i really don't know what's wrong with me but i seem to be crying so much these few days it's kinda making me upset but i can't exactly do anything about it because when i think of everything i just feel like breaking down all over again ):

fuck.

angst. pissed. and i really hate myself so much right now.



thinking about the future and about university and courses and what i'm gonna do just makes me so damn annoyed and upset. indecisive. at first i thought i was sure that i didn't want to do math or science, and that i would stick to studying psychology or philosophy, but then somehow what my brother said struck a chord in me and now i'm like what the fuck i don't really hate bio as much as i say i do and i guess i really like some parts of it and is it possible that i'd be able to study bio without doing medicine? but when i think about the possibility of studying science, it opens up so many more possibilities but i'm left asking myself whether i'll be able to do well enough to take a science course in the first place.

and then i'm like okay, what my mum said is true and i'm really just stupid and useless and not even hardworking, i'm practically worthless and i might not be able to get a course or degree that i want and i'll just end up as a loser afterwards. it's like i have to force myself to admit all these negative things about myself that i don't want to believe in but what choice do i have? they're the truth. i'm a lazy piece of shit that's not hardworking or diligent enough to pursue what i want in life. at the end of the day, i'm gonna be getting results that i won't be proud of one bit, results that i will be embarrassed of, and i'll have to resort to studying things that i might not like or want, and at the end of the day i will be a worthless piece of thing that doesn't even deserve the right to be living as a person on this earth. something i refuse to admit but i know is actually the truth deep in my mind where reason is working.

so it's just 2 major issues - i don't know what to take, and even if i do know what to take, i don't know whether i'll be good enough to take it.



mum totally pissed me off this morning/afternoon, no comments.

i have totally no self-discipline i haven't even fucking done half of tiobe act 2 even though i told myself i wanted to finish tiobe by today. what. the. fuck. UGH. ended up playing zoo tycoon but i couldn't even win the fucking game. feel like a complete loser.



wednesday we had a fun last ct session eating macdonald desserts and taking photos and stuff. went to play basketball after that and it was fun (: it's been a while..

thursday went to run after school and i did 6 rounds even though it was slow, i guess better than nothing since i wasn't running on friday. after that went to the smiths? at balmoral for dinner and was planning to go waffletown for dessert but we were too full. got home kinda okay-ish but my mum said it was late so she was being an ass again.

friday was the last official day of school and honestly it wasn't very memorable but i guess it was kinda fun. all the lessons seemed quite alright and funny (: and we spent a lot of time not doing anything much and lessons ended at 1pm because hwach was being used as polling centre for presidential elections so we all had to leave school by 2pm, and there were just a lot of people hanging around the class benches and stuff. had to go take the GEP survey at college reception before leaving school and then taking bus all the way to marina square. planned to go starbucks to study but someone didn't like the small tables so we ended up at coffee club [again] instead. got home okayish AGAIN but apparently it wasn't early AGAIN and got nagged at AGAIN. getting damn pissed at all of these..



presidential elections going on now and the votes are being counted but not out yet. i'm not really watching much, just listening since the tv is on. not really too bothered, i guess.

need to study for lit and gp ): ): fuck okay i will study more tomorrow i hope. still angsty.

I HATE MY LIFE.

i think i often feel this way, as if everything's just crashing down on me and i can't take it anymore and i just want to scream my lungs out until i've got no breath left or sink down into the water like a rock and hold my breath underwater until i feel like my lungs are burning and i'm almost drowning. i guess i just want that burning feeling which makes me feel like i'm alive on this earth.

but i can't scream ): and i don't think i'll be going anywhere near a swimming pool these few months so ): actually maybe i will go swimming, just to feel better... it always cheers me up and makes me feel happier, being in the water.

okay i just tried to hold my breath for really long until i ran out of breath, but it didn't feel like anything much at all. in fact, it didn't feel very satisfying. i need a sharp pain to wake me up and make me feel alive again. is that why people cut themselves? i dunno. don't they usually do it just to replace emotional pain with physical pain? that's not exactly what i want to do. i just want to make myself feel alive and feeling again. like maybe stab myself in the heart with a knife. it would be painful but i would be able to feel it, at least.

i guess i just immerse myself in games and videos and dramas to ignore the feeling of being on earth as a person, to try to forget everything, if only momentarily. i feel like playing zoo tycoon again ): should i?

i guess that's why i cry so much, to try to relieve all of this. because i have no other way of expressing how everything is driving me past my limit, because i cannot scream or shout or punch or hit or kick or blast music or tell anyone or kill anyone or do anything drastic for that matter, so i can only cry it all out. and cry secretly only when no one else is looking because crying is not allowed as well.

either way, distracting myself or crying it out, i guess those are just my coping mechanisms, because i'm not allowed to do anything else, especially not at home. and i can't do it in school because there are other people whom i cannot project this negative feeling on because they're not the ones who have offended me. it's difficult how i cannot treat the people who make me so upset badly at home, because i mean, why not? why do i have to live with it and accept every single shit that they tell me? but i have to, because i'm living in their house and because i'm living under their rules. just thinking about it makes me upset. i hate being chained by all these things that i cannot change, things that i cannot control, and things that i HAVE to abide by.

what can i do to feel physical pain? is it so difficult? i want the feeling of a cut with blood dripping out and then putting it under water so that i can feel the pain of it. not gonna cut myself because i don't want to be another one of those emo kids either. i just need that feeling so badly right now ):



in my mum's world, everything is justified only if you have good results.
staying back late is only okay if you have good results, sleeping late is only okay if you have good results, going out is only okay if you have good results, wasting time by smsing on the phone or talking with friends or laughing with friends is only okay if you have good results, ... oh wait scratch that last one. wasting time by talking/laughing with friends is NOT okay in any situation, apparently. spending money is only okay if you have good results, watching tv is only okay if you have good results, having fun is only okay if you have good results. like WOW, AMAZING, i wonder what the rest of the world without good results do in their life, huh. basically, almost everything in her world is justified if you have good results. if it's not justified by good results, then it's not allowed at all, like having long hair [for both girls & guys] and long fringes and messy hair and wearing short shorts and piercing ears and everything else. and i really wish i could tell her how fucking screwed up her world is. _|_



i don't know why i always do things that upset myself and make myself unhappy. i always end up regretting later on.

going to school makes me so confused about things. i really don't know whether i still stand by what i said previously. i'm just getting very annoyed and confused and sometimes i wish i could just be alone for a long long time so that i don't have to face people. 'facts are so much easier to face than people.' well said.



didn't do much for the past week and i haven't started studying for prelims. in fact, pre-exam encouragement measures seem quite funny when i think about how i'm being encouraged when i haven't even started studying or feeling any stress over prelims for that matter. like lol. thanks for giving me free food and ice cream and everything even though i'm totally chill about exams and i haven't started studying (:

ohyah did i mention wednesday me and crystal were waiting for yiinghuey at high school bus stop and then mx appeared and then yh came and we boarded the bus and tingwei boarded the same bus as us LOL. actually charmaine too but she didn't really talk to us la. so anyway we spent the bus trip back talking in a group (: miss ex-fuchunians siol even though it was only an extra mx and tingwei and it's not like i don't see them often. but quite cool la (: fuchun group. then supposed to go jack's place celebrate crystal's birthday and treat her to lunch/dinner but in the end mx and tingwei came along so we all ate at jack's place and it was quite fun (: then went library with crystal and yh to study (:

thursday ate at burger shack with mark sarah zw (: hahaha had a ton of fun and then after that talked to mark and zw in school until superrr late and got scolded when i got home ): friday went to jog after school but still very cui and scared that my feet will cramp again so was quite laxing lor, then went home early for homecooked food for dinner (:

saturday was spent failing at doing work and trying to find my zoo tycoon cd after i read the animal rights gp compre. couldn't find it in the end and i was superrr upset and pissed because it's like one of my favourite games from last time ): in the end i just downloaded from the internet (: played through saturday night and sunday afternoon and only started continued work in the evening on sunday so i didn't manage to finish much work hahaha whoops (:

monday went to starbucks with kevin after school to study (: love talking to him omg and we couldn't stop talking so we didn't do a lot of work ): haha. just had a lot of things to say and i think we can't really stop talking about stuffs for too long because after a while some thought will come to one of our minds and then we'll just start talking and it's so difficult to stop after we start ): haha kevin ♥ later on after that i took the bus home and i saw kaien on the bus with some random friend who i didn't know, and they were like superrr lame and childish on the bus i swear but hahahahaha they were so funny it totally made my day (: (: i was quite happy after that (:

today went to the gym after school and was quite laxing also because i didn't want to cramp anything and i wasn't very energised anyway. quite fun today la (: mark and weichuan were there too. then took the bus home and i was happy i got a seat because i was so tired ): which means i should go sleep now because i'm quite tired now too (: goodnight! (:

okay so i thought i'd blog about people today (: [actually i really have gp homework to do but i'm just procrastinating and because blogging is more fun. hee.]

firstly, my parents. i think they're both just a little crazy and they should both learn to calm down. like seriously they just both get agitated and offended very easily and start raising their voices and i'm like screw off man y'all are just being noisy and not productive or conducive at all. i mean like, they quarrel over the most useless things ever. and i think i mentioned it before but my dad always criticizes my mum for stupid tiny little things like cooking and food and cleaning and stuffs, which is just like wtf, give her a break man. [i told my mum today that i didn't like my dad raising his voice at her and she sounded happy HAHA. just sayin'.] it's not like i really like my mum [because i don't] and i'm siding with her or anything, but it's really just stupid things that he doesn't need to sound pissed over or raise his voice at her over. it's totally unreasonable. on the other hand, my mum is just angsty and easily offended and often have totally unpredictable mood swings where she can be happy one minute and then pissed the next, or pissed one minute and suddenly okay with you the next, which is just like ?! i mean, okay, she gets pissed when we do something wrong, but sometimes we don't do anything and she gets pissed at us ANYWAY, because she's just annoyed and she releases/directs her anger at us. like wth man? we didn't even do anything! so yeah. i know this is just stupid because obviously while i'm criticizing people i know that i have my own flaws too and a random person reading this would probably be like, why don't you look at yourself first and see how you can improve before you criticize others? but yeah, that's me, yeah? maybe i should go ask people what my flaws are, and make a whole list, and then start working on improving myself (: (: sounds good. except that asking people these kinda things is sooo weird. ohwell i might try.

secondly, my brother. honestly i only thought about this when crystal asked me today if i still hated my brother. because i know i used to tell a lot of people all the time that i hated my brother to the core. i guess i haven't thought about it in very long, but deep down i've always known the answer. i will never stop hating him because i will never forgive him for what he once did. though i guess that sometimes i'm still quite okay with him and not pissed with him when he doesn't annoy me. so yeah. [and he was just being a retard just now when he tried to renew the antivirus and keyed in the product code for the OLD version of the antivirus and got annoyed when it couldn't work and made me sign in to the website to check it out. what a retard.]



seeing you makes me think of all the what-could-have-beens for myself. seeing you is like watching what my life could have been like if i had worked harder, if i had put in more effort, and then live to experience the pleasure of excelling in all aspects of life. seeing you is like seeing what my present could have been like, and it makes me upset. when i see you, i get jealous. jealous of all the things you have done and all the things that you can do, that i cannot, or that i never tried or bothered to do. i could have been just like you. if only i had tried, if only i had bothered. which is what makes me upset. but i become jealous of you, even though i have not done anything myself. merely looking at what i want so hard and so much, but never really moving forward to achieve it, to realise my dreams. i keep telling myself that you're not really that far away from me, that we're quite alike, the both of us, and that i could be like you if i wanted. but every moment that i tell myself that, i know that i'm just deceiving myself in a world of lies in order to try to make myself feel better, because with every moment that i THINK of how my life could have been like, you are WORKING your way towards what you want your life to be like, and that's the crucial difference between the both of us. that's the reason why you're up there, and i'm down here, only able to stare in wonder and watch as you keep moving forward, keep progressing, while i keep dreaming, stuck here because i refuse to take the difficult steps to get to where i want to go.

conclusion? i'm a lazy piece of shit. just a dreamer, not a worker, and i'll never be able to get to where i want to go if i stay like this. i hate myself so so so much. for everything. i hate being jealous of people yet at the same time not working hard and expecting myself to have results like them. i mean, what do i expect when i don't put in effort into anything that i do?! ugh. stupid. i suck. i suck so much and so badly that sometimes i just want to slap myself over and over again until it hurts really bad and i start crying except that IT WONT FUCKING CHANGE ANYTHING because i'll just be as useless and lazy as ever. HATE MYSELF LA.



did i mention? this is the first time that a can of potato chips has gone so long in my house without being opened. i mean, usually any junk food that appears in my house is opened in 3 days max, unless it's like a packet of chocolate in the fridge because we all know it'll be there for quite a while. [i don't really know why either.] so i find it really really strange. no one has even tried to open it! plus, a lot of the junk food in my house now are not being eaten up, which is very strange too. i think it's partly due to me because i don't seem to be eating any more junk food at home, probably because there's no time + i not hungry + i got a half sore throat. it's also partly due to my brother who doesn't seem to be eating a lot of junk food nowadays either. hm. actually it's difficult to tell. maybe he has. so it's just me?! that's strange. never knew i was the primary junk food consumer in my house.

haven't been eating much these few days. totally WEIRD. i wonder what's my weight now. though i haven't been exercising either D: AHHH. what happened to running twice a week wts! but today cannot go gym because i'm really too tired la ): okay i should go sleep soon after i'm done with gp and dao chem & bio and just study tomorrow or something. oh dear. ): i'm being such a bad student. AND it's only like 2 weeks more to prelims?!?! i. am. so. screwed. ): sadded.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

): i can't bring myself to do chem revision lecture homework.
i hate chem. ): it's just so unlovable nowadays, especially when all the topics are thrown together into one question and i'm like wtf. UGH. it's not like i didn't do work! i did, but i'm tired now and i don't wanna do work any more even though i know i should be doing it to make up for my extreme slackness for the past couple of weeks. !!! ):

been eating less than usual these few weeks, no idea why. can't decide if it's good or bad, but for now it feels more bad than good. ): no appetite siol keep throwing away all my food. i should stop doing that.

[insert: wtf if i didn't check this it wouldn't have been posted at all. and my last paragraph got erased. whats wrong with blogger today ):]

kinda forgot what else i wanted to blog about ._. lol. but anyway, junyang just started talking to me on msn. bonded through the use of vulgarities. LOL. he approves of my usage of vulgartiies hahahaha. can kinda relate to his life a bit, although i think it's sadder than mine. he reminds me a bit of kaien. like when i talk to him on msn it's the same feeling. emo and angsty kids ): which just goes to prove my point that everyone's actually pretty much feeling the same thing, just that we don't know that others feel like that too. but anyway he's quite nice to talk to hahaha never knew.

okay i should get back to chem before i get really pissed at myself.

it's raining.

in fact, it's raining really heavily, almost like some storm. the wind is so strong, the door is creaking, and the thunder makes me jump.



i can't seem to emphasize the seriousness of my previous post, but it's really over now. i'm not going to waste any more time on you, because you're not worth it. so much for everything that i've done or tried to do. but now i realise that there's no point, and that there's no way to reverse things back to the way they once were. the gap is too huge, and nothing i do will be able to repair it unless you work with me, but you won't. so it's over. after all, it was merely a dream on my part.



the rain scares me. the car alarms are beeping out of control, and every streak of white lightning makes me look out of the window. the thunder is loud, and my ears hurt.

what violent weather.

i'm scared, but there's a certain attractiveness in all of this. it's like i want it to keep raining, on and on, lightning and thunder consistent. it makes me happy watching the rain grow stronger, the inside of this house turning darker, the continuous beeping of car alarms gone wild, the wind blowing harder.

the whole depressing scenario is so exciting to me, it makes me feel happier. (:

keep raining. i want a thunderstorm. if i could sit here in the safety and security of my own house, and watch this terrible weather go on for a long, long time.

if the trees could be uprooted, and buildings fall, to let us experience such occurrences.

such beauty in horror and destruction.



goodbye.

i know i said i wasn't gonna be angsty any longer, but just this one last time.



