omgeeee
yeah, i finally moved out. and i swear, it feels crazily good.

my roomie's not around now, so it's my first day/night of freedom and it's just so quiet and peaceful here, i don't regret my decision to move out at all.

current mood: near-nirvana (:



anyway, updates!

didn't do much the last couple of days, but i spent yesterday packing everything like crazy but didn't manage to pack all finish, so i had to spend today morning packing as well. i brought 2 backpacks and 1 huge plastic bag to hall. thankful to my brother who helped me lug one of the backpacks here. totally regretted not borrowing yh's luggage sigh ): and no, those weren't even all of my stuffs. will have to make one or two more trips with more stuff for uni. but it's alright, i'm not starting uni yet - it's just gonna be camp for the next couple of days so yepp.

took the bus to school with my brother, while he was doing homeworkkk. haha well not homework, but he's teaching tutorials in school the coming sem, so just revising i guess. tbh i'm actually quite proud of him when it comes to his academic stuffs. as much as i hate it when people [especially my mum and my brother] compare my results with my brother's results, i do feel proud when i tell people how pro my brother is, like that he took math chem bio physics and ki in jc and got all As except a B for ki, or that he's actually gonna be teaching in school this year. so yep.

got off at engineering fac and walked to rh, then checked in hurriedly and said hi to zining [who's my roomie! makes me wonder who did the roommate allocation cos why do i suspect seniors at work. haha.] before going off to eat lunch with my brother. then went to order the laptop, but apparently they had stock! :O so i could buy it on the spot waow. totally wasn't expecting that. so paid and then went to get my laptop and have it started up and then my brother used it for a while to bid for his modules before he finally went home. carried the laptop back to room, and realised that zining went home tonight, then got down to... CLEANING. if you thought that i'm just another one of those spoilt kids who just want freedom but don't have responsibility, i'm not, okay. cleaned my room from late afternoon to night to make it inhabitable, and i'm really quite proud of it. in fact, i got paranoid at the end and considered cleaning more, but i was damn tired and sweaty so i decided to put off the extra cleaning. on the other hand, i'm done cleaning the shelves, desk, chair, wardrobe, bed and floor, so i'm really pretty darn proud of myself. plus the fact that i didn't just hurry open my laptop to charge and use it, but only did that AFTER i was done with cleaning and took a shower. mum called as well, when i was planning to call her haha.

i'm really looking forward to uni life while staying in hall. maybe not looking forward that much to the camp that starts tomorrow though. not because i don't like it, but because it seems too enthu and high to comprehend. i don't mind nightly barbeque sessions or get-to-know-your-neighbours/blockmates but camps really suck a lot of energy from me. [which means that i should be sleeping asap but i can't help it, new laptop & newly cleaned room & new-found liberation = must stay awake for a while longer to enjoy this moment. heh.]

talking about new laptops, yes, i'm using my new laptop now and it's really pretty awesome! well, i suppose the feeling of having a laptop is just awesome by itself. haha. but this laptop has fingerprint sensor which is really pretty cool and helpful! especially on internet browsers heh (: plus, the wifi signal here is only 1 bar but the internet is still super fast! like omg whuuut? haha. crazy sia. other than that, apparently the specs are pretty good and stuffs so yep (: it's just not too light. but it's alright, cos this is the normal weight of laptops that i use! haha. yh best, she said it was very light for her hahaha. totally opposite from the laptop salesgirl, who thinks the laptop i got is very heavy for girls. when she heard that my current laptop weight is same as this laptop, she was like :O "佩服". like LOL. me & yh must be guys then.

and yeah, i took a break in between cleaning this evening to have dinner with yh ^^ ate at the same foodcourt as i did for lunch! lol max. but very full already so we shared rice (: heh. then showed her my room which she says is big! i think it's okay la - width a bit squeezy but depth is pretty long! my brother said it's small though ): sigh. then make my mum think it's small also since she already assumed that in the first place. ohwell.

only thing i don't like about the room now is that there's this white moth that refuses to fly out of my room. it has permanently stuck itself to my desk. i think it's sleeping now. but whatever, as long as it isn't flying at me, i'm okay with it. my room so big, one tiny white moth want to sleep inside can la, just don't disturb me can already.


OKAY. off to brush teeth and sleep! really super tired sia x.x goodnight world~ and i don't even need to set alarm for tomorrow hehe ^^

it feels funny now. as if so much has changed. and i suppose they have. i suppose i've changed as well. and this is in comparison to? well, i don't know. but sometime, somehow, i just felt as if things are no longer the way they were.

perhaps it's triggered from the start of uni life. but no, i guess it's more because i'm moving away from this familiarity of home. so all of a sudden, i have so many things to settle, so many loose ends to tie up before i go away. it's not like i'm not coming back home at all, but there's definitely a sense of finality - no more leaning onto these people at home to take care of me, but instead a new sense of independence and responsibility, perhaps the feeling of really turning into an adult and having to make my own decisions. on the other hand, i have no doubt that i will be okay, if only in some respects. i know i won't end up smoking or doing drugs, for example. but i won't know how i'll turn out at the end of this. will i turn out to be an excellent student, a failure in academics, or just an average nobody? will i still be the same person with the same character and attitude? and if not, then how would i have changed? would it be for the better or the worse? it's difficult to say. i want to stay the same way i am, and yet i want to change. i guess i want some of my thoughts to stay, like how i see things and people and the world. but i also want to build on these, i want to be able to adopt an even broader stance and view than i have at the moment, i want to be accepting of every single person i meet, and i want to understand so many more things. 4 years of uni life won't do much to help me with these, but still. i just want to know how i'm going to change after these 4 years. unfortunately, it's difficult to predict my own future, especially what events would occur in the future that might possibly change my life. i could end up in a car crash tomorrow and live in a vegetative state for the rest of my life [in which case that would be a life-time of torture for me], for all i know. so let's go back to history, which we know at least with some certainty.

a lot of things has happened over the past weeks and months after a levels. first it was the enjoyment, the relaxed and chill period where i guess everyone was just glad that the exams were over. i wasn't feeling particularly happy about the end of a levels [not much feeling there, really. maybe i'm just a heartless asshole.] but i did enjoy a couple of weeks just chilling and slacking and doing nothing in particular. just having fun, even though i'd already been having fun while studying for a levels, just like the slack student i am. after that was the tense atmosphere as everyone started worrying about results, which i really didn't think much of. not like worrying would have done anything to help, anyway. after the results were out, it was then the looking for courses and unis that our results could get us into. i admit i had some emotions there, at that period of time. [yes, for once, after being emotionless about end of a's and release of results for the past few months.] there were 2 states. first was just being okay with my results and thinking that hey, as long as my results can get me into the course i want, who cares if i failed everything at all? and yes, it could get me into my course after i compared the igp [indicative grade profile]. the second state was being worried that the uni had raised the igp higher from previous years which would mean that i might not be able to get in, and then because they took so long to send me my acceptance letter, i started cursing myself for not doing better in a's, and wondering why they were taking so long to accept me and if it was because of my results. after i finally got my acceptance into nus science faculty, i was still not in a very happy state. i had to send in another application for my course, and then continued the boring waiting time. together with that was my application to hall, where i wanted to stay, and then all the persuasion to get my parents to let me go. yet, when i finally got accepted, likewise, i wasn't feeling that happy either. [i'll just admit i'm a heartless piece of shit and get on with it, alright? basically nothing can make me very happy any more. i guess i've been like that since primary 4, when i decided that results no longer meant anything much to me, and when i decided that i never wanted to be happy or sad over good or bad results again.] finally, i got accepted into the course i applied for as well, and yes, i did feel rather happy about that, but i was in a dilemma on which course to take, right up until yesterday evening.

now? well, now i've mostly made up my mind and mostly settled on what my next 4 years of life will be like. no, i don't feel much joy over it, but i do feel like it's a new start to a lot of things and i also know that i have to do this, even if i might end up hating all of my decisions. i have to take this course, and i have to move out. there's no room for negotiation, not even with myself. sometimes i wonder to myself why i couldn't just settle with staying at home, why i had to apply for hall. sometimes i even try to convince myself that perhaps life would be better at home, even if i can get so angry i feel like exploding. but no, it's not just about that. it's about everything else as well. and then suddenly this side of me takes over and says no. there's definitely no room for negotiation and i'm going to be moving to hall whether i like it or not. it's not even about the small not-so-important things that i get so worked up over, like being pissed off at my entire family and whatnot. it's about everything else as well, and i understand that, and i understand that i have to move out, even if just a few weeks later i feel like running back home. it's the same for my course. i don't know why i spent so long pondering over which course to take, but deep inside i knew that there was a part of me that would likewise say that there was no room for negotiation and i would be taking that course no matter what. i still don't know if that part of me is right. i guess i'll find out in a couple of years.

all in all, my holidays have been... okay. not too productive or fruitful, but not entirely useless as well. and now school is starting again, and it's a whole new world in uni, but it's just another part of my life that i will look back on in the future.



okay wow that was long.

had lunch with fuchun peeps on sunday ^^ ate at pastamania, then went shopping at cold storage and then bought ice cream sundaes at cwp's macs but went to sit down at civic centre's macs to continue eating our sundaes. heh. and talk. and just chill like old friends (: forever feeling damn chill when i'm with them, it's really like talking to old friends who have been around with you for so long that they're almost like family already. they're the kind of people whom you can just go downstairs for a cup of coffee. haha okay no we don't do that, but you get the idea. will really miss them when i move out ): sigh. and yeah i realised i make us sound old ): but ohwellz. it's true, we HAVE been together for a really long time. technically most of us have known each other for about 11-12 years, from primary 2/3 all the way till now. that's more than half my life so far. and yeah i'm proud of it (:

okay so i have a lot of things to settle before i move out, will be crazily busy these couple of days i think. i'll blog again after i've settled into hall life and everything i guess. ciao~

anddd i'm still deciding on what course to take! okayz i am a total noob at this shit ): mostly decided already though. i think. like 75% leaning towards one of the two courses. it's retarded how it was my first and foremost choice in the first place, and i'm still gonna end up taking it. the only thing is that, halfway through, some other course distracted me so i had to double triple think about it so hard that i got so stressed ): sigh. at least i have a choice right! heh. although uhh it's quite bad to reject special courses also la hor. ohwellz. i will announce what course i'm taking when i'm finally a hundred percent sure of my choice! and i need to decide by monday. good job jane. haha. well, since i'm like leaning towards one of the courses so much already i guess i'll end up taking it. must remember what drove me to take it in the first place. it's really something i like to do, so i shouldn't stop myself just because i think it'll be too difficult to score well, or just because other people think it's boring! must have more faith in myself, really. so now that i'm mostly decided, the other problem i have on hand is which freshmen seminar to take :S also have two choices and they both seem quite fun! damnnn. ohwellz. i will decide eventually.


note to self: whatever course you decide on, there won't be any right or wrong. just make sure that there will be no regrets and no guilt for the next 4 years of your life.

because anyway, you only have yourself to answer to.

okay, writing the above bold-ed lines made me more sure of my decision. 85% decided now! 15% more to go and to convince myself that i really want that course.

btw, my potential timetable that i drew up for this sem looks pretty awesome (: timetables always make me happy. plus this timetable has awesome long breaks :D which will be used to do both homework and laundry, no kidding. not looking forward much to doing laundry in hall, but at least i'll be away from home (: and i guess i might go home on alternate weeks instead of every week because i am a lazy ass. heh. we'll see. can't wait for start of lessons! and hope i won't be totally lost. most of all, hope that i'll be able to find nice friends in lectures and tutorials and everything! yes, i am looking forward to uni life, even if it seems like it's gonna be a busy and crazy time.



tuesday was spent shopping at cwp with my mum =x okay i admit it. i burnt a lot of money and i felt quite guilty cos most of it was my parents' money. i'm sorry ): on the other hand, i bought new clothes and a new backpack :> heh. loving my new backpack it is awesomeness. i guess i'm just saying that cos it's new, but still!

wednesday was spent at home doing nothing muchhh.

and then thursday was spent shopping with my mum again. ohmygawd i am seriously crazy i know ): sighz. my mum wanted to buy stuffs for my hall stay so yeah. we burnt quite a lot of money again D: on the bright side, i finally got my fbts~ :D comfy fbt shorts ftw :>

so yes, even though i burnt damn lot of money this week [and i am not planning to buy anything else any time soon], quite happy with my new stuffs! especially cos most of them are stuffs that i will use super often. yepp.

might be going for a drive again on sunday, depends on my dad and his friend i guess. if i do end up driving, hopefully it will be a more enjoyable experience than last week!



okay that's all. i have a ton of stuffs to do. help my dad with some video stuffs, pack for hall stay [okay obviously procrastinating here. it's so hard to clear up my stuffs in my house because i have so much stuff everywhere ):], practice violin moremoremoreeee and also wanna finish reading my storybook! (: the girl with the dragon tattoo ♥ awesome book seriously. can't wait to read finish and then borrow the next book! read until past 3am yesterday and i would have stayed up later if not for my mum being so pissed at me for not sleeping yet. good books ftw (:

saturday was tuition, then library to mug, then met yh for teabreak at starbucks and to catch up on life (: yaye. quite awesome. and then we went shopping after that HAHA crap nowadays we keep on ending up shopping no matter what we meet up for. ohwellz. but yeah, i still need clothes for school luh. yepp then after that went home for dinnerrr.


sunday was spent doing waking up late and doing nothing in the early afternoon, then my dad went to collect the car that he was borrowing from his friend. black hyundai that felt super alien to me at first. windscreen too high, seat seemed too low, pedals too close, gear too awkward, handbrake too low, i dunno haha everything just super different from the usual bbdc car la. yeah. got used to most of it after a while, although the gear still gave me some problems la ): and i stalled engine twice ohmygawd paiseh ttm ): cos yknow, my dad was in the car. so i was just like ._. then hurry turn it on again. SIGH. which made it quite stressful! dad kept pointing out what i was doing wrong and stuffs, so just stresseddd lor. but after the whole trip i felt quite accomplished la (: hehe. and can't wait for the next driving trip cos i wanna practice more and get better and pro-er at it! can't believed i'm officially licensed now though - even though i passed on the first try and with only 6 points which was rather far from the maximum 20 points that it'll take to fail, i still feel like all the lessons i took in bbdc weren't very helpful in preparing me for driving for real. so i guess driving is really something that i need to learn and experience for myself. ohwellz. jiayou to myself!

anyway, i went down first with my dad in the car to practice parkinggg because well, the parking that the driving schools teach is just downright rubbish. seriously. like, no one uses that method to park please -.- apparently people don't even touch their side windows after adjusting once. sighz. ohwellz. so yeah, just practised parking first, then called my mum down and then we went off to choachukang to go fetch my brother from his tuition! after that, we went to this super ulu place called farmart centre where we had dinerrr (: nomz. and then my dad drank beer because he damn shuang don't need to drive us LOL. like that lor! then i see his bottle of beer and realised that i want to try drinking abit also cannot, cos I'M the one driving! sighh. like that lor ): after that we went to sembawang beach to walk around a bit, and then headed back homeee cos my dad had to return the car. drove back home and dropped my mum & brother off. my mum went to get an extra bike helmet for me, then me and my dad went to return the car and then rode back home on his bike. yaye quite fun day (: even though it was stressful! can't wait for the next time and i'll try hard not to stall the engine again! [also realised that the roads around bbdc all damn nice, mostly flat and level ground with super little slopes. outside is like everywhere also slope sia T.T my car forever rolling backwards.]


today had to go to school for qet test which was okay-ish i think. hopefully don't need to take extra mod! after qet test, i was supposed to go over to sutd to meet yh for lunch, and i thought i'd be able to reach before she even got released from lesson and have extra time to spare, but ohmygawd i swear the qet crowd was freakinggg crazy. and plus it was raining, so most of us took the sheltered walkway to the bus stop, where it was freakinggg crowded. got this super long queue along the walkway leading to the bus stop leh. wth. i hope this is something that seldom happens in nus. otherwise i'll seriously just die from waiting everyday. so yeah, got delayed quite a bit and reached sutd half an hour late :/ thankgoodness there's direct and sheltered path all the way from nus to sutd! ^^ means next time i can visit them easily and they can visit me easily as well! :D heh. got to sutd and met up with yh crystal and their friend, bryan ong. whom they've told me about already la. haha. then went to eat lunch at breadyard, which is this cool bread cafe place at their school. awesome much. the food not bad (: heh. can't wait to go again and try other types of bread! :D after that, followed them into their lecture theatre and just waited for lecture to start. crash lecture only mah~ haha. quite sian also la the lit lecture, more sian than our usual lit lectures at hwach. ohwellz. at least lecture was only 1 hour, and then it was end of school day for them! (: we decided to have a random jamming session, so went back to hostel to take instruments [i borrowed crystal's violin. so useful to have an extra violin around! seriously. thanks crystal! (:] and then went back to sutd and used this tiny classroom-like place to play and have fun :D me and bryan ong on violins, yh on her french horn and crystal with her cornet. the two of them sounded like some band already cos their instruments were so loud and 霸道. HAHA :P violins of course cannot beat that volume right! sighz. but yeah, damn fun playing with them! (: me and cryz and their friend bryan tried playing danse macabre violin version! heh. the result was not bad (: played until dinner time, when yh and bryan went to get dinner for us and then we all ate together YAYE awesome afternoon of music (: it's days like these that i really enjoy.


yes, i'm going to start practising my violin again from now. i really need to. if i have goals, then i need to work towards them in order to achieve them. i can do this. i just need to put in the effort required.

think that's all for now. actually wanted to go shopping today but ended up spending it at sutd so... ohwellz. maybe tomorrow then.

okay this is really troubling. i am getting a hundred percent stressed whenever i even try to think about deciding on my course. ohmygod this really sucks. it's like the very thought of having to think about deciding my course is already enough to get me super worried nervous stressed and freaked out. super huge sigh. i can't decide. i shouldn't be having to make this decision. how do people even do this? ugh. just want to go to sleep and wake up with my problem solved, but only i can solve it myself, so... we'll see.

we often chase after the people who treat us like crap, and 忽略 the people who care about us. almost everyone does that, me included. but it doesn't mean that i don't know who are the people who really show their concern for me. i might not reciprocate it, but i know, deep in my heart, who are the ones who really care, who would do so much for me, so much more than what i could ever do for them in return. and i am thankful for that, even if i don't show it. this goes all out to the people who are always giving me more than i'll ever give them, always putting in their time and effort into me, even when i ignore them or treat them badly. thank you for caring.



my mum was in a very bad mood today morning as well. which explains all my bad-mood tweets as well. i as good as got chased out of the house when i went to the library today, and my mum told me not to come home for dinner either. still bad mood, you see. and even though it kind of hurt that she was still treating me like that from yesterday and blaming me for it [and i actually wanted to apologize as well but i just had no guts, sorry. i'm not a strong nor courageous person.], i was actually hoping that her bad mood would carry on until moving out day, and she'd chase me out of the house the same way, because that would be so much better for me. then i wouldn't need to come home so often and i could explain everything away with her attitude. but no, that didn't happen. i didn't expect it to be so soon, but apparently she was in a better mood by late afternoon. smsed me to go home for dinner, and when i got home the tone and mood wasn't as angry as it was yesterday. well, i guess if there's one thing i should be thankful for, it's that my mum doesn't stay angry and upset very long [at me at least, because i know she can stay angry at my dad/other people for quite long.], even if she does get angry veryvery often ._. oh well jeez so difficult to deal with. at least i think the anger is temporarily over.

went to library today to study like a good kid. ended up reading my storybook [before i go to sleep by s.j. watson] for the entire day. SIGH. yes, i finished reading the book. no, i didn't exactly study. ): i know, i suck. even after slacking for so many months, i can't believe i'm still procrastinating? jeez. no choice lor. have to study tomorrow i guess. test on monday leh ohmygawd like a bit scary leh ): hoping don't need to do extra mods cos i'd really hate that!

also, sunday my dad say he's renting a car, so if that's really true, then i'll be out driving for the first time with my license! (: heh. can't wait (: the only thing i'm worried about is parking, cos vertical and parallel parking in practical test is quite rubbish, i doubt it'll help me to park at all.

received more emails today. ohmygod i swear i have never flagged and had so many important emails in my life before. zzz. so many important things to take note of! i have like 8 flagged emails? though i suppose only 5 are the more important ones, and some are repeated. but still. so many things to consider when going uni! seriously. hall stay, qet test, orientation briefing/dean's welcome tea, camp, and course to decide! ohmygod. yes, i just received my email for acceptance into a special course that i applied for. which made me both nervous and excited at the same time. i mean, i'm glad i got accepted, but the problem now is that i can't decide if i want to choose that special course or a normal course. ugh. so many decisions to make. tagline of my life now: making decisions 24/7. and then i got my camp which i have to re-confirm as well and i'm thinking now whether i really want to go. i mean, i suppose i'll go in the end, but i can't help but wonder whether i have too many events packed for myself for the first few weeks of uni :/ plus i want to join this music activity as well so i really need to practice violin and i really don't know if i can do all this. hopefully the things don't all clash at the same time or anything. need to start setting deadlines for myself and organising everything. and oh wow look i just received ANOTHER email. jeez spammage of important emails is.. sigh. stresseddd.

anywayz, i just watched red bull city state breakers! (: documentary featuring felix! seriously dope. so proud of him and that i can watch it on tv and tell people [eg. my dad when he came home and saw me watching it] that that guy on tv is my instructor! (:
CATCH RED BULL CITY STATE BREAKERS ON STARHUB CHANNEL 201 [SUPERSPORTS ARENA] AIRING 1-2 TIMES EVERYDAY THROUGHOUT JULY. AWESOME DOCUMENTARY ON BREAKING/BBOYING FEATURING BBOY FELIX! (:

happy things today: watching felix's documentary. reading my storybook.
extremely troubling thing today: have to decide on course/major soon. ugh ):

and omg why does time fly just like that. zzz. kk off to do other things goodnight!

okay i'm seriously just damn pissed at my mum. sensitive issue here but basically the gist of it is that i did what my dad told me to do, and my mum got damn pissed at me because it concerned her but i didn't tell her. minor annoyances include the fact that i thought my dad was in charge of that, and i thought he either already told my mum, or that my mum would be in favour of it anyway. well, halfway through my mum found out about it and got bloody pissed which totally pissed me off as well. just can't stand my family any more and i'm superrr glad i'm moving out soon. 13 more days!

okay what the fuck. seriously. my mum just came over again to scold me about it, because she confirmed the thing again today and just got really pissed again to know that i actually did that. i'm sorry, okay? but that's what my dad told me to do! shouldn't you be scolding my dad?! ugh.

earlier on she pissed me off so badly and i felt so angry and felt like crying super badly. had to tell myself that i must not cry over this, even though there were still a couple of tears. but at least i didn't totally break down like that day over my music stuffs. totally not worth it. come on man. how many times have i cried because of my mum? fifty? hundred? i don't know, but it's just not worth it.



today went to play badminton in the morning with tingwei mx and sherilyn. played for about 40 minutes, then left tingwei & mx playing together and went off for lunch. lunched with ema at fish&co at dhobyghaut. artic fish and chips are good! and their current promotion now is not bad! liked the salad as well ^^ good food ftw. after that went back to woodlands where i went library to mug! no kidding, i did 4 essay plans :O but not of very good standard la :/ mostly just focused on getting the points and all, not really any concrete examples or evidence. but that's alright, i've never gotten too many marks for examples/evidence before anyway since i never have any examples to give. still, it seemed like a lot. especially when you're just writing and writing and writing and somehow write like 6 pages which makes me feel rather accomplished! (: yaye. shall continue that tomorrow. got home and yeah, my mum was in a bad mood so even though before that i said i was coming home for dinner and she said okay, which meant she was gonna cook dinner, she didn't in the end. which was really whatever with me, because i don't really care. ate bread [one peanut butter one kaya ^^] and milo cereal with milk (: awesome dinner! then i wanted to play my violin actually but my mum really put me in a super bad mood tonight so i don't know. no mood to prac violin already lor. zzz. screwed up. i should stop getting so affected but i can't help it!

it's like, my mum is pissed at me & my dad these couple of days cos of this whole thing, but not cooking dinner and washing my clothes is just dumb, because i can do these things on my own, no kick, okay. the only person she affects by not doing housework as her form of showing her anger is my brother, who obviously can't/doesn't know how to wash his own clothes. so that's just retarded la. but anyway she's very nice to my brother now because apparently he helped her see to the things that i 'screwed up', in her opinion, so she thinks he's a good kid unlike me. if a good kid is one who hits his parent, well, i really have nothing to say. if she doesn't think i'm a good/guai/filial child, then whatever. fine by me. it'd be great if she disowned me, in fact. then at least i'd know for sure she's not gonna talk to me or care about me anymore. in this case, sadly, she'll probably start caring about me again in a couple of days after she forgets her anger, which would suck big time for me because caring = nagging & forcing her ideas and opinions on me, which i hate. jeez. just disown me already, is that so hard? also kinda annoyed with my dad cos he's not helping at all.

by the way, did i mention i hate people forcing their ideas onto me? pushy people who force me to do things suck. people who try and convince me about their religion also suck. i mean, if you're just telling me about it, sure, i'll listen. but if you're trying to make me convert to your religion then no thanks i don't want to hear.

ohyes and ema was telling me how my mum and brother need to change their attitudes cos they both don't wanna meet her. it was hard not to laugh at that. the day my mum or brother changes their attitude, pigs will fly. also, she was saying that she felt it was bad to go overseas and that she disapproved, and that it was better to stay in singapore instead for uni. i was quite annoyed hearing this. like i don't really care if you disapprove. i would choose to go overseas any day instead of staying here. but whatever, didn't say anything la.



i think sometimes i'm such a screwed up kid because my family is freaking screwed up as well.

maybe i should go library again tomorrow. it's seriously damn peaceful there. and i seriously can't stand staying at home. i'm seriously considering not coming home on weekends even though my mum said to come home a couple of weeks ago. isn't it great if i don't come home during weekends, then we won't piss each other off? anyway in her current angry state, she says not to even go stay in hall, but whatever la, like i care.

okay off to continue clearing my stuffs/practice violin/read my storybook that i borrowed from library! (:

okay i actually wanted to blog about a couple of things last night, but as you can see/read from my previous blogpost, i was obviously in some sleepy gonna-crash state and couldn't even think properly, just wanted to get to my bed asap, so yeah. shall blog today instead! walao i swear it's damn hard to remember all the topics you wanna blog about ._. everything just slips off my mind so easily. like no kidding, i forgot what i wanted to blog about already.

okay first was about work. yaye work is finally over! working makes me feel accomplished because even if i hate or love it, i still get paid after that, which makes me feel like, at least i've earned something, yknow. well second day of work was much better than the first. i guess because most of the things were more familiar to me by then. my dad asked me after the first day what i learnt from work. i said nothing. after the second day, i thought about it and i've learnt how to identify bad painting whereby the painters scam your money for a lousily painted room. LOL. but seriously, that's about the only thing i learnt that. which is more like common sense right ._. ohwellz. well, after those 2 days of work, i'm left with a lot of memories of the recep duties [it was an admin+recep job.] like which cupboards to open to refill the coffee beans and sugar and creamer ._. haha. so rubbish right. and remembering to lock up important places before i leave. other than that, also left with quite a few namecards. lol. go work collect namecards only. because whole day have to ask for people's names and contact so that i can get back to them about stuffs. lastly, i'm left with a rather good impression of a lot of the office people there (: like seriously, some of the people are really nice and friendly and patient, which meant a lot to a newbie like me who hadn't done such stuffs in my life before. there was one guy who asked for my name on the first day and told me his as well when i helped him out with something, and after that he would always call my name and say thanks and good morning the next day and was just superrr polite. (Y) polite office people! can you believe it! i thought office people would all be sulky boring and even rude people who expected efficient service all the time, yknow. but they're not. instead, most of them were quite nice and polite and understanding so yaye (: i realised that just cos they're office people and sometimes even dress in super formal office wear doesn't mean anything. underneath all that, they're all just normal people with normal lives and families and even children. everyone just wants to be happy i guess. also, i'm ashamed to say that my bosses were friendlier than me :/ lol. step in then immediately say hello to me already in some super friendly tone, and i just smiled without saying anything. omg good job jane. super throw face sia. once the bosses came back and went into their office, the whole place started bursting with chatter and merry laughter coming from the office. like whoa. one of them in particular was super nice and friendly and somehow just reminded me of santa claus. haha. so yeah, last day at work was not bad overall (: heh.

still trying to figure out what else i wanted to blog about. hmm. well i'll be clearing my stuffs in my house and packing to move out soon. also seriously need to start working on some things. if i really want something, i need to work for it. i can't just slack around and expect to do well. trying to get myself to wake up and stop slacking.

also updated my wishlist with major things like linkin park's living things album and adam lambert's trespassing. both my favourite artistes! ♥

other than that, i've decided to seriously cut down on spending from now on. no random going to watch dance events or plays or performances or even outings anymore! unless it's really really important and worth it. so like, nope, i'm not going to watch tbg, i'm probably not going natasha studio open house, and i just saw this play, god of carnage, which sounded pretty cool, but nope, not going either. no more going for all these things that i know i can live without! i think i will write down a list of people whom are worth going out with, so i will stop going out so much and stop spending so much money. unless we are eating at food court or coffeeshop or something. instead, i will stay at home and study and practise my violin like a good kid! for now at least, before i move out. i know i can do this. just need to stop procrastinating.

okay i can't believe i forgot about it yesterday while talking about my dreams, but i just realised that i had this very good dream on saturday night as well! in addition to that dream about staying in uni hall that i mentioned in the previous post. it's kind of hard to piece together though. i know there was one part that i was standing outside this huge campus, which might have been a uni or something? with my mum i think, and i had to go inside and i was kinda apprehensive cos i thought i would get lost inside. i don't know what happened after that, but sometime later i was in the building and in this rather small space with fuchun peeps. we were celebrating duncan's birthday before that, i think, but then he had to go off or something? can't really remember. there was also this scene about us [i don't really know who is 'us', sorry] being captured as prisoners, though we were still treated quite well, and were supposed to walk to i-don't-know-where and my/our line [like the whole line of prisoners queuing up. about 10 or so people? there was another line beside us as well waiting for their turn.] could go first so we were all very glad and happy.

anyway, back to the small and dark room/space. after the duncan's birthday celebration thing and after he left i think, somehow it became a birthday celebration for me. and then while i was laughing with the fuchun peeps and everything, suddenly this person [whom i shall not name and whom i'm praying damn hard i will still remember who i'm referring to if i ever come back and read this post again a few years later or something.] appeared in his school uniform. pe tshirt somemore. apparently we were in his school and he was having lessons or something? lol max. but anyway i was superrr surprised to see him, and yeah it was supposed to be a surprise for me also luh, him popping out of nowhere. i was wondering if he collaborated with the fuchun peeps [though there's like no link between him and fuchun peeps] to surprise me. i concluded that they probably did, but not in much detail or anything, since they didn't seem too keen on talking to him, nor him to them. and then he gave me this card for my birthday and sort of apologised cos it was the only thing he was giving me for my birthday. but he opened the card and there was this giant heart shape on the card which basically filled up the whole card and made me happy, and 2/6 written on the card as well, which made me even happier and i think my heart skipped a beat or something. not kidding i was feeling super happy and high and on the top of the world at that moment when i understood what the 2/6 meant. well, fyi, apparently it was supposed to refer to the progress of our relationship, like on the way to being together. so like 6/6 would be the point that we get together. i know 2 out of 6 when 6 only marks the start of the relationship seems to be veryvery little and minor, but to me it wasn't. to me it meant a LOT. for one thing, him giving me the card with the heart shape and writing the relationship progress thing meant that he liked me, which was already more than my brain could process. and writing 2/6 meant that he intended to continue working on this relationship thing and intended to make progress by eventually reaching 6/6, which just seemed unbelievable to me. i was seriously on the top of the world at that point in time. he also told me about how he was damn scared that certain people would see the card and figure out that he liked me [and i liked him as well], because then he would get into huge trouble if that happened. which i could totally understand and empathise with. still, at that time i was mostly still thinking over and getting happy over the fact that he actually liked me, because i had always thought that it was just me who liked him and not the other way around. ♥ max. best dream everrr.

can't remember what happened after that, but that was the main thing in the dream la. actually the story also nothing much, because the super main point is actually the identity of that guy. which i'm not revealing luh duh.



ohmygawd super shag sia. i knew i'd be tired after 2 days of work, but didn't think i would be this tired. just now come home and eat dinner still okay, still can high de, but somehow after eating dinner then become super cui like wanna fall asleep any time soon. as i type this blogpost right now i'm like half falling asleep half typing zzz not kidding at all.

okay la really cannot tahan aymore. shall go sleep early tonight and catch up on sleep. goodnight! (:

okay saturday was just tuition and nothing much. sunday was outing with my lovely friends regina kevin and weilun ^^ met at raffles place, then uhh most of us had to take the train back HAHA cos after that we decided to go dhobyghaut to eat. went to plazasing's pastamania for lunchhh (: super hungry sia. i had some uhhh no-idea-what and shrooms risotto which was not bad luh. and then we all shared an apple crumble pizza for dessert ^^ hehe dessert is always awesomeee. but somehow even though i was super hungry on the way to meet them, i couldn't eat a lot in the end leh ): like eat already then quite full :O my stomach capacity is getting smaller! rawrr. ohwellz at least can get skinnier hehe ^^ after that we sat around talking a bit, then finally left pastamania and went to walk arounddd. walked to random shops like sunny bookshop. and we spent so much time there and i was so depressed cos i had no money [okay la for me, no money = have money but cannot spend.] to buy anything but there were superrr lot of books that i wanted! ): after that walked out of plazasing to the cathay, where we looked for more dessert! heh. cos we wanted dinner actually but weilun had to leave soon thanks to army book-in rawrr. okay first time i'm so annoyed by army book-in times okay zzz. ohwellz. so we ended up just having more dessert! had 4 scoops of icecream at ben&jerry's (: hehe. strawberry, banana, coffee and chocolate. thank goodness we mixed strawberry & banana together, and coffee & choc together. needless to say, i ate more of the coffee & choc mix than the fruits one ^^" after that, weilun had to leave :'( and then we walked around gramophone and omg why everywhere we go also make me feel super sad and deprived! after looking at all the movies & dvds i was like T.T i wanna go home and watch my dramas and movies NOW. but i have no shows to watch also sighh. plus i will get addicted so i know it's better to just not watch, than watch and get off my addiction later on. have side effects one okayz. like stoning for a few days in a row thinking about my show and not doing anything productive. giant sigh. anywayz, after that, we ended up heading home as well! cos kevin couldn't go back too late as well. luckily we were all supposed to stop around the same area! ^^ went to buy bread and ate them while standing around like homeless kids, then we all headed homeee. giant hug to kevin i will miss him veryverymuch! :'( can't wait for another meet-up when he comes back during the december holidays but why is that so far away! ): sighz.



monday, which was today, was workkk again and it was superrr crazy. like either super busy or super free ._. dunno what kind of life is that also, but yeah. and the super busy is really extreme busy. sighh. glad i got through it! one more day to go! jiayouz to myself~ i think i'll be super shag at the end of tomorrow manz. after work today i met yh for dinner! ^^ went to one-north and ate at the foodcourt there. so funny cos everywhere she go there can see her friends/classmates hahaha awkward max. ohwellz. her lunchdinnerbox is like superrr blue so everyone kept staring at it HAHA omg all the strangers all staring sia! ohwell. was great catching up, even if it was just a bit (: after that went to buy some stuffs and then went home~

where my parents were having money fight and all in bad mood. jeez. just set budget, each person to him/herself, and don't quarrel la zzz.

also, having a huge headache [not literally] over whether to go for dance events nowadays! ugh. wanted to go watch tbg [the big groove] but i really don't want to spend money unnecessarily but i seriously can't decide if it'll be unnecessary or not. ugh. they doing tron dance leh! sigh. so yeah, i'm still considering that but i told nelson i not going liao :/ why must there be camp during that time as well?! ugh. it's during rhoc camp so ughhh. second event is natasha studio's open house. nelson ask me if i going, then i'm like ahhh crap. okay la i must see if i free first also, but if i free, i seriously dunno if i should go anot ): like it costs money as well and i really don't wanna spend but ughhh what is wrong with me! like wtf food can spend so much then dance cannot spend?! might as well go starve a couple of days then have money already right! i also know that! but i don't know what's wrong with me luh sighhh. does the opportunity to stay in hall mean giving up on all the things i like? maybe i shouldn't have chosen this after all? i don't know, but it's just driving me mad, all these decisions on whether to spend money or not. :'( veryveryverytroubled.



sighh okay other than that, nothing much already. i just wanted to mention [yet again] how much i love my dear friends regina kevin and weilun ^^ hehe. i mean, it's not like i can relate to everything they say and all, and sometimes i feel stupid and ignorant with them as well, but they don't judge. at least i know regina and kevin don't. LOL. weilun i dunno la cos he doesn't really express his feelings/thoughts that much? but regina and kevin are really like superrr accepting people. and it's really more than anyone can ever ask for. they are people who, when i make a mistake or say something wrong, will let me know nicely and not be sarcastic or anything, which really means A LOT to me. you guys have no idea how much it hurts when people are being sarcastic or looking down on you. that feeling just sucks ttm. sad to say, i get that even from [and actually quite often from] my fuchun friends, whom i already consider to be rather good friends. not that i'm trying to push the blame to anyone here, i know that's just reality - having people look down on you when you're not good enough or not knowledgeable enough. but being with people like regina and kevin is totally different. they're really nice people - not just on-the-surface kind of i'm-just-gonna-act-nice-to-you, but seriously nice and kind from the depths of their hearts. [okay i guess i might sound like i'm exaggerating but it's really what i feel!] i also like the fact that all of us are super liberal people so we can basically talk about a ton of things. common topics include lgbts, sex, etc. i think it's reallyreally hard to find people like these so yeah, just gonna miss them a lot :'( how can people be so nice! how is that even possible right! sighz.

and i have no idea how i'm going to survive without regina in uni! haha. to be honest, i'm glad that even though i might have become more distant from bryan esther and even mark from our j1 clique, i'm still close to regina. i guess it's just because i'm her friend that i think this way, but regina is really like perfect boyfriend please haha not kidding! ♥ much. so glad to have her as a friend! and yesterday night/today morning i was dreaming that we went same uni and were both staying in halls and we got rooms next to each other! and we were both like :O super coincidental omg! then damn happy.

somehow i also dreamt that a bunch of friends came into my room, and somehow my room became as big as a classroom, and they started celebrating by all eating yoghurt in my room [the horror. what if they spill it!] and then after they were done, they whipped out a couple of tubs of icecream and started eating and passing around as well. i was like totally what the. but a bit smiling to myself also la. then i was like EH. my room leh! where's my share of icecream! and thankgoodness someone passed me a tub of icecream so i was like okay i have good friends yaye. HAHA super weird dream i know! ohwellz. and mine was supposed to be a double room [dunno who my roommate was] and apparently this couple, who were now seniors/graduating from uni, used to live in my room so even though the area around the room seemed kind of creepy [it was at the end of the corridor], it was supposedly a super good fengshui room or something cos that couple was very famous or something LOL i dont know what the heck i'm dreaming about as well, don't ask me.

okay off to sleep now, still must wake up early tomorrow! hope i have nice dreams today! ^^

omgee okay i'm effing frustrated now because of a freaking ton of things to settle. like wtf seriously everything just thrown at me la. 1) need to sleep early cos there's tuition tomorrow so there's this general sense of urgency to do everything quick. 2) have to confirm where we're going on sunday with regina and then email kevin and sms weilun. 3) asked a couple of friends about going tbg [the big groove. ohmygawd how can i miss this la!] and talking to them now and also very frustrated cos i reallyreally want to go watch tbg [wanted to watch it every year ever since i saw it in j1 when quest crew performed.] but its during rhoc camp UGH which is the main reason why i'm so troubled now. 4) got pissed on whatsapp when someone said i was damn rich cos he thought i went for a lot of dance events. wth sia -.- 5) supposed to do uni pre-registration today and some other admin stuffs but ohmygawd dunno if have time sia. 6) needed to blog about something important. and omg my dad just asked me to 7) help him organise some stuffs into excel and print it out. zzz.

basically went for work today but it wasn't exactly work because it was more like learning the ropes so yeah. ohmygawd superrr lot of things to remember x.x hope i can remember them all next week! nothing much at work really.

what i wanted to blog about was moving out. [yes, again :/] well basically these few days my brother has apparently been getting on my mum's nerves so she keeps saying how bad it'll be without me around because my brother obviously won't do any housework or help her with anything. i hate it that i feel guilty about that, but really, i don't want to do those things either. i guess maybe i'm just taking it as an excuse to run away. but then i wouldn't feel guilty right. so no, i'm not running away. it's just that, for once, after so long, perhaps i'm finally being recognised for my existence, yknow. sometimes i feel like i'm that person who doesn't make much of a difference, so it doesn't matter if i'm not around. and actually it's true that i'm not very important in my family. i can't help out much, i'm the youngest with the least experience, i don't work or earn any money, i don't know computers as well as my brother, and i definitely don't help with washing and cooking and all that household chores. but even though i don't seem to be able to help out with major things, i realise that i'm always being called to help out with minor things. with me gone, my mum will have no one to call to do simple things like keeping the clothes or holding something for her or just asking me some simple question. with me gone, my dad won't have anyone to ask to do all his computer and accounting stuffs, like organising and printing excel spreadsheets with information and stuff like that. and i guess, with me gone, my brother won't have anyone to moan/whine to, to be sarcastic with, and i guess also to talk to on a level that is at least closer to that of his intelligence. because all those are things that i alone can do, even if they're actually all super minor things. my brother won't help my dad to do any of those tedious accounting stuffs, and neither of them will help my mum much with housework. needless to say, my brother obviously won't have anyone to talk to besides mum and dad, both of whom he hardly has proper conversations with. to be honest, yes, that makes me feel slightly important. but to be perfectly and maybe even brutally honest, those are things that my family members can live without. it's a little discomfort at first, not having someone to do those things, but they're not necessities. i'm not trying to be humble, but honestly i don't think i've been very useful at home and i'm pretty sure that they can all live well even without me around. so there.

