wilks gave us a briefing on our GP papers today. it was the most entertaining highlight of the day (: he gave an amazing storytelling session on 2 stories that he likened his plight to when he marked our essays, one being nimrod and the other being dante virgil and the nine circles of hell. later on he said something like '...facile arguments,' [i smile to myself] 'trite remarks,' [i stifle my urge to laugh], 'and basically complete waffle' LOL. my entire class laughed upon hearing 'waffle', which is wilks' favourite word of all time to describe our lack of content in our essays. all the other classes were staring at us but HAHAHA WHO CARES wilks is only the most amazing and epic teacher ever in his ability to use the most sophisticated words to criticize and degrade people. i was laughing at all the cheem words that he was using and it was just so amusing [not to mention satisfying] hearing him say that to a dozen other classes who have probably never experienced such a thing before (: HAHA. I ♥ MY GP TEACHER (: and i am very thankful for having him teach us this year and making our time so enjoyable because it's not everyday that you get awesome teachers. i'm sorry for sleeping in all his earlier classes at the start of the year but that was because he used to be boring hehe but now he's just amazing and i really love him a lot i must remember to thank him at the end of all this a level shit. (: his briefing in the morning totally made my day and made me rather happy for the rest of the day (: wilks: the most entertaining teacher everrr. (:

okay need to study for SAT now i realised there's actually quite a fair bit to study =x but hopefully i magically do very well hehe (: after saturday i will be a relatively free-er person (:

this morning i dreamt that i killed someone =x

i had this whole series of dreams that were very strange, including playing the violin.

there was once when my mum/brother [a family member anyway] i think was looking for a vial of purple liquid that was very important to collect more purple liquid in this mixture of liquids that had red blue white and some purple liquids mixed inside a transparent solution of perhaps water. i was watching over the liquid mixture while they searched for the vial, and then the red and blue parts were these circular lines and they starting replicating like DNA and i was like wtf since when can liquid replicate like DNA so i told my mum to hurry find the purple vial to collect the little purple liquid before all the red and blue fill up the mixture but the vial wasn't found and the bowl of mixture of liquids was like messy red and blue by the time my mum came over when she finally believed me that the things were replicating and she needed to hurry find the vial. but after that it stopped replicating and apparently my brother said he programmed it to stop replicating and i was like wtf and we were being sarcastic to each other as usual, he talking about how he's very pro. sigh.

later on i had a couple of dreams [like episodes] about youths and alcohol and drugs and gangsters. it was just this kinda scary atmosphere where you couldn't afford to offend anyone because they might be violent or something and hunt you down after that.

then there was this basketball game with little boys/students vs grown up guys and they were filming it but it was a lousy filming because the players kept missing the hoop even though they tried really hard to score so the producer/director was quite annoyed and by the time they did get a hoop through, the rest of the students had gone off because they had school/lessons and the director was putting the blame on the lead actor/student who kept missing the shots.

after that it went back to the gangs drugs alcohol dark atmosphere and i was a guy character and i offended this big and scary guy but my character, even though he was a rather big guy as well, was a wimp, so he started running away in case the other guy started chasing him, which he did. so i was running until the other guy caught up and somehow i had a knife and because i felt scared that he might kill me, i stabbed him with the knife to protect myself. i gave him a total of 2 stabs in the stomach area and 3 through the mouth. before the last stab through the mouth he was already bleeding from the mouth and i felt quite disgusted by the blood so i didn't want to stab him anymore, but he pleaded with me and asked me to finish him off and kill him, so from a victim, i suddenly became the culprit/criminal/murderer. when i stabbed him through the mouth the last time, i could see the pain in his eyes and i felt guilty for killing him.

strange dreams huh. i don't remember ever killing anyone in my dreams that vividly before. hmm.



finished doing the math SAT paper and i was so bored and tired after that. at least it was only 50 questions though. bio 80 questions and chem 85 questions ohmygawd T.T depressing sia.

omfg. the wind is effing crazy. like i could suddenly hear the super strong wind blowing everything away and outside it's super cold and windy and my dad was pointing out to me all the trees outside swaying like crazy plus random small objects flying around and i really seldom see this happening. i bet if i stood on the pavement downstairs i would get blown away. it's really damn strong wind, even the windows and doors are shaking, it's really unsettling. reminds me of the tree in school that got uprooted. omg hahaha i can imagine that there's gonna be a hurricane or tornado [i still don't know the difference] and we're all gonna die. then the newspapers will be of a natural disaster hitting singapore for the first time. HAHA. so exciting and thrilling but so scary! rawr okay i hope there's no hurricane i don't want to die yet.

