Saturday, July 30, 2016
Went for lunch with the aunt today. I wasn't particularly excited, but it felt nice that my presence made her happy and to be able to treat her to lunch for once. Because I'm finally working. She also got me a water bottle, which I was looking for the last time we met (months or maybe even a year ago. I don't remember). I don't consider her to be very close to me, but even I have to admit that that was nice of her.
After lunch, I went back to cwp and shopped around for a bit. Or quite long, maybe. I don't really know. Got some stuff, and then I was looking for a watch in particular, but it was hard to decide. When I was almost done, I decided to give my mum a call to check if they were getting dinner or if I had to get my own dinner. Turns out they were at cwp as well, but they were going to go look at something else first, then go to some place to sit down and drink tea. So I said I'd go do some shopping as well and meet them there later. I guess I took pretty long to shop, so when I finally met them at the tea place, they had already finished their tea/coffee and toast. Mum asked what took me so long, and then I sat down and seeing that they were done, thought that they would be leaving soon. So when my dad asked me whether I wanted coffee or tea, I think I said something along the lines of, 'Nevermind, don't need la, y'all finish drinking already ma' and probably gave the impression that I wanted to go off soon. And dad was like, 'Why don't want? Saturday afternoon leh, want to sit here how long also can. You rushing off to where?'
I don't know why, but when he said that, something kind of clicked in my head and my attitude changed to 'Oh. Okay. Um. I'll get tea then.' and I suddenly felt more at ease and less rushed and I was just thinking, 'Oh yeah. I can just sit here and relax. I don't have to rush off to anywhere. It's a saturday afternoon and I can afford to sit down and chill and enjoy the time with my parents.' Although, of course, what came out of my mouth right after he said that was a rather lame 'Huh. Er. Go back and sleep lor.' to which both my parents were slightly surprised and amused and briefly mentioned something about me being a lazy pig. Haha. Ohwell.
Spent about half an hour or more sitting there drinking my coffee (I ordered coffee in the end) and eating toast with mummy and daddy (daddy ordered one more cup of tea to share with mummy, even though they already had one cup each before I arrived) and listening to them talk about stuffs and occasionally giving my input as well. I've realized since some time back that even with them, I hardly talk. I just listen mostly. And I guess somehow they are used to it already. But with other people sometimes it's just not the same and I suppose that's why some people say that I'm quiet/shy/reserved. I don't talk because I don't find the need to talk or to give my opinion, unless I feel strongly about something or people ask me about my opinion. Because what's the point? I realized that a lot of people like to talk about themselves. It makes them feel better. So why stop them, or take away their pleasure/joy in talking about themselves? If talking about themselves makes them feel better that I don't mind just letting them talk, and just listening to them. Which explains why I haven't been talking much about myself to anyone any longer. It's not that I don't want to talk about myself. I just think that allowing others to talk about themselves would probably make them happier than making them listen to me talk about myself. So yeah.
Anyway, after we were done, we went to buy some food home. Walked past a sports/exercise equipment shop and my dad mentioned something about wanting to get an exercise mat. So I was like, you want to go see? So we ended up going in and he looked at the few that they had there and very quickly decided on one. While the guy was bringing the exercise mat to the counter for payment, my dad said, 'You want to pay for me?' Haha. I started taking out my wallet, intending to pay already, but still saying to him, 'This is extortion.' He was amused. He took out his wallet as well but then mentioned that he didn't know which of his card had money. I wasn't too concerned, since I was already planning to pay, and so I ended up paying in the end, but told him to take the receipt (since I wasn't the one who was going to use it anyway). When we walked out, my mum asked how much it was and dad told her $59, but there was another mat that was $100, and that he saved $50 for me. Lol. He also said, 'Next time you should go out with her(me). Then she pay for you. Haha!' Tskk. Dads. Ohwell.
When we finally got home, dad tried out his new exercise mat. I also did my usual strength training since I was supposed to do it today according to my self-imposed schedule. After that, I remembered that I had withdrawn money in the afternoon while shopping and passed my mum some money, since I hadn't exactly given her the full amount that I intended to give her from my salary this month. So after treating my aunt and paying for my dad and giving my mum money, I believe that I have actually spent a lot of money today. I guess time isn't the only thing that flies. But well, at least I feel good about it.
