It's hard to explain what I've been feeling these few weeks. Or months, even. I know I've been saying a lot about being depressed and losing my purpose in life, because that's pretty much how I feel. I guess I thought that this was a huge blow to me, and that this was really one of the down periods of my life, but maybe it isn't? I remember being emo as a kid, in secondary school or JC even. But I guess I can't really remember how emo I was, and how it felt like, so I can't compare what I'm feeling now, to what I felt then. But maybe it's the same feeling. Maybe it's the same feeling all over again, except that, because I was too engrossed in happiness that I forgot how much it hurt to be feeling this way. But now, come to think of it, maybe all that has happened, is that I have come full circle, and am now back at square 1, where I started - lost, with no sense of purpose in life, still carrying on with my daily activities, but trying to find a deeper meaning in life everyday. Because, come to think of it, how different was I back then anyway? Since I remember that, just the same, I did not know what to work towards in life at that time.

So did I really find any purpose or meaning in life in that time between then and now? I suppose, for a moment, I might have. Or perhaps, I never did, or all the meanings that I thought I had found, were just not good enough to last.

But I don't deny that I had a good time. It was fun. And I enjoyed life for that period of time. I enjoyed socializing [well, not all the time, but sometimes I did] and I enjoyed hanging out with my friends and having the time of our lives. But, now that I think about it, was that really what happened? Sure, I remember the vague feeling of being happy and contented especially in the first two years of university life, but exactly what had happened? Sometimes I don't remember anymore. I remember bits and pieces here and there, but was I generally happier than I am now?  It's hard to say for sure. After all, we only ever live in the present, and our memories and past often come back to play tricks on our minds, feeling it with that happy nostalgia that might not even have happened. Doesn't it?

So I guess... the most important thing is really to live in the present. To be happy and contented with who I am. And to work towards the future, because that will be the present soon enough. But the past? It will never be present again. And we have to learn to let go, and stop comparing present to past, before we destroy ourselves in the process. Learn, Jane, learn. And stop brooding about your past or wallowing in self-pity. It does no good for you. Like everyone says, we have to learn to move on. And I think moving on will reflect your strength of willpower and ability to overcome adversities. Don't let anything get you down, because you know better than anyone, that you can get past this if you would just toughen up. Which we both know you can.



In other news, it's year 3 sem 2, and time is running out. Soon, I will be year 4, in my final year of university, and then after that out to work. And isn't that fast? A lot of people have made preparations for jobs and internships and exchange and whatnot, and sure, I've applied for internships as well, but am I even trying hard enough? It's difficult to decide whether I want to spend my last year of university doing something totally student or school oriented [because well, it's my last year and I should treasure it, right?] or whether I should spend it earning money and looking for jobs and learning how to integrate into the working world. What a tough decision, right? And it all boils down to this, because Singapore is such a competitive society, where no job means useless, and where everyone is so desperate to find a job once they graduate, because they have to. But deep in my heart, I really want to spend this last year doing the kind of things that I can only do while I'm still a university student. It's a dilemma for me, and I'm lost. Stuck. How do I figure this out?

Do I follow my heart, or do I follow the practicality that I know I'm supposed to follow, and that everyone around me expects me to follow?


Sometimes I wish life had answers to these questions like these, but you know that it doesn't, because there's no right answer. That's what we're here for, I guess - to find our own answers to all these questions. So all the best searching for your answer, Jane.