_l_ fuck you.

so much for the past year.
i deserve better than this.
i realised that i was the one who had made a wrong choice, believed in the wrong person.
what happened to back then? you don't remember those any more, do you?
it cost me a year of memories and emotions.




no more.

friday was an uber long day. last friday we had no lit p5 lesson which meant we ended at 2pm instead of the usual 3.30pm. but yesterday we had lit p5 lesson + lit p1 makeup lesson which meant that we ended at 5pm instead of the usual 3.30pm. went to jog around the track after that but felt like shit after that thanks to my lousy tired feet which felt like cramping up again. fuck la. seriously i can't go on with this. i'd rather die than have a feet cramp phobia every time i strain myself. fuckkk.

today woke up early AGAIN and went to imm at jurong to study at the coffee club (: rawr they gave me pancakes instead of waffles which i asked for ): studied for math test and then worked on the revision package which kinda made me quite proud of myself because i usually don't do revision packages. and i have neverrr ever done extra revision questions for a math test in my life. ohmygawd. ohwell it's kinda part of studying for prelims though, so it's fine i guess. then after that walked around and ate lunch at aoba hokkaido ramen where there was oko (: (: wasn't feeling very hungry though, so i just koped food. sorry! ): but the food was plain and simple and nice (:

then went for the stem cells symposium at science centre and it was okay but definitely less exciting than i expected it to be. the first one was nothing new, second and third were a bit more interesting, but then the last one was kinda sian. and the stuffs they gave were like for little kids ohmygawd. ohwell it was okay i guess but could be better. then took the refreshments and left rather in a rush. walked back to the mrt and ! i saw nice clothes on the way back + this place which looked like they had nice and yummy ice cream (:

oh and i kinda miss that hwachong alumni dude we met on the bus that day.

line of the week: 'is she your girlfriend?'
lol totally wtf sia.



actually, often people who emo always think that they're the most unhappy person on earth and that no one can understand them. sometimes that true i guess, but it's definitely not true all the time. everyone experiences ups and downs at different points in their lives, and it's really just how we cope with it and deal with it. but honestly, if 2 people emo for the same reason and 1 of them chooses to commit suicide, is there much of a difference between the 2 people? i really don't think so. in fact sometimes it feels like i'm so close to breaking, and i feel like i can truly understand how these people who commit suicide feel, without any roads out of their problems. there's little difference between those 2 people, and it's really just depends on the way we handle things.

so all that i'd like to say is that perhaps we never knew, but a random schoolmate or a random guy on the street could be people who have experienced the same things as us, and i think these are reasons to make us realise that we're really not alone in this world. yes, truth be said, people don't often share their problems easily, so how would we know that there is actually someone else out there who can understand our feelings, our emoness? but imagine, out of the billions of people in the world, do you really think that no one else has gone through what you have, and that no one else can understand your plight and your situation, and perhaps even, if you're thinking of killing yourself, do you think that perhaps there might have been someone out there who had already done that because of the very same reasons, or even people out there who had gritted their teeth and pulled through the very same situation that you are in? it's inevitable to feel that we're alone in the world sometimes with no one who truly understands us. but doesn't everyone feel that way? we're definitely not as alone as we might have thought we were.

which, i guess, also just goes to tell us that we're not as special as we think we are, because all that we've experienced is nothing new, really.

but anyway, i'm gonna try to stop emoing and being sad, because what's the point if you know that this happens to everyone, and everyone's somehow able to deal with it in the end?



this year, i have been extremely grateful to have realised that i had such wonderful friends around me. of course, i would also have liked to add that they love me a lot, but humans, being insecure, often find it difficult to believe that of others, [or perhaps it's just me.] so i wouldn't dare to make such a statement. but what i can be sure of is that i love them and i want to thank them for all the wonderful times that i've had with them especially during these couple of months. i've heard that it's rare to find friends like these as you grow older, because people become more guarded and don't open their hearts as easily, but i have to admit that hwachong has truly been a place that i love and treasure, and i'm also glad to have found such friends here. thank you for everything that you guys have done for me ♥ you guys have made me really happy these few months (: (: (: and take care of yourselves luh! tskk.






i can't believe i still feel like this even after so long, but

i've got no guts to even do this. fuck this.

): ): ):
shucks.
damn lot of things going on recently.
i really don't know what i can do to make everyone feel better ):
especially my good friends.
): ): ):
at least i don't feel as crappy as i did during my previous post.

was talking to tamaryn today and shared a bit of what i was feeling. she said it was natural for people to feel this way, except that usually people don't really think about it that much, and that perhaps thinking about it too much wasn't very good because it would make me 胡思乱想 and start thinking about a lot of ridiculous things. honestly, i don't think that my ideas and reasons for my behaviour are ridiculous, but perhaps she's right that i might just be thinking too much into it.

i also decided that i will try to stop feeling so fucked up because i don't think it's right for me to feel that way when there are people who are in greater need than me, and i definitely don't want anyone to be concerned over me instead of themselves just because i'm being an angsty shit. so yeah, time to forget all that crap i wrote previously and start thinking about helping my friends.

ALL MY FRIENDS ARE SO SAD. i can't stand it. like walao eh what is this sia. ):

the worst thing is knowing that you can't help them. ):



did i mention that i love tumblr? (:

and i can't believe tomorrow is ms liew's last day teaching us. kinda fast, don't you think. ohwell. it's not like i usually have much affection to teachers, but i'm not that unfeeling a person either. thankyou ms liew for everything so far ♥ i hope tomorrow will be a good day for her.



hope that you're happier now, even if it's just by a tiny bit.

i feel sad ): veryvery sad ): i don't really know why either. i just feel like crying veryvery much now. i really really don't know why. just everything hitting me at once i guess.

i'm just gonna say everything that i want to say very honestly in this post right now and hope very hard that nothing awkward happens after that. because i just really need to let all this out and maybe i'll feel better after that.



firstly, well these few days have been kinda hard on my friends i guess. somehow a lot of things are happening at once to all my good friends and honestly i don't really know what to do. perhaps it's because i really don't know how i can help them, and in some cases i don't even know what's going on. and anyway, as much as i want to do something for them, what's there that i can do, really? even though i can usually understand how it feels like to be in their place, i don't know how to handle situations like this and i don't know how to make them feel better, because it's not like a couple of words can do the job. the only thing i suppose i can do is try to make them smile or laugh, but what's the point if it doesn't exactly help? i want to be a good friend but i can't, because i don't know how.

the other thing which is harder to express is the fact that sometimes, amidst all this shit that happens to other people, i actually yearn to be one of them, in their place, experiencing all that shit. not in a good way. more because i want that attention, and i just want to be noticed. so maybe i think that having shit thrown at me and having people pity me is a good way to be noticed. well, yeah, i know that's screwed up, but yknow, i just think that way and i continue to do so even though i know that it's not right.

what i especially hate about these thoughts are that, when i think like that, i don't seem to be thinking for others at all, and that makes me feel damn fucked up. i can't believe myself either. that i can actually hope to be like them, when i don't even know the pain that they have to go through, which is probably so much more than what i face. and i bet that if they knew that was what i thought, they'd be like, why don't you try it for yourself, in a scornful tone probably. i don't know why i'm thinking this way either, but i just feel like crap when i do, and i really don't want to continue thinking this way, but i really really can't help it and it makes me veryvery sad knowing that i'm such a screwed up piece of shit.

what i don't get, is that, even though i think like that, when i'm thinking about, say, getting a present for my friend to make them happy, i actually think about really making them happy and making them smile and laugh, and thinking about that honestly makes me happy as well. which doesn't seem to make sense when you read the previous paragraph. i don't get myself either. i really don't.

okay i need to stop crying and being such a wimp. gosh.



ohyeah besides that, i also [i'm saying this for the nth time.] know that i've been a very spoilt and pampered kid even though it doesn't feel that way at home, and i apologise for my inconsiderate actions and behaviour. but honestly, i get unhappy easily when things don't go the way i want them to, and i guess i'm often unhappy with my friends too, especially when they make decisions that go against what i want. i need to learn to be more gracious and understanding and stop being such a spoilt brat. this is extremely important when others are in worse situations than me because i should think of them first and not myself. so yeah, i will try, even though i have to admit that i find that extremely difficult to do ):

i guess i just want attention and love and care being showered on me all the time just like some stupid little kid who thinks that the world revolves around her and no one else. ugh.



went to the library today to study with yiinghuey. crystal came for a while then went back home because she was tired. i was quite tired too and fell asleep there and ended up not doing much work. ate lunch at jack's place and then went shopping in the evening/night around 7+ to 8, before my brother came and we went to popular to buy stuffs and took the bus home. on top of not doing much work, i also didn't find any nice stuffs to buy and my brother also managed to annoy me so yeah. not that i was very unhappy. i was okay i guess.

my brother starts school tomorrow. i can't believe it. another 4 - 5 years of living in this house with my entire family, with all this shit that i don't want to put up with any longer. have i ever mentioned that sometimes i just hope for people to die quickly? i'm not kidding. [sorry i know it's kinda like a sensitive topic now.] i don't exactly have a compassionate heart, i guess. not exactly to my family, at least. for me, compassion only goes out to my friends i think. so i guess i might attempt to stay in a boarding school or somewhere else because i really don't know if i can hold out here for another 4 more years. [oh look, my mum just came along and complained about me always talking to people online. fuck.]



still, how is it possible for so many things to happen so close together at a time? i don't get it. is it just me? because i'm not exposed to this sort of shit? is this what the 'real world' is like? i mean, sure, i was prepared and ready for this. i think i'm mature enough to handle all this, and i was expecting all these already, that's why i wasn't really shocked when i heard all the stuffs. i just didn't think that all these things could happen in such a short period of time to so many people so close to me. feels kinda overwhelming, yknow.

okay forget it i have no idea what i'm talking about.

i still feel like some fucked up piece of shit. fuckkkkk.



school tomorrow i should go sleep now and wake up tomorrow feeling better [if i don't start thinking about all this again. which might not be possible. though i can always hope.] (: seeya.

thinking about things just sort of made me think that maybe there's not a lot of difference between a friendship and a relationship after all. in fact, i think it's getting harder to tell the difference. they both require commitment and dedication and a whole lot of effort and time.

OMG okay i got to sleep soon. waking up early tomorrow morning to go library to study with yiinghuey. think i might go shopping in the afternoon (:

okay so i'm just gonna try veryvery hard to ignore the fact that i'm a damn screwed up friend, and get on with my life and work especially because i have a damn lot of work to do ):

i'm so effing screwed up i really really really suck.

it's late and i'm really sleepy but i needed to get this out.



firstly, i'm guess i'm just a kinda screwed up friend because i expect a lot from my closer friends especially if i put in a lot of time and effort on them, and more importantly, because i get jealous of their close friends. which is just damn screwed up to me and makes me feel like shit every time i feel like that because it's like i'm hating without even a good reason. yeah.

secondly, i think having a group of friends is more difficult that having just one friend, because of all the complicated interlinked wires of friendships that make things difficult for everyone. personally i don't think i can do this.



already very excited about prom and getting a room with my friends (: (: (: yayeee we're gonna have so much fun! :D and i decided what colour dress i'm gonna get for prom already (: i just haven't found it yet ): saddd. and i think it'll be quite difficult to find too ): ohwell. i will look hard!

back to studying tomorrow ): and SLEEP NOW OMG I'M SO DAMN TIRED.

so today was a good day!!! :D

had national day celebrations in school which was not very high but okay la. i remembered i sort of skipped last year's. [a lot has changed since then. i still remember who i skipped it with last year.] it wasnt too bad and then after that we sat at bench watching some people try to whack the pinayata [is that how you spell it?] while mark tried to call zhiwei to ask if she could join us, though she didn't in the end.

then left from high school side with mark sarah and suat, then took the bus with mark and sarah to ion orchard and we went shopping there (: then ate lunch at swensens and shopped some more and then took mrt to promenade station and walked to marina bay sands [mbs] and then walked around some more before we finally sat down at the coffee bean [a higher class version of it] and then sat along the water outside mbs opposite the marina bay floating platform to talk. omg and leon texted me today to talk!! <3 haha very long never talk to him already and i didnt really want to ask him about his results for a's since it might be a sensitive topic so yeah. but yupp quite fun talking to him and apparently he was there doing ndp stuff but i didnt go see cos he said you needed to get a pass to get into the place and he couldnt leave either. ): after that we walked across the bridge next to mbs and to marina square, shopped a bit more, and then decided that we had to eat something anyway even though we were all quite full so we went to justacia to have dinner, before finally heading home.

basically we spent the whole day walking and eating and talking [especially sitting on the comfy seats in random shoe shops and talking] and just enjoying ourselves a lot. (: i really enjoyed myself today <333 THANKS! (: bros for life <3

i like being happy. i like laughing. i like to feel like someone actually appreciates my existence. (:

i like the feeling of being loved (:

omggg i don't know what's wrong with me.



pretty much slacked a whole lot on saturday and only did the bio planning practice which took me like 246504791 hours to complete. spent the night stalking linkin park on the internet, sparked by seantan asking me to intro him to new songs and saying that he wants songs like rolling in the deep but that there was no guy version and i showed him the linkin park one by chester bennington and he was like yeah that was good and he saw it already and then i was just telling him how awesome linkin park was and then i went to see if i could find a non-live version of rolling in the deep by chester which somehow linked me to all the LP stuffs. and omg i really really ♥ linkin park. they are just so god damn awesome. i love them and their music.

and i especially love chester who is AMAZING. i think i'll tell kevin about this when i see him in school, it'll be nice to let him know (: because like, i sort of realised only now that chester has a wife [i usually don't stalk because i think hearing their music is enough to make me happy] and an ex-wife and a previous relationship before that. so his first relationship he had 2 sons [one adopted i think], and with his ex-wife he had one son, and with his current wife he also has a son. and the really amazing thing about it is that they're like this huge big happy family that goes out together during vacations and stuffs with all 3 moms and all their kids, including mom 1 [aka his first relationship]'s kids that she had with her new husband [i think they have 2?] who aren't exactly related to chester, and all the 3 moms are really good friends and they keep in contact and the moms act as stepmoms to all the other kids who are not theirs and they treat all of them really good and love them a lot too. like ohmygawd. seriously. that is like, the biggest happiest family that i've everrr heard of. which has only led me to respect chester even more for being able to sustain this kind of huge big family which are all related through him. and mom 1 can even tell his current wife to 'kiss chester and tyler [their son] for me' which is like whoa seriously. to me, it shows that his current wife doesn't get jealous or anything, plus his wife thinks its sweet to see him with all the kids and their moms, and the moms call each other 'besties' and there's like no tension or anything between them and their kids even stay over at each other's place often which is just amaaaazing. add that to the fact that chester only chased his current wife AFTER he had divorced his ex-wife and that he loves his current wife a ton but still cares about his ex-wife and the woman from his previous relationship and all their kids, and i think this is seriously the happiest family i've heard of EVER. seriously. his kids are so freaking lucky! not only do they get one of the coolest rockstars as their dad who is serious about his relationship and who takes responsibility, they also get a huge happy family with not just a mom, but stepmoms who love them. gosh. this is like. a cinderella story turned miracle.

knowing that such a family can even exist in what i once thought was a cruel world, has changed my opinion of the world.



at the same time, i also spent the night fretting over SATs. decided to take the subject tests in october. it's on 1st october which is like 5 days after the end of prelims. sounds hiong huh. lol. not really la, since it's subject tests so studying for prelims would give me some help. honestly i don't really know why i'm taking it, because it's not like i'm planning to go to overseas, but even more honestly, i don't really know what i want right now so i think it's entirely possible that i decide to accept a scholarship [if i get offered one] and go overseas in the future. and my brother said that there was no point taking the reasoning test if i didn't take the subject tests because no US university would accept you without it, so i thought i'd just take it and it wouldn't be a loss or anything. so yepp. that's my decision.



i still haven't started studying for prelims though.

spent today doing chem homework and i think i might do gp later after dinner. today morning when i woke up one of the first things i was thinking about is my friend whom i hope can make it back to singapore and to school on monday :/ i really don't know, but i was really really looking forward to monday so just been hoping really hard. ohh -insert received update- AHHH YOU ASS. still dare to text me about retard things like people pissing you off huh! come back to singapore liao don't text. TSK.

okay LOL my mum is so funny. i just became a fashion adviser for my brother LOL cos my mum ask me what socks he should wear to match his shoes & pants & shirt. hahaha. funny siol.

-edited insert- OHYES i forgot. what was troubling me today was that my mum went to repair my watch cos the strap thing broke and they had to change the entire strap so now my watch looks like shit! ): the new strap doesnt match it at all and it just looks so weird and cut off, like its 2 separate entities ): i hate this ): ): i was veryvery upset but i cant throw tantrums or anything so yeah ): my mum already said i was very fussy. i'd rather use my old strap and just use a rubber band to replace the strap thing, but it's too late now because they took the old strap so i cant have it fixed back anymore ): ): ): i hate this. -end of insert- AND I'M STILL VERY UPSET ):

okay i hope tomorrow will be a good day! (:

just wondering what i'm working so hard for, because at the end of the day, this ain't gonna get me anywhere that i want to go.

no matter how hard i work, i know there's a limit to my intelligence, there's a limit to my perseverance, and there's a limit to the money available to me. even if i work hard, i won't be able to do well, and even if i do well, who can guarantee that i'll be able to get to where i want to go?

so what's the point of working so hard and trying to do well when you know that in the end, nothing's going to turn out the way you want it to?

ohmygawd i was supposed to run today but i was so freaking cui and i ran so damn little that i think it didn't help at all and i think starting from next week i'm going to run twice a week since i can't seem to run much anyway rawrrr.

today was a not bad day (: chem tutorial was quite funny and then we took videos with ms liew after that and gave her this reallyyy cute crocodile soft toy as a present, bio lecture with mrs foo was funny as usual, though i was a bit sleepy during the video on golden rice =x, bio tutorial was the usual, and we had no lit tutorial! (: (: after that went to help the juniors do some pw trial where they took photos of us picking up litter and we got to draw on the floor with chalk and got rewarded with m&ms after that (: then after that went to run [very fail-ly] and then came back to bench and victoria gave me her kitkat (: and then just kinda talked to jastine a bit before she went for cca (: very long never talk to her too! and then went to island creamery with mark and ate mudpie and koped a bit of his apple pie and black forest ice cream and talked for superrr long and it felt really nice (: (: ♥ we were just talking about a lot a lot of stuffs i don't think it was considered a heart to heart talk but just about random things and stuffs, and the place was really empty and the atmosphere was nice like the music and everything and i don't know, i just really didn't want to leave. just wanted to keep talking lor ): sighhh. so anyway after spending about almost 2 hours there we finally left and i took the bus home in the huge jam which started at 5pm.

anyway, i have no idea what to wear on national day, because i wanted to wear shorts ): ugh. maybe i'll just wear school uniform and then change afterwards. but that's so troublesome ): ): maybe i'll just wear knee length pants and change to shorts afterwards. rawrrrr. ): what is wrong with the worlddd. oh and i need to buy another pair of slippers soon.

i realised that sometimes i don't seem to trust my friends and i'll be suspicious of them when i wonder if they're telling the truth or not. after all, people do have a tendency to trust their closer friends more, especially blindly trusting them which might not be such a good idea. i don't know whether i can trust people, especially when they do things that make me distrust them. i wonder if it's just me being overly suspicious. i hope not.

okay i think i'll go sleep now. TIRED. and then wake up tomorrow to start doing work. i think i really have to start studying for prelims already. must make use of this long holiday to start on something.