To be honest, for me at least, the best thing about working is being able to spend my money on people who matter. So yes, the purchasing power that comes with working. For someone who has grown up in a family that was not particularly rich (although not particularly beggar poor as well) and who has spent a fair amount of time in primary school (and maybe some of sec sch/jc as well, but I can't remember exactly) using food coupons to get recess/lunch food in the school canteen, I understand what it is like not to be able to spend freely. I understand the feeling of scrimping and saving, of spending as little as I possibly can on food. And as I grew up, I have often felt restrained by my lack of purchasing power, especially when going out with friends. Perhaps it wasn't so bad in primary school, but as I went through secondary and JC and university, somehow I realized that many of my friends had pretty decent family backgrounds, most with parents earning a decent income, some living in condominiums or terraces. Sometimes I would envy them and wish that my family was like that as well. Perhaps it was also the case that students in better schools often came from better backgrounds. In any case, I've never had this feeling of financial freedom previously. Even doing part-time jobs during summer holidays did not feel like this, because I always seemed to be short on money, or had to get more money for some purpose or another (mostly to lighten the financial burden of my parents, I think). So it always felt like an obligation, even when I was doing part-time work during summer, that I had to earn some money to lighten their burden. Compared to that, the feeling now is so different, I think I will take some time to get used to it. At this point in time, the amount my dad earns is enough to support the family mostly, but it's great to be earning money as well, so that daddy's money doesn't have to be split between 4 people but only 3 people now. I can pay for all of my own things now, and I can even afford to lend daddy money and to give mummy money (to 孝顺 her). On top of that, I can treat my friends to a meal to express my gratitude for them and also because it's nice to be able to spend my money on people who matter to me. And so, yes, this is the best part about working so far, and I really enjoy this part of it :)
On a different note, I guess I just need to tell myself that time heals all wounds. I believe it will heal this wound as well. Sometimes it still hits me and I get upset, but I need to build my courage and independence and learn to stand on my own. Things will pass eventually, it just takes some time. I've got to keep going, and I'll be fine eventually. During this period, I guess I have also developed a need to have someone to confide in, to talk to, and to trust. I haven't talked to anyone about anything, and sometimes I feel awful because there are so many things being kept inside me that I feel like exploding but I can't, because I can't tell anyone. Until now, I still have not. It has been a while, and maybe my friend was right to say that I can't keep it in forever, because it's only going to make me feel worse. But I have no one to talk to, no one that I trust enough to tell, and I don't want to open up to anyone again. At least, that's my thoughts for now. I guess that might change over time as well. So for now, I just want to keep myself sane, keep myself from exploding, keep myself calm and rational, and encourage myself to stand on my own, without anyone's help. I don't know if I will be able to do it, but I want to do that. To prove to myself that I don't need anyone to keep going. I also want to be objective and stop thinking that I need someone to rely on. Or thinking that anyone who is close is someone whom I can rely on. No. It's not true, and it's not right. 不要连累到别人。You can do this on your own, don't pull anyone down with you. Don't make wrong decisions again. Don't make promises that you can't keep. Don't throw your heart out to anyone because you know that you can't commit. It's not worth it. Wait until everything has passed, until you have calmed down, until your state of mind is right for making decisions. Until then, don't do anything rash.
signing out.
9:40 PM
Thursday, July 14, 2016
It's the weirdest feeling to be hanging out with your ex again after a year of not talking. It's like seeing a friend that you haven't seen in ages. But when you talk, some of the old habits and familiarity comes back. When they say certain things and you reply, and you both realize how much you knew each other once, to the point that even after such a long break, some things will just stay in your mind. Their likes and dislikes, their character, the kind of choices that they would make. It's the strangest feeling, but also a nice warm feeling. Of finally meeting this familiar part of you/your life once again.
At the end of the day, I'm just so glad that we met, because it feels like I've finally gotten a friend back. A friend that I lost, that I didn't even know I had been missing. Thank you for being so amazingly kind and forgiving, for being so willing to meet me even after everything that I'd done, and most importantly for initiating to meet up with me today. Because I know I wouldn't have dared to do it instead. Yes, I totally owe you a hug to apologize to you and to say thank you. ♥
signing out.
12:05 AM
Sunday, July 10, 2016
Probably a few years since the last time daddy wore a long sleeve collared shirt & mummy wore a long skirt!
Level of dedication: parents.
So glad to have my parents witness my graduation today, and thankful for the support that only parents can give while watching us grow up.
To daddy, for always telling me that girls can do better than guys, that I can do better than my brother, that intelligence is not everything. For teaching me that life is so much more than studying, for cultivating in me the passion for photography, for sports, for adventure, and for adrenaline. For bringing me around to see the world, be it the tough times at work, waking up at 4 or 5am in the mornings just to catch the sunrise with our dslr, watching dirt bike races, or exploring a new photography location. For showing me, through your actions, that we should always give, always help others when we can. For pushing me to my limits and forcing me to face my fears when I lose the courage to. For showing me how to plan my own path and future in the adult and working world, even before I was earning any money. For teaching me so many life lessons and morals that I now live by, knowing that they will bring me far. You are and always will be my role model and my idol.
To mummy, for taking care of me over the past 22 years through good times and bad, for having to deal with my nonsense and bad temper and bad moods, for always being there for me no matter what. For your constant, steadfast love, no matter the channel through which it is delivered.
I'm happy to be graduating, but even happier knowing that my parents are proud and happy for me. Hoping to be able to reverse the parent-child roles soon and to start supporting them instead, in return for all that they've done for me :)
#graduatelo
signing out.
2:11 AM
Saturday, July 09, 2016
Well,
tomorrow’s graduation day for me, so I thought I’d take a little bit of time
tonight to pen down some thoughts about my university journey and what
graduating means to me.
It’s hard
to believe that four years of university has passed and I’m about to graduate
from NUS tomorrow. It feels like a very long four years to me, and I can hardly
remember much about my JC or secondary school times any longer. My university
journey has been full of ups and downs, just like everyone else’s probably has.
I chose to pursue a degree that was very specialized, and I chose to stay on
campus in Raffles Hall. I also made many other choices, such as joining NUSSO,
together with about 5 or 6 more activities in hall. As much as the overwhelming
number of activities took up much of my time and was probably part of the
reason for my mediocre grades, I don’t regret those choices. Always better to
have tried, right?
My first
year of university was mostly filled with fun and laughter, meeting new
friends, adapting to university life (or the lack of adaptation), and late
nights spent staying up having HTHTs with friends in hall and sleeping at 3 or
4am. I was running from activity to activity every evening and night, so much
so that I’d only get back to my room around 12 midnight, after a long day of
lessons + 1 or 2 activities, and be so tired that I would have no time to
finish my schoolwork or revise for tests. It was also my first taste of being
‘busy’ (my closer hall friends understand this very well, because we are always
busy).
Somehow,
this busy and packed schedule stuck with me throughout the first 2 years of
university, and although I don’t regret it, I definitely wouldn’t try that
again now. In year 3, I slowly phased out my activities and tried to focus more
on studies instead. My CAP improved and I was pretty determined to push it up
to the next class. In year 4, however, FYP kicked in and this time, I was busy
not with activities, but with FYP + job hunting. And FYP, which most, if not
all, FYP students know, took up about 80-90% of our time. Leaving 10-20% for
eat sleep socialize and study for all other modules. I also screwed up very
badly at some point in time during semester 1. Semester 2 was spent chionging
FYP, and I only realized near the end of the semester when I stepped on a
weighing scale for a medical checkup that I had lost about 5kg from skipping
lunch so often (while doing FYP) and maybe from stress. That hit me pretty
hard, since it meant that I was now underweight. Until now, I’m still trying
(with no success) to gain back those kilos and to look healthy instead of
looking like a sickly stick-thin figure.
So after
four years, this was what I realized – no matter how busy you are, workaholic
or not, you should always set time aside for rest. I didn’t take 4 years to
realize this. Everyone knows that. But knowing isn’t enough. Wanting to change
isn’t enough. You have to take steps to give yourself due amounts of
breaks/rest. Even now, I can find it difficult to take a break when I have work
to do. But if you don’t, you’re only going to burnout eventually. And no one else
is going to give a shit about your burnout. That’s a huge takeaway from
university life, after experiencing what it was like to have my days fully
planned out with activities + meetings + etc. in more than one month’s advance
for me and therefore having no slot or free time for myself. Now, as I
transition from university to work, I’m learning to inculcate that into my life
permanently, because it’s just so important to have a proper rest in a country
such as Singapore which doesn’t give you any breaks. The economy is always
moving, but humans aren’t robots. We all need proper rest to do better, and to
go further.