now off to print stuffs and then SLEEP. ohmygawd how to wake up early tomorrow sia!

went to settle my loan stuffs today and then went shopping~ okay most of the stuffs were necessities and my mum was paying anyway, so i guess it's not really considered shopping. ohwellz. [haha cos my definition of shopping = stuffs i need for myself and which i pay on my own, which basically means, stuffs i want but don't really need :/] i did get 3 tshirts though ^^ plain tshirts ftw~

ohyes did i mention? i'm moving to hall in 3 weeks' time. it's crazy, really, cos suddenly time seems so short, the holidays are almost over and school's starting already, yet what have i accomplished in these couple of months? :/ sigh. okay, depressing topic, let's move on. basically, i still can't really believe i'm going to be moving out. it still seems so unreal, how long have i been dreaming of this? i know i've been trying to get away from this house since j1, but i didn't. and 2 years later, it's finally coming true. like a dream come true, except that the feeling you get when your dream comes true? i don't have that feeling. all i feel is this... slightly wary, nervous and scared, yet also slightly excited to see what the future holds for me. not overjoyed or anything, yknow. packing and everything, on one hand it makes me quite sian cos yknow, packing is tiring both mentally and physically, especially when you have to dig out the past and go through it all over again [which is why i try not to open those books or notes or letters when i sort them out] or when you have to decide what to keep and what to throw, which is really the hardest for me, because usually when i throw away something, the memories of it will disappear forever as well. on the other hand, it's also kind of exciting knowing that after all this packing comes a new and different future and perhaps even home.

these couple of days [which basically means from yesterday till tomorrow] have been and will be crazy because it's just everything being thrown at me at once. yesterday i suddenly received like 5 emails straight about uni stuffs. okay 2 of them were repeats, but still. also, yesterday the person finally contacted me about this part-time job that i had been offered 2 weeks ago ._. like thanks much, that took a while. but anyway i got offered another part-time job which i took up as well. the more money the better~ so yeah, just kinda busy these couple of days lo. rawrr. and then my parents best la. told them about it then my mum was like why part-time also need briefing and my dad was like part-time shouldn't be contract, just agreement. told them the salary then my mum was like so little? [it's not, okay. it's normal price for the job.] and then my dad still come and tell me he earn 30 dollars in 5 mins -.- thanks ah. not like you paying everything for me right, so of course i need to try to earn money whut. even if it's just a bit, it's still something right. a day's work could probably get me through a week in uni. haha crap luhh i think when i go uni i will be super 省钱 and then everyone will judge me or something ): ohwellz. hopefully i can still be sort of normal!

okay photos~ some from quite long ago heh.

i think it's cute how the pink shoes is the guy and black shoes is the girl

super bad [and contrasting] sunburnt shoulder

kit-kat heaven in cold storage~

sushi spam at kuriya~ ^^ nomnomnom. okay i admit i didn't eat all of that ): 3 people's share, but the first row [with the most] is mine :D

super pretty looking chocolate mousse at kuriya

didn't taste very nice though ):

jalan kayu prata & murtabak~ dinner with the fuchun peeps!

pasta at tcc~

dark chocolate cake from chocolate origin! ♥

okay i just finished eating another slice of that dark choc cake hehe ^^ yum.

think that's all for now~ tomorrow must wake up early rawrr. ohwellz have to do it for the sake of moneyy so i shouldn't complain! have been mapling hard these few days, i think i'm addicted! ): sighz. my brother also, see me play then he go play also! mercedes is really the best character, heal hp & mp superrr fast sia. all the other characters' healing rate are like non-existent. ): a lot of free & extra things now though, thanks to the 7th anniversary thing, so i'm planning to play more for this period of time! will still have to tell myself to get off the computer and mugmugmug cos qet is super soon & also to pack cos i am moving soon as well! rawrr. okay off to play! ^^ and must sleep early today ):

2 days ago, on monday, i totally broke down. my mum asked me to practise my music, since i hadn't done so for almost 2 weeks, and i was playing maple. it was almost dinner time, so i finally decided to stop and since my mum asked me to play the piano, that was what i did. i was lazy to take out my violin anyway. after clearing away all the rubbish on the piano chair, i played the usual song twice. i was in a bad mood, because my mum had nagged at me, and because i had to clear all my rubbish i had piled up on the piano chair, but i don't think it was just my bad mood that affected me. the first time i played the song, i thought it was actually pretty okay for someone who hadn't touched the piano in 2 weeks. i played it again, for practice. but after that, when i tried searching through all the scores and books for another song to play, i couldn't find something i WANTED to play. all the other songs were either too difficult for me to play, or songs that i didn't like at all. and then i got pissed that i had no song to play. but the next moment i was totally breaking down, because i knew that it wasn't that i had no song to play. it was because i wasn't good enough to play anything that i liked. and i swear, that really just broke me down so badly. it hurt, really, knowing that my music skills were basically non-existent. i can't play the piano nor violin well, even though i've practised for years. and what hurt the most wasn't that all my effort hadn't seem to produce anything, but that, even though i loved music that much, and i mean THAT much, i sucked at it. and without music, i have nothing left. without music, i won't even be anything. i went into the toilet and cried so hard and so badly for a pretty long time. until i finally told myself to shut the eff up and wipe away the tears and get back outside, get back to playing my music. i changed to playing my violin and played a couple of songs before keeping all the stuff. but the feel wasn't there, and i wasn't enjoying it at all. it was just routine once more, like it used to be when i practised for lessons. i don't know when i'm going to recover from this, because even though i want to get back to playing my violin well soon, it still hurts so much just thinking about how i can never seem to play well, and what if i will never be able to play the violin or any other musical instrument well in my life.