haha omg i just did this quick blogpost plan so that i know what to blog about. reminded me terribly of gp. gosh. will try to make this quick because i still need to do chem planning and then sleep early today because i'm so tired because i've been sleeping at 1am for the past 2 days T_T



anyway, zhiwei came back to school today! (: haha had a lot of fun talking to her and stuffs. she's so crazily high (: but somehow later on as i was going home it just kind of struck me, how everyone's so concerned about her because she hasn't been to school for so long. and i guess it must suck being in that position but somehow i just couldn't help thinking, if i was absent for so long, would people care? well, i guess my closer friends would, but the rest of the class? how do you tell if they're truly concerned or just asking you if you're okay because it's a societal expectation that requires them to do so? there was one time in stnicks that i wasn't feeling well once and this whole bunch of people in my class came over to me in ones or bunches to ask if i was alright, and it just gave me this feeling that they weren't being very sincere, considering that i wasn't even good friends with them. perhaps i feel that people who aren't close to you aren't in the position to care about you, because they usually won't even give a hoot about you, so i naturally suspect that all that they're doing when they ask you if you're okay, is just fake actions which have been practised into habit in society today. i wonder if that's true or if it's just misjudgement and oversuspicion on my part. it sounds plausible to me though.

i guess all that that says about me is that i'm just insecure about myself. i hate this feeling of insecurity which makes me feel so... noob. lousy. crappyish. not like i don't know it already. was just reminded of it once again. how do you stop yourself from feeling so insecure and worthless and unimportant?



also, these few days i've been feeling the need to talk to someone about my issues. mainly just frustration at my family caused by my results. and just my unhappiness in general. i was strongly reminded of ms liew, who offered to talk to me once and whose offer stuck in my head. i remember ms ho also offered a listening ear once to me earlier in the year, but i wouldn't talk to her about my problems. i might have to ms liew, but i was considering and i ended up deciding not to go anyway, partly because she's leaving soon and there's little point in troubling her with something that she cannot help me with anyway, and partly still because of the same old reason that i don't trust adults enough to tell them about things like these. not even the counsellor whom i saw before. anyway i didn't really like her and she didn't really help me much. so basically i just really want someone to talk to, but there's no one around and there's no point trying to find anyone because it must be difficult for such a person to exist.



i also decided that i expect of my close friends a dedicated and steadfast loyalty that i will return. and definitely no pangseh-ing. [i've been pangseh-ed by regina for yale-nus college talk and by sarah for stem cell symposium], so no leaving anyone behind. by those definitions i'd say that my new gang of friends are not true friends yet. ._. sigh.

i guess if i were to be represented by an animal, it would be an attention-seeking dog or puppy that has to be pampered and showered with love.



i really don't like hating other people.


cute teachers ftw ( : <3 haha like wilks and foo (: yayeee they make me happy.

talked to kaien just now (: (:it's been a long while since i last talked to him (: made me a bit happier (:

okayyy damn tired and sleepy now i think i won't do chem planning after all just gonna sleep cos i'm soooo tired ): goodnight! (:

monday was okay i think.

tuesday i went gym and became super cui again and my foot muscle even cramped on my 3rd or 4th try jumping standing broad jump which made me quite upset and tensed after that for fear of a second bout of foot cramp ): but wahahaha i can jump ~175m successfully now :D :D :D happaye. I WANT NAPFA NEXT YEAR THEN I WILL PASS WITH FLYING COLOURS! ): sighhh. would have gymed and trained last year if not for cca and all the tiring shit which left me no time to go gym on top of all my other stuffs. so sad though cos napfa's over now so no more chances of proving myself ): at least i got a gold.

today stayed in school doing a bit of work before meeting yiinghuey and going to eat at yoshinoya and then going to starbucks to study. yiinghuey says she always see hwachong people there o.o waow. but i saw jinghui there! haha cool sia. didn't know she always study there - yiinghuey says so. did work very guai-ly and left ~9.15pm to go home. i should go library/starbucks to study more often (: (:

ohyah tuesday also had my first lit lecture after that scolding and before the day started i was actually quite scared that i'd fall asleep again so i spammed coffee after pe/during break/2 hours before lit lecture which i was hoping very hard would help. i can't really tell if it did, but it might have. maybe it has more caffeine than my house coffee, which allowed me to fall asleep an hour after drinking it. lol. shall just keep up with the coffee spam i guess. just a few more weeks of this torture and living in constant fear (:

my mum asked for my results yesterday so i just decided to tell her all the rest overall and she wasn't very happy and she told my dad who wasn't very happy either and said something along the lines of us not listening to his advice and to leave us alone and we'll become macdonald kids next time. i don't know if it was us or me but he was annoyed at my brother as well [these few days] so i guess he meant the both of us. i was quite insulted/upset after that. cried a bit but whatever, not worth crying over parents.

was so damn guai last night i did my chem rev lect homework until i finally completed it at 1am even though it wasn't even due today. wth right.

i suspect i'm at my guai peak these few days/weeks/months? because i've been so guai and doing my homework and all in advance and stuffs and constantly trying to catch up [even though i still don't really listen during lessons lol.] which is rather 难得. goshhh. but no, obviously no one recognises that except myself so i won't get any form of approval or praise for it. it's not like i'm expecting anything from people, but it's just that i want more things besides the mere feeling of satisfaction when i complete my homework, which is not a lot though i suppose it can keep me going for some time. no one recognises that this is probably the guai-est i've been in the past ~8 years of my life. sadded ):

OKAY LA seriously damn tired i can't think straight shall go sleep first blog more next time (: seeya