anyway, back to my blogpost proper.

i've been meaning to say this for ages, but dramas and computer games and reading books have taught me a few things in life, like that i can do almost anything if i tried and that i should stop wasting my life away watching stupid dramas and playing games. though they usually don't work because i always get depressed again and turn back to dramas. it's like an addiction. ):

but there was this line in this drama [恶魔在身边] that i always think of nowadays. there was this couple and the boyfriend was talking to another of his friend who was having problems with his own girlfriend, and he was telling his friend that the way he does it is that he makes it a point to express his love to his girlfriend occasionally so that she doesn't pms or go crazy or anything. and that advice just keeps appearing in my head nowadays, because it's meaningful and true for friendships as well. so nowadays i make it an effort to express my love a bit more directly and more often to my friends, to let them know that i love them too, because often my friends are always the ones expressing their love for me but i seldom do the same for them.

to add on to this point, regina gave me this book called 'tuesdays with morrie' [thankyou! ♥] that she said was supposed to be my christmas present or something haha and i just finished reading it a while ago, and it's really very good. it's like a reminder of a lot of my principles in life and served to strengthen that message i guess. most of the things i already know, but of course i don't exactly practice them all the time. it also added on a bit to what i believe in, i guess. it made me a bit happier and a bit sad.



okay i'm serious maybe there's gonna be a hurricane or something. though my dad says it won't happen to singapore and hurricanes are worse than this. i suppose that's probably true. i guess at most i'll wake up in the morning to find a couple more uprooted trees.



ohyeah sunday night watched linkin park on tv after the f1 race. wahahaha it was really damn awesome.

i shall copy and paste my fb status here: OMFG LINKIN PARK ♥♥♥ when chester & mike were wearing sunglasses at first i was like T.T but they took them off later on! :D first time seeing chester play guitar! and they censored the f word like a gazillion times HAHA. OMFG I WISH I WAS THERE. they are just so goddamn awesome! T.T

and like chester was wearing a jacket as well but he took it off later on too, so he was just wearing this tank top and after the performance i think he was sweating like crazy or something but he just took off his shirt and threw it at the audience and when he walked backstage someone threw a towel over him LOL. and chester jumping all over the stage is so cute HAHAHA he looks like a hyper little kid or something. i can never understand how he jumps around like crazy but still have so much breath to sing and scream and he can sing WHILE jumping in between each word or something hahahaha nutter sia. but damn good (: it's on my dvd recorder now haha yaye (:



monday after bio paper i hung around with sarah for a while in school until mark was done running then went for lunch at the jap foodcourt at northpoint (: talked a lot and stuffs too it was quite awesome (: ♥ then sarah had to go off for tuition and mark went to watch movie. after a lot of indecisiveness i finally made the right choice for myself by following my original plan to go to woodlands library to do homework/study. proud of myself (: i usually lack discipline plus mark was asking me to go watch movie which was kinda tempting but i managed to persuade myself to go study because it was good for me! waow. i'm amazed at myself HAHA (: did math for the entire afternoon [damn long], bought dinner from yoshinoya, then went home. popular didn't have black pen refills for my .38 pen cos there was no stock wth ): sadded.

today i woke up early and studied in the morning then went to eat lunch with awesome peeps and then walked all around town window shopping and stoning at random places to rest. so fun! ♥ after a's we can do this everyday or something HAHA (: basically i didn't do much today =x haha.

tomorrow i shall stay at home and study hard. last break day before lessons start again on thursday! ): sighhh.

omfg it's almost 1am liao. i should sleep and wake up early tomorrow to do work instead of trying to chiong any work now right.. =x sighhh ): time flies ):

): sad again. i always seem to be sad nowadays don't i. :/ anyway i was doing asking my brother about math just now because i thought perhaps if he could explain everything to me that i could give math revision lecture a pass if i already knew how to do everything. well it just got really frustrating, not because of my brother this time, because he was honestly quite okay, but just because i felt extremely annoyed and frustrated that i couldn't do the questions and i didn't understand them even after my brother explained them to me and i just felt so goddamn stupid and it's one of the worst feelings in the world, feeling stupid. it makes you very upset and depressed and demoralised about yourself when you know you're stupid. everyone thinks my math is good and i suppose maybe it's better than average but so what, in the end when you don't know how to do a question it's still the same feeling over again of stupidity, of ignorance, of lack of knowledge. and i don't think knowing how to do a few more questions make me smarter than everyone else, because i always feel stupid all the time when i can't solve questions. i dunno. i cried my eyes out again just now and now they're kinda reddish ): i need to stop crying like some little kid it's not good.

sleepy now ): shall talk about other things another day i guess. yawnnn.

linkinpark live on tv later at 12am! ♥

shall study like a good girl until then.

i haven't studied much ): yesterday was slack day spent the whole day playing sims3 (: hehe. today sighhh i just don't feel in the mood anymore. feel like crying again ): rawrr. i don't even know what's upsetting me exactly i just know that i feel upset. i guess it's a combination of a lot of things building up. i wanna do things that i like ):

i always get very stressed when my mum nags at me. my stomach will just sink and sometimes i break out into cold sweat and stuffs. sighh ): i hate the feeling. she doesn't even have to nag very hard to make me feel that way, just as long as she starts nagging, i start to feel awful. a bit like i'm sick. ): hate her la wth.

today afternoon was amazingly warm/hot compared to the past few days. gosh the weather is going crazy which means that the world's gonna die soon. chem paper 1 was over very soon and i went home after that. omggg all the woodlands peeps in 961 today :D ♥ hahaha like regina cryst mx and even kaien and tamaryn LOL sorry she's not a woodlander she's just a random crasher. kaien also not woodlander haha i think he going library or grandmother's house or something? not sure haha didn't ask. don't think he even saw me on the bus hahaha. ohh today morning-ish i took the bus then met mx on the bus and when we were reaching school apparently no one pressed the bell [there were 2 other hwachong students so 4 of us in total] and the bus driver drove past the bus stop. LOL. we were all like lol wth .__. so stopped opposite coro and had to walk back to school. lucky the walk didn't seem very long especially since mx walk quite fast de lol.

when i got home today i tried studying bio, failed because i was very sleepy, slept for about an hour, then went out to run (: hehe. i walked up the hill today though ): i was supposed to jog up. gahh forgot. walk up got no kick and no strain on my muscles at all siannn next time must jog up. rawrr. i ♥ woodlands hill it's my childhood and a place that makes me feel at peace. the dark areas filled with trees and perhaps hidden animals on the way up are a bit intimidating but i love the air and i like it when i walk up right to the top and look down at the ulu place on that side of the hill because it's always so peaceful and quiet with only grass and rocks and trees around me ♥ [though of course it can be quite scary at night but i don't really go there at night so yeah.] i miss going jogging with my dad then jogging up the hill. i miss watching the sunrise/sunset from the top of the hill. when i was walking down today i was thinking about that one time when we all went up the hill with a mat/poncho as a family and sat down on the grass in the middle of nowhere just to watch the sunset and take photos (: i also remember my dad teaching me how to take photos with half-lit faces by letting one side of the person be lit by the sun while the sun was setting. so many memories ): sigh. felt better after running anyway (:

yayeee one more paper (:

i feel like playing sims!! ): rawrrr. i miss making the people cheat on their partners HAHA :D very exciting hahahahaha :D i think i might go play :D need to study bio though ): howww. and it's so late now and i'm kinda tired too. i doubt i'll have much time to play sims :/ HOW. D: i guess i'll go play until i feel sleepy.. there's no nice games on this laptop! rawrr! ):

fuckk.
scroll through the list as dismay overwhelms.
there's no one left in this world.
not one person who could make me smile again.
tears form, but there are people around, so i cannot let them fall.
curl my lips to fake a smile.
a lie.



as you can seem from -peers up-, i was feeling pretty shitty yesterday. didn't have time to blog yesterday though. i was so damn tired i just fell asleep while studying pnc around 11pm which was like wow, because i haven't fallen asleep while studying in quite a while.. then woke up today still feeling damn tired and i slept while standing in the bus to school. was still tired after that ): i want more sleep! can i go on strike or something i really want more sleep ):


rawrrr yaye only 2 more mcq papers left (: the worst is pretty much over i guess. though actually that's not true, cos after prelims it's just back to studying ): rawrr. i miss peeple ): i don't really know who i miss actually. sigh. no one, i guess. i really got no friends to talk to about shiz. i know how i often say that my class i awesome and stuff, and that i'd be sad if i don't see them, and i suppose it's true when i'm happy, but when i'm troubled then i'm happy when holidays come because i don't have to see people and i always wish that i don't have to see them again. the pretentiousness of it all. sigh. okay i don't really know what i'm talking about haha.

i hate you.

RAWR okay i'm just fucking pissed that i've got absolutely NO ONE to talk to about all this shit in my life these few days [no please not exams why would i want to talk to anyone about exams -roll eyes-] which probably explains my angst and anger and pent up resentment. i don't get why i can't even find a single person to talk to about this! UGH.



okay i should just stop thinking about this so much [since i got no one to tell anything to anyway] and go do my work. rawrrr chem ): did i mention that the weather nowadays is damnnnnn cold? ): i don't even know why people wanna go air con places to study ):

rawrrr.

these few days i'm getting vague deep feelings of happiness and sadness and i don't know what emotions but just feeling them deep in my heart for no specific reason. kinda strange right? nah it always happens to me haha (: basically life's not really that good these couple of days cos exams are boring shit and studying all that is boring shit and i'm like freaking slack because i go out to study with friends, but i can always be happy when i want to even if life sucks so that's not exactly a problem i guess. except that my vague feeling of sadness seems rather contradictory to my vague feeling of happiness so... i don't know. i think they're competing to see which one can impact me more. sigh.

tingwei asked me whether i wanted to go play badminton today cos he mx and crystal were gonna play and i was like nuuuu T_T i really wanted to go play but like i was already planning to study at starbucks till dinner so... ): plus i needed to study anyway. sigh ): tingwei damn bad sia keep tempting me to go haha tskkk. if i was at home [like if i went home after the paper with regina] i guess i would probably have gone ): sadded. i miss fuchun peeps. and i wanna play badminton with them wthhh ): make me sad. ): after a's we must go out again together and have another chalet a sleepover at someone's house that can fit all of us (: hehe. the chalet last year was damnnn fun please.

okay back to studying. omg the weather is so colddd ): shall get my blanket and curl up on my chair to do math (: hehe.

i wonder if one year is enough to do something with my life.



studystudystudy. even more studying after prelims. i'm okay with it actually (: smile. i don't exactly know what i want to do with my life, but i do know i want to make it worth living. it's not that difficult to do, really.

post-prelims schedule is, like regina says, depressing. hope i don't have to go for too many remedials or whatever because i want to study on my own (: but it'll be alright, i suppose, lessons.

i want to go to uni soon so that i can be more slack but still study while doing things that i love (:

you know how they say you only deserve a person at their best if you can handle that person at their worst? well, i can't handle you at your worst, and i don't intend to.  so i was thinking that maybe i should just stop being your friend, because i can't deal with it and i guess i'm not worth your best. i'm still thinking about it. no one said i was a good friend.

i guess i either make friends with people whom i can just be happy with on the surface, or people who i can talk to about deep stuffs. it's hard having friends in between these two extremes. most of my friends, perhaps even all in fact, are probably just on the surface friends. occasionally i talk to them about deep stuffs, but it's just those fleeting moments that don't mean anything once they're over. in fact, now that i think of it, i don't think i could ever have such a friend to talk to about my innermost thoughts. when i think about all the people and friends, it's just on the surface issues, and the pretentiousness of it all is overwhelming.

anyway i guess i just feel that being too close to someone is scary. letting yourself open up to someone and letting them know everything about you, including your weaknesses, is amazingly scary. i don't think i would ever do that. i don't think i would ever trust anyone enough to do that.

