okay quick post before i sleep, because i want to sleep earlyyy.

a lot has been on my mind lately, and i guess maybe i should just stop thinking so much and let things flow naturally.

had a paper on tuesday and then lab report due on wednesday. i spent almost the whole tuesday night finishing the other half of my lab report, which was a bitch to do. slept at freaking 7am for it ): and i had to drag myself out of bed at 8.30am to go print my lab report and then go for lesson. and in fact, i think i did my lab report pretty badly :/ every time i do badly in school, i will firstly feel upset and disapprove of my own standard, then right after that, i usually think of what my mum would think if she knew. but anyway, the main point is that i feel really really bad about it. because i don't think that was quality work done. and i'm pretty upset about that. but it's not like i could have done any better because i didn't know how to do it. so :/ meh. what to do. suck it up, deal with it, and get on with life, even if i'm feeling like crap.

thank goodness lab ended early on wednesday so i could rest my tired soul and body. spent some time composing a reallyyy short phrase of music on the piano at comm hall when i passed by, and then went back to my room and got on with life. i kinda miss things like playing the piano, hanging out with friends such as yiing, and wandering around town/singapore/wherever on my own. and i'm really looking forward to some chill time alone after exams. anyway, i wasn't veryyy sleepy on wednesday throughout the whole day, even though i only had 1.5 hours of proper sleep. crazy right. only felt really tired in the evening. and then i ended up sleeping late that night anyway because i wanted to chill and went over to my friend's room to talk until about 2am :/ haha. sorry friend ): i was just so glad that my lab report was over, because i had an extremely miserable night on tuesday chionging it out. so yeah. just wanted to relax a bit and not care about having to sleep early or the consequences of it. still, hanging out with you makes it not as bad, since the latest was 2am anyway. haha. which wasn't very late actually. if i had hung out with someone else, i think i would have slept way past that. ohwell.

and since i had so little sleep on tuesday, i just slept all the way until 11 plus this morning before i finally got up. went to clementi to buy stuff and i'm a happy girl because i bought a pair of platform shoes on sale for 10 bucks :D wasn't exactly supposed to go shopping because i'm supposed to be in save-money mode for the next few weeks since my bank account depleted a lot the past few weeks, but heyy. 10 bucks! and i've always wanted to own a pair of platform shoes, so yayeee ^^ i'm happy. now i don't have to worry about my pair of heels [from sec 4. cos i bought it for prom.] dying anymore because i have a better alternative! (: anyway, after all the happy shopping, i went back school and chionged for lecture at 2pm, only to realize after a few minutes of sitting in class waiting for the lecturer and wondering why my lecturer, who was always so punctual, was late, that i was in the wrong class, and that my lesson was actually 12-2pm and not 2-4pm as i was thinking. what. the. freak. jane. i not only felt embarrassed, but more importantly, extremely disappointed in myself that i had actually mistaken my 12pm lesson for 2pm and went SHOPPING during that time period. oh my god jane. what the heck are you doing?! jeez. freaking hopeless leh! walao. now miss lesson already lor, then how? and it's not like you're doing very well for that module also. stupid sia. haiz. but it's not like i can turn back time, so i just hurried out of the lt and walked back to hall cursing to myself and feeling really upset that i mistook the lecture timing. went back to hall, sat around for a while feeling lost, then got on with life after that.

okay this is not a short post. lol jane what are you doing.

anyway, to end off briefly, somehow today i wasn't really very addicted to talking to you, which was good i think. in a way. it's nice to know that i'm not addicted everyday, otherwise i think i will judge myself fully for being an idiot. maybe i'm so logical that love doesn't even sit well with me. hmm. okay interesting. i never thought of that. haha. possible, but i hope not. i mean, love is meant to make people go crazy right? is there calm love? after many years or a long time together maybe? hmm. okayy. and yeahh. i said that day that i was scared. i don't know what you were thinking, but i'm not scared of you or the darkness. i'm only scared that the addiction will control me and my life.



and i shall just end off by reposting what i posted on fb a couple of days ago:

I think. Happiness is a scary thing.

