Sunday, October 27, 2013
Just did something completely crazy and completely unexpected from me. But hey, c'mon, I'm 20 now. I have the right to do something crazy at least, right? And it feels pretty alright I guess. I sort of knew what to expect, so my mood was pretty alright even after that. Perhaps a few years down I'll be telling myself that it was a stupid thing to do, or that I could have done it so much better in another way, but at least I won't regret not doing anything at all. At least I did something. And at least that's enough for me right now (:
Though I have to say, my parents did teach me well. Strength, independence, responsibility, initiative, selflessness, happiness. And if these are not carried out, it is the fault of the student, not the teachers.
Because right now, I realise that my dad has really taught me well. It's really so important to stay strong as an individual and not let anyone affect you, because who's to tell you to be happy or sad?
Just feeling pretty much at peace with myself right now. I still don't know whether I did the right thing just now, but at least I did something, so it's alright. (:
signing out.
7:43 PM
Sunday, October 20, 2013
well it's just about an hour to go before i officially turn 20 and i just thought i should pen down some thoughts
you know how they say that results aren't as important as the process you went through to get there? well, i think it pretty much applies to life as well. these few days are crazy for me, what with rhmp yesterday, beautiful sunday today, my birthday tomorrow, and a rather important test the day after. perhaps for some people, their birthday would grant them a free and relaxed, easy-going day where they wouldn't want to study, but i can't do that because i really need to study, but i just wanted to point out that, just because it's my birthday doesn't mean i can't be studying hard and working hard as well. because really, it's the process that matters. it's hardly what happens on your birthday that matters, like spending your birthday doing something crazy, but it's actually what has happened in that one year before your birthday and how much you've done before your birthday comes along. because if you've already done everything crazy that you've wanted to do, then you won't need your birthday to do any of these things.
to me right now, birthdays are like deadlines, or warning sirens, reminding us of how much time has passed, and how little time we have left. every birthday celebrated marks one more year gone from your life, one year less to live. every birthday reminds us that we're growing up, growing older, perhaps more mature, and most importantly, that life is finite. there's only so much time that we have before something comes along and takes life away from us. and what have we done to prepare for that? how many more things do you have to complete in your life before you can safely say that you are able to leave without regrets?
so sure, birthdays are happy occasions to be celebrated, but birth and death are not so different from each other, and death is never too far away from birth.
meanwhile, let me think about what i've done the past year to deserve this birthday celebration, and what else i want to do before my next birthday comes along again.
signing out.
11:48 PM
Monday, October 14, 2013
There's always a first for everything, and today marks the first time I've fallen off a bike so many times. Flew off at least twice and fell off another 4 times or so.
I don't even know if I'm hurt. My leg hurt a bit just now but I'm wearing jeans so I haven't checked, but that doesn't even bother me much. It's the emotional pain that's hurting really bad right now. Not to mention I was highly embarrassed for crashing my bike so many times while others have to wait for me to get back up to go on with their lesson. It was so bad that halfway through I decided to take a break and stop riding in case the others start glaring at me for taking up their time and space during lesson. Sigh.
I thought of giving it up, like maybe stop riding lessons. But it's stupid to do that just because of one bad lesson, right? And it hurts even more when I think of the bike that my dad bought for me, parked at home waiting for me to ride. I can't just give up like that.
Which just makes me a miserable girl. Looks like today's going to be a miserable day.
And I need to stop crying to myself while I'm outside, like on the bus right now. Can't wait to reach hall so that I can just lock myself in the toilet or something and calm down. Ugh.
signing out.
11:49 AM
Wednesday, October 09, 2013
school is stressful when you have to worry about your academics and activities and upcoming concerts and performances. it's stressful when you're waking up every morning for classes and trying to focus in lessons, then going for activities every night and trying to give your best. when you can't seem to find any time to do your work, or when you do, then you're so tired that you hardly get anything done. when you realize that there's just no end to the work that has to be done and you don't even have time for yourself any longer. and when this happens, it's so easy to just fall back into the habit of meeting deadline after deadline like a lifeless robot. after each one, you take a deep breath, and then jump back in for the next one. no break, no rest, nothing to look forward to, because all you see when you look ahead, is more empty spaces in your calendar to fill with more work, activities, and deadlines to meet. sometimes, you get so stressed and miserable thinking about all of this that you break down.
and then you reach a realization. what am i doing with my life? this isn't what i wanted for myself. why am i even doing this to myself?
and perhaps when that happens, or before that happens, you ought to ask yourself, what are you doing all this for? why have you taken up so many commitments and activities, leaving so little time for yourself? you could drop everything right now and just focus on your studies. so why don't you?
why did you take up all this work and all these activities in the first place? how much did you want it when you first signed up for it? how hard did you fight to get in? how much time and effort have you spent working on it or training for it? how much fun have you had? and how much do you love it and want to continue doing it?
and then perhaps when you manage to answer those questions, you'll realize that all these activities, all these deadlines, all these work - these are the things that are going to shape you, that are going to push you to improve as a person. because as long as you're doing what you love, all these don't matter. there's only one reason you're working so hard right now, and that's for yourself. to improve your skills, to improve yourself as a person, and to improve your future self. you'll realize that you could never bear to drop any of these commitments, that you just want to keep doing what you're doing, because each one of them mean so much to you, too precious to let go.
and as long as you can remember that, then you'll be alright in the end.
because you might screw up sometimes, or you might have to prioritize some commitments over others, and you might break down once in a while, but who doesn't? just know that in the end, you're going to be okay. maybe you'll end up walking out of this war battered, tired, and all worn-out, but you're also going to walk out better than you ever were before. so just remember that, and keep doing what you're doing, because all that you're doing now is only going to help you to become a better you. perhaps not tomorrow, or next week, maybe not even next year, but someday, and someday you're going to look back and be glad that you didn't give up on yourself.
so fight on.
signing out.
2:16 AM
