must be nice to be rich...
i finally understand that.
with money you can do anything, overseas education included.

i supposed i used to think i'd be able to live life even without money, the naive idea that happiness was greater than money. that might be true, but in this kind of world... i suppose not. sighh.



okay time to study bio :/

solomon ♥
he's seriously the best.

i only like him and haji (: they're like the best knights and chevaliers everrr. solomon especially zomggg. his love for saya gmh (: not that haji doesn't love saya la, but yknow, solomon's love for saya despite being diva's chevalier is so touching (:
well actually i sort of like quite a number of other characters too la... saya the heroine, nathan who's supposedly evil being diva's chevalier but so interesting, david who's strong-willed, joel who's strong-willed as well and fights after he's on a wheelchair, and lulu who is just absolutely cute. okay fine i admit it a lot of characters are cute too like joel and [zzz i think my mum just read whatever i typed until here... shouldn't have left this on the screen...] lewis. and there's an abundance of shuai guys like haji and solomon and moses. oh and i think karl/carl? is actually quite awesome too (: hahaha xD okay whatever.



i haven't been studying lol shit. i think i really don't care already... i don't know. left with 4 chapters of bio, 4 chapters of math, and uhhh 15 chapters of chem and all of wss. ): ohwell. i suppose i'll just do bio for now [aka today], then math and lit. probably give up on chem on friday, and do it over the weekends to try and save my chem next week instead, though that's unlikely since there's planning which i'll probably get 0 marks for (: heh. if only bio & chem planning was this week, then i wouldn't have to worry so much about losing too many marks since i haven't exactly finished studying yet :/ ah well. anyway the 3 days of rest before chem & bio probably ain't enough to do much anyway. sigh. okay wait they sound like quite a lot actually... depends on how i spend them i guess.



my brother's going to nus ):
i might hate him, but i always thought he was destined for better things. europe, usa, or somewhere like that. but no, he cannot, and it cannot be helped. he could have gone to imperial college, but no...
somehow, the thought of him going to nus is depressing. i suppose i was thinking that if he went overseas, there would at least be some chance of me being able to go overseas as well. but now that he can't go overseas, well, i obviously can't either. i know my limits, and i know i cannot possibly be better than him in studies and achievements. if even he can't manage to get a scholarship, then there cannot possibly be any hope for me.
now, i can only imagine what the future would be like if i get into nus.
that throbbing disappointment...
i suppose you really can't do anything without money. the world runs on money, and people are greedy for money, as much as money is destroying the world. aren't i, too, greedy for money after all? :/ humans...



okay. back to watching blood+. last few episodes already ):

omggggg the monks downstairs have got to stop praying. i can't watch my anime properly with them saying the same few lines over and over and over again. geez. don't know if it's a wedding or funeral, though it's probably a funeral since no one prays during weddings, right? i don't know. do they?

tomorrow is start of block test 2 and i don't feel anything! (: wonderful. i still feel so relaxed (: so that's good. to me at least it is, so i don't really care what other people think. i haven't exactly finished studying lit, but it's alright. what will come, will come. i've been watching my anime for almost the entire day again, with the exception of a bit of bio planning and reading about 3 pages of lit text comparison lol. ohwell. i just want to finish bio planning soon [one more left xD] because i'm scared of bio teachers. ):

thinking about moving out. AGAIN. yeah, i know, i thought about it so many times already and i still haven't done it, so i probably won't do it this time. well, this time's different. i don't think i've thought about it this deeply and seriously before. [or perhaps i have. hm.] ohwell. i shall write out a list of things that i will miss if i do move out, and if i can read that list off and imagine myself without all those comforts and still feel okay with it, then yes, i think i might really move out. maybe for a month or two or three and see how things go. it's the only way i can think of to solve all these problems that i have at home. desperate measure? no, i don't think so. i don't think there's anything exceptionally wrong or different or unconventional or surprising about moving out. maybe it's because of the people i know, the people i hang with. [the punk and delinquent kids who influence me. not in a bad way. in a good way, in fact. they're the ones, the poly kids and the bold and brash kids, who, when they become my friends, make me realise and understand them, make me see that traditions and conventions are merely constructed, and that you can do anything you want to, because nothing is too weird, too abnormal, too out-of-the-world. in their eyes, all these are just normal things, things that happen because they have to.] but as much as moving out may seem like a crazy idea to some of my friends, i think it's perfectly normal. different circumstances and situations mould people into the way that they are. i'm not someone who would take action easily. i'm a laid-back, passive kind of person. even if i say i'm going to do something, i'm probably not if i feel too lazy, or if i just don't feel like it. but circumstances make people change. maybe i'll finally be able to take a step in this direction, of being bold and outspoken instead of timid and shy, of taking action instead of just waiting for others to do the work. it's my future, and it's down to me to change it as i deem fit.