i'm really starting to dislike you. it's not like you've done anything to anger me directly on purpose, i just find your actions and your character unlikeable. maybe it's because i'm jealous of you, maybe it's because i honestly don't like people like you, but i just don't like you. i get annoyed by you and every time i see or hear your name, this dark cloud of bad emotions go through me. i especially dislike it that everyone else loves you so much so that i cannot even tell anyone about my dislike for you. i know that such an attitude is probably extremely bitchy of me, but i can't help or suppress what i'm feeling. i wish i wouldn't feel this way as well. it's not your fault, it's just my problem. if it's of any help, i used to love you a lot as well. i just found out that it wasn't possible for me to sustain my love for you. but no matter how much i dislike you, i will always remember your love and kindness and acceptance of me. i just can't reciprocate that feeling and friendship. i'm sorry. ):



bio paper 3 was okay for me except that i didn't finish planning ): sigh. more worried for chem which has been really depressing so far. math as well ): sighhh. i don't know if it's just me losing my touch or if the papers are really that hard, which cannot be true. so it must just be me. ): i know what i want to do, and i know that i can do it if i bother trying. i'm just too lazy and tired and lazy to bother. haha. i know where my future goes anyway. nowhere exciting. just here, boring old life as usual. i guess that's why i need to change it. and i am, bit by bit. i'm trying at least. spicing up my life with fun stuffs (: i hate exams they screw up your fun schedule ): however, they also make you see the importance of having fun stuffs to do (: hehe.

"We are always getting ready to live but never living." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Life is not lost by dying; life is lost minute by minute, day by dragging day, in all the thousand small uncaring ways." - Stephen Vincent Benet

i don't want to keep telling myself that i will do these things, but never ever doing them. it's depressing and it makes me upset that i'm always putting off my promises to myself. i want to keep my promises, even if it's just to myself. i don't want to die tomorrow just to find out that i'm going to regret my entire life so far. it's true, life's too short and unpredictable to waste away. i really don't want to die tomorrow or the day after or next week or any time soon, because i haven't done anything worthwhile in my life. but who can guarantee anything? please, fate or destiny or time, let me stay alive for a little while longer, let me accomplish at least a few of the things that i want to do in my life, let me bring some meaning to my life before i die. i want to make a change, a difference. i promise i will start doing these things at lightspeed [no kidding sorry i can't move as fast as light ): but i will do them as quick as possible from now on], so that i will accomplish more things, and so that you don't have to wait. i'm not scared of death. i'm only scared that i won't be able to leave a footprint on this world before i die. i don't want to leave before i've done that.



i was rather happy today especially after i ran & showered (: but i didn't do anything productive for the past few hours so ): sadded. and i'm tired and i need to sleep now so :/ sigh. i will start work tomorrow! (:

TOMORROW MORNING IT WILL BE A BRIGHT NEW DAY (: smiles abound. laughter in the air. no more sadness or unhappiness.

changed (:

random pangs of sadness ):

i feel like going out to take pretty photos of the rain with my dslr nao. rawr. ):

hahaha omg procrastinating like crap.

i don't really like how people influence me so easily, i need to stop getting influenced by other people.

i also don't really like my overwhelming love for some people. it's not good because i get very attached to them and it makes me feel very needy which in turn makes me feel like i'm disturbing them when i talk to them a lot. also, it sucks when you realise how much they mean to you and how much you need them in your life and that it'd be so difficult to live without them. i don't like the thought of being unable to live without someone else. it makes me feel weak.

i really want to go out and take photos now.

shall go run tomorrow after bio paper if it's not raining :/

been tumblring and fbing for the past i dunno how long hahaha crap okayokay i do work now.

there's only one person in this world who can make me cry more than 10 times a day, more than 5 days in a week, make me so angry that i start to think of desperate measures to get away from it all, distract me from studying because i'm too upset to concentrate, criticise me for my actions, my unhappy and unpleasant face, my voice, my attitude, my character, the clothes i wear, the way i study, the way i talk, have no confidence in me at all, tell me that i'm useless, blame me for things that aren't even my fault, make me feel like screaming but never being able to scream out loud.

thanks, mum.


if i didn't care at all about myself and my results, i wouldn't study at all on purpose, just to rebel and make you furious and freak out, because you always tell me that i should help with the housework and that there's no point studying since my results don't improve when i study anyway.

screw off. i hate you.



i realise that i always complain about my mum it must be getting really boring. i mean, when i'm in that pissed mood then i feel like ranting, but after that, like now, i just look at my rant and think, it's just the same thing all over again, and i probably said the same thing as the last time anyway. sigh. getting tired of getting pissed with her. forget it.

friday was lit paper 5 i think text comparison was okay but i think i didn't do very well for carol ann duffy and unseen :/ ohwell. after that ate lunch with sarah and mark then went starbucks to continue studying bio ): i only finished the bio applications booklet yesterday night wtf which means i took 2 days to study it and i still have ics 1 & 2 and planning wtf. after bio still got chem and math argh and after that still must study again for bio paper 1 cos i didn't even finish studying for paper 2 and then after prelims still got SAT. gah.

saturday morning i woke up early to go run and then i had a stomachache after that and diarrhoea but i was fine after i took medicine. i wanted to eat veggie but i couldn't ): saddd. after that i was gonna study for the whole day but then i slept for like 3+ hours from 11am plus to 2pm plus lol omg wtf siol i was really god damn tired and even after i woke up and started studying i was still half falling asleep :/ sigh. slept around 12am then woke up earlier today like 8.30am to study (: but i haven't been doing much since i got pissed just now sighhh. ate kfc blueberry pancake meal for breakfast zomg $4.50 only haha my brother bought home for me (:

okay i should get back to doing work now ):
rawr.
it's raining and i feel kinda down.

1100th post. wow.

friday i stayed at home to study but i ended up playing instead. i think. can't really remember what happened already.

saturday was MAF. spent it sitting around class bench with classmates and eating dinner, then singing during sodache and finally drinking with kevin mark zhiwei jireh christopher. hahaha kevin got drunk and was physically unstable though he was perfectly sane. it was very funny! (: hehe. i walked back with him to boarding school because he couldn't walk straight hahaha (:

sunday i think i studied? can't remember what i did.

monday went to starbucks with kevin and mark again to study. also met felicia there so we ate lunch with her and studied with her all the way until dinner (:

tuesday was chem paper 3 which i rather screwed up plus i couldn't finish all the questions in time, then went home early and took the bus with regina (: got home, fell asleep for 2 and a half hours, then woke up and studied bio until 1am plus before sleeping lol.

wednesday was bio paper 2 which was, in comparison to chem paper 3, seemingly easier, though i might not have gotten the marking points, which would then mean that i screwed it up as well. plus i didn't finish studying bio so i hadn't studied 5 topics which means that i couldn't exactly do the questions with those topics ): then study at starbucks again.

thursday/today was math paper 1 which was normal hwachong standard but which i think i won't do well for because i couldn't seem to do a lot of questions ): didn't practice complex and sns and there were so many of those questions ): saddened. then studied at starbucks but left earlier because of my mum -rolls eyes- and she was still pissed when i got home earlier wth manz.

kk shit need to go flip through lit now omggg. thank you kevin for teaching me lit today (: he's like some lit god siol. hanging out with kevin is different from hanging out with most other people i realised. like he does all the insane stuffs, which i guess i've pretty much gotten used to, but like hanging out with him just makes me feel like i don't need to care about being judged, and i should just do whatever i want to, which is just this aura that kevin gives off, and the way he talks about some things make you realise whole new perspectives of things. i think he's just really awesome and it feels nice to be his friend (:

monday study at starbucks with kevin and mark.
tuesday go to school for bio, then study at starbucks with kevin and mark.
wednesday study at coffee club with kevin and mark, then walked around cityhall/marinabay water area at night with kevin singing really loudly which made everyone who walked past stare at us haha (:
thursday/today go to school for lit, then study at kap with kevin and mark, then ate dinner and drank alcohol at timbre at old school.

i can't believe i just spent like 4 consecutive days with them. doesn't feel like it much.

wednesday was really fun with kevin singing loudly and making everyone stare at us. hahaha it was damn embarrassing but we weren't wearing school uniform or anything so it ended up as just really hilarious (: we should do that so much more often (: kevin wanted to get alcohol since it was his birthday and he was legal but we didn't in the end.

today was kinda fun too. got to timbre with much difficulty but the food was good and we ordered about 3 cocktails each, some of which were more potent, but cocktails are generally mild. so we didn't get drunk or even high much, which was kind of boring. took a cab to mrt and went home (:

so sleep now ): time to sleep sorry goodnight!

so i was reallyyy pissed at my mum again today because she was being such an ass and she made me cry like only about 10 times because every time after i stopped crying i think about it and start again. and i was stuck in the toilet for 45mins thanks to her. just so freaking damn pissed at her i really can't take it. every time she pisses me off, i feel like just leaving. but once it's over, i'm okay again and i think maybe it wasn't that bad, and i was probably exaggerating, but then it happens AGAIN, i'm just like, fuck. i really can't take it anymore but i can't do anything about it so i really don't know what's there left to do. feel so miserable ): just because of my mum. totally not worth it at all. she's wasting my time, wasting my energy, wasting my effort of trying to please her, and totally wasting my life trying to deal with her. not worth it. she keeps scolding me for not helping with the housework, and saying that it's okay if i don't help but my results are good, but they're not, and i'm still not helping. like wtf it's not like i don't try right? maybe i'm not trying hard enough. maybe i'm slacking a lot. but have you ever thought that maybe the reason why i'm always playing my computer games or watching tv or wasting my life away is because i'm so angry at you that i have absolutely no mood to study and need a way of calming myself down and making myself happy again? have you ever thought that perhaps the reason why i go out everyday to study [and you never fail to complain about it, always asking why i have to go out and study and why can't i study at home] is because of you? it's because i don't want to have to see you everyday, listen to you insult me and make me feel like crap. it's because i can't stand another moment of being in the same room as you, in the same house as you.



anyway i went to cut my hair today (: it's okay i guess. only cut my fringe and then asked the person to thin it but it's like superrr thin now gosh totally unexpected. ohwell. and yeah my hair was also the reason why my mum was so pissed today cos she wanted me to cut it short and was very angry when she saw that it hadn't shortened one bit, but no way am i gonna cut it shorter i'm keeping it long for prom or something by which time i should be free from rubbish control at home. i don't see why the heck can't i keep long hair. just cos you don't like it doesn't mean you can impose your ideas on me. and my dad. okay forget it i don't want to talk about things which make me mad.

stayed at home on friday and did nothing. went to the library on saturday to study and amazingly i met yiinghuey there (: so cool haha that was nice. went to eat lunch together too (: and yeah i studied on saturday, though not much. today i stayed at home again and did nothing again. tomorrow i'm going to starbucks to study and hopefully i'll be more efficient. sigh. not that i really care about prelims a lot nowadays. my life's just been so miserable these few days that i don't really think that scoring well [and not like that's gonna happen] or badly for prelims is going to make any difference. like they say, you shouldn't lead your life fighting against what others say, just for the sake of trying to prove them wrong. sometimes people do it on purpose, and they end up fighting against their own ideas. i'll just lead my life the way i want to. i've long given up trying to score well just for the sake of proving my mum wrong. i don't want to waste my life that way.

actually wanted to meet wanjane for lunch tomorrow, but she can't make it, so i'm meeting her on friday instead. gonna pass her all her a level stuffs that she passed to me last time. haha. i didn't really use them. didn't really have the time i guess. or maybe i was just too lazy. ^^ i can't believe she'll be going off to london so soon! time flies ): i miss going for lunch and dinner with her and when she used to live in woodlands! ):

okay i should sleep soon have to try to wake up early tomorrow ):
talking to kaien is actually really nice. sometimes he's happy & sometimes he's sad but i feel like his friend when we talk, even though i'm never able to help him when he's sad but he doesn't stop talking to me or anything, so i suppose that's a nice feeling, feeling like someone's friend. (: nice people should be treated nice as well! the world sucks for treating these people so badly.

staying at home makes me upset, going out with friends make me upset, and there's no one to go to the library with to study. everything's just starting to make me really really pissed. especially since my mum has been pissing me off for the past hour and i would really like to leave the house now, but i can't, cos i got nowhere to go. feel like some homeless person, really. so angry and upset right now ): should i just go out first..

anyway, i woke up this morning feeling quite upset about things, so naturally i played my computer game to make me feel better, but then later on my mum was doing my dad's stuffs, and because she's dumb she can't understand what my dad meant so i had to help her to do it instead, and then my dad just asked me to do more stuffs and i was just really annoyed, so i played my game more to make myself feel better, but then my mum started nagging at me and scolding me for not helping her because she's cleaning the house and i just got really pissed plus i wasn't even close to winning the stupid game so i didn't really know what to do after that. guess that's why i'm here, blogging my troubles out. though it's not helping much, just making me cry and nothing else, which is stupid.

i can't wait until a's are over. i would go out everyday and not come home at all. i wouldn't mind going to work or something to earn enough money to get myself a room at university. just wish that time could pass faster, so that i can be off with my own life sooner. i hate everyone around me they're just so annoying and i really just want a lot of people to vanish from the world i guess. sighh.



people are so confusing. i'm so confused. i was reminded of the line in wss, 'you imagine enmity that does not exist.' and i thought it might have applied to me, but no, enmity is if i think that other people hate me, but that's not right. it's the other way round. so sometimes i feel as if i should tell my friend, you imagine concern that does not exist. because it's true, because i really don't care for all of those things. i've been trying to live with it, laughing it off or pretending to be amused or interested, but honestly, i'm just bored of all of that. i really don't care. and i guess i don't really want to care.



like any other person, i like to hang out with people who make me feel better, especially about myself. it's hard enough having to live with people who tell you everyday that you're not good enough, who always make you feel like crap. a few days ago some people told me that my hair was thick, and that it was nice. and i was like no, is it? because i've never once thought in my life that thick hair could be nice, because every time my hair gets thick, my mum only criticises and i have to go and cut it thin otherwise she won't stop being a nag. its these tiny things that change my opinions on life i guess, give me new ways of looking at the same thing and just open up my world. i really like to hang out with people who make me feel better. even though i know that it's not always a good thing, and i can't hang out with people like that forever. good things never last.



i often try to resort to drastic measures when i'm under a lot of pressure or my emotions are not stable. i guess i won't go out after all, because it would just make my mum angry, plus she already cooked dinner so... sigh.

i wish i was braver. if i had the courage, i would be able to leave the house without looking back and get away from all of this. ):

well, gp & lit paper 1 exams are over. honestly i didn't study much for them, but they actually felt quite okay, so... i don't know. it's difficult to tell whether i did alright or not anyway. basically i played a lot on monday and tuesday so i thought i would be quite screwed but i ended up being able to chiong through a ton of lit notes tuesday evening and went through the gp advice article just before sleeping so it wasn't too bad (: haha. and i was thinking of wilks throughout the gp essay. kinda sad that he's not gonna mark it, after everything.. sigh. and lit i think i was alright with the text ones, just not so much the unseen.

wednesday after the paper just hung around in school until dinner time with the class (: it was a mini class outing but i thought it was fun (: me shuyi mark kevin longpeng teri and felicia. a lot of random people from random cliques and groups but it was really fun (: yaye. we ate at ajisen at plaza sing, then walked around. teri & peng bought cherries from carrefour and then we ate some more rubbish before i bought hot chocolate from starbucks and what was left of us [me mark teri] sat at some random place to talk. left the place around 10pm and i got home around 11pm i think, and got scolded by my mum ):

today woke up late-ish even though i set my alarm at 8.30 cos i just dao-ed it and woke up around 10 instead. then did a bit of lit before going online and having fun, then rushed off to meet kevin & mark at coffee club to study. i only ate bread for breakfast and drank a cup of milo and then bread again for lunch and i was superrrr full. gosh. i think it was from yesterday's hot chocolate. it was seriously damn filling and i felt like a total pig after i finished drinking it. burnt my tongue too ): so then i just koped some food from them while we studied. didn't do much at all ): sighhh. after that went to kenny rogers roasters at suntec for dinner, and i thought the name was familiar, but i didn't know it was really the singer! wow. my dad always listens to him, so i see his face on the cds and stuff. and in there his photo was just hung everywhereee it's crazy. i wonder if he set up the place or someone set it up dedicated to him? we shared an entire chicken and 4 side dishes - some sour cream with pasta [penne], potato salad, macaroni and cheese, and baked rice. i guess the food was okay. and the portion was just nice for 3 people i think. i didn't eat a lot though. after that we went to carrefour to get alcohol because kevin had been telling us that he wanted it for the entire afternoon, and we got 2 tall cans of heineken beer. mark had to buy it haha. then went up to some open area with stairs and sat there & drank but we didn't even finish them because they tasted so bad lolol quite fail right. but not like i like beer anyway, and kevin doesn't like beer either. sighh. ohwell. but it was quite fun la, drinking & talking (: then they took clorets [mark took 3 lol] & all of us finally went home. wow fun day really (: but next time we're definitely not getting beer again. i think beer smells really nice but tastes really bad ): just like coffee! ): all scammers.

very tired now ): shall play zoo tycoon for a while before i go to sleep (: teehee. tomorrow not going out already so i can wake up late whee.