There’s a
lot more that I’ve learnt in university (mostly nothing to do with academics)
but not enough space to put it all down. Definitely learnt skills that will be
useful in the future, but I’ve also met a lot of people with different
perspectives in life and I’ve learnt so much more from them as well. The world
is a huge place, and university has given me only a taste of the vastness and
diversity that fills up this world. Humans are also social creatures by nature,
and so good communication, understanding and sincerity are really key in
connecting with others.
Of course,
I’ve also picked up a lot of other things from university. Staying on campus
gave me a lot of freedom to do whatever I wanted, at whatever time I pleased.
It was a huge difference from staying at home and I really treasured that
freedom a lot. I guess I also became much more independent and I’m pretty sure
I can look after myself just fine right now. More importantly, I wanted to stay
in hall mostly because I had such strict parents (mum) and I really hated home.
Hall gave me a place to escape to. Fortunately, having so much time away from
home made me less angry/annoyed with my mum at home, and I actually started to
learn how to appreciate the things that she did for me. Mums are usually
annoying by nature, but most of their constant nagging comes only because they
care about you. It’s definitely not the most ideal way to convey their love for
you, but don’t penalize or hate them for that! They just want the best for you
after all. I can’t say that I don’t get annoyed by my mum any longer (I still
do), but at least I try harder to appreciate her acts of love/care/concern now.
Graduating
not only marks the end of university life, but the start of a new beginning –
working life. That’s a huge step forward and it also means a lot of things to
me. It means that I am now earning a salary and thus, that my dad will no
longer be giving me any pocket money. (Although… have you wondered whether
that’s actually financial security or insecurity?) Therefore, anything that I
spend now is using my own money. I can’t ask my parents for money any longer,
and instead, a part of my salary now goes to them. It means having to pay off
loans that I’ve taken, and it means having to start saving money for the
future, when I’m retired or unemployed. It’s a whole new responsibility, and I
guess it kind of makes you realize what your parents meant by ‘hard-earned
money’.
Lastly,
this isn’t just about graduating from university. It’s the end of one stage of
our life, and the opening of a whole new unwritten chapter. It’s the start of a
new adventure, and I’m honestly quite excited about it. I can’t wait, for
example, to clear all the things on my bucket list that haven’t been done, or
that have been put off because of school/FYP. But just like what my
friend/senior reminded me of, moving to working life doesn’t mean that your
adventure stops here, or that your life is going to be miserable from now
onwards, or that you’re now a caged bird. It doesn’t mean spending your next 10
or 20 or more years ‘working’ and then looking forward to after-work hours or
weekends or public holidays when you’re not ‘working’ and have time to do
things that you love. I mean, sure, go ahead and do things that you love
outside of working hours. But instead of dreading work every day or just
waiting for work hours to end, turn your work into something that you love,
something meaningful, something fulfilling. Something that gives you a purpose
in life as well. Don’t spend your working hours being miserable, because you
only have that much time in your life. Time is precious, and life even more so.
Don’t waste any second of it.
signing out.
2:41 AM
Tuesday, July 05, 2016
I guess I didn't realize at the time that putting a full stop to our journey also meant cutting off my ties from the world. Sure, there are friends. But I remember, more or less, you being the only one whom I would open up to. And before you, I hadn't opened up to anyone for a long time.
If you ask me, do I regret it? Honestly, maybe. Maybe I do. But given another chance, would I have made the same choice? Yes. Without a doubt. It just wasn't meant to be. I guess my suffering now is my karma for what I've done. I probably deserve it. No matter how much it hurts, I just have to remind myself that I brought it upon myself.
曾经拥有的，以后再也不会拥有。
曾经的感情
曾经的爱情
曾经的快乐
曾经的笑容
曾经的拥抱
曾经的关怀
曾经的对话
曾经的坦白
曾经的我们
曾经的我
全都再也不会回来
慢慢地被遗忘
我们之间
的曾经。
signing out.
11:24 PM
Friday, July 01, 2016
A lot of things remind me of you. It's not an unpleasant feeling, but sometimes I wish they didn't.
signing out.
8:39 AM