after block test 2 [and it doesn't really seem to matter to me anymore] i'm going to take my camera and go to the park near my house to take photos. i might spend an entire day there. or half a day. i'm going to walk around with my camera in my hand, and take photos, nice photos, to make myself happy. i just want to be happy.

hm. should i stop watching my anime now? ):



oh and i realised i study much better without any stress. uhh well not exactly study well, but at least i can concentrate then. when there's stress or pressure for me to do something, i just procrastinate (: hee.

self-restraint.
self-discipline.

but most importantly, just get the fucking hell to sleep right now, and fucking stop watching your anime [blood+ ftw btw :D] and concentrate on studying for the next one and a half weeks.

but is that what i really want? even i myself don't know any longer. do i really want to study hard and do well? because it's just as possible that i don't want to...



confused ):
sometimes i just want to know what i'm thinking and what i want, but i can't if i keep changing my thoughts and the direction in which i'm trying to go every so often.
it's like taking two steps to the left, then two to the right, then another two backwards, always changing my destination every few steps. but after all that, where will i end up then?
):



still, whatever happens,
people who make me smile from my heart ♥
always. and always indebted.

i hate to be rude, really, but why don't you just fuck off.

i believe in myself.
and i always pride myself in this. everything becomes possible when i believe and trust in myself. it's not just believing that i'll be able to do well, but understanding my limits and my abilities.
i will always believe in myself, even if the world crumbles to nothing, because if i don't believe in myself, who else is there to believe in?

i should be sleeping soon.

gotta get up early AGAIN tomorrow to go to school. sigh. i'm tired.

i'm really tired. tired of having to wake up so early, tired of having deadlines to meet, tired of having to push myself through this shit, tired of being in this shit, tired of this thing that i have to do - study. after all, i myself know that i'm the type of person, who, if i want to, can push myself, but i'm also the type of person who cannot be bothered after a hard shove. i cannot keep up with all this.



spent the rest of friday playing audition, then felt like shit after that so i went to the library on saturday to study. kaien came in the morning but it was kinda retarded because he only brought one of the math revision package and finished it quite quickly, then asked me for chem notes but he'd studied the ones i brought. he ended up reading i&i which was quite funny. ate mos burger for lunch then got back to the library to continue studying. finished 3.5 bio topics. when i got home i spent the night playing audition. so i felt like crap again and since ken was asking me if i wanted to go the library on sunday, i went again. woke up a bit later today because i was getting tired from sleeping so late at night yet waking up so early in the morning, but still in time to buy breadtalk for breakfast and then get to the library before it opened. usual table, and started studying. ken overslept until 12 plus, epic. had lunch at macs with kaien even though it was quite crowded and we had to wait for seats. he was on his way to gym with his friend. got back to the library and ken came not too long later. felt sleepy at one point in time and decided to have a walk up to the 3rd level to have a look at the books then go back down. who knew i spent about an hour there reading rubbish. gosh. ken left around 5 plus 6 for tuition and then i managed to finish studying 4 topics in total by 6.30pm or so and went home for dinner. watched a bit of tv, relaxed, then played audition again. addicted already, like how i get addicted to all those dramas. the only way to stop myself from playing is either some really strict talking to myself, which i can't be bothered because i'd rather let temptation take over, or to move to somewhere without my desktop, which is what i've been doing for the past 2 days. sigh.

going to school in the morning tomorrow to collect bio answer stuffs and lit unseen compilation and lend mark my notes to photocopy at the same time, maybe gym if i have time and if i'm not too tired, then lunch and go home to study or sleep, more likely the latter.

