of jobs anyway.



2) been making a concerted effort to try to get home early these few weeks, but one day that i go home late, and all these efforts of appeasing my mum seem to have flown out of the window. i just think it sucks when your effort isn't recognised.

and what the heck, that day wasn't even my fault, because i had makeup lesson.



3) as much as i tried to appreciate my teachers these couple of months and see them in a different light, i realised that they're all the same. whether it's that anal teacher who scolds you for not greeting him/her, or that nice teacher who's concerned about your welfare. in the end, i realised that i don't - and can't - trust them. not a single one of them. because in the end i realised that they're all the same, basically. the common thing about all of them, is that they don't understand. not our needs nor our personalities. they don't know us well enough to make fair judgement. and teachers are always wrong when they judge too quickly. there's nothing worse than an inference about a student that hardly skims the surface of the student's character. they don't realise that there are people [and no, i'm not only talking about myself] who are actually taking more time to work harder, more now than ever before. no, it's not obvious, but it's the little things that matter, things too tiny that they often overlook. so what i have to say is just that, as much as i've tried opening up to them, i can't do it, because no matter what, i still don't trust them, and i doubt i ever will. no, not even the nicest teacher, because i've spotted those flaws through little slips of uncontrolled emotions that they allow sometimes.



4) screw all the holidays and rubbish that we have nowadays. good friday? sports day? vesak day? student council elections? gosh. i've never felt more annoyed at having holidays. thanks to all these 'holidays' and 'rest days', we now have a TON of makeup lessons. and i really mean a ton. bio, chem and lit.

and what the heck i'm freaking busy these few weeks! gah.

brilliant example:
7th may - 1) SATS. 2) dancenight salt run. 3) makeup bio lecture.
like what the fuck seriously. and since i paid and signed up for sats plus it's the most important one, i can't go for the other 2 because they're all in the morning! walao eh i'll be missing TWO bio lectures [the makeup is for 2 lectures. i cannot emphasize the importance of missing TWO WHOLE FREAKING LECTURES.] so like WTFFF plus it's on D&E which is my favourite topic and taught by my favourite lecturer!!! FUCKMYLIFE. ): WHY MUST MAKEUP LECTURE BE ON THE SAME DAY AS SATS!!!

and then i'll be missing the first salt run for dancenight too, which is just UGH. wouldn't know how things were like, what we're supposed to improve on, etc. plus i'd be missing one chance for practice. basically i'd be missing out on a lot by missing the salt run, so FREAK. seriously, life sucks.

the worst thing? sats was supposed to be held at hwach but they changed the venue so it's not at hwach anymore!!! i thought it would be at hwach cos then it'd be a familiar place for me. ughhh. fuck manz. i feel so annoyed. WHY MUST EVERYTHING BE ON THE SAME DAY. IS THE SEVENTH OF MAY SOME SPECIAL GODLY DAY WHEN EVERYTHING MUST BE HELD ON? SCREW YOU, SEVENTH OF MAY. SIAN MAX.

want to hear even more bad news? the very next day, 8th of may, is fuyo. like wtf. ohmygawd. life is totally just screwing with me. sigh.


other than that, 30th april is also an interesting day. makeup bio lecture in the morning, and then bgirl nite out in the evening. goshhh.



5) i agreed to join the bgirl battle thing with xinyun for bgirl nite out. what am i getting myself into? as much as i think it's great exposure, fun, and experience, IT'S SCARYYY! D: [oh wait... doesn't that mean fuyo is gonna be much more scary? YEAH IT DOES, and YEAH IT IS.] plus it's a 1v1 battle so D: i mean, if it was 2v2 and i could battle with xinyun then it'd certainly be less scary. but ahhhh. damn. i'm feeling scared already, even though i haven't even put my name down yet.

and fuyo is coming up really soon so ohmannn yes i am getting a bit freaked out.

just gonna tell myself to do my best for both, and not get too intimidated by other people. just gotta do my best, and that's all that matters. just gonna do what i do and see what happens, i guess. come on, i'm sure i have more courage than this, so what's there to be scared about, really? not like i'm gonna win anyway, so just go in and do my best and feel good about it when i'm done. yeah. that's what i'll aim for (:



[this list is getting long. damn.]
6) I NEED TO START STUDYING FOR SATS OMG I AM A COMPLETE RETARD IF I DON'T START SOON. as much as it has made me consider whether i really want to study in the us, signing up for it meant a certain level of commitment, and there's no backing out now, plus the money's gone, so i'm just gonna have to do my best, do it well, and START STUDYING.

on a side note, i also need to start finishing my homework soon. gosh chem _|_ i'm starting to lag already! zomggg wtf.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO COPE WITH ALL THIS SHIZ? ): after 8th may i will be a happier person. sats, bgirl nite out, and fuyo would be all over and i'd be able to concentrate on studies & dancenight. come on jane, you can do it. just a couple more weeks of pushing, working hard. it's possible.



7) i will remind myself [hopefully] to make a wishlist soon, of the things that i want to get done, especially after a levels. REMIND MYSELF.



k end of list. dinner now, bye.

have you ever met a pair of kids so eager to get away from their parents?
yeah, they're right here in my house.

it might not be a mutual thing, but it does feel somewhat like one.
one of the only things that me and my brother share in common, is our annoyance with our parents. of course, his is to a much greater extent, but it's hardly often that you find us sharing anything in common, besides junk food. and perhaps it's really this that has brought us closer together when we didn't want to be bothered with our parents. because have you ever met children so eager to get away from their parents? not too often, i'd suppose.
i came to this conclusion after my mum told me about my brother's reaction to going overseas. if he got into the overseas university, he'd be very happy, because as he puts it, he would not need to see my mum for 4 years, and she would be at his graduation either. ouch? perhaps. but i wouldn't really know how my mum feels about it exactly. what i do know, is that i want to go to an overseas uni too. but is it just a common dream of going to an overseas uni? or is there a deeper meaning of this common dream?

which brings me to my next point on universities.
these few days all i've been thinking about is uni. how am i going to get into an overseas uni? well, not the point, really. rather, how am i going to be able to afford to study in an overseas uni? it's just not possible, no matter how i see it. either i get a scholarship, or i don't go at all. aren't those the only choices i have? and i know i won't be able to get a scholarship, so what now? beats me, really. how's my brother going to do it? i have no idea, but he has his own ways and means. let him. sigh. so all i can do now is to worry, and worry some more. i hope it's possible.


and now, time to get some rest and sleep, to a brand new tomorrow.

what i've realised in this couple of months is that humans are extremely stubborn creatures by nature.
we refuse to trust or believe others, and we always hold on to our own principles and beliefs obstinately, living in denial of the facts being thrown at our faces. with too much pride and ego, we refuse to admit our mistakes. we are unhappy when we are proven wrong. and we always like things to go according to our own way.

which might perhaps explain the numerous conflicts present in the world today. on a more personal note, this perhaps explains why people might see me as a stubborn kid who refuses to admit my mistakes. what mistakes? well, for one, why do i hate my family? i suppose that, in the eyes of most people, it is wrong to hate your family. do i feel that it is wrong? no. are my reasons justified? well, do they have to be? do you need a reason to love? likewise, do you need a reason to hate? perhaps. all these questions that i can never answer, they just make me end up in confusion about what i'm supposed to do, what i think i should do, and what i want to do. digressing again here, but... i suppose the main point here is just that. i don't know why i do the things i do sometimes. for example, sometimes i don't feel that my reasons for hating my family is justified. no, perhaps they're not. but i still hate them. why? beats me, really. does that make me stubborn? does that make me unfilial? i don't know, and i'm thinking about it but i can't seem to get a satisfactory answer from myself. and yet when people tell me things sometimes, i refuse to listen. stubborn? yes. but i can't seem to help it. or can i? sigh.

just. know that humans are stubborn things. every human is stubborn. i have yet to meet someone that isn't.



oh did i mention that i saw gary at the library on friday? think he was with his girlfriend and he saw me so he called my handphone. when i saw his name on the phone i thought he was probably around, so i looked around and saw him, then picked up the call. haha he was like 'you recognise me?' anyway just waved at each other and then hung up and he went off with his girlfriend. haha kinda lame right. but really, it reminded me of good childhood memories. reminded me of those simple times when i was just a kid, enjoying life and being happy. he was an awesome friend then (: still is. hardly talk to him anymore but if you asked me now, he's still my good friend.

