Saturday, November 30, 2013
So my last paper for the week is over, but I still have one more paper next tuesday. Got back to my room after my exam this morning, repacked my bag with bio notes, and left for YIH again, expecting to catch some sleep there before waking up to study. Sure, I did catch some sleep, but I can't seem to focus on studying, so I guess I should give myself a break. If my friends knew, they might tell me: I'm not a machine, so I shouldn't try to force myself to be one. That's true. And no one's gonna be mad at me for taking a break after 4 almost-consecutive papers in 5 days. Not even my mum if I were home. No one except myself. Sometimes I really wonder if I put too much pressure on myself. Maybe I do. But who cares? As long as I'm not performing up to standard, why can't I put more pressure on myself to do better?
Anyway, I'm here blogging again [using my phone] because I have too much things to rant about. Don't know if I'll rant about them all here, but yeah. Plus I needed a break from life I guess.
So anyway these couple of weeks have been spent mugging hard in YIH especially. I realise I can no longer study well in my room because I'll end up super distracted by my roommate [like when she laughs out loud while she's watching her korean dramas or smth -.-] it's just kinda annoying. And it's hard to focus as well when you're up early in the morning and trying to study hard but your roommate just sleeps all the way until afternoon or something. So yeah. YIH. Plus I needed to get away from people sometimes. Hall is nice when you want to be around people and really bad when you need your alone time. Unless you're in a single room. Which I have to say, I'm seriously considering switching to next academic year. Except that it's kinda expensive. Guess we'll see how :/
I think this is one of the first semesters that I didn't get distracted with dramas or anything during exam period, and that I actually sat down like a good girl everyday [after those few days that I lost my motivation] to actually study. Whether it was productive or not is another issue.
I conclude that when you have distractions such as dramas to watch or sports games to play, when you get back to work you're usually more efficient because you know you were procrastinating previously. But you also panic a bit more. At least I do.
Compare this to having no distractions and just sitting at your table doing work all day. I think it's less efficient because:
1) You're just staring at your notes all day. Life is boring. Sometimes your mind goes blank and remains blank while you stare at your notes. How efficient can you be? [Note: Here I'm referring to the reading notes part and not the doing practice papers part of studying.]
2) Your only breaks involve going to the toilet, filling your water bottle, and having lunch on your own [because eating with others is takes up too much time and energy]. Life is boring.
3) Because you have nothing to distract you [because you placed your phone and other distractions away], you get distracted by your thoughts instead. Random thoughts fly into your head every few minutes. [I tried to deal with this as stated somewhere on the Internet - write down all your distracting thoughts so that they'll stop floating around in your head. It kinda worked, except that after I wrote one down, another would come floating in, and then another...] These thoughts are very interesting and you usually want to do something about them [which you cant since you're supposed to be studying], or rant them out to someone. You now have nowhere to rant to [except that piece of paper you're writing it down on]. Life sucks.
Conclusion? Life is so boring that you will hardly be able to focus on your notes because every tiny little thing will distract you from them. So maybe sitting at the desk doing work all day ain't that productive after all. It said somewhere that humans can usually only focus really well for a few hours straight. After that you need to take a break and do something else. That's pretty much true. So was that method of studying bad? Well, I wouldn't know until I get back my results for this sem, although I felt it helped to get rid of all the panic attacks that I would otherwise have had if I had procrastinated in between by doing other things. I only had a total of one panic attack while studying for all my 4 exams that are now over. And at least I didn't get addicted to any drama series during this exam period, so yeah.
Anyway, back to the story, I've been studying in YIH for the past few weeks and life was pretty much alright until wednesday night after my bio paper. For one thing, I fell sick. I think it was food poisoning from dinner. Had a stomachache and it was getting pretty darn cold in YIH so much so that on the way out, my teeth were actually starting to chatter. Got back to my room still feeling damn cold and like crap, so I wore my jacket to sleep. I couldnt exactly sleep with the stomach pain and the going from cold to hot and all that, so it was a rough night. Woke up an hour or so later to my phone which beeped. I can't remember if I was actually sleeping before that. One of my friends replied my tweet telling me to spam water. I dragged myself to sit up and did as I was told. It was 2 plus. Woke up again around 4 plus and I spammed more water. Tried to go back to sleep but my stomach hurt too much, so I sat upright and leaned against the wall until I felt better. I swear that stretch of time sitting there against the wall felt like total crap. And then I managed to get back to sleep somehow.
Woke up again around 5 plus and felt slightly better because my stomach wasnt hurting as much. Opened my door to go to the toilet and was damn stunned at what I saw. Couldnt read it properly, so I went to pee first. Came back and realised it was a deco on my door [using a whole damn lot of paper! How many trees did that kill! Walao.] saying 'JIA YOU' and balloons on top saying 'Holiday', plus a note and present. I checked the name on the note, and then I think my mind worked pretty quick on this even though I was still feeling like crap. Got my phone, snapped a photo of the deco, and then started taking it all down from my door. As much as I appreciate the thought, it was just too attention seeking and I really didn't want it on my door. Left the balloons there cos I thought it would be mean to take everything down. Went back into the room, read the note and opened the present, then went back to sleep.
Woke up again around 7 and I felt slightly better and more like myself by then. Called my mum to tell her I was sick and she told me to go see the doctor. I was pretty convinced that I didn't have a fever because my temperature didn't feel high, even though I did have some symptoms of fever the previous night [cold then hot] and there was still some weak muscles in the morning. Went back to sleep again and woke up around 10. Decided that I couldn't afford to sleep any more and dragged myself up, took a shower, and dragged my feet all the way to UHC. Turns out I did have a fever after all. 38.1. Good job Jane -.- thankful for the nice doctor there who wished me all the best for my exam the next day. Wasn't as thankful for the 5 different medicines she prescribed to me. First time in my life getting prescribed so many meds. Zzz. And considering that I hate swallowing pills... sigh. First time in my life also that I actually took all my meds according to schedule. Usually I only take one or two and stop taking them. But hey, it was exam period, I couldn't afford to get worse.
Got back to my room, and spent the day studying in my room instead. With a pretty blank mind. Brain wasn't working, either because of the module, the medication, or just myself. So it was some pretty inefficient studying. Or rather, just staring at my notes blankly all day. Thought I was pretty screwed for exam the next day and I almost considered requesting for special consideration. But nah, that would be too unlike me. No point extending my misery since it would most likely still be misery.
And then friday morning I was studying for my afternoon paper when I got really mad at some people. Honestly felt like throwing my phone away at that point in time. Ranted to yiing and she was pretty lost i think. Haha. Ohwell. And thats pretty much all about the crazy things that have occurred to me these couple of days.
Just some more random thoughts:
Seriously, guys. Yall need to stop doing this to me. This is the third time already, and I still have no idea how to do this shit. Ugh. Really frustrated over this.
Maybe I should stop publicising my life on social media. Hmm.
I have this friend who is seriously crazy and who made me realize what 'liking someone' can do to some people. It's damn freaking crazy and scary, really like liking someone until 走火入魔 already. Seriously?
I can totally foresee my post-exams problem right now. Sigh.
Never thought whatsapp could be so fucking annoying until now! Seriously. Can I just delete this shit? Goddamnit.
ARGH. I SHOULD BE STUDYING.
Yeah. That pretty much sums up my thoughts.
That's all for now, back to studying! [If I can.]
signing out.
8:02 PM
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
I don't really know what this feeling is, but I'm just happy whenever you acknowledge my presence. And I guess that's enough. And it's hard to convince myself to stop feeling this way, so I guess I'll let it pass.
I don't know how you feel, but if you're acting the way that you feel, then I'm glad (:
Liking you might not have been the best thing I've done, but at least it's not a mistake. And I think I might actually really miss you when you're gone.
No matter how much I hate having others affect my life, somehow you've affected me so much that I can hardly get back to being indifferent. Not in a I'm-crazy-over-you kind of way, but just in this invisible and unexplainable kind of way. But I'll try to continue being indifferent, because you probably don't like me back.
signing out.
2:47 PM
Saturday, November 16, 2013
some days when you just find that you really suck at every single thing you do and wonder what the heck you're doing alive because isn't it useless to be living if you can't do anything right or well?
Wilson told me: "I agree with ur status, try again but u might never know whether u would succeed a not. I think abt tat every single day. Whether its worth it for me to pump money into learning isnging, going for more exposure. Will I even be as good as the ppl around me someday. But after that, I'll tell myself I'll not let this get me down. Cuz i believe tat hard work will succeed. [But what if we never succeed?] Failures may come, it might come more often at times. But take it in ur stride and learn from it. Rectify the mistakes and come back stronger. These failures will build our tenacity and character. Always keep learning, tats when u will really improve." Or what if you improve really slowly or really little? Is that still counted as improving if you hardly improve by much at all?
Benson said that I'm good at music, but I'm not. Being able to play the violin doesn't mean that you're good at music. In fact, I suck at music and it's EXACTLY one of the things that I'm so upset over because I suck at it.
Roomie said that I'm talented because I can play the violin and floorball. But once again, I'm not. Not for violin, and not for floorball either. I suck at them.
And then she said that, don't I realise that I'm actually quite popular and that a lot of people like me? Well, maybe, but what's the point of knowing so many people and being well-liked if I'm crap?
all that was on wednesday. well, it's friday now, and i think this must be the longest time by far that i've pretty much lost all motivation. thank goodness my tests ended on tuesday, but i do have final exams in 1 week and a bit more, so i have no idea what i'm doing. perhaps it's just procrastination for the past 3 days, yknow, the usual. or perhaps i've really lost my purpose this time. it's not like i've actually lost all purpose to live, because hey, i'm still alive right. and i'm going about everything pretty normal, and i can still smile and laugh at funny things, have as much fun as i want, and i probably come across as completely normal and 'myself' to most people even during this period. i'm still doing what i have to do, doing my work when i need to, and i'm going get back to studying from tomorrow onwards. but what i've lost is more of an inner purpose.
before wednesday, somehow when i went on with life, i always knew somewhere in the back of my head, even though i wouldn't think of it often, that i was doing all these things for a purpose, mostly to improve myself as a person i guess, and i knew that doing all these things would give me a result eventually, make me a better person someday.
but ever since wednesday, even though i'm doing everything as per normal in my life, i no longer feel the same way deep down inside. sure, i'm still working hard at things such as floorball, training hard, and hoping to improve. but the major difference now is - i no longer have any confidence or belief that i will indeed improve. i no longer believe that all these will give me a result eventually. perhaps, if i've analysed it correctly, i no longer believe in myself.
but it's not that major really, because it's not like i think about it all the time. no, it's at the back of my mind somewhere, so it's not like a major life crisis bugging me every minute of my life. so what's the difference, really? well, i'm wondering as well, so i guess we'll just have to wait to find out. besides feeling a little more empty and demoralised, how else is this going to change me? i suppose we'll find out soon enough.
on a side note, went to clementi on thursday and did a little good deed by buying some food for hall peeps to cheer them on studying for finals. gave them out today and i have to admit, it really feels pretty nice doing nice things for others (: making them happy is enough, really. what's spending 30 bucks on snacks if you can make 50 people a little happier, even if just for a short time? nothing, really. to me, the money was well-spent. it's really satisfying to be spending on others and making them happy. and i'm proud to say that i learnt that from my parents (:
signing out.
2:29 AM
