Sometimes I snap at people. Like my dad today. Usually it's my mum I think. Sometimes my brother. For no reason other than... well, I'm stressed. Pathetic, I know. Being stressed doesn't give you the right to snap at people. Guess I'll never make a good person. Maybe it's a good thing I gave up.

Can't wait for this week to end. My project has carried over from FYP days and it has lasted for long enough. This week will hopefully mark the end of this project, after I'm finally done editing the paper that is to be submitted to the journal for publication. If it ever gets published. And even if this is not the last edit that I have to do, at least the edits that might possibly follow will be much less tedious. So I can't wait till the end of this week. Till life gives me a little break from everything. Because to be honest, I haven't had a good enough, proper, restful break or vacation since school ended. Now work has started and I know it's hard to get a break any longer, but still. After this week. In the meantime, press on.

And stop being so freaking rude to people who haven't done anything to deserve being snapped at. Jeez.

Oh. Right. So much for wanting to get some work done. I didn't after all.

So something just happened and I should be feeling upset and everything, but I'm not. Not really, at least. I've felt upset a lot of times over this matter before. Not the exact same matter, but related. Maybe I'm just tired of feeling upset. Maybe it hasn't really hit me yet. Maybe it takes some time for the fact to sink in. I don't know.

But what I'm wondering is this. How does someone who has grown up convinced that nothing and no one really matters, how does someone like that ever get round to having something matter? No, I wasn't brought up this way. But it's what I taught myself. Now that I think about it, maybe it's the reason why I've been so miserable all this while. Because I've convinced myself since I-don't-know-how-long-ago that no one really matters, that no one should be important enough to make you lose yourself, no one should mean so much that you would lose a precious part of yourself when that person leaves, or that you would change because of that person. Only for yourself. Only ever change for yourself, for the right reasons, like becoming a better person. And maybe that's the reason why I've been so miserable - because people came into my life, people who should mean a lot to me. And that's a horrible feeling, that people should mean a lot to me. Because no one should mean a lot to me. Maybe that's why I'm not feeling anything now. You said you didn't know you were so dispensable. When you said that, all that came into my mind was this. No one is indispensable in my life. No one can be indispensable in my life. Because then how do I live? The only way I can live is knowing that no matter who walks out, I can still stand on my own two feet. That I don't need anyone.

It's a miserable feeling sometimes, but other times, it gives me strength to go on, strength to stand up and keep going when there's no one around. Because a lot of times, there is no one around. And I would rather have that any time of the day - strength within myself to keep going when no one is around. I guess it's partly my fault as well, because oftentimes I don't let people in on my life, on my troubles, worries, or anything much really. I find it really hard to share. Somehow or another. Even when I'm half-drunk and high and have nothing to lose. Because there's always something to lose. And the safest way is to keep it to yourself, instead of letting someone have any power over you by telling them about yourself. Not power like telling them your deepest darkest secret, but simple things like sharing a worry with them. What can anyone do? Nothing. So why bother sharing? Don't. That's my thought process anyway.

People have told me that sharing my troubles will make me feel better, take away some of the burden. Perhaps. But it's not in my habit, and I could just as well type it out here or somewhere else instead of sharing it with someone, so why bother? With the closer ones, perhaps. But even the closer ones will drift further away with time. Right? I feel it happening already, and it worries me sometimes. It worries me that we are not as close as we used to be, and this is when I realize that hey, I'm not supposed to even be relying on anyone. Why am I worried about this? Which kind of makes me worried because I'm worried about it. And it's contradictory to my beliefs, right? So yeah, maybe I'm just a living contradiction that deserves to rot somewhere instead of thinking that I've got it all figured out. Well, no, I admit that I don't. I haven't got it all figured out, and I'm still trying to. I probably won't get anywhere if I keep thinking this way, but as people like to tell me, I'm a very stubborn person.



Whatever it is, I just needed to get something out. When I read what I typed, it's nothing really. I didn't get whatever I want out at all. But how do I type out something that even my mind cannot wrap around at this moment? I guess I'll give it some time. Give myself some time. For things to sink in, for my heart to work, to start feeling. If it will ever. I'm not heartless, although some people probably think I am. I just try to stop myself from feeling as much, because feelings do a lot of damage to people. A lot more than physical damage. And I don't see any point in letting yourself get hurt because of this pathetic thing called feelings. I really don't. It's stupid and beyond my comprehension. And even if I still get hurt, I tell myself to shut it off. So maybe, just maybe, I never really had feelings after all.

At this point, I think I'm pretty much talking trash so I'll just leave it for now.