anyway, this week has been alright, really. just the usual week which i can hardly remember anymore. got back gp which was a U, half a mark to S. quite interesting, really. and got back one paper of lit, which is a quarter of the marks, which i barely got an S for. ah well. gp and lit have never been my forte. i'm glad i worked hard for the sciences. imagine if i didn't. then i would have nothing to pull me up from gp and lit. anyway right now all i'm hoping for is to get above 30 percentile so that i can train for dancenight in peace and hopefully do fusion too. really hoping very hard. oh wait. yknow sometimes the harder you hope for something the lower the chance of it happening? yeah. so i won't hope luh. just worried about it. but whatever. just wanna get my results back so i don't have to be kept in suspense. which reminds me. hold on while i check isp to see if it's up yet... okay it's not. dang. hurryyy be out soon okay? please thanks.

other than that, also got pw results back. A lor. quite fortunate really, that my entire class scored As. proud of my class (: thanks to our teacher, who i never knew helped that much. i heard some of my friends' classes had a number of Bs, which was scary really. and yeah, one of my friends from another school got a B, so i'm really quite sad about it ): sigh. don't fret. don't think about it, perhaps? i know you're not showing your emotions. stay strong. (:

and then a couple of things which happened. thursday went to starbucks after school to talk to wanjane for 15mins. hahaha. damn retarded but whatever because i was going to go home anyway. i want to eat/drink at starbucks soon. heh. (: friday too because she came to school. wednesday went to run at the cardio room i can't believe i was dying only after 2k gah. and then friday also went to play basketball with classmates after we got our pw results back. oh did i mention? my class screamed when ms ho said that everyone got A and it was freaking loud. felt like an explosion from the back, really, because i was sitting at the front, and i could really feel the sound waves rushing from the back to the front of the class [everyone facing the front mah] haha. yeah. but yeah, happy for my class (: yup. and then after cca on friday [felix came! haha.] i made a last minute decision to watch talentime. me and xinyun bought the tickets, then queued to go in. kevin entered without a ticket. lol max at his attempts to convince the door people. sat with xinyun kevin rhen estee and saved a seat for teri. anyway kevin disappeared later and then wanjane came so we shifted to the row with more seats and then teri came and then kevin came back after the break and wanjane sat with tamaryn so. okay. complicated ._. haha whatever. yeah. kevin left after theron's performance. and then i left before the results were out. walked out of school with wanjane and tamaryn (: haha. talentime was okay luh. yup. that's about all for the week i think. napfa next week omggg jiayou me. aiming for a gold haha please thanks.



sleeping freaking late nowadays fuck i need to sleep earlier. seriously, no kidding. anyway i finished vocab list omg my only accomplishment today. haha. shall start on tutorials tomorrow zzz i need to stop procrastinating. and this is extra and random, but tapioca crisps ftw. the good ones pwn potato chips. plus they're not as unhealthy. in fact, because i am stubborn, i believe that they are more healthy than potato chips and refuse to believe otherwise. hopefully can download my 2 new albums tomorrow too. lol yeah, haven't downloaded since i bought them... what. 2 weeks ago? haha. freakkk also need to start studying for sats omg i don't want to die. although i really don't see how i'm gonna be able to go overseas because i'm not fucking rich enough. i wonder how my brother's gonna handle it. i don't know if he applied for financial aid or anything. well, truth is i don't know what's going on in his life anyway. i hardly talk to him anymore and the other times i talk to him now are for trivial things. we almost never discuss important matters. anyway it's not like he wants to talk about them most of the time. and neither do i want to tell him about my life, so yeah. its kinda like a mutual we-don't-care-about-each-other feeling. which most people probably do not experience, but that's how it works in my family. anyway as i was saying, i don't know how i'm gonna get the money to study overseas even though it's my dream to do so. yeah. gosh. how annoying. someone save me please thanks.

when i get annoyed sometimes, all i want to do is drive a motorbike and feel the thrill of speed. maybe i should ask my dad to teach me every couple of weeks or something, when he's free. being 18 will only be good because i can get my license, drink alcohol legally, and watch m18 movies. not really because of anything else, really. since i don't exactly want to grow old. i think.

and i'm glad that music is always there for me, never abandoning me. thank you.

off to sleep now. it's freaking late. i hope i won't be too tired tomorrow, and perhaps i can go run if it doesn't rain like it did today. 3 more days till napfa. well, a bit less, but yeah. after that, it's all out for sats and fuyo. omg i need to do this. and i hope bio and lit results are alright. and lol j3 senior guys had their passing out parade today morning whoops i didn't go watch because no one else was watching :/ haha zichao and weiqi asked. sighh. there'll be a ton of seniors back in school on monday i suppose. haha oh well i suppose it'll make a change, seeing them. but uhh i honestly don't know if i'd follow if they went to play basketball or something. difficult choice. ohyah was talking to edwin just now too. haha about a week's break i think. seniors please don't come to school everyday i will just die cos i can't play basketball everyday k thanks bye. haha. yupp off to sleep now goodnight!



i still can't forget you.

heyooo.

it's been a long while since i blogged.

a lot of things have happened since then. but then again, a lot of things happen every week and every day.

firstly, blocks have gone past. i haven't blogged since then. almost two weeks have passed. it feels like a rather long ago thing, really. the day before bio paper i was busy finishing up my ics2 notes so that i wouldn't have to bring the thick stack of original notes to school. retarded? maybe, but that's sort of my style. haha. i always make the most trivial things seem very important, and the most important things seem trivial. anyway, biology paper seemed okay, and lit paper 5 was difficult to rank because i had no idea how i fared. quite like lit paper 1. didn't go home straight, but instead went to have dinner with wanjane at cwp (: heh. i was rather worried about math actually, because i still had 2 or 3 topics that i hadn't touched at all, but i just thought, what the heck, didn't think it'd make a huge difference anyway, plus i was expecting to be home rather early because it was supposed to be an early dinner. but hahaha we spent super long talking and eating and then walking around so that by the time i got home, i think it was past 8? can't really remember now. thought i'd have to chiong through my studying, but studying for SnS and PnC was almost too easy. just formulas which i decided to memorise on the way to school the next day. spent the time after that working on the revision package. i have to admit, it's the first time i practised on a revision package before an exam in hwachong. i suppose it helped a bit. by the time wednesday arrived for math paper, i was rather sian-ed already. skipped a lot of questions and i was counting the maximum number of marks i could get to be 66. of course, if i took out the errors, i thought it would be 10 - 20 marks lower than that. could only hope that i would get a proper pass at least. by that i mean 50, which is a D. got home early and started studying for chem. the last day of chem paper was done with a mix of anxiety, heck care-ness, and excitement that it was all going to be over in a couple of hours. after blocks, the feeling of anxiety didn't fully dissipate, but really, what the heck. it was more of a dreamy state kind of thing that blocks was over, because it didn't feel like i studied hard, nor did it feel like i just sat through a row of examinations. in fact, it didn't feel like anything much. anyway, after that i went out with regina and mark for lunch and shopping :D which was awesome fun, really. went to town, ate at justacia and talked for super long, then went shopping. i bought a ton of crystal figurines, 2 music albums, and a skirt. felt happy (: it's been a while since i went shopping anyway. after that regina had to go back first, and after searching around for a pair of shoes [unsuccessfully], we went back too. mark stopped at hmv to buy his earphones. and then it was just home sweet home because i was kinda tired out. plus my bag was heavy ): rawr i swear i hate heavy bags. got home, and i'm not too sure what i did, but it was a good few hours' break.

post-blocks life seemed kinda :/ though. had to go for cca on friday, which was the very next day, and i was super zzz because well, yeah, i was still in party mode you see. started on dancenight choreo, and then later on boy told us more about competitions and battles, and we had a battle for boy to watch and comment. seantan and huangbin weren't there ._. so jiahan and weicher battled with me. i could have done better. i always can. sigh. after that i left a bit earlier and caught up with boy and chinghun who was going home too. got home at an average time, but my mum wasn't very happy with me.

saturday was STJ (: met a few s77s at thomson plaza, and then headed for teri's house. most of them went to play cards, but then i was kinda sian-ed and so a couple of us played guitar hero instead. hahaha. (: it was really quite fun (: and weilun was super funny cos he was really fail at the drums, plus he started screaming for the vocals so lol max. had a ton of fun and ate a ton of potato chips. by the time we were done, there were quite a few people already and we had to go to sakae at parkmall but we were kinda running late, so they had to call and tell the people that we were gonna be late. dinner at sakae was fun (: at first i was like uhhh cos i didn't know which table to sit at. like honestly, it's a hard choice to choose who you want to hang out with for the rest of dinner. in the end i sat at a table with weilun and longpeng, plus xiaojun and dew. audrey joined us later on. at first it was kinda awkward i think, but thanks to longpeng's brilliant idea after that, it was rather fun (: haha. shan't say anything here, cos the idea can be reused so (: heh. anyway the grandseniors [our seniors] came too [weiqi zijin keejia zichao], plus zixin. lol. zixin got tricked by us twice -cringes- ohman. haha he's super unlucky cos both times it wasn't even meant for him :/ lol. later on everyone started walking around to different tables and it sort of became super messy and we became super noisy so we got like 2 complaints :O like seriously that's just whoa. imagine if they knew our school. we'd be famous on the news the next day or something. lol. nah just kidding (: after dinner we went to a nearby place to take photo + watch juniors' fac dance + reveal angels and mortals (: hehe. thanks shermaine for the chocs! (: she's my mortal. and my angel's xiaojun. yupp. and then people started leaving after that. the seniors plus us wanted to go arcade, but then the juniors apparently wanted to sit down somewhere to talk. so like ._. we just followed them lor. in the end we heard that they were going to sit at the food court to talk, which was not very appealing, so we decided to go to the arcade in the same building. i have no idea what building or where we were. just somewhere around dhoby ghaut. later on there was some issues and apparently the juniors went to the arcade at the mrt [x-something] so we [me teri suat mark weiqi zichao zixin] just went over lor. met them there. i think there was shermaine xiaotong yongsheng and a few others? can't really remember all of them now. i just remember yongsheng cos he was there for quite long and apparently he was super zai at some game ._. haha. played rubbish like basketball and parapara. the drummer we saw was really zai! haha (: watching him made me happy. i was like, why isn't weilun here! we need to show him how to use the foot pedal. lol. finally left with teri after we decided to dao the parapara thing which was halfway running, which meant that the next person who played would get a couple of free games. but whatever, cos i just wanted to go home already, plus it was late and i'm sure my mum was not going to be very happy. we were the last to leave, about a couple of minutes after the rest of them left, but managed to catch up with them at the mrt platform (: phew. saw mark and bryan and suat. so yup, took the same train with teri and weiqi all the way homeee. haha it was fun talking to weiqi (: and yeah, got scolded when i got home :/ sigh.

sunday i woke up late i think. and then stayed at home chionging all the homework that we had to do for the week ahead. especially bio ._. yupp. it was... a rather good break that lasted for about 2 days, counting half of thursday and half of friday as one day, and then saturday as another day. heh. and yes, it only lasted for 2 days.

monday i went home early and chionged more homework, because i knew that i wouldn't be able to do it on tuesday. wednesday came and i still had to chiong gp, which i didn't manage to finish. scribbled out something at the last minute to hand in. didn't even meet the word limit, but i was just desperate to get it over with. stayed back in school on wednesday and eventually got up enough courage to train at the stage. all the taekwondo people were around the area, it was scary okay! :/ plus i was super scared they needed to use the stage, or that the coach was gonna complain again ._. kevin weilun and zhiwei were at the class bench with me too, and haha thanks for weilun who kept telling me to just go and train, because otherwise i wouldn't be able to go home. haha. anyway, it turned out okay luh. trained quite hard, really (: i was rather proud of myself. mark came along later to talk/watch i guess. it was good having someone to talk to, plus less scary. haha. and then later on daniel and jingyao came over to train too, so yeah. still can't do certain stuffs ): but yeah thanks daniel for teaching/helping (: finally left around 6 when i thought i'd better go home before my mum gets angry again, or before i get stuck in the traffic jam. it didn't work, though. still got stuck in the jam ): rawrrr. spent too much time in the toilet i think ._. lol. bus took SUPER long to come, plus i was super tired and my bag was heavy and i was just freaking sian luh. plus the bus was crowded and i had nowhere to sleep. boo ):

didn't do much on wednesday either cos i was tired. thursday i went home rather early and did my work (: yaye. friday i had no cca [it was for the j1s] so i decided to take a day off [since i trained on wednesday.] and went to the library after school to study with yiinghuey (: ate dinner together at mos after that, then went popular to shop for stationery before finally going home (: awesomeness.

saturday [yesterday] was spent being super sian but studying anyway. finished more homework. nowadays my weekends are spent exactly like weekdays - doing homework. sigh :/ same for today lor. still have undone homework but whatever. tomorrow there's election talk for the councillors in school, so the first half of the day will be gone. hopefully i can do a bit of work during that time. well i'm really glad that i FINALLY finished reading my photosynthesis notes though. it took me ages. saturday i was super sian and avoided it all day, so i did chem instead. today i couldn't avoid it any longer so i spent almost the entire day working on it. did my notes at the same time lo. so yeah, finally done with studying it. will have to start on the tutorial tomorrow then. the most homework every week is gp though. rawrr. i'm catching up with it. shall aim to finish all the vocab lists and time tunnel in 3 weeks, so that i don't ever have to worry about them again (: haha. yepp. and also have to start studying for SATs and bt2. lol i'm not crazy, but i do feel happy being guai, really. i concluded that my 本性 is a guai kid cos that's why i was super guai when i was young and why i look guai too. plus it makes me happy. says something about me, i suppose. but it really does feel good to be ahead in your homework and every thing, so you don't have to chiong homework at the last minute.

anyway, i was supposed to do my time tunnel but it's kinda late now so ._. i dunno.

got back math and chem blocks already. got a D for chem which is better than expected, but still sucky considering that i could probably have done better. got a C for math which i doubted i'd get, since my class did rather poorly and the highest is only 63, B. at first when our teacher told us we did badly, i infered that it meant that i would be in the majority of the class which failed. getting a C, which is like among the top 5 people in class, sort of told me not to come to assumptions too quickly. though it also showed that my class isn't very good at math, because we got a really low average and overall class result, and like. i don't know. thinking about comparing results with other classes, or like thinking about comparing results with people like crystal is kinda demoralising, because i'm assuming that other people should have gotten As and they wouldn't even be the top in their class. what the heck. okay i really have no idea what i'm trying to get at either ._. lol. just, yeah. feeling bleh-ish.

it's an improvement, i'd say. definitely, from all the other rubbish i've gotten since j1. but not good enough for me. is it proportional to the amount of effort that i'm putting in? hard to tell, really, but i suppose it's around there. does that mean i have to put in more effort? you're kidding me, right? i'm already freaking tired most days and i can't even sleep properly nowadays. if i'm not dreaming about chem and identifying the right compounds, then i'm dreaming about having gunfights with people and killing them with the gun i'm holding with at least a dozen shots, and watching them bleed to death in front of me. if i'm not dreaming, then i'm waking up in the middle of the night at 4am when i only have to wake up at 5am for school [which has happened twice already], or waking up at 5am when i don't even have to wake up early for school. what the fuck man. i don't really know what's wrong with me either. maybe it's just my new bed that's giving me all these problems. maybe. well, whatever it is, yeah. but it really felt damn good holding the gun and shooting the person who was trying to kill me with his/her own gun and being able to avoid the shots at me. super close can. got at least 3 shots to the person's chest. oh yeah (: no, i'm not crazy. i'm a sadist and i always have been. it's normal for me to think this way. but that was one of the first time that it felt like i was holding a real gun and shooting real bullets, so it felt really good. anyway, i'm glad i still have rather normal dreams about my friends and stuff that make me happy, so yeah (:

okay. time to print some stuff and then off to sleep. i hope i don't wake up in the middle of the night again. at least i THINK i hope that way. seeya.