was playing audition just now and some guy tried to chat me up. like wth. somehow he reminded me of 2 people i know who are closest [but still not that close] to what he was like. liaokai and edwin. lol. i don't know why either. just the way he/they talk i guess. anyway i just really want dens in audition now so that i can get that pretty blue guitar. gahh. i'm still short of about 190k i think ): so much gahhh.

k i gotta sleep now, my mum's being an ass [i was gonna say bitch but that's just what we use between friends so nah.]

been dreaming about stuff recently.

the night before i dreamt about people. just people whom i knew and i guess, some of whom i want to be closer to. it was just this huge hall with people i knew and it was fun, talking to them. maybe one of them specifically? i don't know. then there was also this car racing thing and again, with people i knew. sigh. but it's not like i'm very close to these people, though i do want to be better friends with them.

yesterday night [or this morning rather] i dreamt about my class [although it wasn't really my class, but just a mixture of friends, i guess.] and guns. yeah, guns. i had a gun. and people were trying to kill us and we were trying to kill people. i think someone was organising this killing game and you just had to shoot the people from other classes and if the people left standing are from our class, then we win. and when i say shoot, i mean really kill. somehow i was 'in charge', the leader, and i was trying to shoot the teacher or person in charge while hiding behind a wall or something, but nothing seemed to happen. later we realised it was because the game hadn't started yet. then we went to this huge room or corridor place where the game was going to take place. i swopped my gun, which seemed emptier than it was before, with a friend who's gun was rather full. with permission from my friend, but i felt fucking guilty because it would mean that i'd have a higher chance of survival while my friend wouldn't. fucking fucking guilty. almost like i was sending my friend to his/her deathbed. it started, and i started trying to shoot people and someone shot me, and i thought i was gonna die, until i realised nothing had happened yet and it was just a false start. and then it started for real, and i immediately put my hands over my head and started crying, saying that i didn't want to kill anyone. maybe it was really because i didn't want to die, so i felt that not shooting anyone would stop people from shooting me. but all around me people started shooting at each other, and somehow no one shot me. and then somehow i was looking at someone and he shot me in the forehead. and i felt the warm blood on my head, but then someone shouted my friend's name [jessica, i think.] and i realised it wasn't me, but my friend who had been shot in the head, because the person thought she was me. basically the others were supposed to shoot me, because i was the leader and if i died then it would mean that they win the game. somehow there were only about 4 of us left standing, and one injured guy [i think it was jiahan. no idea why it was him really, since he's not in my class.] and then we were trying to help the injured guy up but the others surrounded us and we formed a circle around the injured person, so that he wouldn't be shot. and then there was when i had to make the ultimate decision, whether i should stand out and let them all shoot me so that what was left of my class could escape unharmed, or whether we should all fight our way through the 8-10 people surrounding us. i never made that decision, because i woke up then. but i spent a long time considering it, whether i would have sacrificed myself for the rest. i think i would. i was terribly scared of death, and the out of body experience of my friend being shot in the head only made it worse, but i think i would have let them shoot me, if the rest could escape unharmed. after all it was too difficult to fight through the people surrounding us, all with guns ready at their sides. i was considering shooting them, but even if i managed to shoot one or two of them, i would be dead by then with everyone else shooting at me. but would i really? would i really step forward towards a path of sure death? what would i do if this really happened one day? if i met such a situation in real life one day? it bothers me that i have no certain answer... it bothers me too, that death scares me so much. because it seems as if, if i'm so scared of dying, then i must be weak, very very weak. would i let others die for me, then? like how i swopped my gun with my friend? i don't know, honestly. when such a time really comes, would i choose to die to save others, or let others die to save me? it's a question that, when i think about it when i try to be good, i'd think, of course i would die to save others. i won't let others die for me. but, when the time really comes, who knows? who knows what i'd do to keep my life? i'm scared, not just of dying, but even more because of the hidden darkness and evilness and selfishness inside of me that i usually don't display, that i always try to hide, but which i know resides in me. i'm not that good, that pure-hearted, even though i try to be.



okay enough with dreams. basically i used up my entire week playing games. sims3 mostly, since my internet refuses to work on my desktop. my brother's gonna try fixing it today. hope it works. monday went to school and it was so damn fun. got food to eat during lit :D and lit was okay. then mrs cheng came late for bio so we were all slacking before that and when she did come, it was a very very fun bio lesson (: she was annoyed at people who didn't come, so she asked us to call them, but she surprisingly excused felicia :O and then she was annoyed at mark, so we decided to make him buy starbucks for us in the end. which was very funny! then she was writing all our orders on the whiteboard and when mark finally came, he had to go starbucks to buy the stuff. on the plus side, he missed ~20mins of lesson which she didn't seem to mind. haha. and then after that we were drinking starbucks while doing bio and i thought the lesson was very fun. plus after lesson she was gossiping with us about the couple in our class which was very funny so i guess she's a rather fun teacher.

i always felt that teachers weren't good enough if they couldn't answer a student's question. but being able to do that would take a lot of effort, i suppose. so my other requirement for a good teacher is that they're honest with themselves and their feelings, like mrs cheng. and not like other teachers who act nice to students sometimes but when they're actually not that nice. i don't like being lied to. i guess, if there's a last requirement, it would be that they stay consistent. and not have mood swings at us because that's just freaking annoying, having a teacher that is happy with you one day and angry with you the next when you didn't even do anything. but anyway, i suppose it's also wrong to expect so much because teachers are humans as well. sigh.



super behind schedule thanks to the week of playing, so i'll try to chiong a bit more and hopefully finish a bit more in a shorter period of time. just over a week to the start of bt2 :/ i can't wait for bt2 to be over! xD haha. yes, i know, always ahead of time. my mum would tell me to worry about my blocks first, but that's just me. not caring about the shitty stuff, and just moving on and focusing on the nice stuffs (:

oh and i went jogging on wednesday. it felt good after all the sticking my ass to the chair at home almost everyday while i study/play. i went just because i felt like crap, and it did help me to not feel too crappy after that (: i felt better. even though my muscles are still kind of strained now. and i was super tired on thursday probably because of that too. haha. i think i'll recover fully by tomorrow or sunday. ohwell. okay off to do work. i must stop playing so much. rawrrr.

---------------------------------------------------

4.41pm
yayeee internet working again! :D happaye. my brother tried to fix it then couldn't work then he ask me to take out the wireless card in the cpu, so i had to unscrew the thingies and then he checked it and apparently it was okay so he said just put in again and try again, and it worked after that! :D heh. AUDITION! :D hahahaha. no more lousy sims :P haha. no luh kidding. but i very long never play audition already so yeah. ohyah and my desktop can connect to the printer now too (: although it's under a different model on my desktop -.- cos they didn't have the model, and then i couldn't find the cd for the printer, so just like that lor. can print anyway so doesn't matter. lol xD yupp. patching audition now while i read housekeeping lalala (:

ohyeah yesterday went to library to study. more like i got chased out of the house actually cos they were fogging so my mum ask me to go out. went alone but it was okay and i did work (: though i was kinda sleepy at the start thanks to jogging the day before. macs hotcakes for breakfast again wahahaha :D i'm gonna die of diabetes soon if i keep doing that man. and mushroom beef bowl at yoshinoya for dinner which wasn't very nice ): i think woodlands branch the food not nice. j8 and 313 nicer :P haha. okay off to play/study seeya! (:

OHYAH and love [the 7pm chinese show] is getting more interesting now HAHAHA guo congmin is damnnn funny i love him he's so retardedly funny now. ying jun min! HAHA. sorry my desktop can't seem to type chinese characters now ): but anyway it's damn funny! watching congmin and mingming against yingming is damnnnnnnn shuang! :D haha okay yeah that's all. seeya~

lol i'm so fail i finally managed to download auditionSEA and i spent the day playing it and trying to download maple [but still failing ):] and patching granado espada and playing assassin's creed WAHAHA i managed to play assassin's creed successfully this time too! i think my desktop must be feeling very generous today, letting all the games and stuff work for me. audition and assassin's creed haven't worked properly since very long ago. thank you desktop! did i mention that i love my desktop veryvery much? i really do! when i think of moving out and then i will think about getting a laptop at least because i'd still need a computer with me even when i move out and then i'll feel sad that i can't bring my desktop along and it'll probably rot at home or something ): i have deep feelings for my desktop! haha. anyway whoo awesome afternoon/evening spent well. lol. I CAN'T BELIEVE I FINALLY MANAGED TO INSTALL AUDITION YAYEEE :D i love audition it's my favourite online game so far with music dance and fashion all combined into one game (: kinda depressed that i still can't work maple though ): sigh. lol i'm such a slacker and i didn't even study much today lol ohwell. i feel slack. feel like playing sims now WAHAHAHA slack me is back ohno. need to finish bio crap before monday though! sian. and hopefully read some lit paper 5 stuffs before monday's lesson too. sighhh. nooo i can't decide whether to play or to study now! damn ): maybe i should play audition a bit more first before studying. lol.

feeling a bit lost. spent the day studying but doesn't feel like nothing. have been eating a load of junk food these few days, and i think i still haven't caught up on enough sleep since i finished my drama. just feel pretty much like crap even though these few days i feel like i'm godly and invincible. don't really know what i'm saying either.

went library in the morning, ate macs hotcakes breakfast before going (: studied for like what felt like rather long but somehow i did very little. yiinghuey came around 12. later i went to cwp to meet my mum to renew our internet connection and waited for like 7812356789 hours before we finally settled it. sigh. maybe that's why i ended up studying so little. okay luh i won't scam it was probably 1 hour or so not considered that long luh hor. so in the end it's still my fault lor. sigh. whatever happened to chionging through topics...

i realised today that i have no more close friends now. the last of them have gone. am i really that 差劲?
i'm such a hater.
and i'm really too lazy. can't always expect others to be the one giving.

i need to find that spark of passion and inspiration to keep me going. i need to find it soon before life gets too boring for me to take. very very soon before i go crazy.



i can't believe i forgot wanjane's birthday. omg. i swear there must be something wrong with me. i'm sorry.

finally finished watching 小鱼儿与花无缺 omg i love them so so so much. whoops i think i said that already xD hee. had a bit of post-drama depression but not as bad as last time i think. (: managed to get back to work quite quickly after that. but i haven't done much :/ can't seem to concentrate, maybe because my brother annoyed me just now. he was being an asshole cos our aunt called to ask us out for lunch and he didn't want to go and raised his voice at me saying that he has tuition and a test soon and all that shit. like wtf it's not even my fault or my problem, still attitude me. fuck off luh. not happy then you go and talk to her youself luh. asshole.

anyway, 4 days of slacking by watching drama [and trying my best to keep my drama-watching from my mum who's at home 24/7] is over, time to get back to work. kinda boring, but no choice huh. hm well of course there's a choice, but i'm not that extreme so it's fine i'll just stick to the norm and study for now.

gonna go library tomorrow with yiinghuey to study (: zzz i still don't know what to read for i&i book review. it's more than halfway through 2nd week liao sian. life is gonna be super boring when school reopens. just study a lot and nothing else. BORING. i need something to spice up my life. wondering what. my dslr perhaps? books? guitar? violin? novel? somethinggg. to make life more interesting before i get sian-ed to death. it'd be good if i could do that something in school as well.

hahaha liaokai is a damn qi guai junior after jts that day he was telling me to keep my hair longer cos long fringe + big eyes = chio. i was like lololol he is seriously damn qi guai hahahaha then i told him that and he said i was even more qi guai because i added him on facebook even before we had smj [senior meet junior] lol. true that. oh well xD haha. but i think he raised my low self-esteem a bit, so thanks (: hahaha. he is damn good at praising people though, so must be careful of him. hahaha. nevermind it was very funny xD

talking about self-esteem, i definitely remember the person who raised my self-esteem significantly, even though it was very long ago. won't say who, but he was the first person who said that i was pretty. that was either in primary or secondary school i can't remember now. and i know that probably sounds like crap here, but i used to have fucking low self-esteem before that. a lot of it was thanks to my mum, who is extremely good at lowering my self-esteem every fucking single day. so yeah, i must really thank him very much because i never ever thought of myself as pretty before. still don't dare to think of it now, but it made me realise that i'm not as lousy as i thought i was. and it raised my fucking low self-esteem considerably, such that my self-esteem is now probably not too much lower than an average person. so i'd consider him my benefactor? is that what you call them? 恩人? something like that. i've always wanted higher self-esteem and self-confidence though. without that i guess i just feel like shit compared to almost everyone else. but it's not as easy said as done.

went for yiinghuey's band concert at singapore conference hall at tanjong pagar with crystal and ken. ate dinner at city hall before that. mos burger. and then went marina square to get sunflower and then reese's chocolates and then managed to get there in time. we thought we were gonna be late. boxiang and bojun joined us later lol quite interesting. anyway i was kinda tired from the previous nights of watching drama [until 2 plus in the morning] so i think i half dozed off during one or two songs. whoops paisehh. after that we managed to pass the stuffs to yiinghuey but not to take photo with her :/ then we were gonna take the mrt when they say the macs sign and decided to go to macs. ended up eating supper there and then getting home rather late. ken walked me home and i was very grateful for that later on because at least my mum couldn't scold me for walking home alone. phew. after i showered i was thinking of watching my drama but i was too tired and just went to sleep in the end.

and i woke up at 12 plus today omg so late right. haha i can't remember what time i slept yesterday. 3am maybe.

okayokay time to get back to work. 20mins to finish studying and then go to sleep and wake up early tomorrow to go to library. maybe i'll eat a proper macs breakfast :D that day i went library i only ate egg mcmuffin you see.

stuck on 小鱼儿与花无缺 again wahahaha :D THEY ARE SO FREAKING AWESOME I LOVE THEM SO SO SO MUCH. at episode 22 now LOL not bad right :D ohyeah. been watching it for the past 1+ days. yesterday i watched it whole day and it reminded me a lot of my secondary school years when i'd just spend morning to night watching my lovely dramas. i have more control now than last time, and i'll tend to feel like shit if i spend too many consecutive days watching dramas only and nothing else. used to happen last time too, i think, but i wasn't really bothered then. i just wanted to slack and that was it. i didn't want to do anything else. i just wanted to do what made me happy. or at least that's what i thought. because truth be told, these things can only make me happy for that little bit of watching. dreaming over things that will never happen, living in a fantasy world created by amazing directors and actors. over time i've come to realise that, as much as i want that to be my life, it's not gonna happen if i remain stuck watching those dramas and not doing anything to my REAL life. i still have trouble getting away from them sometimes though. i mean, yeah, i feel all shitty after watching so much because i know that's not what i'm supposed to be doing and i'm supposed to be doing productive shit, but then i stop watching and turn off the computer, and then i feel at a loss as to what to do next. does it still happen? i suppose, except that now i know what i'm supposed to do is to study. doesn't mean i follow, of course. it's just that, sometimes i wished life was as easy as thinking up your own story. but i suppose everyone wishes for that too, huh. of course now that i think of it... like no kick leh. so not much point either. you feel satisfaction when you've put in effort into something. i need to tell myself that. cos i'm not gonna feel happy with my life if i keep watching these dramas all day long. but then again, what does it hurt to spend a couple of days on them? (: heh. at least i feel a bit better, amidst all that shit workload of studying for blocks. not like i've done much but who cares. i just need to cut myself some slack before i start, loosen up a bit, so that when i zam it all, i really zam it all. and i'm confident that i can. for now, 小鱼儿与花无缺! LOVE MAX. i think it must be my all-time favourite show :D hee.

had scholarship and career workshop today, it wasn't too bad (: hahahaha thaddeus ftw. everyone loves engaging speakers (: brightened up my day significantly. and he kinda reminded me a bit of felix. xD of course he's much more joker and felix is much more serious but they're both funny and engaging! :D or something. i don't know. heh.

okay off to get ready to go out for dinner and then yiinghuey's nj band concert (: SEEYA.



i like complicated people. complicated people fascinate me with their thoughts and actions.

i only did 4 topics today so far ): 3 bio 1 math. this is not working out.

woke up early and went through the rain to get to the library. didn't do much there though. and there was this guy at the same table as me with a red adidas jacket too except that the stripes and logo were white. around 12 plus i moved to starbucks where there was surprisingly quite a lot of space and where ken was studying. studied there until around 4.45pm and ate a bagel which i didn't like. and then we went to eat lunch at yoshinoya and ice cream at macs and then walked around uniqlo and went home. ken went for tuition. and tada. there's my day. with almost no work done! sian max.

when i came home i felt like doing work but because i spent so much time cleaning/dusting my desktop & desktop table, after that i just didn't feel like slogging my guts out anymore and decided to just be happy and use the computer instead. i wanted to watch drama xD which is why i'm here now. oh well at least i did talk to my friend just now which was a good reason to come online really. sighhh i hope my friend cheers up soon! wish i could say that i'm here for you, but that's kinda stupid and gross plus you're not gonna tell me what happened anyway, so :/ i don't really know what to tell you. we all get those emo bouts and i know how it feels myself, so what's the point trying to lighten it? i don't know. i did try, though. i hope it helped, but i don't think it did ):

in fact i was so full after eating yoshinoya and all that that i hardly felt like eating dinner when i came home. ate a bit just now anyway. this yakult is not helping my disgetion! or is it? can't tell really. oh well.

i also realised that i'd rather get misunderstood by my mum than explain things to her. still wondering if it's because i'm too lazy, because it's not my habit to do so, or because i think there's no point explaining things to her. and i realised that my brother does that too, not bothering to explain things to people, although he does it sometimes on purpose, i don't know if every time's on purpose you see. is it because we're siblings that we both do this? or just because the environment at home as made us like that? [sounds a bit like genetic variation huh. is it due to inheritance or environmental factors. lol shit i'm such a nerd.]

anyway i cleared my table a bit so i have more space now. [aka the usual amount of space i had before i started dumping stuffs on it.] yaye (: my nus lion is sitting on my table now. it's so cuteee. but when i saw the 'nus' on it just now i started thinking about uni and all that shit and i just got a bit sian-ed. HAIZ.

i seem to have a music album that i haven't downloaded. it's still in the hmv bag on my table. hm. i wonder what album is it. i don't remember buying anything other than adam lambert and the goo goo dolls... weird.

ohh so that's what they were. really adam lambert and the goo goo dolls. i must've been too lazy to keep them together with the rest of my cds last time.

okay nothing much already. OHYAH i bought 2 more tops at uniqlo on friday after jts. lol. ohyah jts was okay. [sukiya at marina square] but all the seniors sat together and all the juniors sat together. i suppose we had more fun, at the cost of getting to know our juniors better. weiqi came back the only j3 there. i didn't get anything for shermaine in the end, just passed her her letter. maybe i'll wear heels to the next class outing since no one believes me. hurr. after that the juniors had to go off for their xmen movie which they were late for, and then a bunch of us just walked around in search of good ice cream. failed and ended up getting an assortment of yoghurts, gongchas, soybean ice cream, and mc flurry. and weiqi's ice cream float. sat at macs and talked a bit before finally going home. bounced train with weiqi since it was almost peak hours and probably very crowded. and he was very entertaining during the train ride back. haha. he was telling me all the stuff that happened in ns it was damnnn funny. yaye thanks for the stories weiqi! :D

i sort of miss bgirling already. ): don't know if it's because it's just something else for me to do besides studying and all that school shit, or if it's because i truly like it. still confused. kind of.

i miss a lot a lot a lot of things. the only way to get these things back is to work harder than i've done before, but... i don't have the strength nor the energy.

and i don't know what the heck to read for i&i book review so as not to annoy my teacher. freak.

first time i'm using my desktop in a longlong time! (: it makes me kinda happy. and i was glad the internet worked on the first try. otherwise i wouldn't be a very happy person. but i do love my desktop. laptops are good but desktops always give me that sense of stability and comfort and reminds me of home. if the internet was always this obedient i would use it more often. i hope my desktop loves me too.

k off to watch dramas, hopefully, to make myself happier [also hopefully]. seeya.

on the way to jts now. i think i'm gonna be late ): crap. dunno if i'll have time to get something for shermaine. :/

kinda demoralised over i dont know what. sigh. perhaps a bit of acads. i haven't started anything yet besides i&i. planning to finish reading the notes and all that shit by 15th, then start revising and doing practice questions after that. sounds good but i doubt i can get there..

also want to go shopping at uniqlo soon. wearing my new top to jts today :D

my mum was being annoying again. or maybe i'm just annoyed cos she's right. she insisted on me playing my violin just now, and i honestly sucked at it. ): demoralised, yeah.

told her i was going lunch then library =x