I'm not in a good mood. But I tell myself that I can handle this, that it'll pass, I'll get through this and make it out ok. I always do. Still, it's hard when you're right smack in the middle of the toughest part and you have to force yourself to keep going. I would really love to just quit right now, give up on all these things that I'm supposed to do. But I'm not a quitter. Heck, I don't even know how to quit. Maybe that's the only reason I get through stuff. Haha. Pathetic, huh. But since I have no idea how to tell some of these people 'No, I don't want to do this work', then I guess I just have to suck it up and deal with it. During times like these, I sometimes get very stressed and occasionally break down or do something to get the stress off, other times I just grit my teeth and tell myself that I'm better than this. Because I know that I'm capable of getting through it. So I tell myself to shut up and stop whining and just do what I have to do. Well, usually I continue whining somewhere in my head, but yeah, you get the idea. Today I decided that the latter will do. And if I do get some decent work done early enough, I'll allow myself a treat to an hour-long show tonight. Everyone needs a break after all. Especially someone who just recovered from a high fever for 2-3 days and still has a very sore throat that makes swallowing things a pain in the ass throat.

Off to do some serious work and hopefully treat myself to a show later (: I swear, this viral infection/fever thing is not letting up. Been sick since Wednesday and I would love to punch it in the face if that would help to get rid of it, except that would mean punching myself in the face. Sigh. It's been a bad few days, really. Here's the rough timeline:

Wednesday, day 1 of work - Office was pretty cold and I got a runny nose. I thought it was just the temperature. Interfered a little with my sanity and convenience at work though. Got home in the evening, took a pill for runny nose, and went to sleep.

Thursday, day 2 of work - Was supposed to wake up at 6.30am, but I wasn't sleeping well and I woke up around 4 plus instead. Checked my temperature and voila. 38 degrees. Took a panadol, and went back to sleep, hoping that the fever would be gone in 2 hours. Woke up at 6.30am and checked my temperature again. 37.5 degrees. I thought, well, it went down a bit, 37.5 seems better than 38, and it was the second day of work, so heck. I just went for it and went to work. Probably a bad choice. It was another miserable day at work. To be honest, I can't say whether the first or second day was more miserable. Both were bad, I think. Although today I was freezing my ass fingers toes everything off while just sitting at my desk. I mean, I knew the office was cold. But I honestly couldn't decide if it was just the office being cold and me being my usual get-cold-very-easily self, or it was my fever doing the job of freezing me till I could hardly feel my toes any longer. Either way, it was a horrible experience. Went home after that (many thanks to the bf who drove me home) and even while I was sitting on the car doing practically nothing, I could feel the pain through my legs from the muscle aches that you get when you have a fever. And boy was it bad. I tried every single position but the pain wouldn't let up, so I was having a really hard time resting or dozing off at all. And when we finally arrived at my house, it was the hardest thing trying to get myself out of the car. When I finally showered and took my dinner, I checked my temperature again and it was a 38.7 degrees. Wow. Great. Took 2 panadols and went to sleep, but not before dropping my supervisor a message that I might not be able to make it to work the next day.

Friday, day 3 of work - Well, it's not day 3 if you don't go to work, right? Haha. I woke up around 6am, earlier than I had to, and decided to check my temperature first. 37.8 degrees. Couldn't decide what to do, but my throat was hurting like crap and my runny nose seemed to be back. Asked my mum whether I should just take MC instead and she said yeah. (She asked me to take MC the previous day, but I didn't. On hindsight, I think I really should have. But then again, day 2 of work, so... meh.) So I went back to sleep and woke up again around 9 plus, ate a piece of bread for breakfast, checked my temperature (38.1) and went to the polyclinic. And that, I swear, is the longest I've ever waited at a polyclinic. I have no idea why either. Left my house around 9.30am and it's a 5-10min walk to the polyclinic. Registration was fast, temperature 38.3, but it wasn't until almost 12pm that I got to see the doctor. And because I had a high fever for 3 days, the doctor said they had to do a blood test to make sure that it wasn't dengue, and hopefully she would be able to see me again before 1pm. So I went to get my blood taken, and came back and waited. And I was getting quite hungry so I bought myself a banana to eat while waiting. Finally got my number called again around 12.45pm, doctor explained that it was a viral fever not dengue, and prescribed medication for me. Collected my medicine, made payment and went home. I only reached home after 1pm. For a normal person it would have been ok, but for someone who was feeling like crap and who had been feeling like crap since a few days ago, I just felt crap. Showered and was very tempted to sleep, but my hair was wet and I hadn't had lunch. Luckily my mum came home soon enough with lunch and I miserably ate it (took about an hour I think) before finally letting myself sleep around 3.30pm. Well, this is where all the sleeping starts, because I slept from 3.30pm to 8pm, woke up and ate dinner, did some stuff, and slept (a bit late) from 12.45am to 9am the next day, woke up, drank a cup of water, went to the toilet, and went back to sleep until 1.30pm. I hope people mean it when they say that rest helps you to get better quicker, because I really want to get better ASAP.

Well today's saturday and I'm feeling better because I have no fever anymore, except that my throat still hurts like crap when I swallow stuff and I would love for it to stop hurting. I can only hope that I'll wake up tomorrow feeling better than today.