When it hits you, it catches you off guard and sweeps you off your feet, as you hold on to it gladly. But as soon as it's satisfied, it wriggles out of your grip and disappears into the sky, never to be found again. Until another one comes by.

As people, we're always reaching for happiness, always clinging on as tightly as we can, desperate for more time together with this invisible feeling. Sometimes it comes and goes too quickly for our liking. Sometimes, it stays with us for so long that we grow so used to it, and when it finally pulls away from our grasp, it leaves behind empty souls of humans.

But it always leaves us eventually. Always.

And that's why it's so scary. That desperation and need for something that will never last. That's scary.

it's funny how hanging out with you is always so chill. and i guess i kinda like that feeling.

they always made us think that being in love is being crazy over someone and going crazy for that person. but maybe it doesn't always have to be that way.

a few days back i was reading an article online about how to love an independent girl, and it said something like. don't think of the two of you as two halves coming together to form a whole, but two wholes coming together to form an even greater whole. and i have to admit that that really sits very well with me and my idea of love.

i want to love a guy who believes in respect, who has his own ideas, who will strive for his own goals, who will work hard to achieve want he wants to in life, and who will support me in my goals in life. i want a strong, independent, mature guy, who will not prevent me from doing what i want to do. who will not want to take away my independence. who will understand that i have my own goals too, and that we both have our own lives, so that we will be able to support each other in the things we do, and move further forward in life. who will improve ourselves because we want to, and who will help each other improve ourselves. who will not only accept each other's flaws, but be brutally honest with each other's flaws. who will be brutally honest with each other with everything. who will understand each other enough to know what we both want, and who will always sort things out calmly and honestly if we ever have any misunderstandings. and yet, even though we are both independent people, we will truly enjoy each other's company, and still have fun together, like all lovers do, creating beautiful memories together. and if we ever break up, we will do it properly, and remain friends afterwards. we will be mature enough to respect each other, and we might cry or be upset, but we will eventually get over it, and remember it as an extremely beautiful piece of memory, until we find someone who can match up to each other.

so maybe that's why i like hanging out with you. it's always so chill to hang out with you. and you're mature. [at least when you want to be.] you don't have mood swings or anything, and your tone toward me is always constant. there's no hot and cold mood swings, because you will keep talking to me. you don't get angry or upset suddenly towards me or the things i say. you give me advice and your perspective, but you respect me enough not to try to change me forcefully. you have your own aims and things that you want to do. you listen to me when i tell you things. you nudge me to move forward when i'm stuck sometimes. there's so many things about you that i couldn't be happier and more thankful for.

although truth be told, we're still not that close, because we're still keeping things from each other. maybe what we really need is time, because i really have to understand you better than this. and i'm really scared that i'm going to be addicted to you. because once i love someone, my extent of love is really deep and i don't think there's any turning back. so maybe that's why i didn't say anything that day. we're not ready yet. there's still a huge gap between us to bridge. it's not just a gap. it's more like an abyss, because when i look down at the space between us, i only see black emptiness and darkness that goes all the way down. so i don't know how we're going to get rid of this. my darkness and your darkness combined. it's a bit scary. but i'm not afraid of it. i don't know if we're supposed to get rid of it. or will we be able to build a bridge over this darkness? i don't know. but i think we'll make it through somehow.

right now, i just like this feeling of hanging out with you, and that's all i'm happy about.

i think i'm going crazy. not in a bad way. haha.



don't you think we're pretty retarded? not in an insulting way. haha. but it's like, we're testing each other so cautiously, neither daring to take too big a step forward. maybe it's better to be cautious. haha. i guess we'll never know until we finally reach that stage of openness. it's retarded, but it's pretty funny as well. let's just see how it goes then (: