超过了友情，还不到爱情。

There used to be things that once meant a lot to me, but I left them behind the moment I stepped into hall. Sometimes I think about them and wonder if there'll ever be a day when I can get them back. And it makes me feel sad.

quite a bit has been going on in life the past few days, almost like an emotional rollercoaster. i'm just glad that things seem to have calmed down for now and i can just remain in this neutral, peaceful state of mind for now.

to summarize briefly, we had open day performance on saturday which was pretty screwed up and i was pretty upset. later on, jerm put up a long facebook status full of swear words directed at me because of my actions that morning, which made me cry after reading the first few lines and kept me crying for about an hour. that made me extremely upset and pissed off because no one has made me cry so badly before besides my mum and my brother. and i don't intend to ever give anyone else the chance of doing that to me again. note to self: i will not cry because of anyone else other than family and maybe boyfriend. it's like letting others reach into you and get to you. which i will make it a point not to let anyone be able to do. it takes time, because maybe coming to hall has changed my character to one who opens up more to people, but i am going to change that back, because i really don't like the feeling of being so vulnerable to friends. to end off, we managed to talk it out and apologise to each other by that night, which was good. thanks wilson for being such a dear and helping me to scold jerm haha we both ♥ you and you know that.

sunday was the first rhmp comm meeting so me ciuyi zhenwei and darryl went for dinner before that to talk about work. supposedly. it ended up with me and ciuyi listening to darryl and zhenwei's woes and sorrows. hahaha. too funny. and i found out that black erdinger is pretty nice heh (: i have to admit that i was a bit high after that too, but it died down pretty quick after we all got back to hall, and me ciuyi and zhenwei started prepping for our meeting. i have to say that even though i had thought of what i wanted to say and typed down everything and basically been much more prepared than people like ciuyi who was thinking of what to say 20mins before our meeting, i was not prepared at all. i was not prepared to address so many people and i was not prepared to finally get the feeling of being an rhmp producer, in charge of so many departments with so many people working under me. maybe because, simply speaking, i have never done such a thing before. it's a totally new experience to me and i didn't know what to expect. sure, i could try imagining what to expect. and i already had. but how dyou imagine what you will feel when you are in a room addressing 30 plus people, if you've never done such a thing before? maybe it's my problem with stage fright or public speaking or whatever you call it, because i don't even know which is my problem. so maybe that's why i was feeling so unprepared. glad i seemed to have done it pretty okay though. i hope. no one's gonna feedback to me about my public speaking skills unless i go around asking anyway. which i have. but not much. i guess that's just one part of me that i'm pretty conscious of. sigh. it's a change though. and i do like the feeling of it. learning how to step out of my comfort zone. it's a good thing. i can't always be staying in my box and doing what i like to do. only when i step out will i learn more about the world, and will i be able to make a bigger difference in this world. so jiayou with that, jane (:

other than that, i have to admit that i was pretty annoyed with some people on sunday as well. as a leader, and especially as rhmp producer, i think that you can't afford to regret your decisions after making them. there's no time to regret anything, because if anything goes wrong, you deal with it, settle it, and take responsibility for the consequences. furthermore, i think i didn't make a wrong decision so i'm not going to apologise for it or change my decision. and it annoyed me pretty badly that people felt that i had made the wrong decision and were asking if i wanted to reconsider and if there was a possibility of changing it. no, there isn't, full stop. i've explained it to you guys, but i don't know whether it went in. if it didn't, too bad. i am annoyed. that's all. maybe i should keep some distance from you guys for now so that i won't keep getting so emotionally drained. jeez.



lastly, away from work and on a more positive note, i'm just really really thankful that you've been here to listen to all my problems and just to be able to talk to over the past 2 weeks. i swear, talking to you makes it feel like it's not even 2 weeks, because i feel like i've known you for longer than that. i've picked up good habits like sleeping early from you, which is pretty retarded but yeah. haha. and i swear, i still can't figure out why, but whenever i talk to you, there's just so much i want to say, whether it's rubbish or serious stuff, that i keep talking. in fact, i feel like i'm damn noisy when i talk to you. like what the. i don't know if it's a good thing yet, because me talking all the time but you not talking as often might not be balanced, but i guess i'm just glad, because it's been a while since i've been able to talk like that to someone. i have to agree that, like what you say, i'm still not telling you everything. but hey, that takes time. if i told you everything, that wouldn't even be me anymore. and anyway you don't tell me everything either. so we'll see, i guess. you have to trade secrets for secrets :P but thanks for just being here and talking to me, because it means a lot to me, really. (: